Hi,
Just now getting on here and wanted to ask for any advice that may be out there. Here's the situation:

My mom died 10 years ago. Immediately after her funeral Dad was expressing interest in this woman who had been Mom's home health care "helper", she's not licensed, just did bathing through the local agency. He gave her everything of Mom's that nobody in the family wanted and has acted the fool over her for the last 10 years, practically stalking her (he would sit on the roadside and wait on her to pass on her home health rounds and waylay her to take her to lunch). Dad is 84, she is in her mid-late 50's, I'm 50. I have one brother who is older than me, one brother who died in 2005. I was living 200 miles away when Mom died (with my husband and son who was still in school) and Dad used that as his excuse to take up with that woman. She has taken advantage of widowers before but he refuses to believe it. She held out for about seven years and when he wouldn't marry her (thank goodness!) she finally married, and now she AND her husband are benefiting from my Dad's neediness. Her husband actually left a voice mail message on my Dad's phone and closed with "I love you." I moved back here a year ago and he wasn't happy about it because I guess he thought I'd be putting a crimp in his lifestyle. Anyhow, there have been tons of instances where Dad has shown preference for this family over his own. Won't go into long descriptions but he has verbally expressed displeasure with some of my nephew's actions while accepting the same (EXACT) behavior from HER son who is close to the same age. They have taken things from him and he has refused to press charges. As you can imagine there are many stories from the last ten years but please believe me when I say it has been a really bad situation. So when Dad got bad last fall and had to have care (he has been on a walker and in a cast then walking boot since January) he wants HER to give it. She is being paid (I figure she may as well WORK for the money he gives her). He won't turn in what he's paying her to get V.A. Aid and Attendance benefits because she's trying to get on disability and it will ruin it for her. My brother hasn't spoken to him in months now and is working in Illinois on construction and has told me he will not call him or go to see him. The woman stays with Dad from 7-1 each day, I go over every evening and get his meal out and set the house up for him to go to bed later. I know I don't spend that much time over there, but my husband is working out of town and I would love to go with him sometimes, and every day at 5 p.m. everything else has to come to a halt for me to go over there for an hour and a half or so. After 14 months of it, I'm really beginning to tire. Dad is NOT easy to get along with. He tries to force me to accept the woman. He is buying for her and slipping her extra money while running out of savings himself. I asked the lawyer what to do and he said, "Try to smile and not make him mad." He's not anywhere near legally incompetent, he's just a victim of a "Sweetheart Scam" and I'm the only thing keeping him from signing it all over to her. Between my Dad, my responsibilities to my husband (he's home every weekend) and my brother and THAT WOMAN, I feel squeezed on every side. Getting away for a day or two hasn't helped at all, it's just all waiting for me when I get back. I don't see anything changing until he gets worse and requires more care. Luckily I do have POA, Medical Proxy, and am joint on all money (not the house, though, and not the cars - I'm afraid of being sued if he has a wreck!!) The interesting thing is, all four of my grandparents basically died suddenly, at the most they were down for two weeks before dying. There was no long-term care for any of them. My parents never had to worry about their parents. So Dad doesn't really understand what it's like for me, and really doesn't care. He's very self-centered and it's all about HIM.

Oh, and we also are in the process of being made conservator and guardian over my husband's 90 year old uncle who has no heirs and has left his entire estate to his two sitters! We were asked to do it by his lawyer. There's no one else available. Yikes. Anyhow, that won't be too bad once we get it set up, I'm hoping! Of course, the only thing my Dad could say about it is, "It won't interfere with the little dab you do for me, will it?" So I haven't told him anything else about it since. Don't want the grief.

Thanks for listening, I guess it's just a matter of plugging along for as long as it takes.

Oh, I forgot - I'm not taking any money from Dad. If it weren't for that woman I would, but I am determined to prove to him that my brother and I don't care about the money, we love him and want to care for him. So far it doesn't appear to be working, though! He just told me the other day that maybe I'll be paid eventually for everything I do (with my inheritance - which is dwindling daily!)