I'm new to this. I'm taking care of my mom, she is 85 years old, has a number of health problems with numerious trips to doctors. Mom has been living with us for eight years, and does not like to visit any of her other children, she wants everyone to come and see her, so my husband and I never have any alone time. I did get her to go and spend one weekend with my younger sister, mom told me the other day that she loved me and she loves my sister but she is not not going back. The doctor told her that she needed to be willing to go away for a few days to give us a rest but she is not willing. HELP!!!

Home body, sounds like she is safe and secure in her surroundings and fears change.This is not unusual.My aunt who lived with me and became bedridden with numerous physical problems exhibeted the same behavior.She trusted me because she knew I was one she could always count on.
At first she refused to have an aide come to bath her.I allowed this behavior to continue until I saw it was allowing her to be unreasonable .I sat down with her and explained I needed to have help as to be able to continue the tasks of careing for her, my mother and husband.
My suggestion is to talk with her , reasureher her that her spending time with others does not mean she will not be coming home.
Tell her why you need some time to your self and you need her to help you do what needs to be done to have everyone be happy.Remind her you are not going to abandon her.
As they become elders they acquire fears.Help her to over come these fears but make boundries.
Once my aunt got use to having aides bath her she grew to look forward to them.We had day volunteers which she loved.
The only thing she did not accept was my going out in the evening.She was so afraid something would happen to me.She would know how long I would be and when I was a minute late she would become so upset.
I understood that fear because she had no one but me.She never had anyone to lean on but herself and that had been taken from her.
I was her life line.
If we try to undertsand where they are coming from we can deal with the proble with a cool head but be assertive.
No one wants to become angry at a loved one.Make your case and follow through.
If resentment comes to play , no one wins.

avetaysmom - I replied to you on the "new caregiver's" board.

HI all, I am new here and want advise on what to do, get ready this may be very lengthy!! My father died of a massive heart attack in July of this year(2008) at the time he was my mom's only caregiver. My mom does not have cancer, alzheimer's, but she does have peripheral neuropathy and is diabetic. She has been dealing with two ulcers on her feet trying to get them to heal they have literally the lasted three years, she has had some progress but recently the one ulcer that was healing became infected again, and now come to find out today she has MRSA(type of staph infection)The last almost four months have been very tough. The only care she recieves now is from visiting nurses, and they come in only to change her bandages, the rest is me.

I am only 38, and I have two small children at home, I work full-time(about 45-50hrs a week) and also am finishing getting my degree so I go to school two nights a week.

Talking to the doctor today, they would like to see her go into the hospital but she does not want to go, they put a picc line in her today, but told her if it does not look like it is working then she will have to be put into the hospital.(which I think she needs)

I am so stressed out so much it is affecting my family, my work, my health so much and now when I go to see my mom, it's more like "what will I have to do when I get thier", not "gosh can't wait to see mom!!" I don't want to resent her, but her refusing to go to the hospital has put alot on me. The doctors are telling her and me she needs to completely stay off her feet, but how is that possible at home by herself? I work all day, go get my kids and spend the evening over at my mom's taking care of her needs then going home and trying to take care of my own house. It is getting to be to much. Tell me my best avenue, I want be their for my mom, but it is getting harder to deal with everyday.

Hi Homebody, Welcome to ECO. Bunnys_grl (BG) asked some important questions and I would like to add to that. It is likely that if there is some dementia, visual, or audial problems,, she is only comfortable in her familiar environment and routine. This is hard. Her familiar environment is YOUR home.

It seems like you have siblings who are willing, but it is your Mom who needs her comfort zone. Any chance you can swap homes with Sis for a weekend and leave Mom where she is??? Or have Sis come to your house and you and H take off?

My Mom won't complain about her vision, but I know it was bad several years ago when they said there was nothing more they could do. I think she counts her steps to the chair, in and out of the bathroom, to the bed. Any other layout and she would be helpless, but she wouldn't ever say what she needs.

That is just one factor. Try to have your Sis stay with her at your/her home for an overnight just to see. She may not care as much about WHO is with her as she does about the routine and the floor plan.

Welcome in Homebody glad to have you
Are one of the health issues Dementia?
If not then a little honesty is in order here for all concerned.
Nothing ever gets settled if you dance around the most important topics.
Now that doesnt mean you have to be mean just pose the matter in such a way to make her think about how unreasonable her behavior is and that its detrimental to YOUR marriage
If she likes stayin put then ask your siblings if they could possibly come to your home for the weekend while you spend some quality time with hunny.
Can she be left alone? Or are her health issues such that it is not possible?
Tell us a little bit more.
We all understand how frustrating this journey is, kudos to you for stepping up in her time of need.