does anyone out there get frustrated by family member who are too uncomfortable seeing there loved ones to be involved? what do you do? we have taken this lady, daisy into our home and her family knows that she is safe and well cared for so they have as much as abondoned her. one son comes faithfully on sundays, the other 2 say mom doesn't remember them, that she doesn't remember if they came or not and it is too hard seeing her like this. when we took her in i assured her one son that i would not get involved in family dynamics but it is harder than i thought to sit quietly by while her mother's life passes by with strangers as her new family. i'm afraid it is a situation they will regret in the future. i am hesitant to ask this but anyone have an opinion? i know i took for granted that my mom and dad would still be there. dad died 8 years ago of cancer and i regret that i used the excuse of distance to not visit often enough. with mom i never thought that with her strength she would recover. didn't happen.

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i assured her one son that i would not get involved in family dynamics but it is harder than i thought to sit quietly by while her mother's life passes by with strangers as her new family. i'm afraid it is a situation they will regret in the future. i am hesitant to ask this but anyone have an opinion?

FD&H, you are between a rock and a hard place. Personally, I think I would concentrate on the task before me and if they have made unwise choices, that's theirs to bear. Sounds like her "stranger" family are better to her than her genetic one!

Please don't hsitate to ask anything here (except to borrow money ) - whether folks agree or disagree, you can always be assured that you will get a good range of opinions and responses. That's the beauty of this place - many, different people whose common interest brings us all together.

Hi Happy, Daisy is so lucky to have you. Yes, I do get frustrated with a certain family member who hasn't seen HER Dad for over a year and a half. Her Mom died about 15 or so years ago, her step dad a year or so ago so her Dad is the only one she has left(other than 2 half brothers and a half sister)I try not to get upset about it but still do-I am sure Mike doesn't understand why she doesn't come. Since his stroke I did take him to visit her a couple of times but that is out of the question now-we can't fly and to take the ferry and drive would be a 2 day trip. When we go on holidays I have suggested she meet us-she could fly non stop to Victoria. Nope.She was coming most falls around her Dad's birthday but last year she didn't because they had a new dog and she didn't want to leave it-duh-her partner never comes with her. Everyone keeps reminding me that she is the one that will have regrets in the end. I am glad Daisy has at least one son that appreciates her(and you). Gypsy

I can only imagine what would have happened to Daisy without you and your family. After you address the concerns BG raised, (they are very real) I suppose we then get to the questions of regrets, yours, mine, and everyone elses. It seems that trying to share what you have learned in life falls on deaf ears, unless they are asking the questions. Most people have to make their own mistakes and live with regret or in denial.

That's one of the unique things that happen here at ECO. Everyone is eager to learn from one and all anything that will save our LOs from unnecesary suffering and pain and hopefully save our own sanity while we are at it. Anything other than quietly mentioning your concerns just once and once only to the son who does come will probably result in a concusion from beating your head against a wall. People handle these things in their own way and that's that. Any way, that is how it seems to me, some people just can't handle it. Others try. You are certainly a very special person for trying and for doing. I really admire you.

bunny. thank you for speaskingup. i have to admit that all your comments have crossed my mind and i have addressed some, as far as my fear of an accident and lawsuits, etc. i fully trust the son who hired me, the other two were in question. i made it clear from the start that although i am trained in care i am not a medical pro and was concerned about sibs reaction to events beyond my control. her involved son is a doctor and has deferred to my judgement since i am the one who knows her best after 4 years. he supports me 100% and his new wife tells me that they talk and consider me a godsend. it is nice to hear that. he wrote them a very intense letter and told them to grow up, put the past behind them and accept her as she is now, that he didn't want to see crocodile tears when she was gone but to treasure the time, in the moment now whether she remembers their visit ten minutes later she is very happy in the moment. that was about as far as it went.i was angry at one point and sent them all a letter, the friend son also, not that he was in the wrong in any way but only so he would know what was going on when the sh-t hit the fan. i detailed my duties and then broke it down to how much my monthly paycheck came out to the hour at 24/7. i do earn much more than going out to punch a clock but at times i feel that i am trading my last good years for her last bad years and it scares me. i am very good at what i do and respect her one son very much. apparently it is mutual between us but the other two, it is awful to think, but at times we think they would prefer if we had let her pass away in a nursing home instead of using her resources to keep her going. who knows what the right thing is? when her one son comes to visit sometimes she thinks he is her brother, sometimes her husband and sometimes she is on target. he just knows when she curls up under his arm on the couch and he reads to her she is happy as a frog in a pond while he is here and those are memories he will treasure. the other son tries to get her to remember relatives and points out who had died, etc. clueless. maybe there isn't an answer but i still get angry. i would trade anything for more time and less excuses with my dad. sorry, i'm on a toot and don't know what computer etiquette is. forgive me if i cross the line but i have bottled up so many questions and appreciate insite of those who have been there. again thanks and i appreciate all comment, pro and con. it doesn't mean that i can change her family but it gives me an idea if i am justified in my disgust or just on a pity kick. also, are there live chat rooms in elderly forum and if so how do they work. i'm getting better at typing so it wouldn't be so much like communicating wit ha serious stutterer. thanks all. i already love you guys. god is good but life can stink.

I have to again say Happy, it amazes me what you took on here. I know about the frustration with the lack of support but this is a whole nother ball of wax. this is you taking on for all intense purposes a stranger of sorts...someone elses responsibility...I hope your gettin paid good for this sweetie cause I would need something in this situation to look forward to this aint an easy job for anyone and then there is you..a person who took on the role of CG to a woman who has absolutely no connection to you a family that helps out what? Little to none?
I dont know sweetie If I was in your shoes Id be hauling some butts out on the carpet for their lack of compassion but thats just me I would never make a promise that I would never speak up to these distant relatives. Illness is a part of life whether they like it or not and this IS THEIR MOM.
I would be feeling a bit used here if I were you and what happens if there is an accident? Will they still be beholdin to you? Ive had some questions from the start about this but I held my tongue dear. I figure when you were ready you'd speak up, well here it is.... so I have to ask...do you trust all these people not to try and hurt you in the long run?