My husband of 85 years (I am 63) has recently become concerned with getting certain papers in order: living will, power of attorney to my brother, etc. All done satisfactorily. We also made a trip to Colorado to see his brother and wife, and upon our return, he stated that he "feels easier in his mind" now that he made the trip. He is more and more content to be home with his books and TV, sleeps more. But today there was a blow-up. I have been concerned with his driving, especially when he pulls out into an intersection with traffic coming and says they are far enough away, and anyway they can slow down. When I told him I was concerned about his driving and judgement, he got very angry and said he would quit driving, quit everything, and let me go alone. Then he attacked my driving, saying my dept perception is off, which I know it is, and I allow more than enough room to compensate. I hate following too close and am slowing down well before an intersection or back of a car, but he says I am right on the car before I brake. I don't think so. Anyway, I am afraid there is going to be an accident before he gives up driving, and it will most likely be his fault. I have thought about alerting the police with our license number and ask them to watch for him and get him out from behind the wheel, but he would know I talked to them. What's happening and what can I do??

Farm Girl, It seems you are doing better then this forum.I see I am a guest once again.So glad to hear things are better.Makes day to day living so much easier.I do hope all goes well with your health problem.i THANK YOU FOR KEEPING US INFORMED, i WAS CONCERNED

Thanks for checking up on me. Things are going pretty well here. Hubby told me the other day that he has 2 or 3 years left, "if that much." His last checkup was good. I think it is basically the aging process rather than any illness that is making him lose ground. He is now using a cane at his doctor's suggestion. He has stopped trying to do heavy lifting and when something needs to be done, my brother or nephew come over to do it for us. I got rid of throw rugs and doctor told hubby that was the right thing to do, it is too easy to trip. I yelled at him about his driving and he is being more careful. All to the good. I had a breast lump removed yesterday so am a little sore from that. Hubby worries about that and wanted to know if I had to have chemotherapy. He is calmed down now, though.

I have been meaning to check in to the site, but have had so much going on, including a trip to Colorado to see hubby's brother who is not really well. Will get some time to check in and catch up soon. Thank you so much for caring.

Farmgirl,he NEEDS to stop driving ASAP!Anyway you can.

Farm Girl, we have not heard from you.Please let us know you are ok.

Janie, thanks for your input. I think for the safety of all, I will talk to the police, give them our license plate number. This is a small community of 13,000 with no public transportation like a bus, although we have a taxi service of sorts. After I yelled at him about pulling out into the intersection in front of a car that he should hae waited for, he has been more careful. But who knows how long that will last. I can stop by the station on my way home from the gym. And my stomach is churning already at the thought of an altercation. Oh, well. Thanks again.

Farmgirl, several months ago we encouraged (privately) my mil's doctor to discuss her driving with her. She would scare me when I'd ride with her. Speeding way too fast out of hidden driveways, braking too quickly when running up on another car, etc., etc., etc.

My mil is fiercely independent, when it comes to her driving, and had a very difficult time accepting her doctor's advice that she give her car keys to me. She then got very pitiful, almost crying, saying that was all she had left and if she couldn't drive .. there was no reason to do anything else!! I felt sorry for her, but was AFRAID for her, and anyone ELSE who was driving the same streets!

If her doctor had not "taken the keys", my husband and I would have found some way to disable her car. Now, in your situation, and the fact that YOU still drive, that wouldn't be possible. Unless, of course, you and your husband have the funds to hire a driver, or take public transportation.

Telling the local police about this is NOT a bad idea!! Even if your husband "does" suspect you, that anger he would display is a lot better than an automobile accident in which people could get hurt or killed.

Please ........... be careful!

Farmgirl, I pray that you and everyone else who is struggling with this issue will take steps to protect your loved one and the other folks in your community.

quote:

I have been concerned with his driving, especially when he pulls out into an intersection with traffic coming and says they are far enough away

My sis and I did not act quickly enough and Mom was in an accident - actually the SECOND such accident (totally her error) - that nearly cost her her life and contributed to the problems she has today. We were all fortunate that neither incident resulted in anyone else being injured. Happened just like you described above - twice.

Driving is a priviledge, no matter what one's age, and when one cannot keep up, the license should be revoked. No one's pride is important enough to risk the lives of others just so they can feel like they still function at the level they did when they were younger. It was not easy for mom to resign herself to never driving again, even after the accidents, but her judgement was impaired. I soooooooo sympathize with how she, your husband, and countless numbers of other folks feel, and I will hate to give it up myself, but when it's time, it's time. Do whatever you need to do to get him off the road. Good luck!

Thanks for your input! I have considered asking our police dept to keep a watch out for our car. This is a small community of 13,000 and it wouldn't be hard to do. I may also ask his doctor to look into the personality changes when he has his regular appointment next month. There would be Hell to pay if hubby found out I "ratted" on him. I may also go to Social Services to talk with them. The man has been fiercly independent and used to taking care of other people. He resents that someone might take care of him, although he lets me in small things. His driving deterioration, I believe, is directly related to changes in personality and general behavior: more irritability, the attitude that other drives can watch out for him and slow down when he enters an intersection, no tolerance for others, etc. Quick to anger. A very close friend who has just retired from home health care is coming in September for a visit, and I will have some long talks with her. I try to keep my sanity and keep things as calm as possible, but i think I am reaching the point where this has to be dealt with, no matter how unpleasant it gets or threats to "give up everything." Now I'll go and bake some turnovers.

Sadly, this is another problem that faces one afflicted.My husband refused to stop driving , denial.His doctor told him to stop driving on his own or he would personally report him to the dept of transportation.My husband thought he could have his lawyer fight it.His lawyer told him with a doctor against his driving he did not stand a chance, thank god.To allow someone to drive who is slow in reaction time and other necessary functions that make his , her, a safe driver , is asking for sorrow.My father in law knew it was time to stop driving as he pulled in front of an uncominmg car too many times.He was thoughtful enough to give up driving.To do other wise makes them a threat to them selves and others.

Farmgirl,

I am going through having to decide if my husband should be driving or not. Much of the research says that even in the early stages of AD it is not safe to drive because of slow reaction time, etc. Some will argue that a person should drive as long as possible because of the freedom it gives a person. But when I received the notice to renew my husband's license, the first question was "Have you been diagnosed with any physical or mental disabilities, other than vision, that may affect your driving?" I have to answer "yes" to that question which means that they "red flag" the license in MD. Red flagging means that they take the license away immediately and retesting could take up to 3 or 4 months. However, I called the MVA (no name given) and asked questions about AD/dementia patients. I was given another place, Medical Advisory Board, to call where you can have your husband tested to see if they assess his being safe to drive. (No written tests.) The nice thing about it is that there are different levels of restrictions, i.e., they may limit your husband to drive only a 5 mile radius from your home, etc. I suggest you call you state MVA and ask these questions without giving your name. They will give you necessary information for your area. One note: I was told if you report your husband to the Medical Advisory Board that it will take a long time before he will be retested, but you can expediate that process by having a doctor (neurologist) give you a note requesting the test. My husband's neurologist did that for me so I don't end up being the "bad guy".