i have been wracking my brain trying to decide on the future of daisy. if i get my health problems it could take 6 weeks to recover and i would like to be able to offer daisy a home here as long as i possibly can. she is familiar with our house and has a pattern she is familiar with. she could easily pass away next month or last a few years. i would hate to place her in a nh if i am only temporarily waylaid. i can't afford to hire in home respite. have been doing leg work to try and find an alternative for her. so far it isn't looking that great. the waiting lists are 3-6 months and that would be in a shared room. the cost is three times what i get and temporary respite is really hit and miss. only if they happen to have an empty bed at the time. since my last time i was considering this other problems have come up. before it was for back surgery. i have had a second opinion on this. one says surgery now, the other says spinal injections and get the surgery when these no longer help. pcp says get it now. since then i have had other health issues which no one seems to know what to do about. i have had my espohagus stretched several times now and they can't seem to get it to open and stay open so i am reaching a dangerous place in weight loss. i also have a bleedng ulcer. so i want to get fixed up and ithink i would be good as new. so far no one has agreed on a course of treatment. in the mean time i hate to determine daisy's fate on something that may take place in a few weeks or a few months. i am putting her on waitng lists and collecting info to present to son who is poa. when he sees the difference in costs maybe he will be willing to pay for someone to come into our home to help out. i am so frustrated. to me that would be a good compromise since i would be on hand to supervise her care and let a respite worker know what works best with her. also i would eventually be able to take back over her care.in the meantime i am fully functioning and able to do what needs to be done for both her and family. at this point the most urgent is the ulcer and the eating. daisy is not patient. she is the mom of a friend i had agreed to help out and it turned into a payed situation.just thinking out loud here. thanks for listening. as far as family goes, there is no one who can or will take her in.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: fat, dumb and happy,

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there is no one who can or will take her in

HUH?!?

Hap, if you can't or don't or won't, SOMEONE WILL! And, if her sons don't step up, there are provisions for such situations within the law.

MB is right. This is not your call. Your responsibility is to be honest with yourself, with Daisy's sons, and then get on with the business of your own life and self-care.

Sorry if that sounds cruel and uncaring. I know you care for Daisy--but even the fact that you love her doesn't have any bearing in this equation. You can still love her regardless of what decisions her sons take, and regardless of where she lives and who is caring for her needs.

Y'all need to sit down and have a "pow-wow" and get all this ironed out ASAP!

...and I know that this is none of my business, but I also wonder about whether your husband might not like some say in all of this. I can't imagine my hubby sitting idly by, if I were in your shoes. He'd be concerned first for my own well-being, and secondly that I'd be around to continue sharing my life with him and our children.

Anyway...that's the way I see it. I sincerely hope that you are not too offended by my candor.

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i have been wracking my brain trying to decide on the future of daisy

I have a big problem right from the get-go of your post. It is NOT up to you to decide on Daisy's future - it is up to her sons!

It is not up to you to scramble to cover her care, that is the responsibility of her sons.

It is not up to you to weigh issues of respite care, nursing homes, etc. THAT IS ALL THE RESPONSIBILITY of HER SONS!!

They will continue allowing you to assume their responsibilities as long as YOU allow it. You are enabling them to shirk their responsibilities for their mother's care.

I KNOW you care about Daisy, but the bottom line is that she is NOT your family member - you were hired as her caregiver! When her care interferes with YOUR care, it's time to put the onus on whom it belongs. Continuing to assume these responsibilities is unhealthy for all concerned!

Who knows - if her sons were forced to tear their attention away from their patients, etc., and focus on their mother, perhaps an epiphany would occur with one or both of them! THeir behavior will not change so long as it is not forced to do so.

PLEASE pick up the telephone and tell them that they need to make other arrangements for their mother's care! You have plenty enough on your plate with which to deal and focus.

daisy has no one who is able or willing to step in.i think i just heard from god though. my sis just called and told me that her and my other sis were just talking about me and they agreed between themselves that they would take turns staying here and helping out. they both live 1 1/2 hours away. i didn't ask or even mention it. they just said that is what they are going to do. needless to say i was surprised! bless them both. now i just need to get the surgeons to all agree on the when and what. wow! i guess this is a reminder that just when we think we have hit a wall, a door appears! we just keep on keeping on, let go and let god. i am so relaxed now. i will continue to get daisy on waiting lists just to be covered.

Hi FDH - You are in a difficult situation but taking care of yourself has to come first or you won't be much help to Daisy later. Perhaps Daisy has other relatives who can help you with her care.