I think it is time to take a leap of faith here and vent some family laundry. I take care of my H who had a stroke about two years ago. For the most part he is doing ok. He's on a bunch of meds, gets around with a walker but I need to assist with most of his care. This past Wednesday morning, while getting H up, I realized something was very wrong. The gist of this is he had a TIA. (mini-stroke) He refused to go to the hospital. Over the next three days, he quickly improved and is doing fine. No lasting effects. A nurse came to the house to draw blood and check him over. H has been on Coumadin since the orginal stroke and the blood work found the levels to be far too high. The meds have been adjusted, we think that is what caused the TIA. I am not taking this TIA lightly. H has had them in the past when his Coumandin levels were too high or too low. I also realize they are a warning.

But what has my feathers ruffeled today is my Mom. I have been looking after her too. She is 78, lives in her own home by herself about 25 miles from us. I help her with her house work, shopping and driving her to appts. Today I can say she is a selfish, self-centered old bat. Up until my H had his stroke, he also helped her by doing the yard work and home repairs. On Wednesday, when my H had his TIA, I was suppose to take my Mom shopping and do some house work for her. I called her late Wednesday morning to tell the we were going to need to do stuff another day. I told her I was not feeling well, which I was not. I was busy freeking out over my H. I decided not to tell her about the TIA because I didn't want her to worry. How does she handle it? She got mad! Wants to know who is going to vacume her rug! How is she suppose to get to the store and buy her Sherry! Says she is down to her last two half gal. bottles! Now, normally, I am a calm, cool, collected basket case on the edge of insanity. But this was too much. I blew up at her and I told her she was being a selfish, self-centered old bat. I wasn't surprised when she hung up on me. I would have too. Now she isn't talking to me. Won't answer her phone and using the answering machine she hasn't used in years. I could drive over there but if she hit me with an attitude I would have to clip her bat wings. She has pulled this before but always calls in a few weeks and acts like nothing is wrong. Well, I am tired of it. Worn out over her games. I don't have the patients for it anymore. The dust bunnies can carry her to the store to buy her Sherry for all I care right now. She is fully aware of my H's health problems and I don't understand how she can behave like this. I'm tired. Aren't families grand!?!

Mum, I am so glad to hear you and Mom had a nice day together, sounds like a good place to eat!

Awww Mum Im so glad you got to have quality Mama time and clams too?! Why didntcha invite me?!

Well, I have kissed and made up with my Mom. I woke up feeling much better this morning so I called her and invited her to go to lunch today. I picked her up and we went to our favorite surf and turf resturant. She loves steamed clams and so do I. We had a very good talk and all is right with mother and daughter.
Thanks again for all the replys.

for you.

quote:

I am my mothers #1 Fan

Awwww, Mumbo... me too, and yet sometimes, they can REALLY crawl up your shorts like no one else on the face of the earth! Their lifelong knowledge of our "inner workings" enables them to get us right where we live sometimes... I'm glad you smoothed things out... Now whatcha gonna do nice for YOURSELF for doin' such a good job? I think you deserve a box a chocolates and some bubble bath at least!!

Aww,Mum, I knew it would work out. Your call to Mom went a long way, she loves you very much and I am sure appreciates everything you have done and will continue to do for her.

I have been through the exact scenario with my Mil, we have good day and bad, all the same we love each other and that is most important.

Good you used the anger room, it comes in handy, and is a perfect place to vent.

Goodevening Ladies, I would like to say thank you to each and everyone for your replys. There are many concerns about my Mom that I would like to address but I am still not feeling very well and it would be difficult for me to give an accurate response to your questions right now.

I do want you all to know that I have spoken with my Mom this afternoon. We must have talked for almost an hour. I told her I was very sorry for the harsh things I said to her on Wednesday and assured her it would never happen again. We made plans to have lunch as soon as I'm feeling better. I also want you all to know that I am my mothers #1 Fan. Both the regular and safty network I have had in place for her for many years now affords me to know her every move. It was a difficult network to put in place and needs constant adjustment and updating but worth all the time I put into it. My mother knows I love her very much. She is also my best friend.

Wednesday was a bad day and I just made things worse. I asked my Mom for her forgiveness. She gave it. I cherish my mother and all the time we spend together. Mumbo

I still stand by what I said I re read this again myself and I am not changing my thought my own mama would do the same thing and so did my MIL they get angry (hurt) and when they saw we wouldnt budge they both in fact acted as if nothing happened weeks later....why because they are lonely, sure they may have a friend or 3 but in the grand scheme of things its their own flesh and blood they reach out for when things get sticky we know their story backwards and forwards.
Yes she may be drinking too much yes she may have Dementia and while that may be the problem that doesnt justify what was said here you dont think they were worn out by our own antics when we were growing up through our teen years Good God almighty now there are some memories I dont even want to revisit but they stood by our side EVEN when we were clearly out of line....
Why am I laying the guilt so thick Ill tell you why Mum because if something should happen during one of these little tirades directed to your very own mother you cant even begin to imagine the kind of guilt your going to feel then.
Am I saying you are wrong to feel the way your feeling? Frustrated....No but those words you flung at her in the heat of the moment when Mom did not have all the facts was wrong she deserves to know the entire truth of what her baby girl is going through. Why do you feel so comfortable telling us what happened but not to her? Because we're not real? Not true we are but if you say it out loud it becomes more real especially when its said to mom, thats serious Mum, even I know that... I wouldnt tell my Mama or my Gran anything about my husband unless it was of a serious nature (something I had no control over) which made it all the more real and that made me scared.
You have got to go and see your mom and make things right your being pulled in 2 directions and this isnt fair, but you do it.... so why not attend to your mom once and for all get her taken care of and if that means a diagnosis and whatever else you need to do to settle this then thats what you need to do.... That way you know what you are dealing with and you can attend to your husband who so obviously needs you more right now....

after rereading this post i have to say, it sounds like it wasn't necessary for mumbolus to mention H's tia. she had already said she wasn't feeling well. that should have been enough right there for mom to ask after mumbo's health. i don't read that anywhere. just concern over her wine and dust bunnies. sure, we all blow and say things in the heat of the moment, especially under such emotional strain. mumbolus, it sounds like you have tried to call and make it right. maybe i'm not getting it. mom knows how to turn on the answering machine to avoid taking calls she doesn't want. i didn't hear anything about dementia or anything else. so far i just am interpreting it as typical help with older age chores. does she have physical or mental limitations we don't know about or is she just a mom who likes her way? i loved my mom dearly but this was her one fault. she was joan of arch, always on the outs with one of her kids and stubborn as the day is long always expecting the 5 others to take her side. it could be something as petty as she had admired an item first at a garage sale and my aunt went ahead a bought it, that kind of stuff. anyway, through the years we all had to learn to tiptoe around certain issues and we have all blown our tops with her. things always worked out with apologies in the end, NEVER one from her first. we still loved her for everything else she was. so i guess i have to ask mumbo, is there a history of this kind of behavior? is it a case of 'when she's ready?" sorry, i just didn't get any real urgent health care issues except age. yes, our parents deserve our respect and more patience than we often have but we are human and have our limits, too. i'm far from heartless but experienced with one of the greatest guilt trippers ever created. i'm sure you have left a message on her machine. you can only do your best. if she doesn't answer i'm sure she will call and all will be well when the dust bunnies need vacinations. good luck and PEACE. i know your mind is always on your H's health and that alone can keep the nerves as tight as a guitar string. take care.

Mumbo, I totally understand how you are feeling when dealing with a selfish person.

You have to find the right medium for you, whatever it takes to help you get through this. Maybe getting some help for your Mom, which she may initially fight, would help you give your H the care he is needing right now. If there was someone who could help you do the cleaning and other tasks, it might help ease your tension and help you and Mom really enjoy your time together.

I too am saying a prayer for you and your family, hope things smooth over with Mom very soon!

Mumbolus, I should be beaten for what I wrote. I was reading the mail inbetween packing and was mad at my late mom at the time for taking time away from my late husband with her needs of wanting to come first. If you do not tell your mom about your husband she has no way of knowing what is going on. Honey I tried to hide it from my mom when Doug was sick and it only got up into fights. One day as I blew up saying something like "I'm here taking you out when my husband who's sick needs me" Well she started yelling at me for not telling her how I felt. Life is too short to be angry and we never knows what tomorrow brings. I'm sorry dear. I hope you can talk to your mom and let her know what you are going though with hubby.

Mumbo, I truely support MB, when she advises that you find a way to put this behind you, as fast as possible. Don't let it drag out. If it takes the flowers and candy, do it. You and your Mom need to get past this fast. And I urge you to share this situation with her and see how it goes.

If she is oblivious to your problems, it may indicate dementia, or selfishness, or fear.. Or at the least a need to distance yourself from her for a while. (of course keeping an eye out for problems) You just won't know unless you try. You know her and we don't.

I know the first time I opened up to my Mom about my problems, it was amazing. As I told her what I needed for ME to have peace of mind about HER, she was so glad to have an important role in MY life. This doesn't work for everyone, but it is worth a try.

quote:

normally, I am a calm, cool, collected basket case on the edge of insanity.

I just LOVED that line - it could be used to describe me and many other caregivers here!

I hope things settle down with your Mom real quickly. Sometimes when Mom & I hadda big blow (like when she unpacked my entire kitchen... and I SHREIKED at her!), I just go apologize. Now sure, she did mess up my kitchen, but she wasn't operating with a full deck either. I was wrong to yell at her. Most of the time when I get into arguments with others, whether they are sane, insane or anything in-between, I can ALWAYS genuinely say that I am sorry we quarrelled. Sometimes, it's tough because I feel like I am having to eat all the brown stuff on the platter, but, the words "I'm sorry" help to take the wind out of an argument.

Me? I'd take her some flowers and hug her and tell her I was sorry for yelling at her. Then I would explain WHY I was so stressed... If she didn't understand or continued having problems with that concept, I really would make an appointment to have her evaluated for dementia. It's a whole lot better to suspect and have the evaluation and be wrong than to keep thinking it's something else, then have the evaluation AFTER something bad has happened or the relationship has been so damaged by her inability to carry her end of it. When I realized that Mom had dementia and had for a long time, I felt so BAD for the times I gave her a hard time and just didn't SEE what was going on with her...

Mumbo, I'm so sorry that you have a fight with your mom to deal with on top of your husband's emergency. I'll go pray for you and your family as soon as I'm finished typing this.

Do you have any siblings or adult children or good neighbours or a minister in the area who could go check up on your mom ASAP? Maybe someone she knows (who she's not mad at right now) could make sure she's ok and take her shopping for any supplies she needs right away. That would give you both a chance to cool down, and give you some time to make sure your husband is ok... as well as yourself.

Does she know about your husband's TIA yet? Someone has to explain to her what REALLY happened that day. Yes, it was selfish of her to insist you come over to buy Sherry when you were "not feeling well", but at the same time, she deserves to know the truth. If you can get someone ELSE to visit her maybe they can gently explain to her that you knew your husband was sick, you didn't know what to tell her until you were sure what was wrong, and the stress of the whole situation had you already on edge when you had to cancel your shopping date. Maybe they could get her to agree to take a phone call from you.

Mumbo, if your mom is still very clear-minded, but needs assistance, she needs to have someone come in and provide that assistance - your plate is full.

Please DO watch her drinking... been there with my own mom and it does NOT help matters at ALL! Mom's great loves were wine and bourbon. She only had one before dinner (but if you add ice and refresh the drink, it still only counts as one...). Bag in the box wine is a very incidious threat because you cannot keep an eye on the level of the container to see exactly how much one is consuming... More than one drink a day is too much for folks this age. THey cannot handle alcohol nor process it like they could when they were younger and the mental fog that comes along with it, they just plain don't need.

Because dementia doesn't just happen overnight, it's easy for them to begin showing symptoms that we are misinterpreting. The self-centered stuff is a mixture of living alone, years of depending on your for assistance and possibly dementia creeping in... Blowing up at her is not the best choice. You have to detach a little and try to look at things through her eyes... if the picture won't make sense, it's time to have her evaluated for dementia. A clear sign of a "slipping" mind is when a loved one cannot understand and take into account YOUR other responsibilities during conversations. Blowing up at her is valid ONLY if she is functioning at a normal level; if she is losing her grip on things (which it sounds like is happening), you are not dealing with someone who's playing with the same number of cards in their deck as you have - not a fair situation and would be similar to your blowing up at your husband because he doesn't understand things any more...

Do you have other siblings who could help out with your mom? If not, it sounds like this is the time to be looking into assisted living for her because you cannot continue to provide the assistance she needs to live independently any longer.

I understand your frustration, but your reaction (although quite understandable) was outta line. Time to cut back on the sherry and get some help in there for mom - you cannot do it all! Be sure her legal affairs are in order - DPOA signed, etc. because you may have to get her help that she would refuse otherwise. That's the burden of caing for folks whose brains are slowly melting into jello - they can SEEM so lucid and competant, but in reality, that's just a thin veneer. Being "aware" of another person's health problems does not mean that they understand ALL that goes into their daily care!

Her fretting about being "down" to her last gallon of sherry really concerns me... time to start watering the sherry or eliminating it altogether! She is drinking too much for her age! She can't afford the loss of brain cells that occurs with chronic overdrinking.

Mumbo, is she an alcoholic? Being selfcentered is often a part of that. You have said before that she has some good neighbors. I am sure the shopping will get done, even if she doesn't talk to you for weeks.

I have to say though, sweetie, that if you hide information from her, you can't expect her to act in a way that considers your situation. True, for you to say you aren't feeling well should be enough, but often they can tell when you are hiding something and react to that.

With your H's problems, you should let her rely more on the neighbor network. Consider telling her the truth about the TIAs, she's your Mom and may surprise you by being supportive. My Mom likes it when I let her still be my Mom instead of my patient. I do share good and bad news with her. Of course she will have to answer the phone first, or open the door and after being called an old bat, it may take a while.

Sometimes our instincts to protect them go too far, and we shoot ourselves in the foot...They hate and fear being left out.

Hugs to you Mumbo, I am so sorry you are having this added stress right now, and I hope your H continues to recover. How often do they check his blood levels?

I am concerned about your reaction to her. It really backfired, didn't it. Neither of you have what you want. Lose, lose situation.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bobcat,

Im sorry dear Im gonna play a little Devils Advocate here on this one Mumbo.
Im rubbed a lil raw when someone doesnt understand where a Mama is comin from and the fact that your gonna feel a whole lot different when the time comes you can no longer pick that phone up and hear her sweet voice any longer....something I miss like you wouldnt believe.
She is cranky you betcha but try putting yourself in her shoes Mumbo shes alone... your husband may be sick but you have him still, what does she really have? Someone who comes over and vacuums her rug and does a few chores she doesnt even have a person who tells her the truth and lets her feel somewhat useful and by that I mean omitting your husband had a TIA the other day how is she suppose to respond? For all she knows your just ignoring her and dont want to go over there, have you stopped and thought about that?
This woman doesnt feel good she is facing her golden years alone and not feeling up to snuff, her daughter is not thinking compassionately about her situation... your jumping down her throat because she attacked you out of hurt and calling her an ole bat simply because YOU failed to tell the truth here....omission is a lie no matter how you slice it Id be feelin a bit betrayed in her shoes and excuse me when was the last time you checked on her welfare how do you know there is not another reason why shes not picking up that phone?

Yes my dear, families are just "fun and supportive" NOT. I know how hard it is to be taking care of a mom and husband. They really do not get it at all. Friends, friends are what have come though for me in times like yours. Even just the understanding of friends here that understand can reduce some of the stress. Right now you have to do what is best for YOU. Like you said the dust bunnies (and they multiply quick) can help your mom. I like that saying.