Hello,
Just joined within the hour and wouldn't be here if not for the fact that my doctor recommended counseling and when I called to make the appt, found my health insurance does not cover "behavioral health" counseling and a session goes for $266/hr. Outrageous. Anyway, here I am and here's my story.

I take care of my 80 yr old mother, in fact, she lives with my husband and me. She and my dad came from RI to Buffalo area two yrs ago to live with us when my mother lost her sight suddenly from macular degeneration. My father had dementia and mother needed help. I was the only one 0f 6 children (and I'm a female AND the oldest) to offer help so they packed up and moved here. Within 2 weeks my father died. He just didn't want to move, kept saying he'd been here long enough and it was time to go home. Here's a strange sidebar: they moved from senior housing, apt. 7A. The number on his crypt where his ashes are interred? You guessed it, 7A. Guess he really did go home in many senses of the word.

Mother is difficult, always has been so it's no surprise but I think I expected her to be "grateful" when I brought them here. I think she is but she never shows it and is very hard on me. My own health was bad for a bit but I'm better now so maybe I'll be able to do more to de-stress but this is where I'm starting. I know she's lost her home, husband, sight, friends etc., all very recently and all at once but I just don't understand mistreating the one who is your cook, chauffer, medical advocate, reader, and more. Can anyone help me to:
a. understand this phenomenon
b. suggest some ways to blow off steam without hurting her feelings?
Thanks folks. Looking forward to getting to know you.

Howdy CM just wanted to drop in and welcome you to ECO you have found a great bunch of people cant wait to hear more from you.

cotemiller,
Please talk to your mother's doctor about help. You have to bring it up and you have to be kind of persistent and - since this is the wonderful, anonymous internet - make stuff up if you think it might make a better story.

I've had my mother in our home for a year and a half and before that for almost a year I looked after her in her apartment after her diagnosis with dementia and aortic stenosis. Last week, she was supposed to have a med check visit and I saw a couple days before that she was a little different but didn't seem really "ill." And she had a scheduled doctor's visit. So I waited till the scheduled visit.

In the office, before my eyes, she seemed to get much worse. The doctor thought she was much worse. Blood and urine tests. Monday, the doctor told me to bring her to the hospital because her kidneys were failing and her electrolytes were way out of whack. She was there 2 days and today, I got a follow up visit from the visiting nurse, who officially "admitted" her to their services and we will get a health aide twice a week for 3 - 9 weeks for an hour and a half each time to bathe her and change her. Its not much of a break for me, but its something and it was a real nice conversation with the visiting nurse, who is very sympathetic to the caregiver. She made some suggestions and told me to be sure to ask about "hospice" care because my mother seems pretty far along that it might be appropriate.

You might be lucky and get some real help for yourself. The states know that if the caregiver gives up, the elderly person goes into the nursing home at average costs in our area (New Jersey) of 6500/month and most people run through their own money very quickly so the states have the expense. Its much cheaper to help the family caregiver.

Good luck.

Cotemiller, Mom's Buddy hasbrought up good points. My own Mom has serious macular degeneration and hearing loss. She still is in her own home which is only about 30 minutes from mine. Dad died 5 years ago and oldest brother died 3 years ago. All very hard on her. She is now 92. It is very difficult to sort out what is vision and hearing loss, and what is loss of mental ability. I Know she feels so lonely at times, and she has good help, and still is at HOME. I can't tell when she just knows her way around or if she actually see's. When I take her out she seems so lost, unless it is a regular route, she "remembers" , I know she can see some. She recognizes differences in the "old neighbor hood" when we drive through. She sees bright colors, and when we pass by old gardens that she knows, she asks me to tell her what is there, I don't know what she "sees". But I know she is glad to know it is there still.
These options aren't there for you because your Mom is not in her old neighborhood. What meant something to your Mom? Flowers, color, taste?
Don't beat yourself up about this. Sometimes you just can't keep 'em happy. Getting old andhaving the senses and the world shut you out are the pits.
Keep a look out for any thing that brings a smile, and repeat it when you can. color , form, outings. It'is hard to find things to make her smile, and you should not knock yourself out about it, but if you notice something, grab hold.
Check her hearing, it kind of goes hand in hand.

Welcome cotemiller. Sounds like you have had the "jump into the deep end" introduction to eldercare!

You mentioned that your mom has macular degeneration - is she totally blind? How's she taking the move, your dad's death, etc.? Has she been evaluated for dementia? Changes like the ones your mom has been facing are awful hard on elderly folks and it is not unusual for dementia symptoms to develop from the stress of all the changes. If you haven't done so already, please ask her doc about an inpatient geriatric psych workup. It usually takes a couple of weeks, but it is well worth the investment. If your mom is showing signs of dementia, talk to the doc about her behavior - there may be a med out there that will help her a little.

The unwinding of a human brain is a sad event for all concerned. Some people are pretty mellow, others verbally and physically attack their caregivers - such is the nature of brain damage. "Flat" emotional response, inappropriate responses and temper outbursts are all symptoms of minimal brain damage. Sometimes, when experiencing so many major losses in a relatively short period of time, people just can't bounce back.

Whether she is having brain trouble or just a hard time adjusting, it IS hard on a caregiver to be the recipient of all the negativity. Realize from here on out that your mother as you knew her is gone. The person before you is broken. How you communicate with her can have a lot to do with her reactions. Arguing with her, talking back when she fusses, etc. just don't work well in cases like this. Change the subject; if she is ragging on one thing, try to redirect her to another topic or activity. Don't ask her questions any more than you have to. Offer her choices between two things (ie. instead of, "Mom, are you hungry? What do you want to eat?" try "It's lunchtime Mom. You wanna ham sandwich or a hot dog?" Noticing little things that please her and building on those is another good way to get her to shape up. If she is grousing on and on about something, try an approach like, "After your bath, let's sit outside in your chair and listen to the birds."

The most difficult part is separating yourself from her. She is your patient. You have come full circle and are now caring for your original caregiver. Taking the mean things she says to you to heart is as unproductive as getting your feelings hurt when you tell your kid they can't go hang out at the corner and they tell you that they hate you and that you always spoil their fun! Agreeing/validating is another way to handle mean remarks, the same as you would the kid in the previous sentence. "I'm sure you do hate missing out on fun. When you feel better later, let's have some ice cream."

Glad you found your way here - we're glad to have you! Hang in there an know you are among kindred spirits. Many blessings to your for your loving care!