When I take my father out, he always wants to invite his caregiver. In fact, if she says “no,” he just keeps asking. When I tell them, “But she works 24 hours a day, can’t you give her a little time off?” he still badgers her to come.

Not just to doctor’s appointments or practical things, but also when we are having a little family outing. He doesn’t seem to consider she is an employee. He feels so bad leaving her home alone, even if I insist that a particular lunch really is family only, we have to bring lunch back to her.

I like to go out with him alone because she does not allow him much independence, and I want him to get a “taste of freedom” hoping maybe he will like it.

Also, I want friends and family to see him as “easy to take out”. My real, actual old dad that they used to enjoy, doing the things he used to do. So what if he now has a walker!?! Maybe they could consider taking him out! It really is easy – he got out of the car 100% by himself the other day. If the caregiver is there, she swings his legs out of the car even though he can do that himself. And heaven forbid that he should stand up by himself!

Bottom line, if I take him out independently, they see a different person than one who requires a baby-sitter all the time. If other people start taking him out, he becomes happier, life becomes more normal, and I (sigh) might actually get to stay home for a day and do delightfully fun things like clean my house.

Thoughts?

quote:

Sorry for writing so much.

Hun you think each of us here didnt ask a million questions when we first started?
And still we ask questions thats how we excel at what we do...honey if you find a cg afraid or never bothering to ask questions be afraid....
Its only the high an mighty that THINK they know everything and I aint talkin JUST caregivers neither **hint hint**

When we go out, she doesn't come any more. Thanks for giving me a shove on this one. So that's solved, I think.

See my other question posts for more...
Sorry for writing so much.

quote:

Or am I just jealous?

Yeah you could be hun...But as you yourself pointed out YOU are his daughter he is YOUR dad and that little girl ought to know better then to ingratiate herself into YOUR time with him...
Let dads comments roll off he is showing signs of dependence and I really do think you need to call her company up and speak to the scheduler and have her replaced.
Step one if she hasnt really done anything wrong tell them while you think shes great you would really prefer that she be replaced, and you can be honest with them and also tell them that you wish to keep this confidential that if the subject comes up tell dad she was needed elsewhere.
MB is spot on about the reason we ask, I hate to say this hun but I had experience with this up close and personal with this lady I lost and lemme tell you something this broad STILL works for this co. simply because the "proof" I was witness to suddenly up and disappeared in a nights time.
If I didnt have a boss that knows me and trusts me...I might have ended up in jail cause as sure as Im settin here I woulda beat her within an inch of her miserable greedy a$$ life and Im wearin the boots that can do it

So lemme just give you my grampas lil warnin (BTW he was a great detective)
Everyone loves a criminal when they first meet um
Yes as MB said there are greats in this biz Your talkin to a few that have ethics as shiny as you can stand but there are a minority out there in this big bad world and since your neck deep in this because of your dad it would serve you well to heed the warnings.
If you like a person fine but just stand back an watch and LISTEN to what they say.

I am never afraid to voice something, look out for the lil trolls who like everything and do that me too crap

Ill add to this: I have never been afraid to speak to the DoN to have them take me off a case because I see this type of behavior coming from someone in fact the first time I did I think she almost fell off her seat

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bunnys_grl,

quote:

MB and BG, emotionally dependent you say? I’d say so, and probably getting worse if I don’t do something about it. Or am I just jealous?

Lantern, there's a reason we asked... While most people who work in the eldercare field are wonderful, giving people, there are too many who prey on older folks. It is not unheard of that a caregiver might deliberately "court" the affections of a patient to gain control of their money, estate, possessions, etc. Some are just plain strange... If this woman came to him via an agency, if she doesn't "let go" a little, it's time to go talk with the DoN of the agency and express concern about an unhealthy attachment forming. Some patients just emotionally cling to a caregiver and the pros know how to recognize and circumvent this unhealthy situation.

Don't second-guess your instincts. Keep your eyes wide open!!

Thanks for your thoughts! You’re painting the picture of “the way it’s ‘sposed to be.”

BG, I think your “Ma and Big Sis” were very, very lucky, and it sounds like you really know people.

MB and BG, emotionally dependent you say? I’d say so, and probably getting worse if I don’t do something about it. Or am I just jealous?

When I took my dad out for a ride to see a building my cousin remodeled, and then to lunch, I have to say I was a little hurt that my company wasn’t good enough, and that he badgered the caregiver to get her to come also. But he often does like to invite everyone and make them feel welcome, that way he doesn’t have to do the talking. However, when he then had me drive by the house of his “rich “ nephew so he show off how elaborate it was, the red flags started waving big time.

I think she has him wrapped around her little finger, and I think also that she doesn’t think I’m realistic in my expectations of him. I almost wouldn’t mind if she used her influence to get him to do things, but she does way too much for him and if she keeps telling him he can’t do this or that, that’s bad!

Anyway, as Bobcat said, I did “stir up some dust” yesterday. I insisted that he and I go out for a haircut ALONE – she heard me, he apparently did not. While we were sitting in the barber shop, he said, “Didn’t she want to come?”

I have to admit I showed my frustration as I had a little heart-to-heart with him. I said I was tired of entertaining his employees, and I also explained that family things were family affairs only, and she was also not coming to the upcoming family party of his lady friend. I told him he does NOT want his lady-friend and her family to see him as somebody needing a baby-sitter -- it will make them happier to see him as a man on the road to recovery! And they don’t want to have to entertain his employees either.

Such issues, I feel like I’m stuck in a soap opera.

quote:

Originally posted by Moms_Buddy:
Is there any chance your dad has a "crush" on the caregiver or is emotionally dependent on her? Does she encourage this?

Yeah thats the first thought that came to my mind too......Hmmmmm thoughts Lantern???

Is there any chance your dad has a "crush" on the caregiver or is emotionally dependent on her? Does she encourage this?

Mom does have CGs that stay for more than a 36 hour stretch but I may have to rethink that soon as Mom's care becomes more intense. I agree completely with BG, but here is another thing that concerns me.

If your Dad actually needs the intensity of care that this CG provides, the agency I use would not consider him a candidate for a live in. They would only do that as shift work. In fact, Mom no longer strictly qualifies for a live in, but the agency lady who comes now likes Mom and the environment and it is only 1 24 hour period so she has not yet complained. This agency stipulates that a live in has an uninterrupted 8 hour period off duty as a rule, even if they can't leave the house. In fact, they are only actually paid for the other 16 hours if you look at it from that point.

Everyone who works for Mom immediately heads out of sight after saying hello to company with a quick, "Call me if you need anything". They aren't shy at all about it. "Poof".

I will admit this, though. Starting about 16 months ago I began hiring one of the CGs to go with us if it was going to be a big deal event (there have been 3 of those) for 3+ hours. I wanted to visit and I needed breaks. CG got paid extra because she ended up running around to fetch for all the old aunties. She should really have gotten tips. Last valentines I took Mom to a birthday party an hour away by ourselves. I am glad I took her, but I sort of 'missed' the party if you know what I mean.

All that aside, I think your take on this is right on center. It does deter others from visiting or taking him out if there is a hoverer or sitter staring you down. You should get a chance to really kick up your heels and stir up the dust a little.

Honey unless dad needs actual hands on 24 hour care then her lil butt stays home PERIOD

If I have an actual repore with a family and I mean the entire family the most I will do is chat with them for a moment then I leave the room.
When it comes to something like family outings unless that person needs medical care 24/7 ie on O2/respiratory issues, heart etc and they still have a lil get up an go then and ONLY then do I accompany a person anywhere.

Look I just lost someone at the end of last year that meant the world to me and visa versa, she called me her daughter, her own daughter is like a sister to me and I love her, we talk everyday and we live cross country from each other she is the reason I had her mom, she picked me out when she saw me handling her mother just like she would.
But Ill tell you straight out I would back off respectfully from any family function.
Only in the end did I accompany her anywhere simply because I knew her best and I was the only one that could handle her.
She couldnt get away with nothing on my watch not like the others she sent cryin from the house OMG my Ma was a Drama Queen (my big sis will attest to that!)but love her I did I miss her so much.
Now this kind of repore only happens once in a blue moon, sometimes people just click but that doesnt give a cg the right to interfere in family functions.
Take this girl aside and make her understand she is the cg period she is not to go to family/friend functions no matter how many times dad asks, whines, or wails.
Her stock answer should ALWAYS be she has something to do and needs to get it done today thank you for asking though.