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| <Andra>
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BOH,
I'm glad you found this place to come and "gripe" a bit. Most face-to-face interraction with others in this "caregiving" situation has a saccharine, Pollyanna edge to it, until people just explode and say EVERYTHING thats on their mind. You always want people to think you're "nice" and you know that no one wants to listen to you complain, and anyway, no one is ever going to understand unless they get to spend some time in your shoes. When I take my mother to the day center and she insists on "introducing" me to the room EVERY TIME, I see the looks on the faces of the staff like they think I'm crazy because I'm so visibly upset and irritated with my mother. |
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Senior Member |
How do you do it????Teaching and Caregiving at the same time????? Yes, I do know how hard teachers work  I was one for 33 years BUT retired the June before Mike had the stroke so never had to do both. And summer school on top of it!!. I see in another post that you are actually an English Prof. Does your small town have a university or is it all online or something?? Are you planning early retirement? I retired at 55-I planned it that way so we could do some travelling-things didn't work that way but we still get on short trips-3 or 4 days. You say your Mom doesn't have dementia-can she understand you need your rest and if she needs you to tuck her in she needs to go to bed on your time if she needs your help. I hope you get to the Dr.soon and get the meds or whatever is causing your tiredness sorted out. If you are ready for a party this weekend come join us at Party time Gypsy"Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open." |
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Senior Member |
Hey BOH, unlike the rest of the world, we DO know what you are talkin' about! There isn't anyone here who hasn't needed to gripe, groan, fuss & fume from time to time!!
I hope you WILL get yourself to the doc and tell him about how your meds are makin' you feel... hopefully, something can be adjusted so you can feel more energetic! Be good to yourself - caregivers and teachers are in short supply!!!  "She ain't heavy; she's my mother." |
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Senior Member |
Thanks for reminding me. I contacted the state agency once before and they do have people who can look after mother if I go somewhere. I'll check into that again. |
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Senior Member |
Thanks for the advice. I am going to have to take some time off. I am also going to make an appointment with my cardiologist to make sure things are okay. Actually I think my pills make me tired. I get up in the morning feeling fine, take my pills, and get tired about half an hour later. My name is from one of my students. They can rate their professors on some website and one of mine said I was just a bitter old hag. I thought it was so funny that I adopted the name. The rest were very nice about me. The semester is about to end and after grading a whole pile of papers and exams, I can get some rest. That will be really nice. I don't think people know how hard teachers work. We really need that rest in the summer. Of course, I also teach summer school, but I'll have almost a month off to recharge. I feel guilty about griping like this, but it does help to let off some steam on occasion. Thanks for listening. |
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Senior Member |
Thank you so much. I was looking for a place to just gripe and moan and I found it. I joined some other group a year ago and they wouldn't let me gripe. This is a great forum. |
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Senior Member |
Thanks for this advice. I do have a POA, but mother doesn't have dementia so I don't need to become a guardian yet. We have all of her assets in everyone's name. It would take an atom bomb to get me to leave our small town. I love it here and was so thrilled when I got to move here from Houston. I can take Mother to Tulsa for doctor's appointments and stuff, but we really just don't have anything to keep her amused. Poor thing, she's bored stiff because she's an extrovert and doesn't get to see many people. That's just one of my many guilt trips. However, since I got Home Health to come in, she gets to talk to the aides twice a week and she really enjoys that. Our aide is wonderful. I wish I had a million dollars to give her. But my aunt had dementia and I thank God everyday that Mother doesn't have that. I feel deeply for those of you dealing with dementia. |
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Senior Member |
Thanks, Don. I didn't mean to be mean to guys. My brother is just pretty useless. But I know some guys who take care of older people and I think they are grand. I know a couple in England who took care of her father who had Parkinson's disease. She works and her husband is retired, so he was the major caregiver. It was tough on them both, but he got the brunt of it. I got my brother to come stay with mother last year so I could go to England and it was exhausting, but I learned a lot from those caregivers. They even had a little caregiver stress relief kit which included a doll you could stick pins in, some relaxing stuff and booze. I thought it was hilarious. It's great that caregivers can keep a sense of humor about it all, though sometimes I'm just too tired. I read the jokes on this site and they cheered me up a lot. Thanks to all of you. |
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Senior Member |
Ok Ok Guys and gals tisk tisk go watch the movie "Guess who's coming to dinner" where my man Sidney P. (thats right I love my man!) tells his own dad in a speech I dont owe you nothing if you had to walk to work to pay for my (Ok I cant remember that part) you did it cause you wanted to not because I made you I owe you nothing! Ok but Spencer now Spencer was the light of the whole movie in the end his last big hoorah! But I digress (i was feeling nostalgic give me a break!) Oc you have my complete respect! (you know that) And Angel yeah we are women hear us roar!lol ! Back to the task at hand...BOH (way kewl name!) Ok Im gonna reprimand you a minute know its with much love and concern...Get someone to step up and care for your mom for a minute you need to take care of your health! Im serious the longer you wait to take care of this the worse it gets!!! I lost my mom to this in 03 this is not a matter to take lightly! You are doing nobody any good here least of all yourself! If you are getting tired alot you are really very close to passin out! trust me on this your not getting enough blood flow and or oxygen or both!! Make an appointment today. Ok now that thats done with Im back to normal. No more yelling I promise unless you make me! ********************************************** Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit. |
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Senior Member |
mae, I see that too in my granny. A lot of her mental anguish is from years of being in an abusive relationship and dealing with her own family issues. She was crying lastnight thinking about her mom that died way before I was even thought of. I got her to stop crying by getting to her think of how sad I'M gonna be when she is gone! Then she said, "well, i'm done crying now, lets eat!" "Procrastinate now!! Don't put it off!---- Ellen Degeneres |
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Senior Member |
When I read the many posts on the forum I am so pleased that we have a diversity of opinions.A real reflection of the world.No one can be shamed into doing something they know is not possible for them.My mother did so many things in her life, because of the generation, because she felt she owed so many a piece of her self.But no one took the time to see she was dealing with pain and needs of her own.They saw so many things as being weak.How dare you say you cannot or do not want to do something.In the end all my mothers pains came out with her dementia.The best thing we can do for our selves and those around us is to be honest.If people cannot accept the truth as we tell it, their problem.
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Senior Member |
Thanks MB! I'm not only gonna hug myself today.....i'm gonna go BID ON EBAY!!!! that'll make me smile....unless i get sniped...maybe i'll just stick to the free hug
 "Procrastinate now!! Don't put it off!---- Ellen Degeneres |
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Senior Member |
Despite all the different reasons that led us here, we ARE all in the same boat and we do all identify with how you are feeling! Tired almost becomes a way of life!
And it won't be forever, but until then we need all the strokes we can get. So here's one I forgot to send out to you and everybunny else here: ...just a leedle reminder to be sure to HUG YOURSELF every day!!! "She ain't heavy; she's my mother." |
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Senior Member |
(((((((((((Andra))))))))) AMEN! Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Andra: P.S. the fact that our parents took care of us when we were little is not relevant. It was their choice to have children and taking care of children is NOTHING like taking care of an elderly person. (((((((Angel0704))))))) You took the words right out of my mouth! [QUOTE]Originally posted by angel0704: dont ASSUME..................................... This message has been edited. Last edited by: SandyF, |
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Senior Member |
HOLD UP OCSURF! HOLD UP HOLD UP! Now wait a minute.....dont ASSUME the one we are caring for took care of us. My mom grew tired of being a mommy after 2 yrs...passed me on to my dad....he did a great job but grew tired of it at times and on i went to the granny i now take care of. However, even she grew tired and back i went to my dad. Therefore, i owe no one...we're just good people capable of knowing that someone needs help. I'm not scolding you because I know your one of the good people but that whole "owe" thing just isn't setting well with me today. If "owe" comes into our vocabulary then WHO IN THE HECK OWES ME?? AND WHEN THEY COMING TO SAVE ME?? nobody. Anyways, back to BOH....yes, you found the right place. Make this your daily bible study group We all get tired, then there are days when things dont seem so bad and we can help others on the board. We just lean on each other and we understand. I dont have much help either so i know how you feel and i'm only 33 and tired. Bless your heart for what your doing."Procrastinate now!! Don't put it off!---- Ellen Degeneres |
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Experienced Member |
You are allowed to vent all you want but please give us guys a break.
 I have been taking care of my wife with Vascular Dementia for 5 years and she is only 55. Hang in there a while and you might find help and support comes from unexpected places. Don |
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| <Andra>
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P.S. the fact that our parents took care of us when we were little is not relevant. It was their choice to have children and taking care of children is NOTHING like taking care of an elderly person. I had joy taking care of my daughter as she grew up and I saw her learn and interact with people.
Taking care of an elderly person is nothing like that. I take my mother to a day center and she is not "interacting." She is getting some attention. Its so different. When they do their little crafts, its not like a child drawing a picture. Actually, my mother forgets 5 minutes after we're back home about the picture she made with a bunch of fizzles glued onto a piece of paper. How different from my daughter bringing home her picture and being proud of it and hanging it on the refrigerator or in her room so everyone would see it. We are in this caregiver situation out of obligation. There is no, "If you don't want to do it, don't." Our siblings were able to do that and thats how we're left here by default. We try to do it with grace, sure, and we are all of us much better people than the siblings who take little or no interest. |
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| <Andra>
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Hi BOH,
I'm going to make a radical suggestion here. Seeing as you are 59 and have only 3 years to go to qualify for Social Security retirement, can you start looking into getting all of your assets and your mother's assets organized with the intention of moving into a less rural area? You would have access to services for your mother now and in the future, you'll be needing them for yourself. Do you have Power of Attorney for your mother and does she have a will? There is NO need to consult your brother about this. I think a lot of us worry about other people being angry with us, all the while we're already angry with them. You are the one taking care of your mother and you do not need to include your brother in financial decisions, morally, ethically or legally. YOU make the decision and you can choose to inform him or not. |
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Senior Member |
Hi BOH. I know what you're going through....we all know what you're going through....we're all going through it too. The best advice I was given, I hated hearing. Sometimes it's not about making a change but changing the way in which we deal with what life has dealt us. It's awful to feel stuck. I'm having a very difficult time with this. Keep coming here and reading the posts, add to those you react to while reading, get you're feelings out. It's a great place to purge, to burst if that's what you're feeling, to follow other ongoing situations, to talk to people who know the dynamics involved with being in this position that the outside world will never see. Talk away. It's better than group therapy and the advice is free and loving and no ones watching the clock here. You'll also find yourself laughing. There are some wonderfully, silly people here.
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