Sometimes, I think I am just the ultimate caregiver. Why, because I am the best? Because I do everything right? No - but its my personality, to care for my children, my family, and to put everyone's needs ahead of mine.

I feel like I am ready to bust - and we all know that is a time to DO something. But do what?

I think there are personal lessons for me to learn - and the solution is not to put mom in an assisted living situation. She really isn't "that" much trouble.

Its hard to talk to my sisters (they live quite a distance away) because they were against me taking mom into the house to begin with. I am afraid I will get the "I told you so..I told you it would be too much."

Its not just her - its my husband, and kids, too. My life, my needs always take second place. I am no hedonist - obviously. I don't know how to express my needs/wants in a healthy way. So I either eat too much, or bottle things up, and then get a little too irked with my husband, because I don't have a life, so to speak.

If my husband wants to watch TV in the evening, because he's had a rough day, but I really need to talk to him about something, I let him watch TV, because that is what a good wife does.

If mom wants me to watch TV with her, but I really want to enjoy my cup of coffee or breakfast alone, I sit with her anyway.

My adult kids come into town (which I love), then I am now "the hostess," chef, and my weekend or week revolves around them.

Yes, I am the ultimate caregiver - I am a very nurturing person. I like to do that, I am good at that. But it only goes so far.

I highly recommend the book, "Fault Lines," by Ann Rivers Sidons. Its a fictional book about a middle age woman who is taking care of her mother in law with alzheimers. Her husband is a busy physician, who "expects" her to take care of her MIL, even though the MIL is wrecking havoc in the home, and their teenage daughter is becoming anorexic with all the stress of having grandma live with them.

I can't give it all away, but after a doosey of an episode with the MIL, the caregiver runs away to California (thus "Fault Lines" - ie a subplot about earthquake activity that she gets caught in.) She should have known her limits, she should have voiced her limits, she should have seen how it was effecting the whole family. Its a happy ending, like most books - but the husband and wife had a lot to learn, and a lot of healing for the daughter.

Anyway - I'm not running away from home, but I've been thinking about this book that I actually read a couple years ago.

Last night, my teenage daughter was bragging that she shoveled snow for about four hours, and my mom said, "That's because you're so LITTLE!" (She's very sensitive about her 5' height at 15 years of age.) Mom continues, "Did you shovel with a teaspoon?"

I think sometimes, dealing with dementia is like a dripping faucet. It's never one thing, its never a big deal, but its a constant wearing away. She asked me 3 times within an hour how many prescriptions we were picking up. She couldn't count out $160 in 20 dollar bills for the life of her.

I read somewhere that dealing with dementia is like Chinese Water Torture - whatever that is.

The little comments, the forgetfulness, little issues, daily.

A couple days ago, I had to have a "talk" with mom about the fact that I would really appreciate it if she would flush the toilet when she was done! She wants to "save water," and thinks she can give it another "pee" before flushing. She forgets to carry her depends to the trash, and her room smells. She wanted to return a pair of pants for the SECOND time, that she she already hemmed, and they almost laughed at her the first time. At the bank, she tried to cash a xeoroxed copy of a $14,000 check! Fortunately, the teller has a great sense of humor, and has come to "know" mom, and we all laughed that now we couldn't go on our cruise.

Like a dripping faucet.

So I am asking myself, what changes do I need to make in the situation? What changes do I need to make - personality wise - assertiveness wise?

Sorry if I have vented too much. As you can see, I am not dealing with life and death issues. Although in less than 2 weeks, 88 y/o mom is having a bilateral knee replacement, and then I will be in for a real "ride" again.

Lord, give me strength.

Java junkie, we are listening and know what you are feeling.We woman feel we always have to put our needs and wants on the back burner.A behavior well taught and we were good pupils.I thought I was super woman and my job was to please all and vare for them at my expense.I forgot that I would get older and another asked me who ever told me I was responsible for everyone.

javajunkie
I can relate to most of what you are going through ..sisters..
Yes you can do it ..just remember we are here for you ..
As gabgan says Just a closer walk ..one day at a time ..and yes God will give you strength..he nevers leaves us but at times we forget about him ...
bec

I don't think I am suppose to reply to this..I wrote a whole page and lost it. Oh well

Find time for yourself...get mom out of house to respit care or to senior citizen group and go off and do what you WANT. Not what you need to be doing.
Tell hubby to give you five minuets each day to let you vent and then he can watch tv the rest of the evening. Be sure to set a timmer so you dont' go over.
If you don't already attend, go to a Alz support group...if you can't find one.. start one. Having others to talk to is so very important. It is good to vent here but you can use a shoulder to lean on sometimes. Computers are not soft enough.

As for sisters..ask them to take mom for a week or so and let you have some time off. My sisters live across the state and used to take my mom for a few days. I would usually run off and go to my unmarried son's who is in military and clean his house but at least it was different. Plus hubby and I got some time alone together.
Don't sweat the things she does with banking and such..write them down, you may have a very funny book someday. Get your daughter to see the humor in what grandma says and not take things personally. It is after all the disease that makes them say and do things they never would otherwise.

Do find someone who you love to be with and make a promise to yourself you will not use them to vent on. That you will not mention your mom's problems and that you will take the time you spend with them doing something fun and forget about your problems at home.

I have at some point used all of these and I guess I have been one of the caregives that learned the hard way...If you don't take time for yourself you wont be helping your loved one..you will only get crabby and resent them and none of us want to do that..

As my mom enters the last stages of Alz with all the new problems it brings, I am so grateful for the folks here that have been so helpful. I think I would have given up long ago and put mom in a home had I not had the support I get her.

By the way...my dr put me on Lexapro for my hot flashes since memopause came at the same time caregivng arrived..It has done wonders for my ability to cope...I don't recomend drugs for everyone, but sometimes it is necessary.