I am new to this forum. I am posting for my brother, who has recently taken over caregiving for our mother, who is 83.

Mom & Dad were married for over 60 years. He died this past summer. Now Mom lives alone in her house way out in the country. She no longer drives and has become reclusive since Dad died.

My brother "Pete", who is 58, agreed to convert Dad's old office behind the garage (behind Mom's house) into living quarters and move in to be close to Mom and take care of her.

After Dad died, Mom complained of back pain and her once straight back became very hunched over suddenly. It took months to get her to see her doctor, who confirmed last week that the back problem is osteoporosis.

Now Pete finds himself confused and frightened that he us unable to care for Mom. She is stubborn and refuses extra help, yet she has quite a bit of money that Dad left her. She won't touch a dime of that money. Yet Pete is becoming very depressed. He is unhappy in his living arrangement, has no running water there, and feels he has no life of his own.

And he also feels unable to help Mom (other than "gopher" duties and an occasional chauffeur to her doctor). Mom refuses to leave the house otherwise.

In the meantime, Pete has become employed only part time, has no medical insurance and has NOT seen a doctor in years.

I live 100 miles away, and work full-time, and I have little resources to be able to offer much help.

I do not know what services Mom should have or even to begin to advise Pete what to do next. Any ideas would be so appreciated. Please help.

Good work Linda, Your Bro is lucky to have a sister that cares. It is really cold up there to have to go to the house for any water consuming activities. Mention to Mom that the constant opening and closing of the door wastes a lot of heat unnecessarily. If she is as frugal as you say, this should make sense to her. If you 2 grew up in that house it should be a bit easier to get him in, but if it is a place they moved after the nest was emptied, she will have trouble seeing someone in the space Dad was in. That will be the key.


Talking about the past all the time may possibly indicate dementia, but only if she is confusing it with the present, if she doesn't know 'when' she is. It is a very likely sign of depression, however, and that can rapidly deteriorate. This time of year, it can be multiplied by SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder or lack of adequate light).

Depression is a very wide spread problem amoung the recently widowed and dealing with it is not easy. Sometimes the stimulation of exercise and companionship, outings, church, better diet, being needed somehow, etc., do the trick. Sometimes it takes medication. Whatever IS going on and whatever it takes, it is best accomplished by working with a good doc.

How often does the house keeper come? BG has a point about enlisting her aid as a CG to give Bro breaks at least. One of Mom's favorites and best started as 1/2 a day every other week to clean the house. She had burned out as a CG for agencies and NHs but she bonded with Mom one on one in the home. I am the favorite, but she is the better CG and Mom is always glad to see her.

In this state (it does vary), POA is revokable and only used for business when the person is not going to be bothered with those things and assigns someone to do it on their behalf.

Durable Power of Attorney should be arranged in advance and comes into play for all matters only when the person is not medically or mentally capable of making decisions and at that point is not revokable unless abuse of the duty is alledged by another interested party.

It is in everyone's best interest (including you and me and I haven't done it yet either)to assign these duties while they have a say so instead of leaving it up to the court later. So if no one yet has POA and DPOA for her, it can be approached from that angle. You and your brother can include her in a discussion of what arrangements you are considering for yourselves and then ask her for her input. Just keep it simple and short. Let it grow on her since her control of her money represents her control of her life. Express concern about a friend who couldn't get bills paid while in the hospital for a while and her electric was cut off and all her pipes burst and she can't live there until all the repairs are done,,, how you don't want that to happen to you and you are going to pick someone to have the authority to pay your bills for you. Who does she recommend for you and has she considered someone for her?

Yeah we get a little sneaky to protect our loved ones and pool lots of ideas.

I hope we will meet Pete soon.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bobcat,

I sent Pete the link to this forum last night. So by now, he's had a chance to read this thread. I encouraged him to post here. At the least, I'm sure he'll ask me questions for me to put to this forum.

Thank you all.

Ahhh well now that this is a little more clear I think it would be a good idea to speak to your brother in length about all that is happening and make a doctors appointment for mom to have her evaluated.
A DPOA and POA for yourself or your brother should be the very first thing to do and that will require one or both of you to speak to your mom unless you already have them.
If thats the case the Doctors appt would be the next step in getting her an evaluation for possible Dementia.
Linda does she like her housekeeper? Do you and your bro like her?
If its possible could she become her CG?
Its not such a stretch to go from everyday housekeeper to a CG if y'all are having a hard time convincing mom she needs more help.
If mom requires more help than this HK can give how about enlisting her help in this.
Finagle time here
Hire a CG then ask the HK to take a day off but the HK tells mom she has a replacement gal that will come in for her that day so that your mom could get used to a new face in there.

Awkward. Very awkward indeed. Well, at a certain point, if a person is making decisions that are contrary to their safety and best interests, family members or a family member can get Power of Attorney. Since it sounds like your mom would fight that tooth-and-nail, I'd see what other folks here have to say about it. I know it isn't easy if the person in question is resisting.

I feel grumpy she is not more gracious to your brother. I think he's being very kind. Normally, I'd suggest an ultimatum: "OK, if I can't move in and be comfortable, I'm going to find somewhere I am happy. Good luck taking care of yourself." But it sounds like instead of seeing sense, she'd agree to that so it wouldn't work.

Sigh... I know parents have a lot of trouble finding themselves being cared for by their children. I know it's startling. But I do wish they didn't deliberately make a bad situation worse by being so unreasonable. It's definitely not uncommon.

My apologies for not explaining things well enouh. Thank you so much for your awesome responses!

I don't know if Mom asked Pete to move in or he asked her. Pete did not give up a job, but his job has been cutting back on his hours due to the economy. Not seeing a doctor up to now is his pattern. However, now it appears that he really needs to see one. And he has no money.

Mom currently prepares her own light meals. As far as housework, she has a cleaning person. As for now, she can dress and tend tor her own toiletries. But her health and ability to care for herself has been deteriorating rapidly only recently. This is what scares my brother.

My mom talks now of mostly things that happened 50 years ago. Much the same things over and over. I am concerned about dementia.

Pete sees her health deteriorating fast, her mind stuck in the 1940s and her ability to care for herself diminishing. He is afraid that he cannot provide the kind of caretaking she may need if she becomes unable to walk, feed or clean herself. He also fears she could fall since he can't be there 24-7. These fears are understandable, since he has had no such care experience and in light of how quickly she is deteriorating.

Assisted living is out of the question. She will not consider it. She has preconceived ideas and she refuses to change her mind about anything. Mom has always hated change or refused to try anything new, and now she's even more stubborn.

She will not pay money for anything extra. She will not allow Pete to make any decisions concerning her health or the household issues. So he finds himself stuck behind the garage, feeling like a gopher.

I don't think Mom will allow him to move into the house. I plan to talk to both of them about it, but I am willing to bet she will not allow it.

I can't make the 100 mile round trip right now, since my car is old and unreliable at the time being.

We are both open to any and all avenues of assistance and suggestions. We are in the USA... in New England. Pete has a computer and I will let him know about this thread.

Hi Linda, welcome to ECO. Please accept my condolences for the loss of your father. It sounds like your brother is in a rough situation. Does Pete have computor? It would make it easier to get information to him, but that is secondary.

You say Pete agreed to do this. Did he agree because you asked him, Mom asked him, or it just came up out of the blue? I am wondering if he gave up a job that had insurance to help her. If he hasn't seen a doctor himself in years, but he just started living there last summer, it sounds like a long time pattern and not the result of his current situation.

Sorry, I am not trying to be nosy, just getting a better idea of what you are dealing with.

Your mother needs to be driven when she goes anywhere and she needs someone to do errands and check on her. What else does she need? Meal preperation, household chores (cleaning, laundry, dish washing), dressing, toileting? If he can leave to work part time, she doesn't need 24/7, right?

quote:

Now Pete finds himself confused and frightened that he us unable to care for Mom

I am confused, he is unable to provide her the care she requires or she won't let him care for her as he thinks needs to be done?

quote:

He is unhappy in his living arrangement, has no running water there, and feels he has no life of his own.

What do you and Pete think should be done? That they should run plumbing out there or he should move into the house?

What help does Pete say he needs? How far out in the country are they? Can he leave her for the weekend, or can you relieve him for a weekend?

I'm sorry, I blasted a lot of questions at you all at once and this will take some time to sort out. It is hard when you are so far away to try to help.

The Savvy Senior is a good resource site. Click State and Local Resources and then click your state. It will give you some idea of what programs and services might be available in her area. Usually there is an area agency on aging for the locality. Look it over. you might find some ideas. I think though that it is only for the USA. We'll have to go to plan B if that does not apply.

http://www.savvysenior.org/seniorresources.htm

Please ask your questions. We will try to help you get these ducks in a row.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bobcat,

Linda welcome in glad you found us
Op gave some really good pointers but I get the feeling you havent spoken to your brother yet is this correct? You "dont know how to begin to advise him" well heres a simple solution send him our way
We'd be more than happy to get him started in the right direction
I know its probably a hardship but have you gone there to spend a weekend with them to see what exactly is going on and how best to help this situation?
Your bro would probably love the visit and the extra hands even if its only for a day or 2 and maybe he will open up to you a little more about where he see's this heading to for not only your mom but him as well, then you could start up the puter and say hey bro this is the site I was tellin you about come take a look theres some really good pointers in here
This is a tough job to handle on a good day and Im of the same mind as Op he should make himself more comfortable in the home rather than out back alone in a garage office.
Think about it sweetie 9 times out of 10 its a woman that does this job, IMHO when a man steps up honey I bow deep and long theres not many out there that would give up their freedom to do this so remember to call him often to tell him what a great job he is doing and tell him from us here we think hes a pretty awesome guy for his loving care
Good Luck

Hi Linda,

Your brother is admirable for taking all that on. It's really important for the caregiver to take care of himself, too, and I've seen lots of people here struggle with that. (Including me.)

If there is the money to pay for it, there are services that offer elder-sitting, so your brother could get a break.

If your doctor recommends it, Medicare might pay for therapists to visit the home to teach your Mom how to cope with movement now that things have changed.

And there might be a Elder Peer Support program in your area. They're a volunteer service that just comes by to socialize. The doctor's office should know about them, if they exist.

Personally, I think your brother should make himself more at home. When we lived with my Mom, my husband and I and everything we needed day-to-day were crammed in a tiny room while the whole rest of the house was underused because we didn't want to disturb Mom by changing things. That was a mistake, and being so uncomfortable contributed to a lot of tension.

You could also look into assisted care residences in your area. Your mom will have to pay for that, if that's the way things go, so a lot depends on finances. But we're really pleased with my mom's new home and so is she, though she resisted mightily at first. You can always call them and have them send their brochures and information packets, so all concerned can look them over and get a feel for what might be available.

Best of luck to you and your family. There is help out there but sometimes it does take a hunt to find it! :-)