Well someone told me to start a new thread so thats what im doing.
thank you for all your help with everything else.
My FIL is driving us all crazy.the eldery neighbor bought him boxers,which is a NO NO because he urinates all over himself and doesnt change, he told everyone he wont wear depends, and doesnt take showers, he does sponge baths, the house is disgusting with the smell of urine,and the kicker is my BIL lives there .
myself,my aunt ,and my ex SIL are the ones that do laundry, his pills, and food, he shooed away meals on wheels 3 times, and its driving us all bonkers.My BIL is living in the house and is the supposed caretaker and doesnt do a damn thing, he relies on everyone else, he doesnt even talk to his father.
have a call in to the elder department here in the state.

if I new how to post a pic of the picnic I would but my FIL was there, his sister brought him, my ex SIL got him out and they bombed the house for flea's, put frontline on the one remaining cat, and Molly(the dog), so hopefully the flea problem is taken care of.No depends on FIL yesterday he did smell like pee but think he kept dry the whole time he was there.I did get a couple of #'s for home health aides, and did her my aunt talking to my BIL and his Ex about installing a walk in shower, that would solve a whole lot of problems.
I dont know what it is about me but my FIL asked at least 3 times if I was comming over thursday,he loves the way I make ham sandwiches,
now all I do is take wonder bread,spreadable butter, and ham and put them together , but he loves em(go figure) well hey at least I can make him happy with something
so we will take this a day at a time, and my DH goes over on tuesdays and we go once on the weekends, and I go every other thursday, Iris takes care of most of the dinners and my aunt helps alternate weeks, so we take it as we go

gm, I had a reply prepared but lost it. I really hope the aunt (that is FIL's sister, right) can help. Certainly she is concerned. I can guess FIL will not be at the picnic? Of course you don't want this coming between you and your DH, but if he is relying on you to go to his father's house to help out, then he should accept tht it IS your business when you see neglect. Ideas of proper hygiene can vary greatly and smelly doesn't mean fatal, but no meals and skipping meds is another story on which I think we all agree.

Is DH hoping that this situation will bring about some miracle and snap BIL out of whatever is wrong with him? Ain't likely to happen. If he doesn't want you involved there are a few choices.

Ignore him and do as you see fit,

Stop ALL involvement and pretend you don't care, (going on strike can be effective but is always risky)

Or, Same o, same o. (I really doubt this will happen for long)

How often does DH go to see FIL?, does he communicate with his brother at all?

I really hope Aunt can spark an intervention that brings about some relief for this spot you are stuck in.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bobcat,

going to the picnic today after work, will fill you in on what happens.

To quote you, "he urinates all over himself and doesnt change, he told everyone he wont wear depends, and doesnt take showers, he does sponge baths, the house is disgusting with the smell of urine,and the kicker is my BIL lives there ."

Grandmallie, maybe your hubby is WRONG about not wanting to call someone!! Maybe it's a "guy thing." I don't know.

I do know that your FIL's two sons are basically refusing to take care of their father (or intervene on the behalf of his well-being, which my sis and I did with our mom for years), from what you've said. I truly wish my sis and I had intervened sooner with our crazy mom. She was just so independent and demanding at the time.

What did your aunt say at the picnic today? I hope she agreed to make some phone calls.

ok got a few #'s to call, and my DH doesnt want me to call, I really am at my wits end, this is his father we are talking about, but he doesnt want me to get involved,he said this is his brothers thing to handle, but I said im the one going over every other week to do all this stuff,he isnt cleaning himself, the house is disgusting,
I am going to a family picnic tommorow without the DH will talk to my aunt and give her the numbers maybe she can call, I just am stuck between a rock and a hard place

Granmallie, I think that the asistance from elder services is essential because many times, relatives or friends cannot get through to them or control their behavior.

If the person with whom he resides is not taking proper care of him, they will either have to allow home health and other aides & family to do so, or he will have to go to a facility for care. Getting a social worker from elder services involved will hopefully help you and your family resolve the issues of his care.