Hi....new to this forum!

I have an issue that I'm not sure how to handle. Called my mother on Thursday. My 2nd cousin was at my mother's house. My mother said "Susie" was staying until the next Monday as she had work in the city (to save her a 3/4 hr commute to this job....why that becomes staying at my mother's I don't know). She has stayed at my mother's a few times before. I've seen this cousin maybe 3-4 times ever. I know nothing about her. I wouldn't know her if she passed me in the street. I live 500 miles away from my mother.

This past Sunday "Susie" calls all in a huff because there's a chain across the driveway into my mother's cottage (100 miles north of city). I was shocked....my mother never mentioned this. "Susie" never mentioned it on Friday during our 4 or 5 phone conversions when I was trying to help my mother find some paperwork.

Now to add to this....the cottage was closed when my husband left in mid Aug after 2 week vacation. Supports were put up for the roof, the table was moved, the Bar B Q was brought in from the deck, the water was drained, the septic pump was removed from the "pit" and taken to the boat house, frig was emptied.....Although my mother was there, she didn't remember the cottage was closed. So "Susie" was surprised the cottage was closed when they arrived. But she never mentioned going to the cottage so why would I have mentioned it.

As luck would have it, our next door neighbor came over to see who was at our cottage & somehow he ended up offering "Susie" & my mother the use of his cottage (he had NEVER met "Susie" before).

Susie's stay at the cottage has changed from leaving on Monday, to Thurs, to Sunday and now it's unknown. It was 34 deg there this morning (it was in the high 70's when they arrived). I've told her point blank that had she mentioned this "trip" I would have told her no, the cottage was closed, my mother is not very steady going downhill (the whole property slops to the lake), etc.

I called a few days ago & asked my mother if she was getting tired of being up at the cottage. She said no, but then again, what can she say with this cousin in the same small room?

The steps up to this cottage are long & they are huge, deep steps. There are very few cottages occupied at this time of the year. The closest neighbors are in their 80's. The nearest hospital is 40 minutes. The water would be frigid (my mother hasn't gone in the water in at least 7 years). She can't walk more than 1/8 mile without complaining her legs hurt.

I think this cousin will stay up there until the owners arrive or she gets her next assignment.

What would you do in this situation?

WhoMe welcome in

All I am going to say is I see a bunch of red flags waving right now....
2nd cousin all of a sudden? You dont know her from Adam????????? Taking YOUR cognitively impaired mother to a private cabin?
Your 500 miles away...
I dont need to go any further...Monster red flag waving

WhoMe, I think I would call the cousin and tell ehr that it was gracious of the neighbor to let her use the cabin, but that to stay longer is an imposition. Remind her that cabins are not available during the cooler months of the year and that to un-winterize for a guest IS an imposition.

Since your mother is with the cousin, I would make the drive and check things out for myself. Elderly people's cognitive abilities can change at the drop of a hat, so you may need to see your mom to evaluate her cognitive abilities. People do have ministrokes, etc. that may not be apparent, but cause a LOT of changes in a person's memory, ability to conduct ADLs (activities of daily living) the way they have always done, etc. That your mother did not remember that the cabin had been closed up, etc. is significant. So too is her accepting the neighbor's kind offer and allowing herself to be shanghied for more time than she had planned. Something is wrong... your cousin is smelling like a user...

WhoMe, welcome to ECO. You say you don't know this cousin, but you do know she IS a cousin and has stayed with your Mother in the past. Is it possible that she is/was unaware that you Mother is having memory problems. There are many causes of dementia, and in early stages it may not be apparent that your mother is having problems to someone who doesn't see her regularly. Is there a diagnosis about the cause of her dementia, and is she under treatment?

I really have no idea why this cousin is staying with your mother or who (cousin or Mom) suggested going to the lake. Under the circumstances it is easy to imagine that your mother suggested the trip and that she was truly surprised to find the cottage closed. I can also imagine her turning to your cousin and saying that you must have done it without telling her. That is often how these misunderstandings take place.

There is no way of knowing what cuz's side of the story is from what you are telling us. If the cuz hasn't been told of the problem, there is no reason why she would think she needs to talk to you before going to the lake and, whether or not your Mom would call you to tell you she was leaving would be up to your mother. Perhaps your mother is asking her to stay on. Perhaps she is taking advantage of your Mom. Do you have reason to think that's the case?

From 500 miles away, you are going to have a lot of difficulty monitering your mother's care and activities for the very reason you say. Do you have POA ans DPOA for her (in our state I have found out that there is a general power of attorny that covers both in one document). The neighbor probably should be informed, but I am not clear about what the 'situation' really is. What are you going to tell him? Thanks for letting them stay at his place, But, Mom has dementia and this cousin is a stranger so go back, boot them out, and count the silver???

You may have to make the trip to put your mind at ease. If so, make it count. People with dementia eventually (usually sooner than you think depending on the cause and effectiveness of appropriate treatment) need help. They forget their meds, forget to eat, leave the stove or oven on, can't drive safely, can't give a taxi driver the right address, let in strangers, don't pay their bills, get lost. This cousin may be the least of your/Mother's troubles. In fact it might just be the tip of the iceburg and a good thing to start your gears turning about the long haul. Get to know this cousin. She could turn into your saving grace if she will stay with your Mom indefinetly.

My mother is 88. She is in the early stages of dementia. This cousin was going to stay at my mother's cottage but it was closed up for the season (no running water, would have to use an outhouse, no water down sink, etc). My mother had forgotten this.

The next door neighbor (at the cottage) was on his way back to the city & offered my cousin & my mother his cottage. He had never met my cousin before. Not many people would have made that offer. A few days stay has turned into a week so far.

I live 500 miles away from my mother. I can't just get in a car & drive there at the spur of the moment. She took my mother to the cottage without letting me know even though she had my phone # & had talked to me 2 days before they left for the cottage. She has changed the number of days she's staying several times, there is no return date planned, etc.

I have found a phone # to reach the owner of the cottage they are staying in & will try to reach him to let him know the situation. I don't like to do this but I don't know what else to do.

Welcome, WhoMe. I am a little confused... Your cousin has taken your mother to stay at a neighbor's vacation cottage or your mother's vacation cottage? Where does your mother usually live? If the cousin has no place to stay, why does your mother have to be involved? Do you have reason to suspect that the cousin is using or manipulating your mother in some way?