Don is beginning to lose who I am.
I hurt.
I stopped taking most things personally a while back, but even as I can pick out behaviors indicating he's entering another stage of dementia, I just wonder how long it will be before he truly forgets.
Any one have any input on this?

Such a blessing, Betty.

Altho my husband would forget my name from time to time and not realize we were married, he still seemed to know that I was someone special, his smile for me was beautiful. I always felt they are still in there.

Donswife, OK, this is Pollyanna (my alter ego) speaking now instead of Bobcat. The family has no clue. They may never have a clue. The gold digger syndrome does happen, but if the kids are only concerned about the inheritance, then the gold diggers, are they, not you.
Honey , I can't even guess how hard this is. My spouse is still in charge(much to my chagrin at times, but appreciating it more all the time).
Stay safe, out of reach when you get a hunch hat it's needed. Listen to your instincts.

My Mother, Nancy, began forgetting who I was about 2 years before she died. It was especially rough, being an only child. Just be as happy as you can around them...

My mother use to say when people spend more then they make they have a beer pocket and champagne taste.
So many children want to live a life style acoording to their parents.Un aware they worked long and hard and it did not happen over night.
Spoiled, is the word that describes them best.
You have done well to set boundries.You have got to look out for your self and think of years down the road.She has years of earner power.She needs to learn how to manage he money according to her earnings.
I tell my kids this bank has closed its doors.

quote:

You've got to look out for those dentists, because they ruined his eyes and then stole his socks, and they'll do it to you, too!

If Don says I gotta watch out, das good enuff for me!! The socks are just icing on the cake...

Oh Heck no DW its time to check this lil money grabber in the butt! Good for you in drawing that line! A motor home Hello I know how much those cost what was her excuse for that the price of gas alone for that thing is enough to choke a pen full of pigs! Legal get legal involved....No more of this stuff she has no god given right to require this kind of support its a flagrant misuse of funds and your hunnys good name. Cut her off at the knees I can just imaging the mailings of hers!

Oh, you're all going to love this!
Granddaughter is a Registered Nurse.
Her favorite job of all time is "taking care of all those little old people in the nursing home"
On third shift.
And yes, her mother taught her well. As did HER mother.
The daughter gets about 1200 a month, half of which she spends on a mortgage for a mobile home and a motor home, plus lot rent for the mobile. Which her dad co-signed for. She foolishly decided she had enough money to purchase a new (2006) car for $400 a month (which she also got her dad to co-sign for.)
Anyone doing math here? Now she has to put gas in the car, pay for utilities and food for herself and 2 dogs and 3 cats, and hollers for Daddy to help her when she falls behind. Of course he loves her - what's he going to do?
So I thought that was pretty stupid, and I told them we weren't going to bail her out anymore, she'd have to learn to manage her finances because what I had left I have to save to take care of Don. Granddaughter didn't like that at all! She thinks we should support her mother and that I should quit work to stay home and take care of my husband. Logical, isn't she?
If anyone wants to read the letters, just e-mail me and I will send them to you. Hateful little thing - and not once in 6 months has she called to see how her Grandfather was. She did call and ask me to drive over one dark night to check on her mom, who wasn't answering her phone. I had just got home from the ER because Don had a TIA earlier that day, so I called the City Police and had them go over and do a well check. I'd do it again in a heartbeat, but I have a sneaking suspicion they won't be asking that favor again!
By the way, I think Don would want you to know this, because he tells everyone he meets: You've got to look out for those dentists, because they ruined his eyes and then stole his socks, and they'll do it to you, too!
Hugs to all. Drinks at Harry's are on me tonight.

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Originally posted by DONSWIFE:
Does anyone find themselves wishing desperately that this would hurry up and be over with? Don's granddaughter made the nasty comment "Don't think we all don't know that you're just waiting for him to die..."

DW, Yes....like a train wreck about to happen but it doesn't...but it's looming out there and you know it's only getting worse. I wished it would all hurry up and be done with for so long and then it was done with...and the reality of what my wishes meant, hit me so regrettably hard. I wish I could take all that wishing back but I can't. I know exactly how you're feeling and I promise you this: It will end. It will come at a great cost but it will end. My father who I cared for was sick from a severe stroke and was left unable to do anything for himself; he couldn't raise his head without assistance, couldn't even navigate in the wheelchair to and from the rooms in the house and suffered from vascular dementia as well. He passed away 10 weeks ago and this kind of forever is a huge pill to swallow. I miss him terribly. I have this tremendous painful, emptiness in my stomach continuously since he passed. I suspect it will take a lifetime to stop missing him.

What a hateful, nasty bwitch of a grandaughter your husband has. And her mother too, I assume? She sounds paranoid as if her share will be cut short because of you, possibly. I don't know how I'd handle this except to say that I'd probably be wearing stripes by now.

Take it one day at a time DW.

Donswife, shallow people make those kinds of remarks.So glad you threw her a curve ball by not responding in away she would have liked.
Some of these snot nose people need to kepp their mouths closed and nose clean.
I just ignore those kinds of people.They lack any kind of understanding about the reason people find love for all the right reason,They also seem to need a motive for everything.Maybe she is the one with paranoia.
There was a time when I thought death was the answer .After loosing my mother and aunt I never think about death.I think about each day that is given to me.As a matter of fact I hate the idea that having to die is the answer to all suffering.It just has been something I could never accept.My doctor use to tell me if I was a religious person I would have less of a problem.He never did change my mind.I do believe when we are so over whelmed we do search for anser to bring us some stability.
To be honest my emotional state grew worse once I lost each of my loved onesWhen this happens so many new emotions come to the surface.It took me over a year to be able to get my head in the right place.You do get to a better place emotionally.You always have a place where you store the sorrow for their absence.It is an individual thing.I do believe their quality of life before comes to play.I saw 2 good people who worked so hard and gave so much of them selves afflited with illness.They finally got to a place in their lives where they felt safe and secure .They had me to lean on and make sure they were never harmed in any way.They had payed their dues and were hoping to reap the harvest of all their years in the labor force.I think that is what bothers me so much about their passing.What is amazing, you forget all the caregiving years.You go to all the memories you have of days when all was so much better.So my sorrow was the loss of those days when they were looking forward to the next day.
I recall a doctor telling me my aunt would not live six months.She lived 3 years.Because I had been so overwhelmed, at that moment I thought that was the light at the end of the tunnel.Then I began to realize I could not wish her passing to have some sense of peace.I had other choices if the caring for her was too much, like placing her.I had that one moment when I thought someone had given me an easy way out.I soon changed my view.There really is not an easy way when you are dealing with the challenges of caregiving.Also , not long after that I got a good in home care with time out side the home.That was the answer for me.Just to escape for a short time to gather my thoughts .My days of feeling trapped were relieved wih the service.I had someone to support me in so many ways and that changed my day so much.The hands on support is what all caregivers need and welcome.

DW some people just cant fathom the love one has for another no matter the circumstances. Maybe because they themselves have the potential for underhandedness...
Granddaughter in particular here...whats her reasoning for lashing out at you? She waiting for the money? Thats what I would ask with a straight face then Id show her the door. I cant wait till the day arrives that she will have to face the decisions you find yourself making now.
Until then she has no business in YOUR house disrespecting you like that.
Thats right I said it... blame it on my latest incident with so called family, I have had enough of them.

BIG SIGH of relief! Mae, I've been following your footsteps without even realizing it - I do find myself thinking the same way. Don hasn't been physically abusive, but the potential is there, I'm sure.
Does anyone find themselves wishing desperately that this would hurry up and be over with?
Don's granddaughter made the nasty comment "Don't think we all don't know that you're just waiting for him to die..."
Which really didn't hurt as much as she hoped it would, because I've always known his family thought I was nothing more than a "golddigger" -and that was LONG before Anna Nicole Smith!
But I have stopped thinking of him as my husband, I just know him as someone I love dearly and will take the best care of him I possibly can for as long as I'm able.

Dons Wife, I understand what you are saying.Anything thrown my way, by hubby, at this stage I am able to handle.When he was beginning to show extreme changes in his behavior toward me I was to the point where I almost hated him.All his anger and paranoia was directed at me.I began to sleep in another room because he had nigtmares where he would begin to swing in all directions.He would wake me in the wee hours and say such horrible things.If I would talk with my neighbor, man, he accused me of kissing him and having an affair.He told all his friends such.Thank god they new me and new better.He began to turn on my mother and aunt.He would call our lawyer and tell him he wanted to divorce me because I was so mean to him.Would tell me he would break me fighting him in court.He got so angry , one time he actually called me gutter trash.He would run to the boys with all kinds of tales.One time he thought I was poisioning his meds and called my son to come get him.He put undewear and socks in bags and waited for my son.My son told him , to prove the meds was ok , he would take it.Anytime I did not do what he wanted me to do he viewed it as me wanting to harm him.Each time he wanted to call his lawyer.I had to call our lawyer and tell him what was going on.
He actually thought I was out to harm him, paranoid, and he hated me with passion.When he was placed on seroquel his behavior became more controllable.When he first showed signs of depression he would ball .He would say I was leaving him over and over.Celebrex helped that.It was worse then anything I dealt with , with mother.Paranoid phychosis is the pits until controled.tHAT IS WHEN I KNEW I HAD TO DRAW ALINE FOR MY SELF. I WAS NO LONGER HIS WIFE.I WAS THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS WELL BEING.I knew in his state of mind I was no longer the wife he once knew .So to survive I stepped outside being his wife.Those days were so stressful and frightening.I never knew what to expect or If I would be able to do what was need for my safety as well as his.I chose to remember him as hewas when we first got married.So far removed from the person that began this horrible journey in his life.I do believe, if we had not gotten meds that made such a positive change I could not have continued to care for him.
When someone says things that are so awful it like someone put a knife in you and turned it.Words can be so pierceing.But now I just do not allow my self to feel the words.They are coming from a person with dementia .How would I ever allow anything he says hurt me in any way.I know who I am and what I am and that is was allows me to prevail.He views things from another demension far removed from reality.

Don usually says or does something I find funny at least once a day. And of course, something is always going on at work or in my e-mail. I'm pretty healthy with that, I think.
I comfort myself with the thought that even if he doesn't recognize me sometimes, he knows I am the one who shows him caring and love.
He hasn't got to Mae's hubby's stage yet, but there are times he is really angry with me, for something specific or for something his imagination cooked up. I just try to quietly explain it, but sometimes find myself going outside to "look for the animals." Then he comes to the door and shouts, "I found them - they're sleeping in here!" and proceeds to wake them to play with them - and all is forgotten until next time.
Again, as long as he knows "that lovin' feelin'" is associated with me, I don't care what he calls me or who he thinks I am.
I know what's coming, but it still hurts until you get used to the idea.

Donswife, this behavior can be good one day and reverse the next.Many believe they are prepared but once it begins it is hard to accept.
I have become so use to be someone else then I really am.I answer to all names .We know who we are and know the disease causes changes that we are unable to control.When my husband is truly stressed he will yell my name.When I go to him he does not associate me with the name.He just seems to know I am the protector and knew and continue to knows I will not abandon him.If he thinkks I am the hired help, that is what I become.But I am the hired help with a low pay scale,lol.Sometimes I am the worst person alive, to him, I rspond to tahat by saying I will change my way of doing things.The one we have to learn is to accept we lost or about to loose the husband we once knew.We are living with someone we have to bond with all over again.Most of the time on their terms and their territory.Between my mother and my husband you would think I would have an idenity crisis.
Do not let this bring you down.Understand why and go along with him.
For me, I cannot give you a time line.It is just so uncrtain.You will see what changes become consistant, and they will.

(((DW))) Im sorry its gotta be tough on you no matter how hard you try not to take it personally
As for time...well every patient is different some can go quickly others linger for a time theres just no solid answer to this.
Mae and Diana deal with this very issue.
I just hope you are taking time for yourself in all this sweetie even if its 5 minutes go someplace quiet and recharge find some laughter even if you dont feel much like laughing do it