FROM THE NATIONAL FAMILY CAREGIVERS ASSOCIATION

10 T I P S F O R
F A M I L Y
C A R E G I V E R S

1 Caregiving is a job and respite is
your earned right. Reward yourself
with respite breaks often.

2 Watch out for signs of depression,
and don’t delay in getting professional
help when you need it.

3 When people offer to help, accept
the offer and suggest specific things
that they can do.

4 Educate yourself about your loved
one’s condition and how to communicate
effectively with doctors.

5 There’s a difference between caring
and doing. Be open to technologies
and ideas that promote your loved
one’s health.

6 Trust your instincts. Most of the
time they’ll lead you in the right
direction.

7 Caregivers often do a lot of lifting,
pushing, and pulling. Be good to your
back.

8 Grieve for your losses, and then
allow yourself to dream new dreams.

9 Seek support from other caregivers.
There is great strength in knowing you
are not alone.

10 Stand up for your rights as a caregiver.

MERRWID, your note helped me so much. After he is done with whatever has set him off, our relationship seems somehow so much sweeter. And I appreciate so much more those good times aafter we have been through the bad. Thank you so much.

Remember how you had to adjust to each other when you were first together and learing?
Some things took a whole lot of getting used to, didn't they? Every day from now on is going to be just like that. On the minus side, yes it is very disheartening to see the person you love do a rapid 180 personality change and spiral downward. On the plus side, every time he wakes, you're a whole new person to him, too.
He may forget your name, he may forget that you are his wife. But even when he's screaming his head off, resenting the fact he can no longer do what he used to, he is aware that you are always by his side; you are the one who brings him comfort and joy. He may not be able to put a name to the emotion, but he will know he is loved.
(And THEN you go into the bathroom, turn the water on full force and scream amd weep your own head off into a big bath towel!)

Big hug (((farm girl))) Do you know why he is experiencing dementia? Hang in there sweetie. Adjust your expectations. He is still there.

These tips are just what I need right now. I am still grappling with the idea of dementia and the loss of much companionship that I cherished. Becoming a caregiver instead of a wife is disheartening and I need to learn how to cope better than I am doing at the moment.

Don't give up hope. When my mom was widowed after sixty years in a happy marriage, we were sure she wouldn't make it long after. And for the first six months, it was touch-and-go. But she rallied and now she's doing very well. I suspect she has years ahead of her yet. I hope so, anyway! :-)

I dont know when we will get time for us, I know we need it.since my last posting, my MIL passed away this past Sunday,so we have been pretty busy these past few days.
My FIL has lost the love of his life and we doubt that he will make it a year, he will die of a broken heart.
out of the 3 boys,it is my DH who does the brunt of the caretaking, even though we are an hour away, when his older brother lives in the house. sad isnt it?
when my FIL passes away neither of the brothers will contribute a dime to his funeral, this poor man worked 3 jobs to support his family and had his house payed off in 7 years, he did everything for them and this is how he gets treated.My only wish is, though I am not a vengeful person that when it comes time for them to pass on,they get treated the way they treated there father.
We have to accept the things we cannot change, this I know

hello, grandmallie. Were you about ready to get a new mattress? I hope?

That's really sad for him and you, that he doesn't want to be there and no fun to have him. It really isn't easy getting old. So I guess he is now an hour away from the nursing home as well.

Since you have sibling-in-law problems you may find some very interesting threads in Family Dynamics.

Welcome aboard, my dear. We certainly are in this together and offer a listening ear to our friends in the trenches.

good afternoon all,I have just signed up here and wrote in another forum,right now my FIL is sitting in our family room,depressed and not wanting to be here, he wants to be at his house, in his bed.I wish we could do that for him, but he is not stable on his feet and cant really care for himself, his sister came over to take him to visit my MIL at the hospital and he was in a hurry and tripped down the front stairs and dislocated his shoulder. so his sister took him for one night, and we have him for the weekend,he has prostate problems, wont wear a depends and is sleeping in my bed, and my whole house smells of urine, so you can image his house, and my BIL lives there, and wont do a damn thing for him, except pick up dog food and cat food.
we are mentally exsausted,have 2 BIL who dont do squat, and we live an hr away from my in laws,my MIL just went to the nrsg home, she will be there for the rest of her life,and my FIL is lost without her they have been married 60 yrs.keep up the good work, and lets all get through this together

quote:

My #1 is the hardest for me, RESPITE IS MY EARNED RIGHT, I should paint it on a board and whack myself with it when I don't listen to this advise! HA-HA

YOU GOT IT!

IT'S STILL #1---GOOD GRIEF!

Does putting the housecleaning on the bottom of the TO DO LIST count for anything?

Thanks DOCHKA, again, you are on time. I needed my check up call. I will review the list with a truly personal eye. H is doing (what any reasonable person would think) way more than his share.

Some of us don't have spouse, child, partner, good sibs,

We do the best we can and that is all we can do.

Be kind to yourselves and forgive yourselves. Being human. Yep.

OK everybody!
Here's your six month check-up!

Bobcat, not easy to try to make two people , we love, happy.What husband and wife need to be able to do is sit down and listen to one another before things come to a head.
Your hubby probably was very tired after being on the road.That is not a good time to have serious talks.We know how the mate feels as we have the same emotions.Many days we wish we had time for ourselves.To do what we want when we want.
Caregivers are torn in so many directions because their responsiblities are many.The list is never ending.
What is hard is we know we are lacking in some areas but what can one do.
I am sorry you had to hear this in such a way it digs deep into your heart.Words can be so pierceing .I am sure once hubby gets rested and you and he have that special moment for your selves he will be ok.
Not easy to try to make all our loved ones content.Many times forgetting our own needs.

Somewhere in here can we add... Do not neglect your own family. I am in a bit of mud now,,,,H feels like he is left on the back burner, and it is probably true. He works in transportation of freight, and is gone 36- 72 hours at a time and home anywhere from 36- 72 hours at a time. Who knows? Since I can't predict when he will be home, I try to keep aschedule with Mom. I got blasted tonight by Hub, and it was mostly true... and I understand the stress of HIS job. still,,,, I need to do a lot of breathing. deep, ,,in,,,out...

Make time for your spouse...I am making excuses about our schedules, but that isn't cutting it.

Docka, These are great tips to keep where you can look at them each day.I can attest that all do apply

Just bringing these tips up again.
Be good to yourselves my friends !!!

Dear Cheri,
Actually we are all new to this because with this illness it can be something new happening everyday! My #1 is the hardest for me, RESPITE IS MY EARNED RIGHT, I should paint it on a board and whack myself with it when I don't listen to this advise! HA-HA

To Dochka:

Thank you SO much for posting this. I really needed to read this today. I'm new here and relatively new to dealing with Alzheimer's. My husband was diagnosed this past March. I've printed out what you shared with us and taped it to the hutch on my computer table. It's going to become my "Mantra" and "first thing in the morning" reading. Again, thank you so much!!!

Cheri B
BC - Canada

Edwina, everything you went through to care for your Mom was absolutely necessary, but it was not normal. Bless your friend for taking you out to lunch.