Any great ideas on coping with my father? He's terminal COPD and vents his frustations w/ his oxygen tubing, and anything else that bugs him, i.e., the election, war, economy,gasoline prices. We've never been close,but I'm trying. As the only living child, and neighbor, its up to me and the stress is constant. I still have 2 kids at home, my own business. Appreciate any uplifting feedback.

For those of you who have asked for suggestions, here's what I have done.

I never knew anything was wrong with my mother UNTIL her decades long shrink suddenly died and her GP began trying to handle her medications. Badly handled them, it turned out as he lowered doseages (I later learned.)

My mother turned into an absolute monster overnight with despicable verbal abuse. My response - I left immediately.

About 10 days later I phoned her - her voice and speech were normal, but what she actually said I knew was untrue ("All the money's gone," "There is no food in the house", "____ (a friend of hers) stole my purse," " ______ (her granddaughter - a wholesome kid who lives out of State) has ruined my son," etc etc.)


To make a very LONG story shorter, I made the long distance drive back immediately. To then have to break into the house because my mother had locked all the doors, windows and turned off the air conditioning to "keep them out." It was boiling hot inside. Food was stuffed not only in the frig and cupboards, but all kinds of items that she'd bought were all over the kitchen countertops.


After a lot of hoopla in getting her to the doctor, she was hospitalized. (Like some of you who say your parent refuses to go to the doc - so did mine refuse to go and to be blunt, the only way I got her to the doctor was by deception about where we are going, and then once there, deception about why we are going into this building - mind you, she was telling me in the car that the mail she'd received, which she showed me and it was junk mail, was sent to her by one of her ex-husbands. She was THAT out of it.)


It was at this time that I was informed of her medical history, her medicines, what's wrong with her, why she had been doing so well up until now (her excellent shrink died and, naturally, did not hand his patients over to someone else so when his patients phoned, they were told he had died and, I learned, a number of them responded poorly) etc.

It all came as a shock to me.

It took a number of years, several new shrinks and neurologists later before she was finally properly medicated again. One really good shrink did a lot for her. Unfortunately, he left town over a year ago to greener pastures.


But even after she was finally properly medicated, occasionally she could be horribly verbally abusive. Something I never saw out of her when I was growing up. (But then again, she was married and divorced three times and when I think about that, each time, she lived away from that excellent shrink of hers. One wonders what she said behind closed doors to her husbands while not under that great shrink's care.)


The last time she was verbally abusive was this March. I told her current doctor that this is the very last time I will put up with this. That he had better get her under COMPLETE control, just as her excellent shrink of decades had her under control. That it evidently can be done, as he did it, and she worked full time teaching, lived her life, seemed normal to the rest of us while under his care, wasn't drugged up like a zombie the way one of her previous shrinks since that good one's death drugged her up - I don't want that, I want her functioning.

Her doc tried to placate me with words along the lines of this is how it will be at times. But I put my foot down. I told him, "Three men, two of them doctors and one a very successful businessman, divorced her. I never knew why but I can damn well guess now. Understand this - I loved my husband with all my life and heart and I stood by him with his frontal lobe brain injury. Not only because he was my best friend and lover, but my husband. I have taken no vows to this woman. It is a happenstance that she is my mother. No ties bind me to her - she obviously is not my best friend, lover nor husband - and there are no vows that I have made to her to keep her in sickness and in health. Frankly Doctor, you men sling your wives away when it suits you, but you expect we daughters to uphold the vows you made to your wives. If you want her taken care of, phone up her ex-husbands and talk to them about their vows. Don't talk to me. I am telling you that this is IT for me. Get her under complete control."


He did. I guess he realized I am at the end of my rope. As Mae wrote - the answer is the correct medicines.

In my mother's case, one of her medecines was increased by one third. This was something tried the year before last but her legs swelled so the dose was reduced back to what it had been. But this time the increase is given at night, and as she goes to bed shortly afterwards, no swelling of her legs has occurred.

With all of her medicines adjusted correctly, her behavior and thinking is normal again. In a way I have my old mother back. But again, I do not. She still is forgetful, can't live alone, needs a lot of help, etc etc, you all know how this is, as you live it too. But her verbal abuse, paranoia and other nastiness is completely gone, for months now. Thank God.


I think there is help for you with your parents. Do whatever you have to do to get your parent to a properly trained psychiatrist/neurologist or gerontologist who understands behavior disorders and how to treat them and make it clear to them how vital it is to you for them to get your parent's verbal abuse controlled. ec kostrubala

This message has been edited. Last edited by: ec kostrubala,

Reading your experience with bad behavior reminds me of my poor mothers behavior as well as my husbands.Both changed once they were prescribed the correct meds.Just do not depend on a GP.A good gheriatric doctor will serve her well.These GPS go to their little blk book to find a meds that might work.

Angel Kitty welcome in I agree with Torp it sounds like your mother is sundowning do you have a recorder to record your mom when she has these fits so her PCP can hear this also?
While I do understand your love and respect for your mom your beautiful baby girl doesnt deserve to be witness to that, its not fair to her nor to you it puts you on the defensive with your mom and one of these days you just might blow if you havent already.
You may have to put your foot down rather firm with mom and tell her either she goes to see the doctor or.....
Yes there are other alternatives to Medicare and its called state aid if she doesnt have insurance to cover a NH or Board and Care facility.
My one question to you is how did she get medical attention up to this point if you cant get her in to see her PCP?

Angel kitty, I'd call her doctor and speak with him personally. Sometimes they can hospitalize them on some premise and conduct testing. This also gives them the opportunity to have the behaviors observed by professional consultants such as a geriatric psychiatrist.

What you are experiencing sounds like classic sundowning behaviors to me.

I also have a verbally abusive mother who does this Jeykle and Hide thing but usually only at night. One minute she is sweet and the next she is either screaming and calling my 14 year old special needs daughter ugly names or crying. She also has COPD. The kicker is she doesn't remember any of it and refuses to go to the doctor. Medicare won't pay for a nursing home so she lives with me now. We do have home healthcare that comes in twice a week but if I talk to them about it they call her doctor and tell me she needs to come in, which she won't do. The stress level sometimes is just unbearable. I'm not sleeping because I replay everything in my head all night. I want to be respectful to my mother and I love her so much. She has been there for me through my divorce and many other things, but I also need to protect my daughter. Any suggestions?

Welcome Vulcan, becoming infirm can bring out worst in the best of us, even outbursts of anger, but if you are bringing it here, you are probably concerned about the level and ways to cope. Please, there are techniques to practice, detachment, redirection, time outs, but first, medical issues should be addressed. As mentioned. His meds may need adjustment, infections must be ruled out. Often we have had reports here of behavior changes being traced back to UTIs or certain prescriptions.

Sometimes just a place to let off some steam, someone to talk with makes all the difference. Glad you found us.

I hope vulcan will fill us in a little more on the details of her dad's behavior. Sometimes, the "normal" fussing of elders is irritating to us; other times, their fussing becomes ranting and is more pathological in nature. If it is irritation, some talking and behavior modification techniques might be helpful; but if his behavior is more pathological in nature, he may need meds or have an undiagnosed problem. It just depends what it is...

Torp, you have said it so well.You said exactly what I was going to say.

I hate to be so one-note in here, but it made so much difference for us: talk to his doctor about the possibility of depression. A change in meds may help. I know that getting my MIL on lexapro sure added quality to her life, not to mention her caregivers ... if you know what I mean and I think that you do.

But if he's got a condition that requires oxygen, his brain is probably also a little oxygen deprived and that just affects them.

Some of the best advice I ever heard about dealing with difficult people (like my MIL, who was a pill before the dementia) came from my mom: "There's nothing you can do to change her, so what you'll have to work on is how you react to her." Sounds good, hard to do, worth the effort to retrain yourself. Quite often the things that really got under my skin now actually crack me up, although I am sensible enough to wait until I get home to laugh about it.

Hey there Vulcan500 welcome....
Frustration HAH do you know how many times Id like to drop kick an 02 tank an tubing cause my klutzy butt constantly trips on that mess?! Nevermind the poor patient attached to that catastrophe in the making
Seriously though the attitude has much to do with lower 02 saturation in them either they are lethargic or their spitfire and that dang tubing doesnt help either as much as I get frustrated imagine them and how they feel having their independence taken away and if ya got a mile of that tubing they cant even walk that far but sure as were settin here their minds think they can Lord help us all I got one such woman right now that swears were goin to a thrift store and Walmart so she can go spend some money I love the stuffing outta this woman but I hear one more time how many ways were gonna sneak outta that house when I can barely get her to move Im gonna wrap dat tubin around her while shes settin in that dang chair an leave her there!
Just kidding
Is this a new thing with him?
He may have an infection, UTI or other thats making him act out or meds that he is on could also be a cause of this type of behavior....If not how about a little honesty?
Why dont you try telling him your just as frustrated as him and that getting mad isnt going to solve the problem
Then take your butt outside to the trash can an go break some glass Oh the wonderful sound of breaking glass yeah dats the ticket

Welcome, Vulcan. What does he do when he vents his frustrations? Personally, I have been known to go off on all the topics you mentioned (including O2 tubing, but probably for different reasons )...
Is he raging? Frightening you or the kids? Is he "acting out" his anger or just running his mouth about the irritants? Is he simply beefing about most everything and not saying anything positive about much of anything?

Without a LITTLE more to go on, I don't know what to suggest to you... When you have time, I hope you'll fill in the gaps a little more.

Welcome vulcan500!

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate!

Unfortunately, difficult behaviors are not uncommon in eldercare. I think the biggest clue to coping is to somehow find a way to mentally detach. Sort of like:
It's not him, it's the illness talking.
I need to step back a little and not react to this.

As far as uplifting? You have to have a sense of humor.
Did you ever try earplugs?

Welcome aboard.