I am at my wit's end on what to do about my mom.
She fights me on everything I try to do to help her. She would refuse to go to the Dr until I found one to come to her home. She was so sick that the Dr. had her admitted to the Hospital. I have to say that was a Godsend because while she was in the Hospital I found out so many things about her home that I had no idea about.
I knew she had mice but had no idea it was an infestation.
Since she has been sick she has really let her house go so not only is it dirty it is in need of many repairs.
I have to say I feel somewhat to blame for all this considering I am the only family she has & I am POA.
However anything I try to do from cleaning her house (it actually bothers me to be in her house for very long because of her smoking) to caring for her she fights me.

When she went in the Hospital they found she hadn't really been bathing & was very ill.
After she was discharged I checked her into a Motel in hopes of getting things done around her house. I just keep finding more to do & I have to say I feel her house isn't healthy for her to live in because of all the mouse droppings I keep finding ( I am trying to get it all clean) & how filthy her house is. It is just awful. I have actually bought new furniture,replaced some of the carpet & cleaned a lot of things but there is still so much that needs to be done.
I have talked to her about moving to a Retirement Community but of course she is fighting me on this. She really doesn't need to live alone as she doesn't take care of herself, her house, is very unbalanced & falls a lot.
I don't know what to do anymore. I am so stressed over all of this. She won't even give moving a second thought no matter what I tell her.
Is there a service that can help me? Do I have other options. What can I do? I have tried to find answers & can't.
Will APS help me or do I have no choice but to let her come back home?

Hi Taiko, you seem to be a lot more computor savvy then I was 6 month's ago when I started here. I private messaged you a welcome. You will see "new PM" on your screen. Just click there, I say Hi.

Hello Bobcat and Moms Buddy,

The computer has just eaten my attempted second post,to thank you both for your much-appreciated early replies. I must get out to the gym and church, but wanted to say what a wonderful surprise it was to come back to the forum today, for a "sneak peek," just in case there were some enlightening new posts or replies--and, lo and behold!

Sometimes it is true that we do not receive because do not ask...or do not keep on asking the questions until we find the answers we need. I shall return to post again later, but for now will just say that your kind and experienced opinions have begun to clear enough of the path before me that I will have more peace about the situation from today forward! Bless you all.

"Talk" to you again soon,

Taiko

Taiko, I'm so glad you have signed in to contribute to the forum. You are wonderful to even try to do what you are doing..

Please listen to what Mom's Buddy is saying. Talk to the relative that has POA and find out if there is a DPOA, existing. This is the relative that needs to either take charge of some of this, or turn it over to the one(you) bearing the brunt of her care.. If there is no DPOA, there needs to be one, PRONTO.

Like MB, I do enjoy the personal expressions of an elderly one in home decorating. Enjoy the things that seem wierd at times. And even learn from it. She seems like she is an artist at heart. All the things they gather up are important to them, even when we don't see the relavence. Some even have true historical value. Mom wants me to bring in a member of the local historical society, to go through her books and records to see what might be of value to them, so that she can donate those items when she passes on. They won't want the margerine tubs full of rotten ruuber bands or twist ties, probably not the balls of string, either, but if I make the appointment, I want my Bro to be there to. There might be some things they would value that he would want for his daughter, rather than donate.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bobcat,

Taiko, you would do well to seek out a support group in your area for caregivers of patients with AD or other dementias. Read up on brain damage - it's manifectations, etc. and you will understand more of what you are seeing.

You have to understand the difference between 'can't" and "won't." Your grandmother CAN'T make good decisions any more. Asking her to do so or trying to modify her behavior is NOT going to work. Go to her doctor, explain the symptoms you have been seeing and request an in-patient geriatric psych evaluation. You may need to enlist the help of other relatives in getting her there and you AND the doc may have to be deceptive in the real purpose of the evaluation - whatever it takes, just GET HER THERE.
It is time to take action on her behalf and to end your position of reaction to her declining abilities. People who are losing their mental abilities seldomly are happy about it, usually try to conceal it and are not the ones who should be in charge of their own care!

Accepting help is an interesting phenomenon. Why don't YOU hire someone to help YOU with the work around the house? When Gramma complains, tell her that the person is there to help YOU, not her.

I HOPE that your relative doesn't just have POA - I pray they have a DPOA which will enable them to direct your grandmother's health care. PLEASE go to them and tell them ALL that has been happening. Show them what you have written here.

It's time for action, dear, before gramma decides to light a candle under that stuffed owl's fanny because she can't see him...

---

*chuckle*
Personally, I kinda like the idea of the owl in the torchiere - kinda uber creepy, but it appeals to me... Ain't my son gonna have fun caring for me when I lose my marbles?!!!

My elders' denial and dysfunctional stoicism is very upsetting to me, as is the refusal to either change bad habits or accept help that might improve the living conditions.

After talking to brick walls for years, to no avail, I've had to detach to the best of my ability, to try to preserve my own health. This doesn't mean that I wouldn't help if they asked me to, of course, but rather that I have stopped offering suggestions; and no seldom visibly react any longer to the inevitable consequences of self-inflicted behavior.

It is a relief to me to hear from others who know what it is to try to help someone who has given up baths and showers; thinks their deteriorating health and home management skills are fine, etc. Because of the pressure not to "reveal" any of these private issues to "outsiders" who could help, I have been struggling with these issues largely by myself for years.

The dining room carpet has not been cleaned for 7 years and is disgustingly filthy. I have offered to buy my elder a new one, asked a relative to buy her a new one for Xmas, offered to rent a carpet cleaner--all to no avail: She insists there is nothing wrong with it, and has bought a succession of little throw rugs to toss over the top of the biggest stains.

It's never occurred to me that keeping a journal would do any good, since another relative has POA; but now I'm starting to wonder.

This past winter, after telling me that the city instructed her to turn the heat off to save electricity, she also claimed that there were no lightbulbs available for the lamps in her kitchen and living room--so she sat largely in the dark until I unscrewed the burnt out ones and took her to a specialist lighting store.

Prior to this, she told me that she had intended to put the "no longer functioning" torchiere lamp next to the dining room table, then put a stuffed owl on top of it. She explained that the reason for this was because someone had bought her the "unusable" torchiere lamp as a gift, therefore she could not get rid of it; and she thought that the stuffed owl would look decorative sitting on top of it.

[Slaps forehead with palm of hand.]

And yet she still insists that she is not only running her own life just fine, thank you very much; but also tries to run mine...

I used to wonder why followers of Jesus other than the disciples were called Saints, but now I think I get it. It does require saintly patience and compassion not to just run in the opposite direction...

Rhonda, your story is not unusual.
I would have mom evaluated , mentally, while she is in the hospital.The things you have described suggest she may have the beginning of mental problems.They maybe suttle but require attention.
Your are right to completely clean her home or get help doing such.Possibly after the initial cleanup she could have help once a week.At 62 and hearing she is intelligent she may know something is not all together right with her.That has got to be so frightening for her.It would be for me.I would say all of us who have been caregivers have this fear in the back of our minds.I know I do.If you are able you may want to sit down with her and remind her that her living conditions will cause her great illness.If possible I would make her living space and simple and clutter free as possible.It is not easy being responsible for anothers well being as well as yours and your family.BE PREPARED FOR HER NOT WANTING TO COOPERATE.You may have to be firm with her and tell her her options.The roll reversal is about to begin

Welcome, Rhonda. First, take a deeeeeep breath! Things didn't get this way in a day, and it'll take you more than a few days to sort it all out.

First, try to understand her... she knows she is not doing well, but giving in feels like giving up to folks. First, you need a durable POA (DPOA) to make medical decisions for your mom. If you have that, great, but an ordinary power of attorney is not enough.

You didn't mention what all is wrong with your mom, so it's a little difficult to hazard a guess as to whether she is exhibiting some early signs of dementia or if she has simply been feeling bad for a while and could use more help and supervision.

Do you live nearby? Perhaps she could stay with you rather than a motel until her home is ready... This kind of housework goes easier if you get together as many friends as you can and everyone go sort, pack and throw away. Then have an exterminator and professional cleaning service come in to finish the job. Your mom may not like this, but if her quarters are not healthy, it has to be done. It would probably be better if she didn't participate because I suspect it will upset her to see folks cleaning and going over her things...

You may need to firmly, but lovingly tell her that you love her and do not want to see her living in these conditions, nor will you permit her to do so! There are agencies who can be employed to come help your mom, etc., but first we need to know a little more about her health care needs and her general abilities. Sounds like assisted living might be perfect thing for her.

You have to somehow get through to her that you love her and are trying to take care of her and want her to be safe... nagging and whining and crying and fussing won't work... honest, assertive straightforward communication is your best hope. Does she have any other relatives - siblings, friends, etc. - who could "get through" to her any better?

The hospital has social workers who are invaluable in explaining needs and options not only to you but also to the patient. Is your mom on Medicare or Medicaid? Does she have any Long-Term Health insurance or anything which can help defray the cost of sitters, etc. Depending on her health, she may qualify for home health visits, which your mom's doctor can order.

Fill us in a little more about her situation and yours so that we can offer better suggestions to you. APS probably will not help at this point until other approaches have failed. If you choose to go to them, you should have photographs of her house in it's original condition to document as well as a journal of her problem behaviors, etc. Once the home has been cleaned up for her, you won't be able to demonstrate her inability to care for herself.

Good luck and please update us.

Hi Rhonda, I'm Bobcat , you are very welcome here, at ECO. Some times I hear stories about this dirt or that, and think it's just a matter of one person being a neat freak and the other is not, but, mice are,can be a true health threat. And droppings everywhere are true sources of infection ranging from minor to major any where in the world. Not only the diseases they are associated with but Flea infestations. So few people these days realize that a mouse in the house is a source of fleas.
Keep up the good work on your Mom's behalf. This is hard, and often "under the table".
If she is not incompetent, there may not be much you can do. Declaring Incompetency is nasty business. Keep records, does she keep appointments, pay bills on time, remember names of people she sees often,etc. Offer help . Try to get her to let you be a cosigner on her account."just in case bills come due when you don't feel like dealing with it".
You are starting off great. Blindsided like most. It can creep up or hit like lightning.

Rhonda welcome in so glad you found us

Boy this seems to be the theme of the day here lately getting LO's to do something that is good for them.
Cleaning her house though I have to say is a great start here those mouse droppings can be a danger to someone already compromised by infections not to mention you! You poor thing those sinuses must be givin you grief right about now cleaning that mess.
Bless your heart for all that you are doing.
Now to the part of forcing this situation for moms own good Im afraid theres not much you can do. The best thing you can do is keep an eye on her if she is unwilling to budge.
I am going out on a limb here so bear with me.
Her home I believe is causing her illness so lets start there you are already cleaning things up so I would continue doing so for the time being and see how mom responds to it. She may just turn around...maybe but this is a real good time to keep that watchful eye on her and see if behaviors stay the same for lets say a couple of months after this bang up cleaning job of yours then I would approach her PCP and speak to him about the possibility of AD. He can have her admitted for an in patient evaluation and on the road to diagnosis and treatment but while your at this also get a DPOA for your mom it is a real good idea to have both sweetie