I told my DH, a couple of weeks ago when this all started, that I was willing to help out with his mom for him. He said he would accept any help I offered but didn't expect anything in particular. I even want to protect him from overdoing because there is only the two of us during the week, his brother spells us on the weekend.

Pretty soon, FIL will be coming home from the hospital and we will have 2 people to take care of until FIL is well enough to take on the care of his wife again, which may not be as much as we hope because we certainly don't want to see him kill himself while trying to take care of her. His philipino upbringing is to 'take care of your own', which means he does not want anyone but his family helping out.

I'm doing more for MIL and it's not too bad, still can't stand the cleaning up of 'messes' but it has to be done, so I just do it. Yesterday, I washed her hair and she seemed happy with that and laughed when I said....'what new and exciting adventures are we going to tackle next'?

But this next step has me concerned about my willingness to sacrifice for my husband....he's talking like he would like to go back to part time work when his dad gets home, but his normal hours are 4-9 am. I don't want to get up at 3 and drive to their house so I told him I could stay the nights at their place and he could spell me by noon. I could leave by noon and come back again by 8 pm. But then we would never have any time together, I would be spending 16 hours away from my home, garden, animals (cat sleeping on my chest), crafts (me, me, me is crying out here) to his 8 hours there. When I went to bed last night, I couldn't get to sleep right away for thinking about this and wondering how I could do it, I don't want to do it!!! Not even for him.

This morning I just had to tell him how I felt (like a failure and disappointment to him and totally selfish) but he understood and said he didn't have to go back to work yet, and we would figure something out. I really wanted to be a good wife and help out, but my concern about my own well being is taking the forefront.

thanks for letting me get this off my chest (it's more comfortable to have the cat on my chest than this guilt!!)

Ruth

Mom went to the nursing facility last night, there are 2 other people in the room with her....we'll see how she likes that. I know dad usually goes to his room when they are at home to watch TV because she likes to sit and ponder, but perhaps she really wants more interaction. She never was one to entertain or visit much, but who knows, maybe she craves it now. I'm not much of a talker myself, don't go to parties....the internet is my party place!!!
I think DH is trying to talk dad into something a little more permanent, so we'll see what comes of it. It's very slow convincing him of things, I grew weary of the whole thing, so yes, I'm keeping pretty quiet at this point!!! Thanks for your support and comments, you're all a treasure.

Hiya Ruth! I am wondering if while your MIL is at the rehab facility if y'all might get your dad to consider an assisted living or other residential situation for her, especially if he sees she is content at the rehab. Even though he is on the mend, with his own health concerns and waning energy, to keep up with the care for his wife, whose health is deteriorating and whose needs are increasing, may be unrealistic. It would be much easier on all to move her to another facility from the rehab, rather than returning her home to another "new" routine (she will probably have forgotten the home routine by then). If she qualifies, and if he is willing, a change of residence for both of them where he can assist with her care (instead of being totally responsible for it) might be the best solution for all concerned. I know it is heart wrenching, but going in together as a couple would prevent their having to be separated.

Bless both you and your DH for all that you have been doing for their care! None of us ever plans to become old and frail and when people rally around their elders the way y'all have done, it is so heartening! Demonstrating one's devotion is so much more difficult than talking about it and both of you have shown so much more than lip service. Many cudos to you!

Ruth the one thing I found with my MIL unfortunately is the more you do the more they expect even with the Dementia.
I remember a time when I was truly trying my hardest to befriend my MIL after my FIL's death (this has been one woman who was EXTREMELY hard to get along with, no kidding) I told her after all the years of her cleaning up other peoples messes it was time she relaxed and let me help out for a change....well thats exactly what she did. I made that mistake of "doing everything" to the point of her not doing ANYTHING....Queen bee at the helm! I created a monster to the point of her having hissy fits when she didnt get her way. AD or spoiled brat??? Well its a little of both sweetie.
If she is still ambulatory make her do as much as she can while she can and please dont listen to her rantings thats all they are unless it is health related dont give it any power...in other words no merit to the rants. Half the time they dont know whats real and whats not.
And simply put yes she is jealous its something my MIL pulled all the time she would have a fit if people didnt pay attention to her and this was before AD was a factor she would get extremely upset if someone in her own family sat and spoke to me and god forbid they enjoyed it in the least bit...When I took care of my FIL after his stroke she hated the fact of me looking after him and got mad to the point of pushing me away literally saying she could do it when clearly she couldnt.
They are right you are wrong and no amount of finagling is gonna change that thought in them.
Allow your husband to take the reins here dont intervene unless asked Ruth for your own sanity...Support your husband decisions is all you can do in this. Your not the bad guy here Ruth not at all!
What I see is the same exact story Iv lived for the past 25 years no kidding. Stay quiet and let them take care of things.

Ruth, It really is amazing when I reread your story, how your DH has put himself out there. What a rare man!! Your MIL Definetly needs the convalescent facility for as many days as she can get. If this is a prank by a spoiled brat or her dementia, she won't be able to keep it up, and they will see it and you will too. In the mean tme, your FIL can get some real rest, and you and your DH , also.

Give your chest warmer kitty a hug from me. One of mine sleeps between my feet.

An update, such as it is..

Dad came home July 25 and DH has been staying there almost 24/7 for a couple of months. It has taken Dad this long (too long in his eyes for sure) to get to the point that DH can leave them at night. DH arm has been bothering him and I think it's because he's been sleeping on the floor with a flimsy mattress, so I said it would be a good time for them to start getting used to his being gone at night. That seems to be working, but......

we've been round and round about getting help in there and we can't force them to accept help....mom is the one who needs to be cooked for, cleaned and otherwise 'pampered' (and I mean that literally!!). So, all seemed to be going well and just this last Thursday, Dad called to say mom was in the hospital (911....she said she couldn't move and she had been making 'messes' for a couple of days and I think Dad was finally getting tired of cleaning her up). Well, DH went over there with Dad on Friday and she was like the Queen of the Nile, sitting up in bed with her feet all taken care of, pink cheeks, eating everything that she could get her hands on, saying the food was so good (DH has been working his butt off trying to get prepare her food and she just says she doesn't like it and not to get it again, really irritates me no end). She actually was 'walking' with a walker and physical therapist telling her how good she was doing. She even told us the staff thought she was being neglected.....like what happened to her teeth, was Dad beating her up? She's on cumidin, if he laid a hand on her, it would show!! I don't know if it's dementia that makes her like this, or if she just is a spoiled brat.....why wouldn't she do things because she could.....why does she have to be made over in order to get her to do things? Was she jealous of all the time we had to spend with Dad to get him well? He'll eat anything, still can of course, but she wouldn't even try. I know he convinced her that she shouldn't fall, so maybe she has been afraid to walk for fear of falling and getting yelled at, but I hope I never get like that. Just shoot me!

ok, ranting over. things are up in the air for now....I think they are sending her to a nursing facility tomorrow to get her rehabilitated, whatever that means. I know when she gets home, she'll just revert back to what she was. And I don't know what they will do about her bowels.....she has no control....only goes every 4-5 days and it's then constant til she empties. If she has diapers on, she won't get up to potty, she'll just let someone take care of her.

Ruth

quote:

Originally posted by mae:But experience has taught me I have the right to say no

Amen Mae....amen

Sometimes we have to answer with our heads and not our hearts.It is best to not give a spontaneous response when asked to help out.Many times our heart gets in the way .Always give our selves time to respond to any favors asked.
They say haste makes waste.Experience teaches us that is so true.
I recently was faced with someone wanting to come stay in my home until they sold their house and found another.I almost agreed.Well, I too, lost sleep thinking about this.For once I did something that was right for me and said no.I told them I had no bosses in my home any longer and I like my way of doing thingsI felt I had been so flexable in the past but I was not willing to put myself in the position of having to change what has become my way of doing things in my home.I was actually proud of my self because there was a time when I was such a soft touch I would have said yes.But experience has taught me I have the right to say no

Hi Ruth, This would be the perfect time (befor your FIL comes home) to talk to your DH about "exploring" home health options. Speak to FIL's doctors, nurses, social workers, any and all who work with him now at the rehab/hospital. They could then speak with your DH and FIL about needs and the best course of action for all. Now is the time to speak up to all who will listen. Good luck.

Amen Dochka. Thats right Ruth BRAVO! Tell the truth to him dont you dare hold back your feelings if you think you can not handle something.
And sweetie that guilt you feel, thats you holding back your feelings from your husband...its not about the care its that your scared of what he may think of you. Truth time sweetie Iv been there with my own hunny it aint easy that much I can tell you but once its out there you begin to get a little more comfortable (just remember some things are better left unsaid) say them here this is a "safe zone" everyone here understands these thoughts and emotions that are a little too raw for our spouses... Ok?
Taking on the care of in laws that are set in their ways is a handful my in laws were and are the same in that matter they like to do what they like to do "that vase belongs here and so help me if its touched someones gonna pay!" doesnt matter if you were just tryin to take on some home chores to help out its theirs dont touch it this is the way things are handled dont enter my zone, ya get the picture...Oh yeah I know where you are at with your in laws
Stubborn and willful to a fault...
Walk softly dear this can get sticky really quick

Easy does it, Ruth. This is a big change for everyone! I don't care how much most folks love their in-laws - not being brought up in that family makes a big difference in what we can tolerate at times. I hope that BOTH of you will not burn your candles at both ends too much now... I don't mean to sound "gloom & doom," but this is just the beginning... Having home health people and aides come in to assist may go against FIL's grain, but his "beliefs" are not worth more than your lives! I am glad he is doing better, but sooner or later he will not be able to take care of himself, let alone his dear wife, too...

While he is in-hospital or rehab, there are social workers availble there who can assess his needs (and MIL's too) and make recommendations. He may not want to listen to y'all, but he may listen better when the doctor "orders" extra care and assistance. At the very least, please talk with the social worker - it's their job to answer questions and help people figure out ways to get folks the help they need.

Our loved ones are not the only ones who do not adapt to change readily... neither do we! Your schedules have been totally turned upside down. Someone has to keep you & your DH's REAL life going along, too, Ruth! Please be kind to yourself. It is not terrible for you to feel resentful, worn out, depressed and cranky! It is also not terrible for you to take the role of the voice of reason for your husband. His love for his parents and anguish at seeing them getting old and frail may make him attempt to do a lot more for them than he is able to deliver on! This is uncharted territory and it is wise to get a lot of opinions from people who have dealt with this scenario many times... Being completely honest with him about what you are and are not willing to do to assist is wise - so much easier to understand things from the get-go than to try and withdraw along the way... Whatever your in'laws need, you and your husband are a family, too, and need to have some regularity to your lives together. A crisis is one thing; a chronic situation is quite different! Spending regular hours together at YOUR home is important and should not be neglected or left off the schedule of events!

Rest up every chance you get! I hope you have a good weekend!

Dear Ruth,
It is always better to face the truth of the matter! I congratulate you on having this difficult conversation with your husband. You are a good wife who can be relied upon to tell the truth of what you are feeling. Believe me, we all wish we were superhuman when it comes to these challenges but we are not.