Good afternoon everyone,

I am helping my Mom-she's 83 and had a stroke back in April. She's got some feeling loss in her right hand which she does hand therapy and loss of feeling around her mouth. She's slightly tipsy-they released her 2 1/2 days after the stroke because she could walk 240 feet with a walker-all she uses now is a cane, but usually in the wrong hand-the right side. She sometimes gets her thoughts jumbled, but for the most part makes sense. She does slur her words if she tries to speak to fast. She lives alone in her own house next to ours. She's having no other therapy except for her hand. They've warned us that she will fall again because she insists she can do it all herself.

The one problem we've been having is that she's always been thin. When she went into the hospital she was around 86lbs. She's now down to 80. She's finally been put on Lipitor-her cholesterol ran high for years under another Dr's care-we fired them when she had her stroke-they were idiots. She's got herself convinced she can't eat pasta-too much cholesterol and sodium, milk-too much cholesterol. She eats basically only salads, a few tablespoonful of a veggies, maybe a slice of bread or half a baked potato. She is obsessed with reading food labels. Personally, I think she should just eat and put some weight back and forget what the other Drs office that was screwed up told her.

We'll bring her meals and it takes her 2 days or better to eat it. She is having trouble chewing-the therapist and I found that out yesterday for the 1st time-she'd not told anyone. I want to bang my head on a wall somedays because it's all making me bonkers. She was told to have 2 Boost drinks a day and Gatorade as often as she can because she refuses to have airconditioning and when it's hot they want her to drink-well she's had only 1 in two weeks.

Any advice, or suggestions. She's extremely stubborn. She refuses to have anyone else in to help out-I am it. I can't ask for assistance because she won't allow anyone in her home. The new Dr is having her do some blood work to see if there is anything underlying there. Even the therapist is becoming alarmed at how much she's lost.

Thanks for getting this far.
Nell

i'm confused. if your mom can eat salad, why can't she eat other things that are easier to swallow and chew. boost drinks are hard to take, slim fast actually tastes better. gatorade is also nasty, even my son who is very athletic only drinks it if he has too. what about jazzing it up with sugar free koolaid or making jello from it? slimfast is good blended with a scoop of ice cream on a hot day.does your mom understand how this stress of her eating can affect your health. i worry about both of you. i have spent many years trying to get the most nutritional bang for my buck and even then i fail sometimes.she will not like being hospitalized on an IV for dehydration. remind her of that. i know you are beating your head against a brick wall. i wish i could help more. remind her also that if her weight reaches a certain point you will have no choice but to look at the hospital for her. please put on a football helmet if you are going to bang your head against the wall.

Hello everyone!

Thanks for some great tips! I will try and get the protein powder-I use it myself so I can lose weight. I'll have to see if she still has a blender-I've not seen it in over 25 years at the house. She's very fussy as a eater. Her favorite fruit-grapefruit-is off limits because of the Lipitor. She doesn't like yogurt-barely tolerates pudding. At the hospital they gave her some special type of ice cream that was more custard like-I'll have to check the health food stores here to see if there is anything like it.

As to getting someone else in there-it wouldn't happen at all. She like many of her age are packrats. You can barely walk in the house-drive me bonkers when I go over-I can't throw anything away-even MY old stuff and I've not lived home for 20 years. She still has my late Father's clothing hanging up and in closets. He's been gone for 10 years. I've offered to figure out how to have us all in one home-but she flat out refuses-that's why she's still in her place and won't let anyone help her. It's hard because if my kids have tournaments away now-my husband stays home to help with her since she won't allow anyone else in.

I've got to go shopping tomorrow-I'll hit up the whole wheat pastas. She doesn't like garlic, certain sauces give her a rash-I have no idea why. She won't eat gravies, doesn't eat meat very much-a Purdue pre-cooked chicken packet that serves 3-lasts her for over a week. Her idea of serving sizes are really wacked. She won't cook meat-Hubby cooked a nice london broil one night and I brought over about 4 oz of it, it took her 3 days to eat it-before I knew she was having trouble chewing. She won't eat foods that have sauces in it at all-spaghetti with Ragu is a reach.

As to what her intake should be for sodium or cholesterol-NO ONE has told us at all. I've got a call into her Dr, so hopefully I'll hear back by Monday on that end.

It's so frustrating-no matter what we say, how we do it, she's got it in her head it's her way or no way. My late Father had a stroke back when I was 19-and believe me-he didn't starve himself and was very robust until the year he passed. We still have his special knives he had for eating, as well has all the aids they had us buy-she's been using them if she needs to.

I think when the Dr calls, I'll mention about the chewing and swallowing. The old Dr(who was new to the group and on at the hospital only-was profoundly deaf-he lip read-still can't figure out how he could tell how she was speaking). He never checked her for those things-they even sent her home without a MRI! That whole group she'd been with since the 50's has become dangerous.

Thanks for giving me advice and letting of some of the frustrations. I guess I knew this day would come to pass-I'd gone back to work this year for the 1st time in 11 years too. Talk about feeling pressured. I fit all her appointments in between school bus runs. I am a type 2 diabetic(PCOS induced) and I don't have time for me somedays, I used to walk between runs, now it's Dr's, therapy, errands. I am a only child to boot and their no other family alive but me. So thanks for letting me come here and get good tips and see I am not the only one dealing with this.

Nell

hi ladybly and welcome. you came to the right place. i would like to get my hands on her old doc. they don't realize how much power they wield over people of that generation. i'm sure you have already picked up a book on cholesteral levels in foods but out of curiousity i went through my pantry and was hard put to find much cholesteral in there. i have had to eat nothing but liquid foods for 10 years and i know how to get nutrition in me and fight to keep weight on. it sounds like the experience with the old doc has created the beginnings of an eating disorder. she can have veggie chili, sweet potatoes french fried in veg oil, very soft, baked beans, bean or pea soup, in fact many soups flavored with mrs. dash's low sodium. i could go on forever. what is her max intake of soduim and cholesteral supposed to be? give her the book, the numbers and a calorie chart and ask her to help make up menus with her that will satisfy her needs. get an appointment with nutritionist who can help with her dietary needs and have mom help with an acceptable menu.fruit smoothies are great, made with bananas, good fort he heart, any fruits, a bit of orange or pineapple juice and a package of fruit flavored protein powder are great. i'm not fond of any protein powder but the fruit and juice mask the flavor and it is refreshing,healthy and rehydrating during these hot days. i could go on, but i think i would end up writng a book. she needs to be informed that the old doc gave her bad info and she neeeds to be retrained, that's why she's in the boat she's in. she seeems to want to obsess on health so arm her with new info and make sure she's heavily involved in planning, but with correct info. sorry, easier said than done.i have a dutch mother in law who wrote the book on stubborn. i think she's even mentioned in websters under the word, stubborn, as noun, verb, adjective, adverb... i will talk to you later, give someone else the opportunity to talk to you. by the way i care for an 87 year old alz, have one 17 year old boy and enjoy being a mom. basketball, tennis, tae kwon do, soccer, the whole nine yoards. he has come up with the plan, carved in stone to join the marines in nine months, not my choice by far. i will talk to you soon. welcome.

Welcome in LadyBly, What a task to have in your lap.??? Stubborn, scared , and resistant. That's what you are up against. Right? and how to get some badly needed relief ??

I cannot handle all my Mom's needs alone, I am the first to admit it, and I did have to put my foot down about this, but the situation is different. I have my own home 30 minutes away, that is truely not adaptable for her. We would have to add on, and the county would not give us a permit (understandably) because the property is too small, for the extra load on the septic tank and well system we have. So since she wants to be at home, not in a home, she had to accept help. She needs 24/7 aid.

It really is possible to sneak people in. How sneaky you need to be will depend on how aware/ needy your Mom is. Mom now knows there WILL be CGs, but I am on call. And I do spend 2 24+ hour periods a week with her and shop and visit.
It may help at first to introduce people, as a friend of mine that needs a job, and is here to do help me do some light housekeeping. Let her bustle around, and sit and visit a bit. Then say, (oh, maybe) "Mary" says we are out of x, (some cleaning supply). "I am going to the store to get it. "Mary will bring you your Boost, and keep you company while I'm gone". Let it happen. But don't be gone long, and be sure to come back with a bag from the store with x in it.

Yes it is manipulation, yes it is deceitful, but it sounds as if your situation is coming close to ready for this. You will have to decide. the variables are; Can you find someone who will go along with this, your comfort level with tricking your Mom, and, can she possibly fall for this or something similar. ???

While I am extremely careful how I introduce a new CG, my Mom is able to understand that CGs are necessary if she is to stay at home instead of "in a HOME". I have found one through her church ( a CG of a church member who was left jobless when the family decided their Mom had to move to a Nursing Home) another is a niece of a previous CG, who helped with my Dad. Another was the CG of a client of my Bro's friend, who was left jobless, when the client passed away. I "stole " another from an agency ( a nieghbor of mine) who could no longer cope with being shifted from client to client and wanted to go private.

They are out there. Net work to church, civic groups, nieghbor hood. They can remind your Mom, the Dr. says you should drink this now.

There is no one thing that works for everone, I can only say you have come to the right place to get a wealth of experience, from all sides of a situation. I shared what I do, it might or might not be workable for you. Don't give up, don't cave in. You are a fine example of caring and love.

Welcome here.

LadyBly welcome in Im sorry about your mom I feel for you last weigh in my MIL was at 74lbs.
Your moms stroke has also probably deadened her taste buds if her mouth is affected so theres another problem things taste like cardboard thats what my FIL said he was a chef in his former years and allowing him to cook....BAD idea he overcompensated with salt, dang near fried my tongue on that dish! But seriously LB Torp has a great suggestion there with health food.
Depending on her height (Im guessing she has got to be taller than my MIL 4'9" stature) you are going to have to tell her in order to get a bit more "healthy" (stress that) she needs to put on a few more pounds noodles are a great way to do that if she can swallow that if she likes fruits and veggies great I used to make a pasta dish for us here my MIL enjoyed with fresh tomatoes garlic and basil simmered in chicken broth and spooned over angel hair pasta cut up in to smaller lengths (they slide easier than the spaghetti also drizzle a little olive oil on it) See if she'll try things like that make sure to mention they are egg free pastas you picked up just for her since she is so health conscious. Make her feel special so she gets you are just as concerned as she is. If she sees you are conforming to her way of thinking she may ease up a bit and eat more
And I have got to agree with Torp on that ensure stuff wooo weee Nasty stuff!
We prefer the shakes also in this house with fresh fruits and yogurt I added a little coconut milk to mine for a tropical taste since my MIL prefers that.

Have you thought about buying her more whole wheat pastas and so forth in a health food brand? While they are probably nutritionally fairly equal, mentally she may find them more acceptable. Once they get their little brains programmed one way, it's really disorienting to them to have to accept new ideas so you have to work around them. You might also try some homemade smoothie recipes which have fruits and yogurt in them and maybe add a little protein powder from the health food store. This will get more fluid into her as well.

Personally, I don't blame her for not wanting to drink boost or gatorade. They are NASTY tasting, and gatorade upsets many people's stomachs. My daughter is an athlete, and can't drink it for this reason. We buy the flavored waters.

There are medications which boost appetite, but the problem there is that all of them tend to make them drowsy and more of a fall risk. Our LO was given remeron (an antidepressant) and it helped with appetite, but she was really wobbly. She was in the nursing home for rehab, which made it safer.

But I suspect that a large portion of the problem is the swallowing, even though she may not be able to understand or articulate it. Speech therapy is the usual remedy for swallowing issues. What I found interesting about the speech therapy is that they can also work with them on the memory issues as well since it's all about the brain and how the impairments affect them. Our LO was already very cognitively impaired prior to her last stroke, but was still able to regain her ability to chew and swallow food properly with daily therapy over several weeks. This is covered by medicare. Sometimes the therapists can get them to listen to reason better than their family can. I can see where it might be difficult to transition to being more or less parented by your children. Our LO's speech therapist had a gift for giving her straight talk without offending her. She was also a lot of help to us in giving us advice on ways to organize our LO's daily living in such a way that she was better able to function in it.

Another thing that we discovered after our LO's last stroke was that she also was having difficulty managing a knife and fork. We noticed that her food preferences were running toward certain items which we thought was taste, but then it dawned on us that these were all foods that can be eaten with the fingers instead of utensils.