I spent a lot of time this afternoon reading the forum posts and decided to chime in.

Mom's physical therapist released her and said she is capable of doing a number of things on her own. He also told me she does NOT need the bedside toilet (ordered when she was first released from the nursing home), since the bathroom is 15 ft from her bed. Her doctor is very pleased with her improvement. I know I've already been on here, telling you all about how she is driving me nuts. She still is. LOL Thank God my sister has her this week.

Mom has developed a routine of lying in bed all day, watching television. The gal that gives her lunch and bathes her makes Mom walk to the living room to eat and do her leg exercises, but other than that, she spends the day in bed, needlessly. She is not depressed. She is living the "good life," being waited on hand and foot by my sister and I. I told her to use the bathroom during the day and the bedside toilet only during the night and for emergencies when she can't make it to the bathroom. She didn't do what I suggested, though she said she would. I guess she figures, why walk to the bathroom when you don't have to??? I guess I should be very thankful that she at least does go to the bathroom to have a BM now.

The other day she told me she wanted "the Mexican food that you put lettuce and tomatoes on." Remembering that my sister had cooked some a while back, I said, "fajitas" and Mom said yes. I went to the store, spent the afternoon chopping, grilling, etc., and finally brought her a fajita for dinner. She looked at it and said, "That's not what I meant. I meant the kind with the crunchy shell." I just glared at her and said, "TACOS." Then I left the room. I had my hubby bring her meds to her later because I was too upset to go back in there after that, after all that work, not even a thanks.

This past week she forgot the word, taco. She forgot her former nursing home roommate's name. She asked me something that she had known the answer to. I am afraid her dementia (which had actually gone away!) may be returning. No changes in meds, etc., but I think maybe she hadn't gotten enough sleep a couple of nights.

She is playing the "patient" role to the hilt. She doesn't want to do anything but watch TV in bed. That's what she did before she got CHF, but at least she sat in a chair!! I would love to send her back home with a live-in caregiver, but remember, her house is ruined by cat pee. My sister and I both dread the week she is to be at either of our houses. She is picky and totally self-centered (always has been). My sister and I both work, but Mom has our little bit of time at home revolving around her. She doesn't care that we really don't have time to cook breakfast every single morning. "Cereal again???"

I was packing Mom's things today (to go to my sister's house) and found a big wad of her hair in her cosmetic bag. I asked her if she put that in there and she said that yes, she was going to show everyone how much hair she is losing!! I said, "GROSS!" LOL Yep, everyone will want to see that wad of hair! (She is having terrible hair loss and the doctor said it's side effects from her meds.)

That's the story here. A never ending story of frustration in "Olga World." Thanks for listening. :-)

Bobcat, thanks for the post.

Mom did great the morning after the sleeping pill, and she also did great today (mentally and physically). I didn't notice any "dementia signs" at all. It's so weird how she has gone in and out of this "crazy thing" for so many years.

I will have to read more of this forum to see how your mom is doing. Sorry to hear things are crazy for you guys. I do have to work (leave at 6:30 AM, get home after 6:00 PM, a lot of times), so I am scarce.

Here's something funny now: My 16 year-old son came in here a little while ago and asked me if I was on the "I Hate My Mom" forum again! LOL I must explain...He came in my bedroom a few nights ago, and while leaning over my shoulder, he read that subject line from the Anger Board! I just said, "Yes!! Now get out of my room!!" Unfortunately, my son is not too fond of his Grandma. Years of catching cats and kittens out of her house (with me), and begging her to stop ruining her house probably did it!!

Mom's nurse came today and saw the sign I put on Mom's bedside toilet!! It says, "For Night Time, Too Weak, and Emergencies!" I put that sign on to remind Mom that she can walk, for God's sake. After the nurse left, Mom went into the bathroom to pee ONCE. I was thankful. I believe the nurse had a talk with her about lying in bed 22 of 24 hours - My sis said she was going to tell the nurse about that.

It was a good day. Geez. This is what I call a good day now!! What ever happened to a "REALLY good day?!!"

Again, thanks for listening when I vent. There is so much to vent about.

Hi Carol. Just a thought...If you give her something to help her sleep, (I don't argue at all with the thought that a good nights sleep is a beautiful thing) please do be extra on guard when she wakes up. Dizziness can linger and increase risk of fall.

Sorry I haven't responded to your post before. Things are a bit out of whack around here too, lately.
About sodium...bagged frozen vegetables rarely have any added and cook very quickly in the microwave. I often make soup with a can of low sodium broth, no salt diced tomatoes and whatever frozen vegies I want, some no salt seasonings, simmer for a while, add some rice (left over is ok) or pasta, it is done soon. A little garlic makes up for a lot of salt.

Hamburger helper is way over rated and over priced anyway. Next time you have one, read the ingredients, look at it. Pasta or rice, you have that, dehydrated tomato paste, heck you have the little can. You can do it at a fraction of the cost. Really...and no more trouble. Honest.

Grandmallie, please read Moms_Buddy post right here, Jul 27 at 12:43 PM. She has some great wisdom about dementia.

Today I had to tell my mom's hired girl that she MUST wash Mom's face and MUST wash her hair when she gives her a bath, since Mom hasn't allowed her to do that in a month! I told the girl that if Mom still had a problem with it, to tell Mom that I was going to go in there and talk to her about it. Geez, if it's not one thing, it's another.

I think that if I were you, I'd make an original post on the forum, so more people would read it, instead of being nested inside a post that I made. I'm sure many more people would be supportive and understanding of what you're going through, if they knew to read it on the main board.

Again, I believe I'd talk to an attorney about these matters concerning your FIL. Neighbors getting involved could be a really good or really bad thing for all of you!! He seriously sounds like he needs some intervention of some type. Good luck! Dealing with these kinds of things does indeed wear you out!

Thanks, Opinionated. I will definitely check out the Bertolli's the next time I'm at the grocery store. I go back to work next week and I'll need something quick for dinner again, or else hubby will be tending the slow cooker after I leave for work! LOL

I had another "weird" issue with Mom tonight. This afternoon her hired gal was here (Jennifer, who gives her lunch and a bath), and all three of us talked about a few funny things. Mom, Jen, and I were all laughing for at least 20 minutes. I went to give Mom dinner tonight, 6 hours later, and she asked me if I had talked to Jennifer today. Wow.

When I brought Mom her pills tonight (crushed and stirred into grape jelly, as usual), I snuck a dyphenhydramine (sp?) pill (25 mg) in there. I had asked her doctor if it was okay first, of course. I want to see if a good night's sleep will help with her mental illness. She always seems to be worse when she doesn't sleep well.

Hubby keeps telling me that she doesn't have dementia. He keeps reminding me that she has been a nut for years and years!! He says she's playing my sister and I. I have been reading on the internet, and found that untreated hypothyroidism can cause mental illness. She's had that since she was a lot younger, and probably hasn't been responsible enough in recent years to take her meds for it. The past few months she has had the meds regularly (due to my sis and I making sure she does). So what am I to think? We'll see how she does tomorrow.

This board is really a cathartic release for me. Thanks so much for listening.

Bertolli's from the frozen food aisle. Can't count the number of times they have saved me at dinner time. I'd check the sodium content but I just made the last one we had this week! I'll bet it's not as high as many of them, though. One bag is just right for two people, and I always add a cup or so of one frozen veggie or another so it truly is a one-pan meal. (When it was three of us, adding the veggies and some nice bread on the side made one bag perfect for three.) The oven ones are good, too, but not as much as a time saver as the stove top varieties. :-)

ok back again, thank you for all the back-up,well I got to my FIL thursday and found out someone had bought him boxers- a big NO NO, because he urinates all over himself and everything else, he wouldnt tell me who got them, but we figured it out, the elderly neighbor up the street, she didnt know, then he tried hiding the depends,I washed the boxers and put them in his drawer, but we have all agreed that he will not go anywhere with any of us unless he has depends on!!!!
he is playing us all big time, and I dont know what lies ahead,but it is starting to wear us all out!!

Opinionated,

You're so right about having them eat what we eat, and for the most part, that's what I try to do. I no longer ask her what she wants for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. I learned the hard way never to do that again!

Unfortunately, Mom is on a restricted sodium diet (2000 mg per day), which complicates things for everyone. The week that she is with us, we have to cook everything from scratch, since everything we would normally prepare when we get home from a long day at work is laden with sodium.

Quick meals, such as Hamburger Helper and Zatarain's jambalaya mix (just throw in sausage or shrimp and cook!), to name a few, are off limits. It took me a long time to get used to this. I spend so much extra time in the grocery store reading labels, learning that even things like a freaking simple can of corn has too much sodium!

Going about cooking the long, hard way just for her is one of the reasons I got so upset about the taco issue! Hubby and I depend on our slow cooker more than ever. I do bring Mom one (high sodium!!) restaurant meal per week when she's here though, since my family eats out once per week. We compensate for it by adjusting her breakfast and lunch.

My mom spent a lot of money on fast food when she lived alone. She rarely cooked. That's one of the reasons why she's so picky. Imagine how much sodium is in one serving of Church's chicken or a BK Whopper! Yep, my low sodium cooking sucks! LOL

Grandmallie,
It's good to vent here, isn't it? It sounds like your FIL needs some type of intervention, although I wouldn't really know what to suggest. I think I would talk to an attorney though. Usually the first consultation is free, isn't it? I can't believe your BIL lives with him and does nothing! That alone must be extremely frustrating. I wish you much luck in dealing with all of this.

quote:

I don't let Mom see it though, except for the taco issue. I admit I was really hurt and MAD.

When my Mom was bedridden and we first moved in with her, we asked what her favorite foods were from restaurants around town, thinking she was ill and special treats might perk her up. Not much info but my sister had some clues. So, for awhile, we went to the best places and got takeout for her, since she said I "cooked weird." (Which hurt. I pride myself on my cooking.) She still balked and fussed about her food. One night she got very cranky, pushed a meal away from her, and said she didn't really eat "fast food."

My hubby nearly exploded. Far from fast food, we were getting her entrees from the best restaurants in town. It wasn't cheap and it was time consuming. We kept our anger hidden but I SURE know how you feel.

On the bright side, it was a turning point and while I'd still accomodate her by including her favorite foods in daily meals, from then on she ate what we ate. If they're going to complain no matter what they get, may as well please yourself!

There does come a point when a person makes decisions that are against their own best interests. It's then that a caregiver really does have to take charge and make the decisions for them. (Like getting those fleas out and making sure he's clean and safe.)

Unfortunately, if your loved one isn't thinking clearly, they can't clearly see it's time to let their family help them.

So, yeah, social services is one possibility, if your BIL won't step up but I hear they can be mighty pushy. Finding an assisted living home that would work for your FIL is also a possibility, though it takes everyone's cooperation to make sure your FIL knows that's a positive change. You could also look into finding an elder care attorney for some solid advice about your options.

Good for you for caring. Pamper your nerves -- I can understand why they'd be worn out!

ok I stop in and vent every once in awhile, and so here it goes
like I said before my FIL is alone and has sent meals on wheels away 3 times, so we got rid of them,he has gone to going comando , not wearing his depends, my ex SIL founf that he had gone down stairs that he wasnt supposed to, got the ladder and went outside to check something on the roof.
the man is 81 years old and very very unstable on his feet.he wont bath, except for sponge baths his upper body,took his dog to the groomers this week was infested with flea's so the house is infested, my BIL will not even talk to anyone about his father, his Ex, myself, and my aunt are basically the sole caregivers, and he is on our last nerve. I am really thinking of getting social services involved.My BIL just ignores the whole situation and he lives in the house . We cannot keep this up it is going on 6 months of doing this and we are all getting worn out.
and a home health aide, he will fire them in the first week. I dont know what to do next but im ready to string the old man up

Carol, this IS tough work! No one expects that you and your sis will ALWAYS come up with the right responses! Understanding is sometimes maddening!! We learn step-by-step, hopefully a little quicker than our LOs unlearn!

And about the tacos - it was an understandable mistake. She couldn't explain and you made the best guess you could. When people start losing their words, they often agree with our guesses, only to realize it was not what they meant. Chaulk it up and have a laugh about it. Humour gets everyone through rough moments better than allowing hurt feelings and anger to prevail. The world of dementia can be frustrating, and profoundly sad, but there're also many sweet & funny moments to cherish along the way.

Thanks, M_B. It would be easier distinguishing her new dementia behaviors from the old "normal" behaviors and act accordingly, but she has always been very picky and self-centered (before her illnesses) and even somewhat of a fruitcake. Only the forgetfulness is new. To me, she is just being her "old self," but, like you said, maybe there is more to it.

I appreciate your description of dementia. I admit I must be in the stage where I need to remind myself that she may not be responsible for turning our homes into "Olga World." My sister and I both do need to detach ourselves from the "daughter" roles. At this point in time, however, I think my mom would notice and ask us about it. Geez, this is so hard. I wish I could quiet the resentment I feel sometimes. I don't let Mom see it though, except for the taco issue. I admit I was really hurt and MAD.

I guess this home caregiving isn't for everyone! My sister and I will continue to do it until we can't anymore. Thanks again for your comments.

quote:

after all that work, not even a thanks.

This past week she forgot the word, taco. She forgot her former nursing home roommate's name. She asked me something that she had known the answer to. I am afraid her dementia (which had actually gone away!) may be returning. No changes in meds, etc., but I think maybe she hadn't gotten enough sleep a couple of nights.

Carol, dementia generally doesn't "go away." There may be times when people are more confused than others, but it is progressive. People who suffer from dementia have brains that are slowly dying, cell by cell. What appears to be ingratitude may not be that at all: it may be that the person no longer actually realizes all that is done on their behalf. Dementia is cognitive decline. It can take the form of many behaviors which can confuse the heck out of a caregiver. I don't think your mom is laying around living the life of a princess! I think she doesn't know what to do with herself other than what she is doing. This is typical of dementia sufferers. Some days we can get them to be more active; other days, they are just not with it enough to participate. Because this IS a progressive condition, at first we can become confused about how much our LOs are actually able to do. Many times it isn't that they are physically unable - they are cognitively unable.

It helped me a great deal to simply release Mom from my expectations. We tried new things and sometimes they went well; other times they fell flat. Some days, things went well; others were hell from start to finish. When I really got my mind around "brain damage," I realized that drawing conclusions and making judgments about her behavior was inappropriate. I don't think your Mom means to seem ungrateful or a PITA - she's simply doing the best she can with a brain that is coming unwound. We're accustomed to thinking of someone who is ill as a participant in their recovery. People with dementia simply cannot participate they way a patient not suffering from this collection of symptoms can do. Way before a person declines to the extent that others notice their behavior changes, THEY have been noticing things in their own internal state. As they lose more and more function, their deficits begin to show to the outside world, but like an iceberg, so much decline remains invisible on the outside. When I would get ultra frustrated with Mom, I tried to put myself in her place. I tried to imagine how difficult it must be for her to behave in the manner I was expecting when she was losing knowledge of words, meanings, impulse control, etc. In the end, I realized she was doing the best she could do and that her behaviors that aggravated me were not the result of a sound mind. No amount of coaxing can make someone understand concepts they have lost!

I sympathize with how you and your sister feel, but it's my opinion that y'all may be asking more than she is able to cognitively deliver upon. As my mom used to tell me, there's a difference between "can't and "won't." For normal folks, "won't" is usually the reason. In the case of folks with dementia "can't" is the truer case.

It's helpful to detach oneself emotionally from patient care. Home caregiving isn't like babysitting - it's much more hands-on and intensive! The trick is maintaining one's balance (and distance) between the personal relationship as "daughter" and the adult responsibility of "caregiver."

Many blessings to both you and your sister for all that you do for your mom's care. You are two very special women to undertake this task for your mom. The road you're walking isn't easy, but at least you are able to share it with someone else. That you both balance jobs & families, etc. is huge!