As we stumble along this long journey together, I have heard some common complaints and anxieties, not only in what's written here at ECO, but in my own head.

Issues that give me difficulty with caregiving are honestly not new ones to me - they were there before, but they really have begun to make themselves known during this time.

Control issues are important common problems. Perfectionism and caregiving are a recipe for a trip to the funny farm. We see our faults and weak points soooo clearly in this scenario. There is never enough time; there is never enough sleep; there is never enough time off.

"Letting go" has been a difficult issue in life for me - it's really screamin' now... Likewise, setting and focusing on reasonable goals has always been a tough one.

It's always easier to find external sources to blame for my misery than my own actions... Focusing on how little others help or support us only adds insult to injury and probably isn't the real issue at all... Why AREN'T they all clairvoyant anyway? People should KNOW what I need, right? Do I have to tell them EVERYTHING?

Spending time fuming over how someone else is conducting their life is a sure fire way to let myself off the hook and get absolutely NOTHING accomplished! I can't change anything about those around me, but I CAN change my own attitudes and behaviors!

Sometimes, I allow myself to fall into a pattern of reaction, instead of taking action. I think the current parlance is being "proactive", but in these parts it's more commonly called "letting the tail wag the dog" when I should be "taking the bull by the horns."

Because this is such a deeply personal and emotional journey for all of us, we think our dispair sometimes is because of caregiving, but actually, I think (at least in my case), my issues are the same as they always were, only turned up a few decibels and colored with florescent markers!

As I have wrestled with the caregiving issues, I began to wonder if I wasn't barking up the wrong tree. Instead of focusing on the issues of caregiving, perhaps I would make better headway keeping my nose to the grindstone on those lifelong issues with which I struggle.

So that's what I have been doing: trying to focus on MY life more. My experiment has not been going on long enough to report solid findings, but I will tell y'all that I feel better - less despondent and jerked around. Instead of blaming my feelings du jour on being housebound or scattered in too many directions, I have been trying to remember to spend some time thinking and taking action about MY life instead of Mom's - they ARE different!

Anyway, just thought I would share my mental ramblings and see what y'all think...

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How do you focus on only one (yourself) when there is so much more to it than that?

BG, honestly, it IS just as simple as that. My mother's infirmity is NOT the cause of my difficulties in life - they were long established before I took on the task of caring for her. Someone else's guilt or ego or poor work ethic is not mine with which to deal - it is theirs. Sure, they can try to make a problem for me, but if I spend my energy going under, over, around or through them (or avoiding them in the first place), it works out better than if I try to force them to do what's right (IMHO). Caring about others doesn't mean not caring for oneself - it isn't an "either/or" situation. I care for myself so that I CAN care for others!

It's a change of my attitude and focus - the ONLY place where I really have any control whatsoever!

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I believe the biggest challange has been knowing that the JOB is terminated by death. In so many ways, I have to let go of the notion that this relates to FAILURE.

Yep. If they are fallin' apart or declining, it MUST be because we aren't doing enough, right? It's because we don't have enough help - that's it! But people spiral down and out with whole TEAMS of people around them serving their needs 24/7. I mean, what part of "progressive" and "terminal" is not understood? DUH!! It's a mind-bender and catches most of us more often than we'd like to admit!

An old song tells us to "keep your eye on the prize, hold on, hold on!" Wise words, those.

MB, since I took on this job, I believe the biggest challange has been knowing that the JOB is terminated by death. In so many ways, I have to let go of the notion that this relates to FAILURE.
I will do the best I can. You can't force someone to live beyond their day, and it would not be "kind" to do so. That is not the goal here. The goal is to make sure all needs are met, love is made known, comfort and ease are paramont. You do this, there are no regrets.

Let the goal get out of sight, then, the wrench gets in the works.
Is the hard part really seeing our own future?

Truth MB you said a mouthful here. We are in most cases over critical with ourselves adding way more to our plate than there needs to be.
I just wish that wasnt the case...
How do you focus on only one (yourself) when there is so much more to it than that? Like that dang bull! Grab him
Lately its getting to a point when its hard to breath sometimes...just dealing with little annoyances like doctors and nurses husbands and the like... ACK these are the very things that are suppose to make your life easier not harder...self centered egotistical people (lets not forget guilt ridden hunny's ) keep cropping up throwing a wrench in the day (I will not say well laid plans theres no such thing)
You find yourself retreating for a moment just to survive the day... In that moment I try to laugh, without laughter a day is wasted...at least to me... I guess we all have our ways of coping...
At the end of each of our journeys we all will have benefited from each others wisdom here, this much I know.
I think in a way we are all blessed to have been brought together here.

Moms Buddy, you are so right! Especially about being controlling and perfectionistic while caregiving. I sure was well on my way to the funny farm yesterday

That quote from T.S. Eliot in my signature is not wisdom that I have mastered...it's my mantra. It's there to remind me that I am NOT in control of how all this turns out, only in how I handle the *trying* part. Maybe one day I'll really get it

Then there's, "taking the bull by the horns." Oh, but I certainly do plenty of that...it's just that I often choose the wrong bull to pick on! Not only do I want everybody happy, everything nice and neat, everybody healthy and pursuing worthy goals...but I want it yesterday and I figure I'm the gal who can make it all happen! (I know...the obvious question here would be, "who made me God?")

If I am able to be mindful; that is, to live fully in every millisecond I am so graciously given, and not allow my monkey-mind to run amok in every possible direction it pleases at 100 mph...I fair much better. (And those around me probably suffer less, too ) THAT is the bull with my name on it

Lo! How thou hast waxeth poetic...AND HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD at the same time:

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my issues are the same as they always were, only turned up a few decibels and colored with florescent markers!

You have spoken well, Grasshoppah

Moms Buddy...what a healthy attitude you have there. There is nothing you can do to CHANGE your mom or others involved. Believe me I tried for almost 9 years. Taking care of yourself and doing things for you will make you feel more alive and as much as an important person in all of this that you are. Letting go is hard, I'm not going to fool you but in the long run you will find it better. I had to do that when I found certain people were making me sick to the point of well just say I was headed downhill fast. I had to let go and realise they were not going to change. Like you I set a simple goal of going back to reading and doing crafts. I only involved my brother when I NEEDED to go away, like a wedding or other important event. You said it well when you said it's your life and not your mom's. Good luck MB. I know you can do this and take things day by day and you'll be fine. You are a strong person and need be kind and to give to yourself like you have gave/give to your mom.