Why do caretaker spouses get blamed for just about everything??? Even such a silly thing as "spoiling the canary" is my fault. I get so tired of trying to do everything right and still be wrong. I feel like my tongue is bloody from biting it so often to keep from lashing out and making things worse. It seems like the worse he feels the worse he acts. When I told him one day that he was a good guy, he replied that he wasn't always. So he knows he is dumping on me sometimes, but can't bring himself to admit it or apologize. I know I'm not alone in this, what do you do to handle the situation? Thanks for listening.

Does the fear of rejection hold you back? Are you so concerned about
what others might think or say or feel about you that it keeps you from
taking positive action?
Rejection hurts only when you allow it to hurt, and there's no reason
whatsoever for you to allow it to hurt. If someone says no to you, or if
someone says something negative about you, that does not change anything
about who you are.

The words, actions and opinions of others have no real bearing on your
worth as a person. Certainly it is helpful and desirable to make a good
impression whenever you can, yet it's not the end of the world when you
experience rejection.

When you set out to make a true and substantial positive difference,
there will be those who disagree with you, those who ignore you, and those
who flat out reject what you're doing. Look beyond them and keep your focus
on what you've decided to accomplish.

It's great to have positive feedback, but it simply does not always
happen. That's okay, though, because you know where you're headed and you
know that your true worth does not depend on the judgment of others. Go
confidently forward, do what you know must be done, and let others think
what they will.

Ralph Marston



Gwen, this is for you to read and feel.We have many scars that contribute to the way we see our selves.Scars can heal if you allow them.You underestimate all your attributes.You have the ability to look within and be honest with your self.

Mae, you are soooo wise...I can only hope to build some self-confidence, and know so well that looking at others , they are better and smarter than me....seems I've always been told since I was a young child how "bad" I was. Guess what? I believed it!!!!!Still have problems with that....Many factors play such a large part in how we see ourselves and finding a "soft place to fall" seems oblivious most times.

If dealing with Richard's AD was the only problem...that would be plenty hard...just too much stuff from all directions.

I admire you so much..Mae

Gween, my problem was I was always looking at others attributes and feeling they were so much better and smarter then me.Then I finally relaized I could learn from their strong areas and they from me.We have this tendency to compare our self to others.Also I no longer consider them a threat and hope they see my strengths in the same way.That is why we have doctors , lawyers and Indian chiefs.You will always find those who have the need to keep you down.Self confidence is something many do not want people to have.Many times this lack of comes from experience when we are young,.
We have a minister who comes to the house.He asked me if I believe.I told him I believe in something.But before I could begin to believe in a higher power, I had to believe in my self.I could not have faith in another until I had faith in my self.I always would hear about my ., many , attributes.That meant nothing until I could feel such.Words are just that until you can feel them.Too many times we allow others to dictate who , and what we should do or be.No shoulds for me.

Dave, not usual to get flustrated.But that does pass and you remember this person is not able to do things as you .She is flustrated at times and needs you to reassure her.She will gain her strength through your love and understanding.

Gween, mt strength came from dealing with lifes ups and downs and inbetweens.I use to depend on others to give me my sense of who I am.Agter 65 years of dealing with so much and still standing, I have confidence .That does not mean I have my days of doubts.But I know what I can and cannot do and accept my limitations and love what I am able to do/If you are honest with your self and take a good look of all you have done, you will gain that confidence you need and deserve.When you acquire this , it makes life a lot better .You have it Gwenn, just allow your self to acknowledge it.Feel it, then you are on your way

sometimes i get a little cross at wendy when she tries to do something and it doesn't work out,i try to get everything just right,i don't have any time to do the things i want,but at the end of the day ,i know she loves me and is very thankful for what i do to look after her and i think underneath it all the loved one you look after knows how much you care.

Mae,
You are so wise and confident, strong and everything I'd like to be...pluse tou are absolutely right. I only hope and pray I can get myself to the point where I like who I am, that's kinda been a problem for me ..but I'll keep trying and thank you for the wonderful response.

After all the caregiving I have done, expecting too much Of my self, I have learned to accept I have short comings and many attributes.So what.I learned my name is not MS PERFECT.You let the negative remarks go in one ear and out the other and give them no second thought.You , me, know what we are and that is all that matters.Most with dementia, seem to think in the negative.Part of the dementia.My husbands shows anger most of the time when he is not confused .Smiles I can count on my hands.But that does not prevent me from smiling, etc.

Mae, you make so much sense. Separating ourselves from the crap is imperative, tuning out is a trick I learned from my students when I taught, they were experts at tuning out! Sometimes it helps to act as if I am single, doing things I would do as a single person again. It is hard, but necessary to sometimes have that distance. Thanks so much.

Gwen, I know how hard it is to not snap back. I keep reminding myself that the day is coming when I will wish he were here, even if it is unpleasant sometimes. I have never loved anyone as I love this man, and what hurts more than the blame is knowing that this is not how he really is. It hurts so much to see the deterioration and the slow loss of independence and inability to do the things he once did with so much ease. But I just have to thank God for every day that I have him.

Gwendy, I have been accused of having affairs, etc.What I should have done is taken it as a compliment and not try to justify his remarks.So now, I just say thank you to everything.Even with others.

Gwendy, I know, all to well , about the crap days.It does not make one feel good about them selves when you hear it constantly.My husband was the same.I have looked back and believe thischange was due to the Parkinsons and the beginning of dementia.It does not help to maintain compassion for someone who brings one down mentally.I learned to seperate my self from his personality problem.It took somwe doing and some anger and finally answers.What helped me was I knew what I was and I liked what I had become.I did not need him to verify me.You decide who you are and know your strengths and we all have weakness.Tune it out when the verbal abuse begins, or walk away.When you do something , never do it expecting appreciation.If you do, the hurt is greater.Do what you do because you want to do it because that is who you are.Do not stand around and give him a forum, your self, to lash out.

quote:

Originally posted by gwendy:
Hi,

I can tell the crap days early on also, usually, lately it's been spiteful little quips at any given time.
Heaven help me, cause I've always been quick tempered and fiercely independent...never had a problem coming right back at him....just trying to keep my big mouth shut. If I don't do what he wants or as he says, he becomes infuriated!!! Calgon take me away!!!!

Im so sorry Gwendy but I am LMAO right now! I soooo feel ya there! I may have a long fuse but once Im to that point.... Lord have mercy! lol!
Better get 2 boxes of dat stuff!!

Hi,

I can tell the crap days early on also, usually, lately it's been spiteful little quips at any given time.
Heaven help me, cause I've always been quick tempered and fiercely independent...never had a problem coming right back at him....just trying to keep my big mouth shut. If I don't do what he wants or as he says, he becomes infuriated!!! Calgon take me away!!!!

yes we do .......and i can tell the crap days early on in the morning also.

Gwen, thanks for your reply. I understand. Sometimes I desperately wish I were alone again, even though I love my husband dearly. I am fortunate, most days he is pretty good. I can tell the bad days early in the morning and try to steer clear of crap. That's when I get a lot of genealogy research done on the computer or some new jewelry designed and put together. We have to have our safety valves to keep from blowing, don't we?

Alice

quote:

Truth be told {maybe someone will understand and not crucify me) sometimes I wish he'd be in "lala" land soon so this constant critizim would stop. Shame on me, I guess, I don't wish him harm...I don't even want any sense of appreciation for anything....just for him to stop.
I've not seen anyone expressing how they feel quite as bluntly as I have..but someone must feel the same.

Oh Gwen, I don't think there is ANYBUNNY who has been a caregiver who has not had thoughts like that and worse!! It's terribly frustrating to deal with the anger, meanness, loss of consideration, etc. ad infinitum that gets hurled at caregivers along with the job! Finding a peace within yourself under those circumstances is very difficult and I'll bet the mortgage payment that EVERYONE has at LEAST one story of "losing it" with their loved one... some folks have more than one, depending on how ornery their folks are to them... It's AWFUL to wonder if they are cognizant of their behavior or if this is all a product of the disease... I remember tellin' someone that dealing with an ADD child is kinda like that - are they doing it on purpose or is it the disorder, cause I wanna STRANGLE 'im if the behavior is intentional...
Just know that everyone here KNOWS where you are comin' from... maybe other people in our lives can't imagine these frustrations, but they are a part of our day-to-day lives.

Hope you have a peaceful weekend and that the weather's pleasant in your neck of the woods!!

When people are ill or have a disability, they sometimes resent not being able to do things like you or I. They feel frustration and there is no one to bear that frustration but to you.

Be strong and do know he loves you regardless of how he treats you. Deep down he knows you are doing your best.

Aww Gwendy I second that one look at some of the old posts and see if we all havent had one of those days (or several!) Its all good here and we all get how your feeling! My MIL who hasnt liked me since day one (25 years) has now got no problem saying what she feels and although there are many who will say its the switch in her head that is in a permanent off position (because of the illness) this is nothing I havent heard already. But I still care for her in a compassoinate way because there is no one else I would have do it (unless it becomes too much for even me) I have a really long fuse! lol I have been called a saint in this situation. And when it really gets tough and Im at the end of my rope I come here and get the much needed hugs from my fellow CG's....These people are awsome here!
You started with love so you have to know deep down inside its the illness here and you have to remember that where your Hunny is concerned and we all now its tough! Give yourself a pat on the back because alot of people would just give up the fight...this says alot about your character. You rock!

quote:

Originally posted by gwendy:
Hi farmgirl,
You are not alone in those feelings...My hubby blames me for everthing, including spoiling all of our pets, including the 2 oarrots, and critizing my every step. Seems there is nothing I can do that is correct, much less anything I can say. He was diagnosed almost 4 years ago and does very well...still drives, teaches a bible class, volunteers with disabled children....so it make's me wonder if he's just a jerk to me!!!#
Truth be told {maybe someone will understand and not crucify me) sometimes I wish he'd be in "lala" land soon so this constant critizim would stop. Shame on me, I guess, I don't wish him harm...I don't even want any sense of appreciation for anything....just for him to stop.
I've not seen anyone expressing how they feel quite as bluntly as I have..but someone must feel the same.

Dont worry gwendy, we do get quite blunt on here....look at some old posts and you'd find me pms'ing one day and going off! And i do know that feeling of just wishing they would hurry up and go into "lala" land all too well. Actually sometimes my granny does go off into "lala" land (after i change her pain patch) and i am actually relieved cuz she cracks me up! Then once the medication starts running low in her patch its back to blaming me for everything. Sometimes she'll say her legs wouldn't be so bad if she had the 'easy' life i had So i guess now i am to be blamed for her choice to marry, have 4 kids and work her butt off.