I should like to broach a subject which has received only a few glancing mentions in the past few years, here, at ECO. Perhaps this is not the place to do so, yet I feel compelled. If, in doing so, I am making an error in etiquette or sensibility, I trust that our dedicated mods will mop up my mess and absolve me of my sins. They are the best, aren't they!?

The subject is alcohol.

As most of you know, my mother recently passed away. This has afforded me a little time to re-assess where I am, how I've come to be here, and where I am heading. It has been well over ten years that I have been care-giving in one role or another. During such a period one can develop incredible strength and character, superior coping skills, wisdom—-and the wrinkles to match On the other hand, one can at the same time fall into patterns of living (subsisting, surviving, existing?) that are disabling and diminishing; patterns that steal from us the possibility of joy in the present, our health, our human-ness, our futures.

In order to do justice to all the things I would like to relate about how, in my experience, alcohol and caregiving are a dangerous partnership, I would have to write a book; perhaps a memoir-—which is not my intention. So, I would just like to open this as a possible discussion.

Before I close this post, I would like to mention that in the days after my mother passed away I gave up drinking. I feel really good. It's not like I ever suffered from hangovers and all of the horrors of “the day-after” (If I had suffered, maybe I'd have felt compelled to quit sooner!) But there were other problems. The worst one, perhaps, was a sense of drifting. There was a sense of being completely ineffectual in my own life and a sense of my health being eaten insidiously away.

But, today, I feel good. And yesterday I felt good. I feel like I've waken up from a long illness, like a coma. In fact, by today, I am feeling so well (don't get me wrong-—I am not talking about euphoria, here) that I had to *Ask Jeeves* “What happens when you quit drinking alcohol?” to discover whether my experience is similar to that of others. In the process, I found this website that was really interesting: http://self-renewal.com/alcohol%20addiction.htm It is not like anything else I've ever read about “drinking problems” or alcoholism. It discusses very helpful things, like metabolism, and it helps one to make sense of the process involved in both initiating and breaking a habitual drinking pattern.

Dochka, you have made a good point.We give or gave all we could to our loved ones, made sure they ate well etc.
But I do not think it is as easy as neglecting ourselves.I think it is something deeper.
Good topic

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Who of us would allow our children or the loved-ones we care for to treat themselves in neglectful or abusive manners? We have to be the grown-up in our own lives, too. Probably some psychologist somewhere said we need to learn to parent ourselves—-and I think that is probably right. We need to love and care for ourselves, and even kick ourselves in the bums when it is necessary. We are worth it and we deserve to be and feel the very best we can.

Well said !!!!!
Thank you mariabee. I have the smoking and coffee addiction to deal with myself so I completely understand bad habits. I fell into the drinking pit after dad died and managed to climbed out of it thank God.

Re: proper eating habits. Why is it easy to feed mom and H breakfast, lunch and dinner but I have no appetite and then when I am hungry I grab for the junk?!?

This message has been edited. Last edited by: DOCHKA,

Thanks everyone, I feel like this could be aimed for me. I read the site and like it says, if you ever think you might have a problem, most likely you do. Sometimes I want to drift very badly. Why not Calgon? There is some advice there I will read in depth.

I went 18 months without seeing my PCP. I am always reluctant to make appointments for me. Afraid I'll have to cancel, (yeah, what's the problem?) Afraid he'll give me news that will affect how I care for Mom. Why hear it in the first place if I'm going to ignore it? I am up to date at the moment with everything.

I often skip meals, appetite just doesn't turn on until after 9 PM!! I don't "enjoy" the things I used to, (not true, I just seldom make time for them, when I do, I still enjoy them).

I did quit smoking 6 months ago. How strange is that in the whole picture? I regularly read at the site "Why Quit" for almost a year, then put them down and it wasn't hard. (Took a year to get up the nerve to go cold turkey, but nothing else had worked for me.)

http://whyquit.com/ it is a little over whelming but after a year, I took the plunge. If I could do that, why is it so hard to eat MY breakfast?

Thanks mariabee, this sort of encouragement and honesty goes along way.

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If you have a habit that's sneaked up on you, think about dumping it if it's bothering you - you might be in for a nice surprise.

I guess that is what I was trying to get at, MB.

Thank-you all for the kind sentiments of support and well-wishes! But I really wasn't trying to get a “true confessions” thread started, or trying to make any “converts.” I really thought it would be important to share that some changes, like the one I've made, can make your life so much more livable. Healthy changes can make us more available to ourselves, to our families, friends and the loved ones we care for—-physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I can't exactly pinpoint when I switched from occasionally having a drink in the evening after supper, to looking forward to that drink, and then later having two or three nearly daily without much thinking about it. I do know that it did coincide with increased stress over caregiving and that it had continued for too long. At one point, when I first made that realization, I remember being scared, thinking, “What have I done? What if I can't quit?”

But even patterns of inaction can be so paralyzing. Possibly, some of us avoid exercise even though we know it is good for us. It starts out with stress and pressure for time. Then doing nothing becomes par for the course, and finally we're so out of shape it would take a great effort to even think about exercise. The thinking might be, “I'm so out of shape! What if I start exercising and have a heart attack!? What then?...who will care for Mom if I die?” ...so it becomes “safer” and easier to avoid the issue entirely.

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I personally feel it helps us realize how hard the caregiver job is and the stresses can lead to pitfalls of self abuse.

(...or neglect, Dochka ) This is at the heart of my post. For instance, how many of us skip meals—-even to the point of sometimes not really eating at all? I know that I always cooked nutritious meals for my family, but often had no appetite to eat them, myself. Isn't that nuts? No, it's really a stress/exhaustion reaction. It's good for us to catch ourselves doing these sorts of things. When we are at our most tired and feeling we are near collapse—we can check ourselves. We can ask ourselves, in that moment, whether what we are doing (or avoiding) is something that is good for us. “Will it really help, or is it hurting me?”

Like MB, cigarette smoking, is next on my list. It's easy for me to not quit. It is easiest to not think about it at all. One is always waiting for a few days of smooth sailing to quit smoking. One thinks that as soon as the stress level decreases it might be possible—-certainly easier. But when I think this way, I know that I am lying to myself.

Anyway, small improvements and little victories build momentum. I don't feel like I'm “on a roll” just yet, but I am encouraged by the idea that I can feel better. Who of us would allow our children or the loved-ones we care for to treat themselves in neglectful or abusive manners? We have to be the grown-up in our own lives, too. Probably some psychologist somewhere said we need to learn to parent ourselves—-and I think that is probably right. We need to love and care for ourselves, and even kick ourselves in the bums when it is necessary. We are worth it and we deserve to be and feel the very best we can.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: mariabee,

I became quite a drinker after my divorce in the early 90s - it seemed like I was never over one life-crisis before another knocked me back down. FINALLY (TG) I got a bellyful of it and quit drinking in 1996 and stayed completely sober until about 2001. Nowadays, I will allow myself a Lynchburg Lemonade or something similar, but no more than that 'cause I don't EVER want the problem I had back again.

It's hard to talk about cessation of addictions without sounding "born again" but, honest - most folks have no idea how much a few drinks a day is costing them... ROBBING them...

My husband quit about a month ago and he sheepishly admitted a week or so ago that he hated to say it, but he feels a LOT better in general. He never realized how MUCH those beers and shots were screwing up his sleeping patterns, his personality and his general energy level.

Lotsa folks can't imagine getting through crises without a drink or cigarettes or nerve pills, etc. but at the risk of proselytizing, the one time I try NEVER to take a drink is when there is a problem. I learned that I COULD actually handle bad stuff better without "medication" than I ever imagined!

NOW I haveta quit smoking... what a crappy habit and part of the reason my mom is in the shape she's in... you'd THINK that'd be enough incentive, but addictions are awful things when they get their meathooks in ya... But I have faith that I WILL take this one on too, and I betcha I'll make it this next time... There's nothing like a little success or improvement to spur one on to bigger and better things.

If you have a habit that's sneaked up on you, think about dumping it if it's bothering you - you might be in for a nice surprise.

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As most of you know, my mother recently passed away. This has afforded me a little time to re-assess where I am, how I've come to be here, and where I am heading. It has been well over ten years that I have been care-giving in one role or another. During such a period one can develop incredible strength and character, superior coping skills, wisdom—-and the wrinkles to match On the other hand, one can at the same time fall into patterns of living (subsisting, surviving, existing?) that are disabling and diminishing; patterns that steal from us the possibility of joy in the present, our health, our human-ness, our futures.

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with us.

I personally feel it helps us realize how hard the caregiver job is and the stresses can lead to pitfalls of self abuse.

I am happy to hear that you are experiencing the true joy of your "being" and that you are finding a way to heal after the loss of your LO.

Maria this is good thank you for bringing it forward and talking about it openly and honestly...you are so brave
I am proud of you for all you did and all you WILL accomplish in your life (I have a feeling there is something special in store for you) by doing so you honor not only the sacrifices you made out of love but you honor moms memory. I bow to you. Your an amazing soul.
(((Hugs)))

Matiabbe, thank you for sharing this.Web all search for something to help us cope.Not always the best eay but it feels such when we find that something to ease whatever is going on inside.