Where do you turn when family is in denial about dh's decline? I thought my brother and I had gotten pretty close since we moved back home, but yesterday when I tried to talk to him a little and explain what dh was going through, the paranoia that he is beginning to experience, he sort of blew me off. He only sees him on his best behavior leaving me to deal with the other and having no one to talk to. I sometimes feel that I am expected to be there for everyone else but no one has to be there for me. So when I am with family I feel like I have to pretend that everything is okay. Everyone has their own problems so they don't want to know about mine. I listen and encourage them, but get nothing in return. Sometimes I go off by myself and just cry where no one knows. I geuss we are just a family of two.

Denial is a terrible thing, FG. Sometimes people just don't wanna believe what they are seeing because it's too much for their minds to get around; sometimes it springs from personal insecurities (perhaps brother is seeing little "slips" in himself that he finds disquieting). I can relate to this as initially when my mom began acting strangely, I thought my sis was simply being disapproving of her eccentricity. This is a common reaction to the first signs of dementia... It didn't take long once I was able to observe her behavior 24/7 to realize that what I was seeing was not mere eccentricity - it was pathology. I immediately validated my sister's suspicions because it's damned lonely to be the ONLY ONE who SEES the problem! I got my own taste of folks thinking I was being too "judgemental" of my mom's behavior and why didn't I just lay off the delightfully dingy old lady! Argh!!! So I KNOW how ya feel, FG. You can't MAKE people see what they choose not to see, and TRY to forgive their blindness. Hopefully, they WILL come around - families usually do. And at some point when they come to you one by one and say, "I'm so sorry - THIS is what you were TRYING to tell us all along but we didn't see it yet" - try to be gracious in accepting their apologies. Sometimes one never hears an apology, ya just notice people lining up behind you and helping, which is plenty good enough for me.

In the meantime, know that you are not nutz nor overly critical - you're just the idiot who LIVES with the man 24/7, so what would YOU know anyway? Roll your eyeballs and square your shoulders and know you've got a community behind you that DOES understand!

...ummm, that would be us!

Thanks, ___, ___, and Happy. I don't think my brother is capable of pulling his head out of the sand. I have 2 sisters and 3 brothers, and you would think at least one of them would be understanding. But I have realized that this is a highly dysfunctional family and I must rely on other sources of support. This forum will be my main support. I do have a daughter here and have coffee with her once a week or so. She has bi-polar disorder and family problems of her own, so I am careful not to say too much to her. She has turned on me in the past so I don't put 100% trust in her but just simply accept what she is able to give and what we are beginning to share as mother and daughter. One thing that does keep me from going crazy is my family research and the writing I am doing on the family. I think I like my ancestors almost more than my crazy family.

Thanks, Bunny's Girl. I can't offer any "proof" to my brother as it is mostly the aging and growing infirmities he is in denial of. He seems to think that dh should operate as if he were 10 years younger. dh sometimes thinks so, too. (chuckle)

I do have a daughter here who understands better than anyone. But, as she has bi-polar disorder, I am careful about how much to "dump" on her. We have coffee once a week or so, but I am always mindful that she could turn on me as she has done in the past. For now, she is pretty good support, but I feel in the long run I must rely on myself and this forum.

farmgrl, i am sorry you ar feeling so alone. so often family chooses not to see. with this illness it is not instantly recognized by sight, not like someone who is on oxygen or the visible signs of chemo or other illness that are more obvious. so often the person suffering from it will have stretches of [normal] times and often doctors don't even diagnose it right away. only the person living with it can see the changes in their loved ones. it is a shame that your brother blew you off when you tried to talk about it. so many really don't understand how devastating this disease is. to many it is just chalked up to normal forgetfulness of aging. if they haven't seen your dh behavior first hand they will not get it. would any of them be willing to read a book about it or see a video. there are some great ones avalable online. in the meantime talk to those of us who understand. don't quit mentioning it. maybe you will have to be more insistant that they hear you.let them know that you really need them to hear what you are saying. even then there is no guarantee they will pull their heads out of the sand as far as the illness goes but they should be aware of how much you need their support. hang in there.don't stop tryng. my prayers are with you and your dh.

FG I feel for you sweetie it was the same here also with my MIL's extended family they dont want to hear it and they cant believe it.
Well tough for them now they cant see her without my permission.
If they want to hop on the denial train dont do it on my time I got too much to do without having to babysit someone who doesnt get it.
The only thing I can suggest video an episode or record it with a voice recorder to prove your point. I know its kinda demeaning but it will prove to them your not just Whistlin Dixie.
I had a camera on my MIL to view her from the downstairs finally one day my hunny got a full show of just what his mom does on any given day....Denial Train Ride... OVER. Problem solved.
We all know what your going thru and its not fair for these people to do this to you.
You need someone to support YOU Your DH is well taken care of but it looks like they forgot to consider you in all this. Shame on them.
Thats ok though honey you got us.
Vent away
{{{farmgirl}}}