Pardon me if I go on and on, however, I am so confused with my mother in-law. She wants to be paid for taking care of her husband and driving him to the doctor (before anyone asks, she is retired she doesn't have much else to do). She wants someone to pay her for her time. She leaves this man home alone for many hours at a time, he eats dinner alone every night because she visits someone at a nursing home every evening during there dinner so that they don't get lonley, no one should eat alone she say, but she leaves her husband alone for dinner everyday, she thinks it 's ok because someone pays her to visit the other person at the nursing home. It is all about the money. I am sorry for rambling, I am just looking for some opinions, Is it okay for her to look for monatary payment for taking care of her husband?

I have to reiterate sweetie if she is leaving this man alone at any time this is neglect on a grand scale.
What is exactly wrong with your FIL?
I have to ask since this goes to the entire issue of care we are all jumping on this woman but we have to step back simply because this is not mentioned in what the extent of care really is.
Does he have Dementia is he able to make rational decisions is there other health issues that require at least in the eyes of the law however broad they may be, care on a 24/7 basis?

If this is the case she is leaving him for a time unattended, this is a case of neglect and in some cases abuse. Is she aware of that?

Is she healthy? Does she seem to be making irrational decisions in your opinion?

Im feeling a little out of the loop...How can we really help when basic questions are not answered do you see what Im saying DnC?

Please dont feel uncomfortable you are among friends here we really do care your going to have to trust that we can guide you but we cant do that unless there are answers.

So sorry, I have to ask, ..... What did she offer to pay your 8 year old son for his services.???

HAH Ok that is goin too far sweetie good for you in telling everyone what she is up to. An 8 year old child CAN NOT sit with ANYONE and she should know better, what was she thinking even asking?!

I have to echo this here DnC is this recent behavior something new or is this her? Cause if this is then she needs some medical attention fast she is not making wise decisions IMHO this is bad....

Sorry I have been so long since I posted. Well nothing has changed except this bizarre action...she called me last night and asked if my 8 YEAR OLD SON could come and sit with grandpa while she goes to the senior center for about 2 1/2 hours to volunteer...I told her no I didn't feel he was old enough to take on all of that responsibility and she said what responsibility?? I also told her that I had a novel idea...why doesn't she stay with him?? She went off and said that she has to go because the lady that usually does it was in Disneyland and that there wasn't anyone else to do it. She said "No big deal, I'll go anyway.I just thought that grandpa would enjoy the company while he sleeps." (how do you enjoy company while you sleep?) I have discovered that the reason that she is looking for someone to sit with him all of the sudden is because one of his older children is coming to town next week and she needs to make it look like she is taking care of him...not going to do her any good to start now...trust me I have let all of his children know what has been going on. Enough for now!

I am caregiver for my 87 year old husband. I love him dearly and cannot imagine being "paid" for the care. Just having him near me is payment enough. I recently hired a monthly cleaning lady to help with the big stuff in keeping up an apartment so I don't have to struggle with that. I dread the time when other arrangements may be needed for his care as I have fibromyalgia and limited strength and stamina. But until that time I gladly give him all the care he needs.

Y'all can tell this one is bugging me... See, seldomly do we have so many similar reactions to a situation... This tells me that this is kinda of a societal norm that stretches over location, age, or custom. Unless this MIL is just the most shallow, downright souless person around, I think her cheese is falling off HER cracker! There is something going wrong with this woman... Either her relationship to the person with whom she sits in the evening is NOT what it seems, and there exists HUGE conflict between she and her husband, or she is showing some very disturbing symptoms of brain damage...

D&C, despite how outraged you feel, PLEASE do whatever you can to get this woman examined by a doc! Her judgement and reasoning and behavior are not only not normal, they're waaaayyy off normal.
Please update us as I think many of us are interested in what is going on with this woman... and more importantly, how it affects your FIL, the person for whom she is supposed to be caring.

I also am floored by her attitude, mostly, because she lives there, and well, No, I don't understand this.

Still I confess, that I am a paid CG. a very different situation, but nonethe less true. When I quit a job to be Captain "Team Momma" my brother ,who has the POA, insisted that the money was there and it was so much off him that if I didn't accept pay, he'ld fire me and hire an agency. Very unusual story around this , place. Granted, I only pay myself, what my old part time job paid me but now I work more than 60 hours a week, so I get way less than minimum wage. Still he insists that everyone gets paid. I have wondered if he pays himself for handling her estate. Probably not.

Speaking as a (former) caregiver of a spouse,
PLEASE don't let me near this woman!
First, second, or 43rd spouse, what makes her think somebody owes her money for neglecting her husband, just because she gets paid to look after someone else? When I read that, I felt like I'd been whapped with a 2x4.
I'm sorry, I have no suggestions here, but all the others who have posted do have good ones.
I guess I could pass along Mercenary Mallory the Daughter's address - the two of them could get together and make big plans as to how to scam this whole home caregiver committment.
And then we could blast them both!

D&C, is this attitude of your MIL's something that has happened recently? I hate to ask, but is she your FIL's second wife or something? This is so "out there" that I am wondering if your MIL might have slipped a gear herself? If this is not representative of her personality and beliefs as you have known them to be in the past, I think it may be cause for concern enough to speak with her doctor about it. Sometimes slips in personality, unreasonable behavior, etc. are early warning signs that something is going wrong... little strokes, AD, etc. can all produce behavioral changes of this kind that aggravate, upset and mystify their loved ones at first...

WOW I am blown away & near speechless by this!!

As a former CG for my Mom, I never once asked to be paid for the 24/7 care I was providing.

Heck I even help out the neighbor lady & refuse her offer to pay me.

I am trying to think of a reason why a spouse would think they should be paid for providing care. 2nd marriage where all accounts are seperate & spouses $ w/go to children?? I'm digging deep to "try" to see MIL view on this.

It's a good thing your FIL has you watching out for him. I say some family intervention is needed in this situation.

Keep us posted

Welcome D&C - I am confused too - just WHOM does she think is supposed to pay her? She already shares whatever income he has and doesn't have to pay someone to sit with him!! I take it that someone is paying her to sit with this person while they eat, correct? Why doesn't she take her husband to the hospital with her to eat dinner? Who is this friend? Or is it a "client?"

Wow - this one has my jaw dropped... If I understand... no, I don't understand... How does she figger that someone owes her pay for taking care of her spouse? Because she could be making money if she were not? Are they that broke? Is she a weasel? I mean, HECK - if we can get money for taking care of our immediate family members like husbands and stuff, then KIDS should definitely come under that heading, and in that case, SUMBUNNY OWES ME BACK PAY!!

dazed and confused, welcome. i sure don't have much to add to this one. i think everyone is pretty bowled over by mil's attitude. i just wonder if she will pay somesone wen it's her turn to need care. was i dozing when they revised the til death do us part clause in the marriage vows to include or until the payments stop? good luck with her. hope to see you back soon. in fact i can pretty much bet we will. take care.

Dear Dazed,
Hello and welcome!
It amazes me (although it shouldn't) how many great daughter-in-laws are out there! They get a bum rap about not getting along with in-laws, and yet they are the first to help when in-laws become old and infirm! Been there, done that.

It's her husband! There's no "refund" due for crying out loud! My best advise is to talk to your husband about the situation or any other blood relative of MIL. She sounds "quite" a "bit unreasonable" and you will never get thru to her like your husband (her son) can. He can yell at her and she'll listen, hopefully!
Hope this helps!

DnC welcome in glad to have you.

Now I think the question is who does she expect to pay her for services not rendered
What exactly is wrong with your FIL?
Medi-cal does pay a person to give care to another but its not much to write home about if ya know what I mean but you have to prove you are doing the job.
If she is not then they wont pay her and should they find out that she leaves him alone then APS will get involved...
This is not a good situation sweetie, if he has AD then she could be thrown in jail for neglect.
I think its time to set MIL down and enlighten her about this. Ive dealt with APS its not fun.
Please keep us updated on your progress you may want to involve your husband here too since this is his parents your talking about