Hello all . . .

I write again in amazement of siblings born of the same parents and their extreme differences.

As you may remember, my 87-year old father is in a nursing home with a traumatic brain injury. Yesterday, he vomited and aspirated the emesis. He is now in the hospital with aspiration pneumonia and congestive heart failure. I don't know how long he'll be there or if he'll ever come out of there alive. I went by the nursing home today and picked up his things. He will not go back there ~~ in the section that he was in anyway. His care was stagnant, we couldn't get any answers and never once saw or spoke with the doctor. She wouldn't return our phone calls either. He has a feeding tube. He was in the "Rehab" section but receiving no therapies. I believe they were bilking Medicare for their 100 paid days. The floor staff was tremendous to Dad. I think he was a hostage of the administration.

The one sibling who doesn't want to have feedings stopped and call Hospice in holds fast. I don't see how he is okay with putting Dad through these "traumas" over and over and each time Dad starts out a little lower. Is this why we're keeping him alive? I am working closely with a Hospice counselor. She's been wonderful to advise and support me.

At this point, I don't know what we'll be doing in the coming days. I'm taking them one at a time. Dad may go back to the same facility, but in a new section and definitely with a different doctor. I'm tired and I know he's tired-er. Is that a word? I went to the cemetery today and asked my mother to call him "home". We'll see if she listened.

Enough of my ramblings. Anyone else ever been in a situation even close to mine??? Would love some input and ideas.

Debra

Deb, Hugs and prayers are for you right now. I'm so sorry about your loss

Debra, I too am sending my hugs and prayers to you and your loved ones at this difficult time.

Debra, my deepest sympathy.He has been taken home to be at rest.Bless all of those who are lweft to morn his passing

Wishing you peace in your heart at this sad time, Debra.

What a heroic legacy. I salute him, and I pray that he may now rest with all of our brave veterans. We all owe them so much.

We are always here for you Debra
Please let us know how you are doing

Debra, sending hugs your way. You have seen the bottom of the page here, you are welcom to post about your Dad there also. Look for some of us to say our good bys there. Courage must run in the family.

Thank you all for being here for me and for your kind words of support and prayers.

My father passed away quietly and peacefully in his sleep this morning at about 10:30. Ironically, it was the holdout brother who was the only one with him. (Tell me that God doesn't work in mysterious ways.) I didn't have to, but I went over to the Hospice facility to say my goodbyes. He looked so peaceful and I know he's in a better place.

I don't know if I told any of you or posted it, but he was a World War II Army veteran who went up Omaha Beach on D-Day. His funeral is Friday morning . . . very fitting to kick off Memorial Day weekend, I thought. He will have avmilitary service at graveside with the folding of the flag and Taps. Memorial Day will have a whole new meaning to me now.

Thanks again, everyone. I won't forget you. I'll check back in from time to time.

Fondly,
Debra

Debra, I am sorry I haven't responded in this thread before. You have shown a wonderful love for your Father, patience with your Brother, and overwhelming courage. Your father must be a truely wonderful man to have inspired this in his daughter.

We had in home hospice for my Dad. I don't think there is a facility like that around here. That would be a real blessing. There are candles burning for your Dad, you, and your family here. What you have shared with us is a gift to us all. Thank you, Bobcat.

Deb, You are in my prayers. Remember to take care of yourself too now.

Praying for peace and lighting a candle for y'all...

My friends . . .

It is Sunday, May 18th, and believe it or not, my dad is still with us. He's basically comatose and I look for him to go either tonight or tomorrow. I have held his hand every day since this began. We came home a few minutes ago to mow our yard, move the laundry along and go back to Hospice. We left my sister sitting with him. It's been comfortable and peaceful for him. My only hope is that there is someone strong enough to make this kind of decision for me someday.

The human body's will to live is an amazing thing. We thought Dad would go quite quickly since his poor, old body was compromised so badly to begin with, but God had other plans. It has been an amazing process to watch, and I think it has made us all a little closer. The holdout brother is still a little in denial, but it is more real to him every day, I think.

I am grateful there are facilities like the one Dad's in with caring, tender staff who comfort not only the patient, but the family as well. Not one time when an RN has been in the room and about to leave did they not ask US if there was anything they could get us. Amazing. (The facility Dad's in is the only freestanding Hospice Center in the Midwest. A second presently under construction on the south side of Indianapolis.)

Keep praying for his peaceful passing, my friends. God is with us in everything. We feel him.

God Bless,
Debra

Debra---Read your posts to this thread. Don't have anything meaningful to add...but...Want to let you how much this thread has moved me. I hope that all continues to go well.

So sorry, Debra! I was hoping... I think you have done a good thing for your dad. I imagine that those mashed potatoes may taste like ambrosia to him after being NPO for so long! And feedign himself? That has to feel good to him!

MANY blessings to you for taking such good care of him for ALL of you! Please keep us updated as you have time...

Hello all . . .

I had my dad moved to a hospice facility today. It was time. The doctor me last night that there wasn't a shred of hope and he'd never have any quality of life. He would continue to aspirate (even what he was getting in the tube feeding) and would make trip after trip back to the hospital from whatever facility he was in. I decided it was time.

The holdout sibling is on vacation right now. He knows. We told him by telephone this afternoon. He seemed okay and he has the drive home from Texas to get used to it. And it isn't about him anyway. It's about Dad.

The facility is beautiful. Much better than the linoleum-floored, echo-ing room of the nursing home where he was. THIS is what he deserved all along. We got there tonight and he was sitting in the bed eating mashed potatoes . . . feeding himself! His fine motor skills are poor, but he was getting those potatoes to his mouth. He will be allowed to have comfort foods orally. The feeding pump is gone. He has been NPO since February.

I feel like I have exhaled for the first time in four months.

Pray for his peace and a safe journey.

quote:

I am praying he'll listen to his woman.

Well, I guess Mom got overruled. Father knows best!!

WONDERFUL news!! I hope that the extra time your Dad has been given will be a treasure to you all!

Well, first of all, let me say thank you for your kind words and prayers. It has been an amazing and enlightening couple of days. I will try to relate them to you briefly and not bore you with the details of which there are many.

My dad is remarkably better. Certainly not well by any means, but better than he's been since he went into the hospital on January 25th! He is being treated for aspiration pneumonia. Antibiotics are working well. His chest is terribly full, but he's breathing room air and his sats are in the high 90s. The doctor told me that she didn't know how they could be given how his lungs sound and look on xray, but they are. His kidney output is still a concern. She told me that he was severely dehydrated when he was admitted and he didn't get that way just from vomiting that morning. He wasn't getting enough hydration in the nursing home. Since he can take nothing orally, the only fluids he got were in the "pushes" he got when they infused medicines into his feeding tube, and the fluid in his liquid nutrition (Glucerna). Even with all the IV fluids he's getting now, his output is still low. She says he has congestive heart failure, but he doesn't exhibit it. That one confused her. We'll forge on and face that when the symptoms emerge more. He's also anemic. They were going to give him two units of blood today and see how that affects him. Hell, it won't hurt.

My husband and I were there today at 1:00ish. He was awake, alert and very much aware. He was tired, but he joked a little. He's quite the jokester normally. He is very slow to respond to questions, but he does if you're patient. His speech is slurred and he has trouble finding words, but he keeps trying. The neurologist has asked for PT and OT to be resumed at a level he can tolerate for his present condition. And they are going to do a swallow test to see if oral nutrition can be also be resumed. Pretty amazing, huh?

SO . . . the doctor caring for him at the hospital says not to ever let him go back to that facility. She recommended one that she believes is stellar. It's a little greater distance from home, but if it will help him, then I'll drive it. We are not considering removing the feeding tube at this point. We will see how/if his general health improves and go from there.

I am amazed at what is happening. I know he's 87 and I'm reality based, but I just can't believe where we were Tuesday, and where we are today, a mere two days later. I think he needed to be in the hospital a long time ago. He was held hostage in that facility where they "parked" him and were cashing the Medicare checks.

Keep praying, my friends. Today is Day #99 and we're going up the hill on the roller coaster again. Let's hope this time the car stays on the track!!!

My experience was similar.

I listened to my sibs the first time trauma hit, after my dad's stroke. I knew deep inside it would be better to let him go at that point, but my brothers didn't want to let him go.
So dad survived only to suffer and die in horrible pain a while afterward. Of course they weren't there to see that happen, only me. I am so sorry I didn't trust my own instincts as DPOA and let him peacefully pass on earlier.

Well, bottom line is noone can tell you what to do or how to handle this. I can only sympathize.

Wishing you peace, wisdom and courage!

Whether we intervene or not, the end is inevitable. Be kind to yourself!



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Ahhh, Debra.... first, let me offer you a {{{BIG HUG}}} What a heartwrenching messed up situation.

Despite the urge to choke your hold-out sib, I hope that you can realize that they are simply having a very hard time letting go... Perhaps a hug and some understanding of the conflict going on within them might help them to let their feelings come tumbling out... perhaps not. Some folks wrap the cape of denial so tightly around them nothing could get through... Be kind to one another... all of you are suffering more than your dad at this point.

quote:

I went to the cemetery today and asked my mother to call him "home". We'll see if she listened.

Bless your complete heart!! I am praying he'll listen to his woman. I hope she'll whisper a few words into the heart of your hold-out sib as well to let them know it'll be okay...

I'm so sorry... this is a very tough time right now and you are wisely not looking any further ahead than a few hours at a time. I'll keep you and yours in my thoughts and prayers...
Lighting a candle for you... Hopefully, it will help light the way for your dad, too.

quote:

I write again in amazement of siblings born of the same parents and their extreme differences.

Man I dont know how MANY times Ive heard those words come outta my mouth

Sweetheart you are gonna have to face the cold hard truth each one of you have a different opinion and view of this situation...I know when I made the decision for my own mom it took but a second after speaking with her doctor I may have waited for 2 brothers to show up but I knew what had to be done and I stood firm.
I didnt want to hear anyone elses take on it or whining at me for the decision I made with my moms best interests at heart.
You are your Dads representative thats all that matters.
Speak to his doctor and ask that he not mince words, you want the truth.
Is he going to come out of this?
Will he be the same person as he was before?
Or are we just delaying the inevitable?
Those are hard questions I know....What would your dad want?
Unfortunately in this situation theres always going to be someone in the mix that is not going to agree with you and your decisions.
My thought is this...Your dad chose you for a reason, he must have seen the strength within you sweetheart reach within yourself past all the fear and anger and pull it out.
You are doing nothing wrong except following the wishes of your father a man you have loved all your life he knows you wouldnt hurt him or make him suffer.
Try this one liner on your bro....
Let go and let God.