lately i have had to give a lot of thought to what to do if i am disabled. i have been ill lately and it could turn bad quickly. i have lost my back ups, due to moves and the necessity to return to work in this economy. ten years ago i had gastric surgery and lost 200+ lbs. the surgery had some complications and my stomach entrance and esophagus scarred shut. it has been stretched 4 times, latest friday and they haven't worked. i have had to go to the er for IV's when it gets bad.this past two weeks it got bad, very bad. thank goodness my h had vacation time to take up the slack but it really made me start thinking what will i do about daisy. i am having trouble making a decision to send her to a nh if i can get fixed and be fine but who can care for her while i recover? the agencies haven't been great and charge 2400 a week in home. the assisted living is the same but that is only if an empty room is available at the time so it is hit and miss for temporary care. if her son with poa had to moe her to temp. it will be permanent because he really doesn't want to be bothered with a re-move. he lives about 1500 miles from here.i talked to good son today and he has said it might be time for him to look at getting poa since he is the only one who visits and is around. trouble is bro with poa has trouble surrendering control of anything, a control freak. i'm sure it wouldn't be hard to make a sensible argument in favor of he change since good son is readily availabe. anyway that will be up to them to work out. i don't want daisy to have to move permanently for what may be a tempory problem with my health. what resources have i missed.by the way, although the stretch did not solve the problem it helped enough to allow me to regain 1 lb. in liquid nutrition. i had posted before but it got lost within a few hours so if anyone has experience with either of the two problems, emergency backup or this health issue. thank you for your input. i am interested in all sides.

Hap, good of you to share your health issues, along with plans for Daisy's care.

You know I am praying for you, the outcome of your procedures, and Daisy's future.

Happy, please take care of yourself first.
I know you feel like you're abandoning Daisy, but everyone needs respite care once in a while. Some of use here don't get that chance even when we're healthy and are just looking for a few hours off.
The son should agree to a replacement caregiver for that short while - perhaps even one to come into your home. Talk more tomorrow.

thank you all for your input and it seems to be unanamous. i have already been busy between the surgeon and facility searches and good son. first, surgeon wants to try a series of stretches gradually trying to increase the opening, the time before some tissue was torn when he tried to achieve a larger opening with out prestretching. so we will go for it once a week and hope for better and more lasting results.that means a buzz a week! next good son is on board one hundred percent in whatever i decide will be best. we are finding options and i only have to say the word. he will work on getting the poa from bro which shouldn't be difficult since he is absent from the scene and inaccessible for emergencies. he lived close before that but now is to far away to be effective. and you are also right about legal issues bg. i have gone from being too cynical to too trusting in my life. i do know that good son would be on my side of the bench testifying if anyone ever raised a stink but it is time to cover my butt and close the loopholes. the good news is i have regained another pound on some wild fattening concoctions that a lot of people would hate me for if i listed the ingredients. huge no no's on every weight concious woman's diet in our age group! and believe it or not, alls i want are fresh, raw tomatoes out of the garden and a salt shaker or a fresh apple. be careful what we wish for, you just might get it!!! but thanks. my fmily still likes daisy here and although she is a patient, the history goes back 18 years. longer han my son has been around. i am also going for an increas in compensation to cover more in home care. this is where other son will scream bloody murder!

This message has been edited. Last edited by: fat, dumb and happy,

Hap, My brother has Mom's POA and DPOA, but he is close by, and tries to visit regularly. AND the lady I care for IS my Mom. I am sure they would appreciate you looking into alternatives for Daisy, and Daisy herself would benefit from your input, but no matter what you do, it will still be their decision. And their expense.

You know perfectly well that you have given them a bargain and bought some positive time for Daisy by taken this on. But you didn't adopt her. And you can't keep her forever. None of us can do that.

My cousin took care of my aunt , living in her home with her family. As my aunt increasingly grew disabled, cousin hurt her back and needed surgery, once. Then later had to have a hysterectomy, and after that, my aunt was too much for her to handle. Fortunately there was a NH about 20 miles from home that had a respite wing. With 2 weeks notice, a room was usually available. Her surgeries were able to wait and coordinate with the NH.

Everyone needs a plan, and your plan needs to include how you are going to be there for your son and husband. Be there on graduation day, retirement day. I think your health issue is going to require some real effort to deal with. If there were some quick fix, you'ld probably have heard of it by now. So it may need your undivided attention. If you have to let Daisy go, then that is how it is.

Remember this. This distant brother with the authority, he can (not that he would, but he can) Show up at your door and take her away from you. Maybe he would think that his new wife can handle the job and he wouldn't have to pay her. You would have no input, and neither would Daisy. You are going to have to put yourself and your own family first. You could miss a window of opportunity to get help for your condition and a week later Daisy could stroke out. You'ld have no job and no healing.

Hap, I know you care about Daisy, but as I told you before: you have a 17 year old son and a husband AND a LIFE. Your health HAS to be priority one or you are doing the others who love and need you a disservice. You have come as far as you can along Daisy's road with her, at least until your health improves. Have you spoken with her Dr. Son to hear his ideas and share your own? Daisy is NOT your responsibility - she is your patient! If you need time for herself, I am happy you were able to have helped her this far, but it's time to let go... Her sons will have to take it from here, and that is the right thing for them to do.

Daisy and her sons are NOT the problem here - the roadblock is the one YOU are putting in your own way. We ALL have to make tough decisions, and some don't go down easily, but when push comes to shove, you have to take care of yourself first, plain and simple.

Hey Happy -- Contingencies are a good idea. What about a private Board & Care Facility? My mom is one now for $1700/mo. This particular facility (and you do have to shop around)is wonderful. They will not do ANY invasive medical treatment (ie. impaction, ear/eye drops -- though she will guide my mother's hand so she can do it -- the drops, not impaction). When those situations arise we have a couple of agency cg that will come in. So far we haven't had to deal with that. BG is right -- this can't be your decision even though you are very attached to Daisy. And you REALLY do need to take care of yourself.

Plain and simple of this anyone in a caregiving situation needs to make back up plans when taking on care of this magnitude.
NH's yes they can be that expensive but there are others out there too that are less expensive this much I have just found out, in fact as low as $1600 so far it all depends on what any given patient can afford if not the state does have its pick of facilities and they have to pick up the tab, it may not be up to everyones standards as far as bells and whistles but thats not for you to decide Happy thats for HER family to decide.
Sorry I have to say this I wouldnt be put in this position at all but thats just me.
This son needs to make arrangements for his own mother I thought he had a POA and DPOA. How the heck do you all work out the finer details legally if these arent in place? This is a deal breaker for me....

I'm not sure if they are nationwide or in your area but when I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and vomiting blood back in 2004 I was able to place my mom in Potomic Home. It was a respite place and mom loved it. You bring your own sheets and any thing else that makes her feel at home. Perhaps there's one near you or something like it