Hi everyone:

I haven't posted for a long time. Between caring for my husband and work I've just be reading the postings and trying to keep up to date with all of you. All of you have been in my thoughts and prayers for your losses and for all that you've been going through. You aren't forgotten!

I have a question for you, if I may: The other night a friend arranged for someone to care for my husband and took me out to a local and most wonderful rare community event in our little Village. I was, "was" is the operative word here, having a wonderful time!

Then people began approaching me about my husband, his health and related topics. The time I was enjoying dissipated rapidly. One person after another stopped by to ask a question or make a comment of some sort or another. Suddenly, I just wanted to go home. I was no longer enjoying myself or the event.

I tried very politely to "brush" aside the questions and comments. At one point I even explained that this was a VERY rare evening out for me and I really needed a break from everyday life and than perhaps they could save their questions and comments for another time. One person just walked off in a real huff when I did that... I felt SOOO badly and did go and apologize to her. Most people here know that I rarely go out anywhere at any time...

Some people were SOOO persistent! Finally I said to the kind soul of a friend who had brought me to the event that I really wanted to go home. She took me home and with kind words and a promise to come to vist she dropped me off and took the temporary caregiver (her son) home. She stopped by today to see how I was, bless her heart!

When I did get home my husband blew up and accused me of going out and running around on him which only made matters worse. I settled him into bed eventually and just went to bed myself. I had to work the next morning anyway. I think that I must have cried myself to sleep. My eyes were all crusty when I woke up the next morning.

I work at two jobs, one almost full time and one part time. I care for a husband who is slipping further and further away into his own world. I was SOOO looking forward to this night out!

I just wonder how others handle situations like this one... when you go out for a break, to relax and get back in touch with the REAL world only to have that time stolen from you by others with questions about "the other world" in which you live daily.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope that I'm not being selfish here and apologize if I am or appear to be so.

Sincerely
Cheri B

Dear Cheri,
I have found that even if you told them the whole story, people just don't GET IT anyway!

So, if someone asks, I just say "Good" and change the subject!

Cheri, It is good to get out and recharge. I made the mistake of getting out only maybe 3 or 4 times a year. I was a social butterfly and feel I have lost my social skills. I work with pre-k and 1 and 2nd grade children and to be honest are more comfortable around them. I am pushing myself to get out more, even by myself. Please be kind to yourself, it will help make you a better caregiver.

You should go and visit them , when you have the chance.Great answer.
We live in such a huge area that I rarely met anyone who knew me as a caregiver for hubby.When I did they were just pleased to see me and never mentioned it.They just engaged me in positive conversation.
When I wanted to exited the converstaion I politely said I have to go as time flies when your having fun.

Cheri, socializing is a skill that if not practiced often enough, becomes rusty. When I go out in public, I am told that I seem "normal," but I don't FEEL that way inside. I feel more "deer in the headlights" and "stranger in a strange land." Crowds, traffic, rude people and too much conversation bother me more than they used to. Even if I am having a great time, it sure is good to see my driveway once again!

Hi everyone:

Thank you so much for all of your wonderful replies to my post. I'm so very grateful to each and every one of you for all that you shared with me and others here. I've learn so much from this experience and am now well armed with all manner of good ways to cope with this situation should it rise again.

I think that it was Mom's Buddy who suggested that I might have been in a wee bit of a fragile state at the time. I think you're right.

My husband was diagnosed a year ago this month. It just seems like this past year has flown by with all the new things that were happening and all that had been done to insure his health, safety and security.

The other night was the very FIRST night that I'd gone out for an evening of laughter and fun over this past year! There just hasn't been time or I've been just to worn out to go anywhere. NEXT TIME will be much better and there WILL be a next time!

Thank you from my heart for all your help and guidance. Blessings all. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Cheri B

Cheri, welcome back. I'm sorry your evening out was spoiled by ignorant people. Some people just have no concept of how our lives as caregivers really are and they are not helping by prying. Can you tell these people to stop by and see him for themselves? I am so glad your friend stopped by. Maybe you can get her to take you out again to a more peaceful outing. Gypsy

quote:

Originally posted by Bobcat:
That is desperate. The laundromat??? a social event??? ouch..

hey the laundromat was our social functions of the week in the late 60's, early 70's-Thurs. night was laundry night- put laundry in washers, go to pub across the road, go back to put in dryer, back for another beer-laundry done, good time had by all.(and none of us had to waste the weekend doing laundry. Gypsy

Ahhh Bobcat the social outing up here in North Jersey was food shopping. Cheri I understand about finally getting out and having people ask questions. I remember once going to see a Harry Potter film and running into a neighbor who asked "who is taking care of your mom?" I said back that it obvioulsly wasn't her or me but knowing me she knows mom was left in capable hands. To that she said"Oh your son has off" OK Yes. Then she said I should just go watch the movie and forget about her home as if there is trouble he can always call my cell phone. People just do not understand that we need breaks without questions. Mae summed it up perfectly.

Think about this Cheri, when I was hired at my agency they had a little video for me to watch about "neighbors" of any one of our patients on a day to day basis.
It showed a nurse coming out of the patients home and a neighbor approaching the nurse firing all kinds of personal questions, the only thing that should ever come out of the nurses mouth is this:
"Hello sir/ma'am, beautiful day out, *key answer* you should go and VISIT them when you get a chance, sorry I have to get back to work you have a nice day"

On those rare occasions when I was able to be out and about by myself, that always happened to me too.
I just said, "Today he's doing well enough that I felt I could be out for a while. It's wonderful to be able to enjoy myself without worrying about him."
Sometimes it worked. Sometimes I actually forgot who was at home waiting for me, and didn't think about him at all. After about 10 minutes, I remembered again. (You all know what I mean and how I mean it - don't go thinkin I'm awful!!)
But I still enjoyed myself.
In a way it's a little harder now. I find myself thinking how much Don would have enjoyed "this."

Cheri, when people ask, I tell them that my mom's doing the best that she can and immediately change the subject, "And how have YOU been doing?" I usually don't even thank them for asking, cause it they really cared, they wouldn't have to catch me on one of my cameo appearances to get their info, now would they?

If they persist, I get assertive real fast. I tell them it's not a good time to talk, but they are welcome to call me at home if they'd like to chat more (then if I see them on the Caller ID, I just don't answer!). I have never had anyone persist after that, but if they did, I would just stare at them like they had flies crawling out of their nose and excuse myself and go away from them. I will NOT be forced into conversation that upsets me when I shake loose for an evening and I am NOT SHY about letting others know when they are intruding!

However, this IS par for the course. Perhaps you might have been feeling a little fragile or "stranger in a strange landish"? I know it's hard and it caught you by surprise, but you are gonna have to steel yourself for this type of inquiry 'cause it won't be the last time it happens and you can't hide in your house. It really IS bad manners for people to do more than ask, "And how's your husband doing?" unless you give some signal to them that you wish to do more than give a simple reply. The more you try to explain, the more they think you want to talk. Sometimes, you can't be "very" polite because it encourages people to continue. Being only "marginally" polite or answering in as few words as possible gives the cue that you don't want to talk about it.

I know that this phenomenon has happened to me many times and will happen again, but I PRAY I have personally learned a lesson - when I see people in public whom I know to be having a difficult time at home - illness, divorce, death of a family member, whatever - I just hug them and say "It's so GOOD to see you tonight!" and then I SHUT MY MOUTH!

quote:

it is not out of line for the people of the community to ask.

I gotta disagree. While this is supposedly people being sensitive, think about it! If they are not close enough friends to be in touch on a day-to-day basis, they are not close enough to elicit the details of your life at a public event. Good etiquette dictates that people express how pleased they are to see you, but not to bring up upsetting topics, let alone continue interrogating.

Ms. Manners sez: Off with their heads!

Baby girl I know what you mean!

I hae to choke abit here. I remember when I lived in Trenton, NJ (me being a Southern child), going to the laundromat was the big social event of the week. At least I got out of the house and talked to other people.

That is desperate. The laundromat??? a social event??? ouch..

I am so sorry I know what you mean by taking a break from that world heck Id get to the grocery store all smiles at that wretched job of lookin for bargains to stretch that dollar even farther just to buy that extra pack of Depends and baby wipes
See honey no matter what its always there whether its from someone else or it weasels its way back to the fore front of your mind....We be care givers
Polite hell talk about the color of the poop from that mornin or how many days it took you to get him to produce that poop that oughta clear the way for a change in conversation...well either that or clear the room and you throw your hands up in the air as if to say "What??? you wanted to know"
Ok so I can get a lil over the top when Im irritated shoot me
My real friends know what I really want and need from them and thats to ask how I am or how my H is holding up
And heck no your not bein selfish

Cheri B, I am sorry that you were not able to relax... I do think that is typical of a close community. My own is a lot larger than I believe your's to be, but there are still many questions. Few are going to respect a day out... Most will take advantage of the situation and ask impertinent questions. So what?? Say what you want to. It is such a shame that yhou evening out got busted, but it is not out of line for the people of the community to ask.

It is what they do!! Hang in sweetie.