My dh has not been feeling well for a long time. He has more bad days than good. I am taking over things he used to consider his job, like taking out the trash and making ice cubes.

This morning I remarked that he didn't look like he felt very well. He remarked that he was "getting used to it." His main activities are reading and TV and going grocery shopping which I think he will be doing less and less. I get him out to eat at least once a week, either breakfast or Chinese for lunch. That way he gets some interaction with others besides his wife.

What does "getting used to it" mean? Is he telling me that he is nearing the end? He is 87 years old. Is he getting ready to let go? I am not ready to let him go. Feedback, please.

My Mom used to say that 'you can get used to anything, you can used to hanging if you hang long enough.' There have been times in my life when I've told myself, 'I've hung long enough' and now I'm used to it. Centainly w/the yrs I spent caring for my husband, but not exclusively that. I'm both pragmatic & a dreamer, but I know when I can do something about a situation and when I'm just spinning wheels. Pick your winable battles and live w/the rest as best you can--and maybe that's what he means. Not such a bad position to take.

don't wait for october. that's a long time away. move the doc appointment up to now. see what's going on. don't just guess and worry. do it for both of you. dochka is right. enjoy each day and treasure them. but get to the doc. my mind and body are certainly not in sync. i'm still 25 with the problems of a 100 year old. getting used to it is hard. i can no longer rough house with my son at the pool. as he says i break too easy. i can't shoot one on one baskets with him or hang glide or snowboard or water ski or wakeboard or tae kwon do or any of the fun things. i have to accept it. just getting used to it. see the doc now! you both deserve it.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: fat, dumb and happy,

Thanks muchly to all of you for your insight and perspective. I realize that I have to get used to it to. Get used to the fact that he spends most of his time in his recliner. Get used to the fact that he can't traipse around a shopping mall like we used to do. Get used to the fact that he can't deal with big groups of people like family gatherings like he used to do. Get used to the fact that in many ways I have to operate as a single person. Get used to the fact that I am going to lose the most important part of my life. Tomorrow will be our 18th wedding anniversary and he has informed me that we will go out for my favorite Chinese buffet. I thank God for every day.

Dear farmgirl,
Not making light of the situation but maybe getting used to it, just means he's getting used to it! Our mind and body age does not always match.
None of us wants to accept the limitations of age or health.
As someone else here said better to keep your focus on today while you have each other! If and when something serious comes along, than you can tend to it.

Ask his doctor about the possibility of depression. This coexists with dementia in many, many cases. I can see where a man who was formerly a strong, independent guy who sees himself becoming more and more weak and dependent might suffer from this.

It was hardly a magic bullet, but finding the right antidepressant for our LO sure has improved her quality of life.

Bunny's Girl and Bobcat,

Thank you so much for your perspectives. He sees his doctor twice a year, next visit in October. I try to take advantage of opportunities to talk to him, but those are few and far between. I just keep the 911 number memorized. lol. We both have living wills on file at the clinic and hospital and power of attorney to my brother, so there won't be any nasty surprises there and when the time comes my brother will be tremendous help to me. So except for unnecessary worrying, I am fairly stress free and make sure that I get some "me" time out with friends and my daughter once a week. Again, thanks for your input, it really did help.

Gypsy, I think you are right. I think he is accepting of the fact that he doesn't have many years left. He talks about the past a lot and when he talks about the future, it is what I will have to do when he is gone, like getting help defrosting the freezer, etc. His whole focus is being sure that I will be okay. So when he isn't feeling good I just come to my office and do my genealogy research, sewing, and bead stringing. When he is feeling okay, like today, we went out to breakfast and a little shopping. Now we'll stay in where it's cool.

Thanks for your input and good perspective.

Farmgirl-great to see you back. I'm going to try to be the optimist. Does "I'm getting used to it" mean just that-he's getting used to getting old and not having the same energy he did. I know when I had a lot of back pain "I got used to it" I am sure you are the same way with your health problems. I agree that if he hasn't been he should go for a good checkup-please keep us posted on how you and hubby are doing. Gypsy

FG good to see you back I kinda get it, my mom was like that too (my MIL is) she was just tired of the constant fight and while its sad to watch going from "fight to flight" sweetie *s'cuse me while I gulp* cause I get that part they are tired, they are frustrated, life is no longer a good ride for them... everyone around them is picking up things they used to do with ease they feel like a burden, its depression setting in. Now I dont know whether you have him on a depression med and at this point I dont know if you want to give him one but I would try it and see if it helps.
My heart goes out to you baby please know that.

Farmgirl, It's good to see you back.

I can't say what he means by this, and I wouldn't have the nerve to ask him, but if an opportunity presents itself, you may have to do just that, very carefully of course.

I am sure this is an alarming situation for you, and I am so sorry. There most be so much stress involved. At least you can still get him out and about, so don't go borrowing trouble.

When was his last medical workup? And what did it indicate? Can you share that?

Being realistic is slightly different from being fatalistic. There never seems to be enough strength to go around , But if you concern yourself too much with tomorrow, you may miss out on a lot today. We all need to have our ducks in a row, because we do not know the number of our days. Bless you Sweetie, you have my prayers.