Does anyone have problems with unfounded accusations from elderly spouses, parents, etc. My dh just accused me of spending last year's tax refund on myself and he got nothing. I don't remember, but when extra money comes in I always ask him if there is anything he needs or wants, and he usually says "no." This year I will make sure he gets all of the refund after paying off a credit card. He has also accused me of using the credit card when I haven't used it. Is this part of dementia? I am so angry and hurt over this. I have never abused the credit card or his checkbook. He cannot write well enough to do his own checks, and I know he feels like he has given up control. Does anyone else have these problems?

Donswife, sometimes the road does get mighty rocky.
You asked a lot of $64 questions...
Is there an adult daycare program in your area? Although that wouldn't help the middle of the night stuff, it would help you to have some "by yourself" time which can be very renewing. If things are really getting to you, can you take off for a week and place him in a respite facility?

As for whether this will continue, get worse, etc., no one really knows, dear. Sometimes we take the verbal abuse with white knuckles... when you really, really let go, you can hear that stuff and it doesn't have much sting because you have accepted that it is not your husband talking - it's his disease. If his verbal insults have any chance of becoming violent, call the doc and try some new meds, up the dose or something... don't allow yourself to be in jeopardy. Words are one thing - physical abuse is another. It's hard to shrug off bruises!

As for whether or not you should keep him at hime - you know that's up to you, dear. Facilities do offer folks the chance for more socialization and the relief of being around people in similar straits. But... facilities do not take care of him with the personal touch that you do. They may not know what he is saying or needing... Although there is staff, it's important to continue caring for him at a facility as much as is possible to insure the best care and attention to his needs. Sometimes, it's kinda out of the pan and into the fire...

Sometimes, a respite is good for many reasons. First, you need it just because... But right after that, you need to see how well he'll do in a facility without you - that might answer some of your questions. It may set in stone your resolve not to put him in a nursing home ever, or it might convince you that others can take good care of him and he will be okay... it just depends on how he does, the facility and how YOU feel about it after separating from him for a week or so. Sometimes some time off helps one to see things more clearly.

You know in your head that he doesn't mean the things he says... but you have to know and feel it in your heart and that's a mighty tall order sometimes...

(((Hugs))) DW It can get pretty bad at times and yes sometimes the meds dont work chalk that up to bad days for them.
I just dont pay attention to the things said unless it is really bad then I go into redirect attention mode, give him something he likes like ice cream or if that doesnt work walk out of the room and leave him alone for a little while until it dies down.
Mae has a few tricks she's especially good at like a well placed joke/quick retort, sometimes that helps.
At this point you have to try anything sweetie but just dont take it personally he doesnt mean it

The accusations are really bizarre - especially when they come in the wee hours of the morning.
I'm reaching a breaking point here, and need some reassurance. Will this phase pass, or will it continue up until the point he loses the ability to speak? Can I keep him at home - SHOULD I keep him at home? It's difficult to find the right meds, isn't it, everyone? Sometimes his current ones work, sometimes not.
I figure he's reached the later symptoms "Stage 6" on one or another of the dementia scales, but this could still go on for another year or so before the Final Stage symptoms really set in. Can't depend on his family for support - they're a bunch of idiots. I'm doing this by myself mostly, and am really afraid I don't have the inner strength I need. Where do you all find it?

Among other things, my husband carried on something awful that I was getting a divorce, being unfaithful and leaving him. When I said, 'but I'm right here', he shot back, 'oh, no, you're not!' This was hard to combat because I could not agree and could not deny because he'd just call me a liar. So I'd try, somehow, to accept responsibility w/out admitting guilt, and if you think that's impossible, you're right--it is impossible--it's Alzheimer's.

Between my mother and hubby, I have been accused of everthing under the sun.Mother thought I was running a whore house and making her stay here to work.She kept telling me she was not that kinda girl.She never accused me of stealing etc.I was always the one preventing her from going home.Now hubby, the list is too long.At first I was beside my self.Here I was at home all the time and he saw me as nothing.It took awhile and honestly meds and therapy to help him to help me.One thing that helped was I became a differemt person mentally.I learned what he thought was the disease and had nothing to do with me as a person.I was not going to be brought to my kness after all the challenges I had met.I Knew it was him and not me.So the answer was to seperate my self from the disease and the person afflicted.
If someone wanted to believe what he said I told them to stay here for a couple of day and then tell me what you believe.I just take it as it comes and know I did nothing wrong and will not allow this disease to afflict pain on 2.

Farmgirl,

You are not along on the accusations, be it money, jewelry, clothing. Heck I was even accused of switching Mom's glasses, hiding her toothpaste, moving things in her room.

Unfortunately it's part of the disease and as others have pointed out you figure out what works to keep most of these accusations under control.

Keep up the great job your doing

My Dad never gave Mom much credit for financial sense even tho she was meticulous in the household accounts and stuck to her budget. They shared a checking account, but he ordered her checks in a different color and had them start at a different number. When the statement came in, hers were in order seperate from his, and the canceled checks were easy to separate. It was like two different accounts on one piece of paper. If she over drew her budget, she still didn't overdraw the account. Only after he was 70, did he realize that she was able to and needed to understand how to balance a check book. Too late, she knew already, being no dummy, but considered it his job.
I still show her every bill and have her sign the checks, it keeps her in touch with things and feel in control. I don't begin to explain the daily cash flow and prices of groceries and supplies, it would give her a heart attack to know the price of pullups and boost pads.
Still , I think Dad's system for a joint account had a lot of merit.

Thanks for your response. We each have our own checking account with both names on each. I keep his checkbook and give it to him to look at when I balance a couple of times a month. He has set up a little reading room for himself in an extra bedroom with a small recliner and bookcase. When we get our refund and clear our Visa (my new computer), I will try to get him to buy enough books to fill the bookcase as he reads constantly. We are great believers in used bookstores and hopefully our little one here will open soon again as the owner has been ill. I agree with you, this site is wonderful and a great support.

I too had money trouble with my mom telling everybody I was stealing her money. I did checks and everything with her to pay her bills. At the time I was paying taxes and all utilities when my husband was alive and I had enough finance to help. Well she told my brother and he went and got Financial POA. What a mess. Made me very ill until I let it go years later with help from this forum I found out I was not alone. Everybody below has already given you the advice I would have. If you can try to get a separate check book for him to look at and see. Try to see if there is a big ticket item he wants. GOod luck and welcome to our "family"

Hey Farmgirl Im sorry this upset you so also Ditto to what MB said on every point it is so common a behavior you just gotta turn the other cheek and remember its the disease nothing more, he doesnt mean it. Lie if you have to, say you put it in the bank... "what do you need hunny Ill go out and get it for you if you want it"....then redirect thoughts to something else to get him busy thinking on another matter. Keep things close at hand that have proven effective at redirecting attention in the past like playing cards, books, movies, recorded tv shows ect.

Yes, I understand, Buddy's Mom. I do know it is not personal and that he can't help it. I just ignore the crap and in a little while he acts as if nothing happened and I justs take it at that. Thanks for your words of encouragement.

I forgot to mention... the less you bring up subjects that act like "triggers" to his bad behavior, the better off you'll be. For example, the money questions are a common thing for afflicted folks to become obsessed about. Sometimes, I think they worry because they realize that they are not remembering things right any more, but other times, it is just whatever that individual fixates upon. With my mom, it's her car. SOmetimes, she'll become ornery and demand that she is going to drive herself home. Sweetie, she hasn't had a car since 1999! But that's not real to her. What IS real to her is that she remembers driving everywhere she pleased, thank you very much, and if you argue with her, she will tell you how very sorry she is, but you are wrong. Sometimes, she will fuss and get feisty about things when she can't "get off" the idea that's doing laps inside her cranium...

As people forget things like this, so they forget other things - like where they are, what year it is and who we are... Between the onset of symptoms and the end of the line when folks don't even know their loved ones much, if at all, we get fooled a lot. They are compensating for their mental losses as best as they can and on many days, they pass pretty well for a forgetful but sweet senior citizen. But if you simply just scratch the veneer, you will find that there is a LOT more missing than you realize...

This is the time when you have to apply some know-how to handling people with dementia. They become agitated easily and if we argue with them, their agitation rises... This is one time in the lives of our loved ones when we simply have to allow them to win most of the arguments by default.

For example, his accusations may have been set off by all the H&R Block commercials we are seeing on tv. Perhaps he saw them and started dreaming about how he would spend the money. Then he couldn't remember what happened last year, so the paranoia crept in and it must have been YOU who spent his share! Sometimes, it makes an odd kind of sense, but don't depend on that 'cause sometimes, NONE of it makes any danged sense at all!

Instead of reminding him what you did with last year's return or arguing with him, try to steer the conversation to a "safer" place, like, "Sounds like you have some things on your shopping list! What would you like to spend the return money on this year?" Even if you have no intention whatsoever of allowing him to make that decision, it might be fun for him to talk about it. Heck, my mom was thinking about selling our home the other day! Trouble is, it isn't hers any more... Details, details. What she REALLY was thinking about was that she wanted to MOVE - she wanted a change of scenery. So instead of arguing about whether to sell the house, we talked about places we would like to live and what kind of house we'd buy, etc. She seemed satisfied with that and busied herself takin apart her remote control after that...

quote:

Is this part of dementia? I am so angry and hurt over this.

Oh my, yes, Farmgirl! Dementia can produce not only paranoid or forgetful behavior, it can produce hallucinations! I think nearly ALL of us have some stories about our loved ones accusing us of bizarre things, thinking folks are stealing their money, etc. This is VERY common! Read some of the posts here - I think at least half of the topics here refer to these type of behavioral changes because they are the ones that cause us the most strife.

Let the words he says be like water on a duck's back, farmgirl... he doesn't mean to hurt you and is not responsible for the things he is saying. Despite the fact that he still looks like your DH, his brain is becoming less and less functional. Some days, we don't notice the decline, or they are having a pretty lucid day... Other days, we just can't believe the cussin' and fussin' that we hear from the same lips! This is one of the saddest aspects of these brain destroying diseases... our loved ones minds are being eaten away slowly but surely, bit by bit... Temper outbursts and strange behaviors start cropping up more and more often. You must detach yourself from his words... sometimes you can distract or redirect their attention; other times, they fuss like a scratched up ol' broken record and NOTHING you say will be right. Do NOT take any of that personally, farmgirl - it's just part of brain damage. You know how he felt about you good, bad and indifferent before he became ill... remember those things now because he will be less and less able to behave like that wonderful man you shared so many years with... Sometimes, besides being hurtful and ugly, those awful conversations will try the patience of a saint. There is no use in arguing or fussing with him... Ya gotta learn to roll with the punches (just so long as they are not REALLY punches! ).

If this worsens quickly and becomes bothersome, it would be a good idea to report this behavior to his doc, just in case his meds need adjustment.

Hang in there, dear, and know that we're here when it gets really tough and you need to get things off your chest.

Many blessings to you and your DH. I hope you're staying warm!!