Dont know where to begin. We lost my mom a year ago tomorrow to cancer...it was quick and, as I lived out of state, I spent those last two weeks of her life living at my parents and helping take care of my mom.

Forward to May of this year. One of my cousins noticed a significant weight loss in my dad. She had contacted my other siblings, but no one seemed to care, so she contacted me in Connecticut.

I didn't see Dad much as I lived so far away, but spoke with him on the phone daily. After speaking to his dr and finding there were no medical problems, but a touch of depression as well as the beginnings of dementia. Dad
lives in Mass, I was in CT. I got nervous and as the summer went on, made the decision for my partner and I to move back to Mass and spend a month with him while we looked for an apartment.

We were there for ONE day when he fell down the stairs and broke his hip. This changed everything as he had a touch of dementia at this point. By the time he got out of the hospital and rehab (about 8 weeks later), the dementia was bad and he was requiring 24/7 care.
So my one month stay there has turned into a more permanent situation.

I hadn't foudn a job until just prior to his coming home, so I was spending each day at the rehab with him learning to take care of him with my cousin and my partner.

My dad has been home since mid-November. Aside from my youngest brother, who comes into the house on Mondays, my siblings really have little to nothing to do with him. They don't call or come over with any regularity...maybe once a month...they all live within a 30 minute drive.

One sister, who has a problem with me, has come to see him once in the 12 weeks he has been home while I was at work and proceeded to ask "important" questions (whether the house was still be split when he died--who was paying the bills--did he have any moeny on him--etc).

We have a woman who comes in Tues-Thurs to stay with dad and take care of things while I am at work (til 6:30 PM then she leaves til 8 AM the next day), then I am home with him all day Fri-Sat and Sun.

Dad is now at level 5 Alzheimers. He is gentle and we are living well between myself, my partner and Dad. He gets along, but it can be frustrating for me as I feel all alone with his care.

At the beginning I had asked for one of my siblings to come over for an hour on a Saturday morning so I could drive my partner to work...the response was either "no" or "can't he change his hours". Many times they have called to say they are stopping by and then never show. I stopped telling Dad that they are coming until the doorbell rings, because he gets upset.

They all feel that it is my place to take care of him and they can just take part as they want.

Right now, I feel pulled in a million different directions--I am trying to do a good job at work and take care of dad and be a dad to my own children. I feel like I am failing at most--except my regular job. They seem to think I am doing great.

How does someone juggle all of this? How do I not feel like a failure? How do I continue to work 24/7? I really need some suggestions as I feel like I am at the end of my rope

Sandy, things look so different when we have a chance to look back and reflect.When we are under stress with a full plate we cannot see things in a objective way.
Too many times we are so over stressed we are unable to think at all.
Most have been there and now have the chance to look back and understand things so much better.

Dear PRCT:

When all is said and done, I suspect you might feel relieved that the other siblings stayed away. You’re doing what you have to do and not because anyone is telling you to or because there aren’t alternatives for your fathers care but because you are the stuff champions are made of! People with their sorry excuses….well, it’s all too common that making a difference for others feels like there’s just not enough in it for them! When your role of caregiving ends, you may be grateful for having done all you did without external help from family. You’re nurturing the people that matter, primarily yourself and your father.

You ask, “How does someone juggle all of this?” Without passing this off lamely, you just do, that’s how. You already know this though. You’re living proof of this. Again, you may feel when the caregiving is over, it wasn’t as big a sacrifice or that no sacrifice was too big as it feels right now because it sounds to me from your post that your internal voice just keeps telling you that any alternative to let you off the hook, is really not an alternative and probably, there’s no distance too far for those you love. While you’re doing it, it’s hell…it’s a sacrifice though that only naturally takes on a slew of emotional ups and downs but bottom line is, you’re answering to yourself when you take these challenges on and you to me, sound like the kind of person who keeps my faith in others, alive and worth it all.

I put my life in storage 17 months ago to take over the caregiving to both my parents. My mother suffered a few TIA’s, broke her pelvic, and lost her eyesight from macular degeneration. My father had suffered a massive stroke a long time ago, was completely debilitated from it, had dementia and many other complications from being stroked. I was feeling miserably daily over what I had taken on….it was all way too much for me, so I felt. I kept doing it though and at the time thought it was because I had no choice and with all the roller coaster events that continually occurred here, I kept taking charge and kept doing what others thought was amazing. I used to think that their opinions were just a preventive measure for them to continue keeping their distance as if to say, “Thank God it’s you and not me,” in other words. In November, a new aide I had hired for my fathers care carelessly dropped him while transferring him from the bed to wheelchair. He hadn’t locked the back wheels and the chair gave way. A fractured hip landed my father in surgery, a huge compromise to any geriatric, especially my father who was suffering from heart and renal failure as well. Five weeks later he came home even more debilitated and 4 weeks later to the day, my beautiful, sweet father was gone. That was January 5th, that I lost my father. If I could change anything about what I took on, it would be the attitude I had toward it all.

Never lose sight of why you’re there PRCT. It’s a gift and so are you to those that matter most. You are wonderful.

‘There will be an answer. Let it be.”

Hi , I'm Bobcat, I hope I may call you P7 because now that I'm replying to your post, I can't see your letters and numbers.
This may not make a lot of sense to you right now. You have made so many sacrifices and asked your partner and your children to go along with you, and they have. And you know that this is the least you will do for love and duty to your Dad. And that's the most any of them, who owe him as much as you, care to be bothered? What an awful shock?
You don't even sound like you feel dumped on, just overwhelmed, and dumfounded. You are definetly a wonderful person and your Dad is so lucky you have stepped up to the plate. I think pretty soon, you may actually find it a blessing that the others stay away and don't interfere. They are losing so much and will never know. Hang in there, we are on your side.
With admiration, Bobcat

Hey PRCT7777 Welcome in and ditto what MB said!
Aint she just aces?! Now me on the other hand I keep the laughter going ok ok and occasionally kick butt sue me I have bad days!
But seriously...ok no not seriously...you feel pulled in a million different directions cause your so daggum good at what you do! Now dontcha feel a tad bit better about that? Sweetie sometimes you just gotta drop all those balls you got goin on at the same time and just tend to the important stuff....the stuff that needs your attention and realize all those other things will still be there when your finished who knows you might find that it wasnt really that important anyhow...focus on the time you have left with your Dad, make the most of it.
You feel like a failure at times??? Are you really that perfect cause if you are I think I better quit while Im ahead! Just kiddin ya!
Now Take a deep breath sit up straight (dam I sound like my mother!) and say out loud Im pretty dam good at what I do! I aint no steekeen failure I get it right the first time.. Hey now what did I say about that? It may not be perfect but its the best I can do with what I have at the moment and thats fine by me! If that person in my family dont want to be around here and give me a hand then they missed out on a very special time and a very important lesson that only I am privy to!
So now I will go and leave you to your thoughts dont forget to take those deep breaths *mother stop that! you always gotta put your 2 cents into this?!* Sorry bout that P7... now get those fuzzy slippers on (garfield slippers are ok too!) and slip into the ole bar & grill and toss back a few we dont bite!
Next subject name! P7 There! I like short! Im short ya gotta problem with short?!

Dears Moms Buddy,

I am laughing right now and crying at the same time. Thank you for your kind words, they mean more to me than you know...and your advice...THANK YOU!

It is funny because I am my own worst enemy...thank you for helping put me straight...

Welcome PRCT7777 - Please rest assured that you have found a place where people "talk the talk and walk the walk." As you may have discerned from other posts here, we know all about how people just don't get it... sibs feel guilty and don't help ot angry and don't help, or they feel nothing at all and don't help... The first attitude that has to change is yours. You have interrupted your life to care for your dad, which is marvelous and a wonderful thing to do! It's kinda obvious that your sibs are not exactly cut from the same cloth there... So the FIRST thing you have to do is OWN this decision as your own. It IS a choice we make! For many of us, it's the ONLY choice we would consider! Other people feel differently and oversee their parent's care at a facility of some kind. No matter WHAT you do, know that YOU are the one who has to make the decisions and live with them. I hope you have taken care of the legal end of things... you at least need a DPOA to advocate for your dad in medical matters, pay his bills, etc.

How each of us handles the load along with whatever else we are doing is as varied as the people here... but the main thing we share is an enormous PRIDE in what we are doing. Despite all on your plate, you have interrupted things to help your father. As you have seen, nothing exactly goes as planned with our elders... Many, many people would not have done what you did and maybe the rest of the world doesn't understand that level of sacrifice, loyalty and devotion, but WE do!

Take a deep breath, dear! LOOK fairly at what you are doing right now and the circumstances under which you are living. If it was someone else, what would YOU say to them about feeling like a failure? I'll bet you'd tell them that they are dancing as hard as they can dance and maybe they are expecting too much from themselves! None of us does a 100% great job at every aspect of our lives PLUS caregiving 24/7... we are frequently run ragged. But we do the best we can for everyone and everything to which we have obligated ourselves. Sometimes, it means temporarily making changes to lower stress - like is the clock gonna stop if the grass DOES get a little long? Will the sun come up tomorrow morning if I go to bed early? Or leave the laundry until tomorrow... Does the house REALLY have to be kept neat as a pin, or can we relax the rules a little? Can our children be pressed into taking on more responsibility for us?

You are ONE MAN trying to take care of a large, emotionally taxing, physically draining job AND you are working outside the home and raising kids and being a life partner to boot! Ummmmmm, give yourself a break, willya?

This period of your life will not last forever. You are trying to do right by your dad and keep everything else going as well... Don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help from others. It doesn't do much good to rage at folks, but sometimes it DOES do a world of good to simply sit DOWN and EXPLAIN to them what you are willingly doing and that you could use a "back up" on a regular basis. If folks don't come through for you (and many times, they don't), then just cross that person off your "possible resources" list and move on smoothly to the next. Sometimes neighbors and other local folks will be glad to sit for an hour or so... your local Counsil on Aging should have a list of sitters in your area. The doc can send home health out to assist with your dad's caregiving chores from monitoring his health to bathing, changing, etc. Don't try to be a hero and do every single thing yourself unless your back is to the wall - that's a tough load to carry and whenever you can find help, avail yourself of it. You will still have PLENTY to do to fill your time, I assure you!

Many of us try to follow the rules of parenting - "sleep when the baby sleeps" is an important one! You must take care of the caregiver (that would be YOU) FIRST because if the caregiver goes down, the whole card house comes tumbling down.

When you feel overwhelmed, or ready to commit a felony against someone (or a HOST of someones), you can depend on us... You can vent your spleen, get answers and suggestions, get an attitude adjustment and a lot of understanding from the wonderful crew of folks here. We re all stumbling through this together and most of us don't really know how we are doing it either!! We just do...

Glad you found your way here... come on over to the ECO Bar & Grill,
http://eldercare.infopop.cc/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/56360781...401015234#2401015234
...grab a stool and relax - Harry even lets us put our feet on the bar and wear fuzzy bedroom slippers! Looking forward to getting to know ya!
Many blessings to you for your loving service to your dad.