my hubby is 82 w/CHF Af VaD and broken hip
son out of prison lives with us but not looking for job. financially dependent on us and I am worried he will steal money from me. *has before
used to manipulate father for money. when I got on him about finding a job one morning he attacked me and choked me but hubby pulled him off of me. I am 68. son is 37 6'3" 280 lbs.I called police but hubby begged me not to tell them because he would be violating parole so I didn't. he violated anyway a month later he had started drugs. I am hiding my purse at night. Son will stay with Dad while I go to store but not changing clothes or giving showers or anything like that. I still do it all.
I am scared I will pass first bad heart,diabetes etc and he will control his Dad even though we have everything in a trust Dad has dementia. Son is a gambler and I am afraid he will loose the house and everything. If his Dad passes first I want him to move out but know it will be hard.
He hates me says I abandoned him to work. his other 1/2 brothers/sister siblings are all older starting at 59 on down. they live far away but all want Son out on his own. Son is the baby. His wife/girlfriend just left him for his friend of 25 years. I think he is depressed and that is reason for gambling. He refuses medical help. How do I get him to look for a job and to go if he gets one? I love him but am afraid of the drama just waiting to happen.

Dear Thelma,
Get yourself to Al-Anon, my dear. That program has saved my life. To any of you who may be dealing with drug addiction, alcoholism in a loved one, get yer butts to a meeting, PRONTO! You are not alone. You can learn how not to enable these very sick family members, and keep your sanity, too. Been in for 20 years now. The stories are heartbreaking, but there is always a ray of hope.
Blessings to you all.
Kathleen

Thelma you cannot save him from himself, only he can do this...If you doubt any part of this check out your local AA or NA groups in your area.
If he is suicidal then he needs help if hes just boasting about it then he needs attention in a way you cant give without sucking all the energy out of you.
Either way he needs to be re institutionalized as he obviously did not learn any lesson the first time around.
Your safety is all that matters here Thelma.

Let me put this in another way for you Thelma that you may change your mind about...you ever see an overdose victim? Well what you are doing here is allowing this boy to keep taking drugs.
Is that what you really want?
Do you want to be woken up one day by a phone call that your son didnt make it back from his latest drug binge? Cause at this rate thats just whats gonna happen here have no doubt about that.
You want to feel guilt sweetie, cause I CAN tell you that kind of guilt you dont want.
Do him a favor cause this is probably the last one he is gonna get now. Turn him in today before you end up having regrets later

Dear Thelma,

Everything and anything I want to say to you has already been said by every single person here. I'm just another person supporting you and feeling desperate for you. You are allowing yourself and your husband to be held hostage by an ungrateful piece of work. Stop trying to protect him. All you're doing is enabling and allowing him to continue the same destructive acts with no consequences. You need to keep taking care of your husband and anyone who can't or refuses to be supportive, especially when you're trying to keep a safe and protected environment presently and in the unknown future, belongs far away from you. Get him out of there Thelma. Let his actions dictate his fate. Please make sure this happens for your and hubbys sake.

We are all supporting you. I'll be checking in on Tuesday to find out what's happened with you. I'm sure we all will.

Everyone thank you for your candid responses.
yes, I have to take action. But right now I am also afraid of him hurting himself. I am going to call his parole officer Tuesday.

another thought, Because of your husbands condition, you cannot rely on his advice or his aid in this issue. I am truely sorry for all the things that have gone wrong in this son's life, but nothing will change for him if he can hide in and abuse your home. Maybe there is help for him and maybe there is not. I hope there is, but at 37, he must be responsible for the consequences of his action and choices. If he would threaten you in such a manner, he must go, even if back to jail. And it can't be "next time". That may be too late. Please take charge, your husband wants the best, but is incapable of dealing with this. Protect yourself at all costs, you are valuable and still have a mission to accomplish. Please don't let him take that away.

Thelma, none of us can take the escalating risks of abuse in our own homes, or anywhere else for that matter. WE COUNT, and our sense of security MATTERS. My first husband was a paranoid schizo. I tried to take "in sickness and in health" seriously, but when he actually threatened my life by trying to choke me, I had him arrested, and left while he was in jail.
Everything must be different when it is your child, even a grown one, but you will not be able to continue as your husbands caregiver if you are severely injured or , please forbid, killed. This is a very serious issue. Living in fear must stop. It is no way to spend your life. I know there is some guilt getting in the way of taking action, but priorities must over ride this. What can you help, and what you can't.
He needs help or restraint that isn't going to happen in your home. And you will need outside help to remove this threat from your life. I am so truely sorry that this is happening to you and your husband, but tolerating the situation is not going to solve anything. Once hands have been around your throat, things aren't going to be normal again (if they ever are, if there is such a thing) untill his threat is gone from your home. You will need to change your locks and maybe get an alarm system, if he is simply relocated.

The one thing I have no tolerance is anyone abuseing someone.I told my kids if they ever abused their wives I would kill them my self.The elderly are abused more then we are informed.Cowards and poor excuses for people is the only way to describe them.They always have reason to justify what they do.You can bet they never look inward.

Thelma, I give my opinion on this matter because of experience.I had a son in law who turned to drugs.He thought the drugs would cure his ongoing emotinal pain.
He knew how to manipulate and lie .He would sell the shirt off his back to buy drugs,But that was not the worse.He would become abusive to my daughter and hubby had to call police and go to their apt to try to get answers.Always a dog and pony show.He sold an air conditioner we gave them for their apt.Sold a diamond ring my mother had given my daughter which she did not know until she wanted to wear it.Sold their stereo and TV.He was well versed in excuses and lying.My hubby took him to a reyhab upstate only to have him turn around and hitchhike back.I got so fed up I call his parent in Ohio and told them to get their butts down here and take their son home and get some help,This was their problem to resolve and not ours.They did such and in years straightened his self out.But 2 years later he was swimming in a quarry , had a heart attack and drowned at the age of 33.
I had a 1st husband who was abusive.He would always say he was sorry , etc.My need to believe him was so strong for reasons of my own.He would always tell me if I called the police he would get me.Well, one Sat he beat me.I had had enough.I called the police, they arrested him.The entire family had me talk to him in jail.This big bully was sitting in his cell crying like a baby.He underestimated me for sure.They all signed papers stating I would never have to deal with him again and he was their responsibility.I never did.I was fortunate, I had experienced some hard knocks and survived.I was a fighter and was a lot younger and not as frail as I would be now..No one deserves to be a victim of anothers physical rage.We have to do what we can to keep our selves out of harms way.
A few times my husband chosse to celebrate his birthday and got so drunk.I called someone to take him to his bed.He got up and came down 13 steps on his back.I called them again to get him up and take him upstairs.He was getting sick and I told them they will have to keep his head out of the water in the toilet to prevent him from drowning.He layed all night saying I feel terrible.No sympathy from me.He made his bed lie in it.I would never care for him the day after.He choose to do what caused his pain so he had to make himself better.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: mae,

Thelma, kick da bum out. At 37, he'd better learn to fly 'cause he can't lay on your leg forever. He's been a grown person (I hesitate to use the word, "man" cause he doesn't come up to the standards for that one) for a long dang time. If he EVER raised a hand to me, I'd lay him out with a fryin' pan or anything I could get hold of. Of COURSE - you should report this to his parole officer, then get a peace bond on him. Sometimes, kids disappoint us, but that's NO EXCUSE to allow them to victimize us! EVER!

It's high time you stopped raggin' that fella and put him out. He's been making decisions for himself (obviously badly) for a LONG time - he'll keep doing' it and using you as long as you allow him to do so.

There is NOTHING that infuriates me more than kids who take advantage of their parents, especially their moms! I cut Moms some slack because they DID have the kids and tried to raise 'em right and a mom is always a mom...
BUT
NO MOM should EVER put up with ANYTHING like this. Why did you allow him to return to your home after he got out of prison? He may have done his time to society but he has done NOTHING to earn YOUR trust back! That's his job and letting him come back there after what he did before was poor judgement. It's like telling him, oh, that's all right, dear. Not EVEN! Now that he is out, IF he wants to make amends to you for his prior crimes, he had better SHOW you the changes by assuming responsibility for himself and showing some responsibility for making restitution to his parents!

Please don't take offense, dear - take action! You have plenty enough on your plate without worrying about this also. Do what's right, Thelma - and it's not right to allow him to get away with this stuff. If he is afraid of his parole officer knowing stuff, guess what... he shouldn't be doing stuff that'll cause his parole to be revoked. If ya can't do da time, don't do da crime. Refusing to live with him does not mean that you don't love him - it means that you cannot trust him. That part is up to him.

We're ALL behind you, Thelma! Please keep us updated! Good luck! I hope you'll take positive action immediately!

Thelma, BunnysGirl has given you the best advice.This person will become more out of control , more dangerous and will make you a prisoner in your own home.He will have to be held accountable for his actions.Anyone with his history never accepts responsibility for their actions.They are great manipulaters and liars.This has to do with your and hubbies safety and the right to live in your home with no fears.He will continue this behavior if you do not stop being his enabler.Call whom ever you need to get this resolved.Just do what needs to be done and let him be the one that suffers not you.He in one step before hurting you.You know this and you can prevent it.
They will steal more then your pocket book with money to be able to buy drugs.Nothing has any value to them but drugs.

Thelma first of all glad you found us!
Second of all the so called (and I use the term loosely) Son (eck 'scuse me while I gag) needs to go. Sweetie you need to get him out now for your own safety! This is your home its NOT a flop house Call his Parole officer and report his attack on you.
Call the officer that I know gave you their card back, retract your statement! Its not too late.
Sweetheart I dont care what you do you are NOT going to change him. You are in essence enabling him this does NOT help him.
What ever your husbands issues are with him whether its guilt or whatever thats HIS problem NOT yours.
Allowing that low life piece of crap to choke you is beyond contempt to me cause sweetheart if I was standing there thats the last thing he would have done in this life!
Im sorry but asses like this have no business out in society coming from a family of PO's I have seen and heard these stories over and over nothing good EVER comes from these types...then there are the stories that dont have such a good ending....do you really want to be just another "story" Thelma??? Cause I really dont think so otherwise you wouldnt be here telling us and asking our opinion about it....
Now if your trying to ask if this is an act of betrayal on your part, my answer...ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!
Your Husband isnt in his right mind and couldnt make a decision to save his life let alone yours so its up to you now sweetie. Make the call and get the bum out of your home.
And yes I really do care about you. No Im not mad at you what I am mad at is hearing how helpless you feel here.
Your not Thelma! You have an entire Police Department at your disposal if you just allow them to do their job!
Please make the call Thelma we are all behind you. Please keep us posted! I for one want to know how you are doing and that you are safe!