...and it's spilling all over the place. In the "old days" I was easygoing. I rolled with the punches with the best of them.

I never in my wildest dreams thought caregiving would turn me into the "B" word. I see myself morphing into a screaming, cursing, frazzled-haired harridan. Nothing calms me.

Here's an example: I work the late shift 2 nights a week. I don't get home until after 9PM. Hubby and Mom stay up and prepare dinner for me so I don't have to worry about it. I enter the kitchen, and instead if being happy and relieved that they thought of me, I automatically go beserk because the kitchen's a mess. That, in turn, sends the dogs into a yowling tizzy, which, in turn, sends Mom over the edge. Somehow we manage to wolf down dinner in between trying to calm down everyone.

I go beserk because the house is a mess. I've been told time and again that I can't expect hubby to play househusband in addition to looking after Mom . Intellectually I understand that; however, my automatic reaction is to scream bloody murder at the piles of paper and such, Mom's stuff that she rummages though (don't ask about her bedroom), the dirty clothes in a heap in the bathroom, whatever.

I go beserk because I can't vent because the minute I come home, hubby starts venting, and he can't stop long enough to listen to me vent. Can't get a word in edgewise about work -- I was recently denied a promotion because of Mom -- so we end up either fighting or storming off into our own separate world.

I go beserk because <i>I honestly don't want to spend any more time with Mom than necessary, and I feel bad because I don't feel guilty.</i> I can't take watching this once intelligent, strong-willed woman deteriorate day by day. I go beserk because she never told me anything about the household finances, how to do this or that, nothing. I DON'T HAVE THE TIME NOR THE ENERGY BECAUSE IT'S EXPENDED AT WORK. Yet she cries when she sees me because, as always, I'm her "only reason for living". Gimme a break. WHY AM I THE CENTER OF YOUR ENTIRE UNIVERSE???

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

EEEk! EM! Say this baby...
"Im gonna say this one time and one time only...back the hell up off me, clean this mess and dont EVEN think about starting with me!"
Now didnt that feel good?!
Dam it I still have a headache from getting so dam mad! Motrin here I come...wait a second Ill be right back...
Ok I got my motrin...
Hey EM I walked out last week trust me that felt so good. Shake it up a little. Grab your keys and go out with a friend for a few hours.

You know what I'm really afraid of? I'm afraid that her paranoia/anger/whatnot will go full throttle if hubby and/or I drastically change anything around here. Hubby's been after me some months now to rearrange/organize stuff (most of it is his and Mom's -- the two biggest packrats who've ever lived), get rid of this, no, don't you dare touch that, etc. "Fine," I'll say, "then why don't YOU do it?" He won't because "it's YOUR MOM'S HOUSE." As much as Mom's "out there", she also can be quite aware a lot of the time, and if anyone, including me, tries to rearrange or get rid of anything, WHAM! She came thisclose to smacking me the other night because I threw out a bunch of used tissues on her nightstand.

Argh, just typing this makes my BP rise...

'm sooo tempted to gather up some minimal stuff, put Ember of her leash, and drive somewhere without letting anybody know. The two of them can do whatever the hell they want. How many times do I have to scream "I'M SO FREAKING TIRED BECAUSE I WORK 50+ HOURS A WEEK!"? "I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS/THAT BECAUSE I WORK 50+ HOURS A WEEK!"? Mind you, it was our choice for me to be the breadwinner because hubby's much more geared to hands-on caregiving than I am, whether it's Mom or his mom or whoever. He was quite happy to leave his job to do it, and "grateful" doesn't even describe how I feel that he chose to essentially give up his life to take care of her.

Anyway, I've got to run and rescue her yet again from ripping out yet another magazine picture. Drives me nuts. WHenever I hear paper being torn anywhere it makes me want to go EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

quote:

Originally posted by Mar:
When I moved upstairs into the master bedroom and moved my mom next door to my son's old bedroom I had to throw out all her furniture. Actually my son and next door neighbor (14 at the time) had a tossing party out the window. It smelled like POOP from years of her hiding the stuff and let's just say I guess I didn't get it all. Anyway BG, too bad we can't have one week with mom and mil and the next week you get both. That way we'd at least have a week off and they can sit and yell at each other!! I had new neighbors move in and had to tell them to ignore the screams coming from the house. Mom use to go to the window and bang on it and yell HELP...HELP. Unreal. Anyway here's a big {{{{{{HUG}}}}}} and I hope today is a bit better.

Oh God Mar! I thought my mil was the only one who did that! I have never in my life seen this behavior! And when the social worker was here she asked what she was yelling about...OK how the hell do I know?! And why should that matter the fact is she does it! these people need to stop asking the stupid questions! Really! I mean seriously whether shes yelling at a tv or a sock its not normal! Mar if we put these 2 together I think I would take video of that my mil would probably be sweet and nice to yours But Ide pay good money to see your mom yell a my MIL! lol! Im sorry Im twisted this morning my heart needs to laugh today badly! so if Im a little off its my sense of humor trying to come back on line before its too late!!

quote:

Originally posted by gypsy:
Can we trade right now before any more calamities? I want a bath but am afraid to have one when he is so restless. When ya wanna trade???? Gypsy

Aww Baby Ill trade with you! I promise she'll be really good! She always is with everyone else just not me. this morning tries to act like nothing happend but not before slamming the door so hard as to wake me up just for good measure! Dam woman! I am so stressed from the door slamming I swear she does it one more time today youll all hear later on how I took off the doors to her room and the bathroom (Huh! Didnt think Ide leave the bathroom door on did you?!) oh no one way to skin a cat is to nip it in the bud! She goes to the bathroom when my hubby is there and doesnt close the door all the way (If you ask me ...Kinda sick) so hubby will have no choice but to close the office door or just not go upstairs!

When I moved upstairs into the master bedroom and moved my mom next door to my son's old bedroom I had to throw out all her furniture. Actually my son and next door neighbor (14 at the time) had a tossing party out the window. It smelled like POOP from years of her hiding the stuff and let's just say I guess I didn't get it all. Anyway BG, too bad we can't have one week with mom and mil and the next week you get both. That way we'd at least have a week off and they can sit and yell at each other!! I had new neighbors move in and had to tell them to ignore the screams coming from the house. Mom use to go to the window and bang on it and yell HELP...HELP. Unreal. Anyway here's a big {{{{{{HUG}}}}}} and I hope today is a bit better.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Bunnys_grl:
Ok EM just so you know I hit the wall 2 hours ago and finally decided to get this one the H*** out of my system before I take myself to a level I cant come back from!
Does someone want an aged little old lady that can be cute if she wants (just not to me) Please take her before I .........(Janie where is the convulsive button when you need it)(you know the one that lets everyone know how freaked out a person really
is!)
Have you every watched "trading spouses"? Maybe we should have a "trading caregivers." Mike had a good day with the HS workers and PT today. (like an excellent day) He seemed to shut down for me though. Our regular HS worker for this PM respite and bedtime tonight is on holidays this week. Both the ones they sent have been here before but the bedtime one leaves alot to be desired(part of it is how seldom he has been here and he hasn't been trained to do the exercisees. Anyway about 20 min after the worker left Mike was restless-when I went in the bedroom he had made a deposit in his depends-he has been quite good lately so it surprised me-he wouldn't answer whether it was an accident or on purpose but did have that kind of guilty look(It is the first time I have have gagged that bad cleaning up) When I took the depends out to the garbage I slammed the door(which set off the baby monitor ), took afew breaths of fresh air and came in finish putting clean depends on him. Can we trade right now before any more calamities? I want a bath but am afraid to have one when he is so restless. When ya wanna trade???? Gypsy

Ok EM just so you know I hit the wall 2 hours ago and finally decided to get this one the H*** out of my system before I take myself to a level I cant come back from!
Did I speak too soon Did I say she wasnt forgetful yet that she still had a good mind?!
Oh My Ever Loving God! That must have been wishful thinking right?! I had to hide the panties (that was innocent enough) the poop was shall we say gettin around !!! So I now have her on depends (I mean if she doesnt want to get up to get to the bathroom, depends it is for you ...right?) Yeah well we talked about this on Saturday and settled it and now it is Monday and she has forgotten why she is in depends.....All day was good except for the occasional screaming (no reason behind it just screaming out, I had to tell the neighbors Im not really killing her she just does that is all) then dinner time hits I take the food up and she jumps down my throat about throwing everything of hers out....Ok Im not prepared!!!
Set down the food and ask her to stop screaming at me and to explain what the hell shes yelling at now....OY!
Does someone want an aged little old lady that can be cute if she wants (just not to me) Please take her before I .........(Janie where is the convulsive button when you need it)(you know the one that lets everyone know how freaked out a person really
is!)
OG When will she stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Arrgghh!
There I feel better!

EM I hear you! The only thing she still has lucid moments and does remember things! Like the other day..."you throw everything of mine out" Shes refering to the way I simplified her room so there is not alot of furniture in there and because shes half blind she doesnt see the furniture in other rooms of the house. And please the kitchen after I got off last night I got ready to go to bed walked into the kitchen and there for the world to see the kitchen...a disaster zone! See its not my MIL because she cant come downstairs...its hubby and company!
Youde think they would understand you have enough to do without having to clean up after them! "oh but not to worry Hun the garage is clean!" Can I just say it kind of reminds me of a dog bringin a stick back to his master lookin like he pleased me but the drool on the stick prevents you from getting happy with him!
Ah well I just look at it this way at least we dont have those hubbys that run for the hills at the first sign of trouble (I mean after all I do need mine to change the time on the VCR or the occasional light switch mishap).....but then again does it really equal out????
I dont know call me crazy Im tossin a pie!
"Hunny can you get me a..."
splat! Ahhhhhh now that felt better!

Theres no reason why the house can't be neat when you come home with just 2 adults there, your husband and your mother. That you're feeling this way now is an OPPORTUNITY. Take it and get all the clutter cleaned out, especially in your mother's room. If she has dementia, she won't miss it in a day or 2. Get a dumpster, take a day off and move that stuff out of the house.

When I moved my mother to my home, I used her money to buy her a new bed, dresser and nightstand. She would have never done that for herself even though the old mattress was beyond "extra firm" from age and sleeping on it. The reason I did that was that I wanted the peace of mind for myself and my husband that her room was nice and clean and fresh. On her own, she would have insisted on moving all her old stuff in here and it would have made us feel upset and angry constantly that all that smelly old junk was in our house. And we have enough other things to be crabby about sometimes, like not being able to get out.

They're going to have to stop cooking dinner. Your husband will probably be just fine with a sandwich, anyway. Its probably your mother who is instigating the cooking. There are some "family" frozen foods in the supermarkets now that are really good, like lasagnas and meals with sauce in a bag. When they're on sale, I stock up. Its one pot and a few plates to clean up.

quote:

Here's an example: I work the late shift 2 nights a week. I don't get home until after 9PM. Hubby and Mom stay up and prepare dinner for me so I don't have to worry about it. I enter the kitchen, and instead if being happy and relieved that they thought of me, I automatically go beserk because the kitchen's a mess.

Tell your husband and your Mom to eat without you; that you need some "down time" after working and you will eat elsewhere. Tell them (like they don't "already know" but, tell them anyway) - that you simply, absolutely cannot and WILL NOT tolerate the kitchen clutter and to have it cleaned up before you get home!!!

Does this kitchen thing only happen on those two nights you work late? And, if your husband can't handle the housework AND Mom, any chance you could hire a housekeeper to keep things tidied up?

I understand the "center of her world" thing. I have "almost" the same situation with my mil. Oh god, if I had to LIVE with her, I'd be screaming right alongside you!

Ok EM Hooray for you for letting that out!
Im kidding I know how you feel! In fact Im right there with you! I am the same way and God help the person who brings up Dr phil! LOL! (Angel I love you.. you got me hooked on that freak now)I hate when a doctor is right!! we clean up and yell at the messes left behind from other people because it is the only thing we can control...Ok did that make you feel any better? No! Just nice to know why
Now EM say "thank you Dr Phil for teaching me that valuable lesson"
But seriously after yelling, the pain in hubbys eyes?! man dont you just wish there was a switch for your mouth? I know I do cause they really dont deserve that (just another thing to feel bad over) Im just rambling here to tell you your not alone sweetie I do and feel the same as you. I think maybe we should send our hubbys on a vaca to a spa (ok but not before we go first to *test the waters* you know )
Lets turn this into Im angry but I can still laugh......Come on Baby let me see those pearly whites! Ill tell you what! Ill get a really big picture of Doctor Phil plaster it up on a wall and we'll throw cream pies at him after spouting a "Philism"
How bout this one...
"Dont let your alligator mouth bite you in your hummingbird ass" Yup thats a Philism!
Splat! next!
************************************************
Your next EM heres your pie! (rules of engagement say something you really hate to hear
and end it with SPLAT! And go ahead and yell!
Ready Set Go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)