I think I'm suffering from depression because I drink just about every night. I can't sleep if I don't have some brandy. I have been taking care of Mother for 7 years now and it's getting old. I have developed back problems which makes it difficult for me to push her in her wheelchair. So her aide has taken over and takes her out to get her hair done and they go to dinner. My guilt level is astronomical. I've had to have shots in my back for swollen disks which didn't work. So my back hurts really badly during the winter months and ihave to sit on the floor. Because I'm single, my whole life has been submerged in mother. She's perfectly sane and so I can't put her in the nursing home with all the Alzheimer's patients. By the time she dies, which won't be soon, I'll be a confirmed alcoholic. My only hope is to die before she does. What bliss! No more worrying,no more being hyper-vigilant about lack of blood, no more handling low blood sugar, TIAs, colon cancer, heart attacks, no more home health nurses and aides disturbing my life. I'm really tired and depressed. But I'll get over it, maybe.

Sorry wootito, Thanks for jogging my memory. Now I remember, we gave you a welcome back in Dec. , after a series of outages, and then a few more. So glad you didn't give up. It seems thing are getting harder. I guess that is how it happens. Hang on, we are here. BTW, we might be able to guide you back in if you remember your old screen name and get your senior status (for what that means)back. PM MB, BG, Or me, if you want that. That goes for any other readers who have lost info over time, and trying to get back in.. Reregister and send a SOS. Don't know unless we try.

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I'm going to make an appt. with my doc to see about depression this week. It's interfering with work and I'm pretty sick of drinking. It just makes me feel bad. I am seriously considering putting mother in a nursing home, not because she needs it, but because I do. Guilt, guilt, guilt.

Awwww, woot... {{{HUGS}}} I hope the doc can help you get back on track. The stresses of everyday life are awesome enough, let alone adding caregiving for a LO in your home on top of it all. PLEASE give yourself a break AND some credit - we can only do what we can do and when caregiving threatens to drag us under, something has to change... Maybe captains go down with their ships, but not this one!! That's what lifeboats are for!!

I soooo understand and applaud your efforts to make some changes for yourself 'cause without you, the whole thing goes up in smoke! I've often said that I think guilt is one of the most useless of all human emotions! All it does is make us feel bad, angry, etc. and becomes a circle of misery. You've been fighting the good fight for quite a while now... it's NORMAL that it's wearing on you!! I dunno about you, but my promise to my mom was that I would take care of her until she died or I could no longer do so, whichever came first. I try not to feel guilty about what I don't have to give; rather I try to focus on what I have given and continue to give. Not fair to simply acknowledge the things we wish we could be "better" about without giving at least equal time to the things we are GREAT at doing!

Hang in there and be good to yourself, willya?

There should not be any guilt when you realize what's best for your mother and for YOU!

CGing is a huge job 24/7! It's not for everyone. But even the NH will still need to be closely monitored by you to be sure your mother is treated well and to monitor her progress.

Be gentle with yourself.

Actually I've been part of this forum for at least 5 years. I'm not new. The forum went down for awhile and I couldn't find it. So I think I'm a senior member though I appear to be a junior. Thanks for the advice. I'm going to make an appt. with my doc to see about depression this week. It's interfering with work and I'm pretty sick of drinking. It just makes me feel bad. I am seriously considering putting mother in a nursing home, not because she needs it, but because I do. Guilt, guilt, guilt.

Dear wootito,
Welcome. I've also use late nights for the time to myself. I used to drink "a little" ha-ha, to fall asleep even though I was on anti depressant meds. What happened to me is exactly what you are going through.
Plain and simple my doc told me NOT to drink.
"Alchohol is a depressant, so why are you taking antidepressants?"
Have the doc prescribe a sleep aid. It's safer and won't mess with your mind believe it or not.

wootito, I have had to bide my time a bit to give you a welcome to ECO. I guess your problems strike a little too close to home. I don't take meds for depression, Nothing I take regularly, carries any warning about alcohol. Still, I want a drink and have one, far more than is healthy, wise, or safe. I understand about chronic pain, although Mine is minor. I know about not being able to sleep. My father was an alcoholic, but it didn't kill him. He was past 87 and a non-Hodgkins lymphoma of the spine did him in. Not sure, but I think he quit drinking about age 70. He stayed fairly sharp.

Oldest Bro had very real reason for depression, but he had been a drinker since high school and alcohol was his drug of choice. He managed his bills, never got a ticket, no problem with the law, many people truely loved him, but he found no comfort and there was no way in for us. He died 4 years ago at age 58. It was the result of drinking, of feeling entitled to depression.. shutting out people who loved him. I miss him. My Mom misses him.

I want to reach out for your hand.. It would be a wonderful thing to walk out of this tunnel together. Being a caregiver for my Mom has increased my need for a drink and also made it so wrong to drink. I want it, need it, can't have it...

Very few of us take good care of ourselves and if any one ever deserved good care, it is us. PM me anytime. I don't take the "$1,000 deck of cards" with me to Mom's often, so I can't promise instant response, but vent all you want. Maybe I need to talk to my PCP about meds.

Wootie, I am so glad to hear you're feeling better. I hope that you'll follow through and not only take the bull by the horns on the med & drinking issues, but that you will take heart! When we bump our heads against a situation which we cannot change nor control, what we can always change is our own attitudes. I hope that this weekend you find some time for yourself and do something that you really enjoy, no matter how small! Have a great one and let us know how things are with you and your mom when you have time. {{{{HUGS}}}}

Speaking of drinking.I recall a few times I had a drink, thinking it would make me relax and feel better.My body cannot tolerate it.It does nothing but make my body get hot and I walk a crooked line.My head goes more fuzzy then it allready is.
Maybe that is good because it is easy to want something to ease the pain and stress.
Many turn to food .So many things tried to help us deal with emotions.

Fifteen is a long time to be on one meds of this kind.I took zolof for 4 years.Then it reversed its self.The doctor informed me it is usually good for 4 years.I have been on Paxil for 3 years.The doctor tried me on another , new one but after three days I became a bitch, not a female dog either.I was short tempered , etc.So went back on Paxil and she increased the dose to 30 mgs.
Hope you find the answer to help you with the emotions.Boy , do I know what you feel.

Mae-- I've been on Zoloft for about 15 years since my heart surgery. I had depression after open heart surgery which is pretty normal. But I may need to change pills, so I'll talk to my doctor about it. One reason I drink is that I stay up real late so I can have some time alone. Lately I just stay in my room and leave the rest of the house to mother except when she wrecks something. I come out and clean up. Still, I've had major depression twice and this sure looks like it again. Thanks for reminding me to take care of myself for a change.

MB-- Thanks so much. I don't feel as depressed today, but you are right. I think I'll see my doctor. The thing is that I didn't drink at all until a couple of years ago when the stress was causing me to lose sleep. So I started drinking brandy which puts me to sleep very well. However, I now drink 3 brandies rather than the 1 I used to drink. So it's time to do something about it. Thanks so much for your help.

wootito, you are not alone when it comes to depression, anxiety, all other emotions that caregivers experience.
I take Paxil which is my choice to help.I too have buldging disks from my years of caregiving and the lifting etc .I did go to therapy which was a blessing.I refused to get the shot.Knew it would stop the pain and I would do more physical dities then I should do.I exercise at home and that helps.
MB has given you her insight into turning to drinking to ease pain, etc.
You cannot allow guilt to run your life.It will destroy you and have to go above and beyond what you are able.
I would suggest you talk with your doctor about an antidepresant.I was a caregiver for over 10 years.I know the feelings you are dealing with.The meds helped plus I was able to get aides that gave me time away from the situation.
Also talking with people about your feelings hhelps so much.Each of us have traveled that road.We all came to gether at this forum and stayed the course together.
You do not want to rely on something that can destroy you in the end.
Find time to get out of the house.Do not take each day serious.You are human and not a robot.
I also have discovered if I do not eat a balanced dietI get depressed , etc.I am learning so much about my own body after tending to others

WOOTITO, WELCOME!
Seven years is a LOOOONG time! I can VOUCH for that personally! If your mom does not have dementia, she can be left alone for a while so that you can get out of the house for some respite, a movie, etc. It sounds like you sorely need a vacation from eldercare. Have you looked into respite care so that you could take a vacation? Do you have sibs or other relatives who could help you get away for a bit?

Just because you are single doesn't mean your life has to totally revolve around eldercare, especially if you are caring for someone who is mentally intact! Take an evening class, go out with some friends, whatever gets you away from it for a little while. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about - you do have a LIFE and it is not only okay for others to "spell" you - it's necessary!!

I too have been caring for Mom for the past 7 years, six of which she's been bedridden with vascular dementia. I soooo understand the violations of privacy, the constant "on-call" 24/7 feeling, etc. but ya gotta balance those things with a little "normality" every now and then! While I have a husband and two adult sons, they don't help with Mom much, so I am still a shut-in!

I have had my own difficulties with alcohol - totally quit for 6 years and only drink occasionally these past 7 years. One thing I can tell you for sure: it's easier to cope without booze than it is with it. Brandy, beer, excellent margaritas once in a while are enjoyable; but every night and they start whispering lies in your ears. If you are to the point where you can't sleep without a drink, that's trouble and dependency. When you say "some brandy" are we talking about one drink or more? If it's more and you can't "snap" out of this funk or stop drinking at night, some counseling may be in order to help you deal with some of the issues that you are masking with alcohol.

Chronic stress is robbing you and you can't ignore it, or by the time your mom passes, it'll be YOU worrying about YOUR OWN blood sugar, colon cancer, TIAs and heart attacks!!
Whatever the situation, things have become overwhelming for you and that's NOT a good thing! Please take action and get some professional help! Caregiving isn't supposed to kill the caregiver! Hang in there and keep us updated!

MANY blessings to you for all that you have done for your mom and best wishes for some care to find its way to YOU.