I have never put a message out on this or any other forum, but after a day like today, I am looking for any suggestions.
My elderly parents (dad is 88 and mom is 84) live relatively independently in an apartment fairly close to me. But, my mom’s health is slipping and she is in & out of the hospital monthly, if not more. She has diabetes, circulation problems, has a triple by pass a few years ago last summer had breast cancer with a partial macrodome and some dementia. Day to day they are ok for now, but that changing rather quickly and while my dad can take care of himself, I don't know how much longer he will be able to do it. I am the only person in town that can help with issues, so I am always getting the calls to come over; the ambulance is on its way to take her in, or to meet them at the hospital at a moments notice. My dad still drives, but can drive after dark. I am a widow myself with two young children (14 and 10) that need me also, and I want to be sure they are given every opportunity, and I work full time.
I asked them to get a meals on wheels type of service, but they "don' need that", so I am trying to bring a meal over at least once a week. I am wondering if there we could get an aid to come in and check on them so we might have some warning of upcoming incidents. I don't know where to start or how to start telling my parents into have more support around the house, because I can't always drop everything and come running, even though I wish I could. My father is a very proud man who thinks it would be a personal fault if he could no longer take care of them. I have asked that a social worker that is affiliated with the home nursing they use to come and visit them and do an assessment (I couldn't even tell them I requested it, we said it was part of her last discharge from the hospital).
While everyone tells me that I shouldn't do all the running, how can I not. Just the running around with kids & parents is getting to me, for instance when my mom is in the hospital, I get out of work, get the kids (to either their thing, shoveling them off on their friends parents) or the 20 minute drive to the hospital to see Grandma while they do their home work, after that I have to run over to my dad (20 minutes in another direction) to help him remove surgical type stockings he has to wear every day, then finally home.
I just need to somehow get my parents to accept outside help, but I am not completely sure of their financial picture and they don't want to accept any type of charity, because I can't do it all anymore. Does anyone have any suggestions for getting them to accept help? I hate telling them they have to, because I said so. I think it’s hard on them having been run the show.
I guess I covered everything, and the posting is rather lengthy. I hope that's ok, I know it helped me get it off my chest a little. Any suggestions would be so appreciated.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Casey,

Eldercare is a huge market and it is only growing. I recently read that the number of people 65 and older hit about 506 million as of midyear 2008, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. This will double to 1.3 billion by 2040, accounting for 14 percent of the total global population.
I think that aging in place and in-home care will be a big part of that aging solution.

Keep up the great posts ,
Pilar

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bunnys_grl,

quote:

Originally posted by Mar:
... in the begining she felt as she was helping out a "student nurse" and actually enjoyed her visits and told everyone about how she helped this girl since her own daughter wouldn't become a nurse.

Thanks for this. I guess that's the key: maintain their sense of pride, so if they can feel they are being useful to someone, it makes all the difference. Huh, helping a "student" -- I'll have to remember that one.

Hi, Missa -

I have the same problem as you: a stubborn dad who won't accept outsiders, but has no problem running you ragged -- and I am too softhearted to assert my own needs. This: why is proud to run his son ragged?

It's less what your dad needs than what you need: moral support to overcome your father's objections. You need to work on the ability not to feel guilty, but recognize you are doing a lot for everybody already. Here's a practice phone conversation:
"Hi, Dad. Gosh, I'm sorry, I can't come over this morning/afternoon/evening to help you with that, as I'm tied up at work/with the kids/I have a date. However, I have a 'friend' who is going to drop by there for me, and he/she will be able to help. Okay? I'll call later to see how things are."

Budget how much time you really can spend: on errands, small emergencies, major emergencies, and also quality enjoyable time with your parents. Better to have a helper for the errands and small emergencies, so when you see your parents, you can really enjoy each other. And you have to be able to say no sometimes and feel okay that you really are doing enough for them. They'll get used to it. Or if they don't, recognize your own limits and also how crucial all of their needs (or wants) are.

Call Home Health immediately. They have aides who will visit the home, and Mother's is really super. Mother loves her. Also nurses regularly check on Mother and her endless bladder infections. She loves having the company. The aide gives her two baths a week which is all I want since her skin is fragile. She washes Mother's hair on Friday, but the best thing is that she sits and drinks coffee and smokes with Mother and just chats for about 30 minutes on each visit. We adore her and she does quite well out of us since we give her lots of gifts and stuff. We gave her a Bunn coffeemaker for her birthday and she just goes on and on about it. Dianna really knows how to praise people for a gift. I'm worrying about how to top that for Christmas. She also helps me with bringing in the mail and if the trash cans are at the curb, she'll set them up by the garage. That relieves me of that chore. I was really sick this last week with a sinus infection and bronchitis, and Mother's aide helped me by just sympathizing with me. Another thing I recommend if you can afford it is a housekeeper. We have a lady come once a week, but you can do it every two weeks or whatever. Our housekeeper, Vickey, is a godsend and we also adore her. I was so sick and we were running out of milk so Vickey went and got some for me. I just don't know how to tell these women how much they mean to us. So call Home Health and look for a good housekeeper. They can really enrich your and your parents lives. When I decided to get a housekeeper because I work and we do have a lot of animals, my doctor told me that was one of the best things I could do to relieve stress. And it does. I don't have to slave away all weekend cleaning house and I get to relax a little. You could spend some good time with the kids. Remember, you are no good to the kids or to your parents if you are exhausted and stressed out. Have a massage or a pedicure. I do that on occasion and it helps. I also commune with nature a lot. Birds are God's gifts to stressed out people. I think caregivers get into a martyr role and forget themselves. That is bad because they poop out and no one is doing well. Hope these suggestions help. It took me 5 years to figure them out, but I don't think I'm going to die before Mother does anymore.

Sandra,
I am so glad I could help you! Let me know if it works, it was surely a lifesaver for me!

~A

Anita, I just read this and WOW....THANK YOU for this link and reply to Missa. I am definitely going to look into this. I have 2 parents who have become my children and cannot help themselves. I'm stretched beyond what I ever thought I could or would be able to do and this may be something of great value for my situation.

Thank you again!

Hugs,
Sandy

quote:

Originally posted by AnitaG:
I totally understand where you are coming from. My mother is very stubborn on her independence and refuses to give it up. Her health is slipping aswell, but I found a way to compromise. I bought a monitoring system, it's about $2.50 a day. It monitors your parents and you can get online alerts and they system alerts you, and the medical facilties if anything 'abnormal' is going on. It's very good a detecting even the slightest condition that your partents may need help. I found that it was a great nursing home alternative

Hope this helps! Let me know!
~A

I totally understand where you are coming from. My mother is very stubborn on her independence and refuses to give it up. Her health is slipping aswell, but I found a way to compromise. I bought a monitoring system, it's about $2.50 a day. It monitors your parents and you can get online alerts and they system alerts you, and the medical facilties if anything 'abnormal' is going on. It's very good a detecting even the slightest condition that your partents may need help. I found that it was a great nursing home alternative

Hope this helps! Let me know!
~A

quote:

So, my point is, I had to stop being the child and step in to make mature decisions for these two elders ... my very own parents.

Hiya Missa - sorry I missed your post!! Gettin' BLIND in my old age...

Janie made a good point that reflects my feelings about caring for elders being the last stage of "growing up" for us... When WE have to assume the mantle that they did (remember, they had parents and elders, too, and most faced similar issues), I think THAT'S when we have earned our wings. It is tough and having two parents - a couple - to deal with is MORE than double trouble! At some point, whether now or later, you are gonna have to talk to them "straight up." You may have to arrange for Meals On Wheels and other services for them and simply TELL them THIS is what we are going to try to see if we can make things better for their welfare AND for yours...

quote:

My father is a very proud man who thinks it would be a personal fault if he could no longer take care of them.

I so understand how your father feels and I suspect it may be hard for me to accept help later on in life also. What he NEEDS to realize is that being a caregiver to his wife would be a huge effort if he were a much younger man - he wants the best for her and he NEEDS help to provide that for her! Besides her being his wife, she is also your mother and you have a right to see that she AND he are taken care of!

It sounds like you need to find out about their finances, etc. and get some legal things settled PRONTO! If something were to happen to your dad suddenly (always a possibility...) things could get mighty difficult real quickly...

Do you have siblings? Are there any other family members who could assist? If not, have you looked into assisted living, etc.? With kids at "that busy time of life," and working full time, it's plain dang impossible for you to keep running the roads doing so many tasks! Your parents obviously raised a sensible, independent, energetic, responsible woman - now is the time to remind them they did a good job and now it's time to lean on you to help them make some decisions for their future.

I think having the social worker involved will help - what they might not "take" from you, they may accept better from a professional.

Hang in there and please keep us updated!

Missa Janie said it well and this is where alot of people out there have a problem, because your the "child"...as long as you hold on to that your not going to get that much needed point across.
I know it can be hard but it must be done. When talking to them speak to them like they are not related to you (but with respect) its the only way...you must detach yourself. This is for their safety and it sounds like its time for them to move to an AL facility which would make it alot easier on you. Get a Social worker involved so they can help you figure out their next step and do straighten out their finances because if your the only one you need to know things.

Hi Missa. My folks are beyond being proud. My father cannot do anything for himself (severe stroke, dementia, prior cancer treatment) and my mother is blind and very sickly. We all gladly accept whatever help is available.

With this said, an aid would definitely reduce the stress you're now under and for this alone, would your father possibly give in to your request that you want an aid for your peace of mind as well as for them? A loving plea to him with the slant/emphasis on what he would be doing for you if you knew they were being provided for/looked after in your absence? Also if your parents are so proud, they can be reminded that this is a business, that there's no emotional attachment to this service and it's just to make life easier for them. I would suggest if a sensitive approach doesn't work, gather up all your courage and insist!

You have so much on your plate Missa. It's such added stress when folks don't cooperate when it would make life easier for you and them. Please let us know the outcome with this. Take care of yourself.

Sandy

Missa, My dad was the same way. He would not let anybody in the house and the one time the nurse did come in he called the police on her! With my mom we told her it was that she had to have help or legally they said she had to go to a nursing home. That scared her enough and with her doctor's help he said he'd send over a "friend" who needs company. Now she's at the point that she doesn't know anybody but in the begining she felt as she was helping out a "student nurse" and actually enjoyed her visits and told everyone about how she helped this girl since her own daughter wouldn't become a nurse.

Missa, welcome! And, don't you EVER worry about the length of a post, ok? Ahhhhh, elderly and prideful parents! Been there; done that, hon.

After my mother's heart attack, her doc recommended home therapy, but both parents adamantly refused! "We do not WANT or NEED anyone in our home!" I live three hours from them, but I told them it was crucial for mother to have that therapy and, "would you have it if I was here with you?" They begrudingly agreed.

Oh yeah, talk about your role reversal/sandwich generation situations! After the first few visits, they fell in love with this aide who came in to help mother.

So, my point is, I had to stop being the child and step in to make mature decisions for these two elders ... my very own parents. You may have to do the same. I also want to mention that my parents had already drawn up their Wills, Power of Attorneys, etc. Have your parents done this yet? If not, I would encourage you to set this in motion. Your life will be easier "later on."

Good luck. BTW, that social worker just "happening" to come in was a good idea. Have you talked with anyone at the home nursing facility about these issues with your parents? They may have some wonderful suggestions for you.