ORIGINALLY POSTED BY MOMS BUDDY
quote:
Guess this is just one of those days I wish I could go to the beach, and just leave it all behind.

Ahhhh, don't I KNOW that feeling! To just lie half in the water and let the waves wash my troubles away and the salt water cleanse my soul!!

Traci, we all have our moments. This is especially hard for you because this is not your mom, but your MIL. Despite years of being together, in most cases, it makes a difference in how we feel. See, with me, even though caring for Mom has been going on for a very long time now and changed my life in most outward ways, I know this woman inside and out and she, me. I mourn for many things. I mourn for having autonomy and independence. I mourn for the loss of control in my own life. I mourn for so many times when I missed something I would like to have done and for all the things I wanted to do but couldn't consider because of my primary responsibility to her. I mourn for the spontaneity in life that keeps it fresh and exciting. I mourn for her.

I've learned enough in life to know that there has to be balance in life, even under the most trying of times. When I am mourning, I still have to be honest with myself. Before caring for Mom, there were many missed opportunities. There were MANY things I could not do because of my primary responsibilities then - caring for my kid, my home, my pet companions, my friends, my work. All of those things prevented me from considering many things I would have otherwise loved to have done. I had to budget and share my time with all the people I loved and served, I had to forego things that would have been enjoyable to me for the benefit of others. I was just as resentful about not being able to go and do as I pleased then as I am now. The biggest difference is that I have one person upon whom to blame it all now, but in reality, there were always outside things that kept me shackled.

When I felt stressed and pushed then, I would center myself and realize that my life mostly was how I had chosen it to be, just as it is now - working jobs I may have hated but needed the money; missing events I sorely wanted to attend because I couldn't get a sitter (or couldn't find one with whom I felt comfortable leaving my kid). When my son came along, his father and I had to become accustomed to not being able to just pick up and go and do as we pleased. When I met his father, I had to sacrifice my independence to accommodate his needs and the constraints and responsibilities of having a home and another person in my life. Even though I loved him and willingly made room for him, I still sometimes resented the intrusion, the sacrifices, the changes. Same thing when our son was born.

None of us is very open to change and even changes for the better are stressful simply because they ARE changes. Every time I have had to adjust, to compromise, to postpone, to pass by something in life, there has always been a little resentment, but those sacrifices represented opportunities for growth in my life. I learned patience. I learned understanding. I learned how to bite my tongue and listen to another's point of view. I learned to weigh things for ultimate good and the goals upon which I focused. I learned to keep my eye on the prize. I learned that many of the roadblocks in my life were put there by none other than yours truly. I chose them. I would LIKE to have been able to blame them on someone else, but they represented the responsibilities and commitments that I took on, that I found valuable and worthy. When I allowed myself to realize that no matter WHO was in my life, or WHAT I was doing, that I actually DO run the show, I felt more centered. The irritants I chafed about were the ones I allowed, the things that simply went with the territory.

Caregiving is no different. It is service of another kind, but service nonetheless. It was a choice. No one made me do it. The decision was mine alone and no one could have compelled me to make the decision just the same as no one could have forced me to marry or to become a mother.

Everything changes. That's the ONE thing we can count on absolutely in life. When big changes happen, it is never all smooth sailing. Heck, if I won the lottery, it wouldn't all feel good... I would have to deal with the changes that would bring to my life.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Do you know how many concerts I have missed? How many musicians and performances I would have TREASURED seeing that will never come again? I am not just talking about the past 7 years - I am talking about in my whole LIFE! I trust in the goodness of the universe and the power of it. If I miss out on something, I know that there must have been a good reason and I make a peace with it as quickly as I can, because right, wrong or indifferent - that is past and there is no way to change it.

I count every day that I awaken alive and bitchin' as a good day. I know that uncomfortable times will go by just as they have in the past and that new challenges, pleasures and trials await me. Sometimes I do have to postpone things, but perhaps the reason I set them aside was ultimately more important than the things I would have preferred.

We ALL have our moments of selfish thoughts, of one-sided thinking, of rattling the bars. Just like the happy, joyful times, those dark thoughts and petty issues have their place in me. I cannot help having such - I am human - but I try not to feed them as misery only begets more misery. Negativity feeds on negativity. I want to attract positive energy to my life so my task above all else is to keep myself centered and my thoughts and goals positive in nature. The less time I allow myself to spend wringing my hands, the more those hands can accomplish. I have days when my attitude just plain sucks. I try to adjust my attitude as quickly as possible so as not to lose any more time to negativity as possible. I let the bad stuff go as quickly as possible. The more I brood about it, the worse I feel. I remember my mom's wise (but frequently irritating) words: Get busy. Do something. I have a choice on whether to look at the world through my rose colored glasses or my sh*t covered ones... When I look at my life from the perspective of all the bad aspects, guess what? All I see is bad, bad and more bad. And all I feel is worse, worse and worser!!

Negative thinking is a bad habit and like all habits, it CAN be broken. None of us can control having feelings, but we CAN control what we do with them. Like a mangey, sick, needy stray dog - if ya don't want it around, infecting your other creatures and life, DON'T FEED IT! Let it wander away from you, let the neighbors take it in, take it to the shelter, etc. But do NOT feed it if ya don't want it.

I hope that by airing your grievances that you have blown off the stink so that you can enjoy all the joys and blessings that are always there to feed and nurture you.

Have a good one, dear.