Ideally, it would be great if my dad had a caregiver that would drive him for simple things like a hair cut. Would it be reasonable to request someone who does? Would they drive his car (large and easy to get into) or would they use their own vehicle?

Any other thoughts on finding the ideal caregiver?

Sorry I didnt see the last post.
Hun just call the "on call" up at the agency and tell them to send another cg you dont need to do all that you are thinking its just a phone call that needs to be made.
ANd I would do it now so you dont need to endure her one more day. "On calls" are available 24 hours a day as we are also on call 24 hours a day

quote:

BG, good idea on bringing in a new caregiver every day for a week. I wonder what my father will think of that. I wonder what the agency would think???

Hmmm what would your dad think?
Well he needs to get used to that cause not all cg's stay employed by their companies.
Just tell him you would like to find an alternate just in case and leave it at that.
What would the agency think?
Pffft who cares you PAY them...it really doesnt matter, you just tell them you are looking for someone who can accommodate your demands ie rehabilitate your father.

MB brings up things Iv been wanting to ask also starting with how is his cognitive skills after all this trauma he went through?

I happen to think getting him to stay with you for a week would be an excellent idea I might even go for 2 weeks just to see if there is any changes in him...the more time spent by your side I think is a good thing, you see things you wouldnt normally see on a "visit"

Ok, decision made. We went down there and she was worse than ever. Even my husband was incensed. Poor dad, I feel like he’s some kind of hostage in his own home.

Tomorrow AM I will be at their door and ask to speak to the boss or the bosses boss. I will tell them that we need another caregiver because she is not enabling him. She knew him when he was really sick, and keeps treating him the same way. We need a fresh start, someone who will work with him as he is now, feeling better.

I could tell you story after story, it’s a lot more than that, but I’m moving on.

Question is, in theory it sounds good. But in practice… HELP! After that, do I drive to my dad’s house and tell the caregiver? Does the boss drive with me and tell her? Do I wait nervously in his house until she gets the phone call? Do I get my dad out of there and leave her alone to pack her bags? How soon and when would she get picked up? Should I drive her home?

She is going TOMORROW -- or else my dad is, and I’m bringing him here. I feel like I’m on some kind of rescue mission.

And MB, thanks for the input. I agree completely about the driving, and I don’t think he will resume. But he loves to get around, and it would be grand if he had somebody who does the driving for him. Some people like watching TV – he wants to go out. Could I find such a person? “Driving Miss Daisy” comes to mind.

As for my expectations, I know he will not get back to where he was before. But he was so good before, even loss of many abilities leaves him in pretty good shape. Right now, all I’m asking – begging – the caregivers to do is: Allow him to do what he has already proven he can do!

And my two main goals: 1) Let him walk around his own house by himself with his walker without someone holding onto his gait belt, and 2) Teach him to use the bathroom independently – I think they are within reach. When we go to the restaurant, I never hold onto him, and I feel he is perfectly safe. I watch him closely when he navigates a difficult passage, but I don’t hang on for dear life. Why can’t he do that when he goes from his recliner to the dining room table? (PT issue to be addressed in family meeting.)

And the bathroom – I helped him today in the bathroom and he is doing well. Wiping is a problem, and the OT is working with him on stretches for his. The caregiver ought to be on board with this.

I don’t think I’m unrealistic, and neither does my husband or his lady-friend. But the lesson for me is that I have given that impression, and as a prelude to the family meeting, I will re-iterate my objectives, ESPECIALLY that they at least let him do what he has already proven that he can do.

Thanks for all your feedback. And MB, I will read and reread your post also, as a reality check.

I’m a nervous wreck.

Lantern, enabling is a double-edged sword. While one caregiver might be enabling him to remain disabled, another might uplift him to enable him to make a better recovery. And then sometimes, it doesn't matter one way or the other - a person can only progress to the point that THEY are individually able to do! It's obvious that your dad wants to please you, but he may not be able to deliver on getting himself back to the level of "the good old days." Sometimes all the king's horses and all the king's men cannot put our Humptys together again...

Since you ARE the only child (for some reason, I thought there were other sibs?...), you will have to step up to do for your dad. It is possible that he will return to his former ability level - but for how long? This has been a wakeup call for you to realize that he IS getting older and will, most likely, lose more of his abilities as he continues to age. Continuing to drive 25,000 miles/year is NOT a red-hot idea at his age, particularly with his recent medical history. He needs to wean away from driving rather than be encouraged to continue driving as much as he was accustomed to doing. I (and many others here) can attest to the fact that it's hard to get folks to give up driving and the consequences can be deadly for them and others. My mom would have lived her last 10 years more independently and vitally had I & my sis pulled her driving privileges BEFORE the accident (her fault) which caused her to have to give up living independently. Hindsight is a bitter thing...

I don't think you are opening a can of worms, but I DO think you are expecting/hoping for a caregiver or combination situation that will serve him as individually as a family member would do and that's as rare as the dodo bird!! You have not mentioned his financial status, but keep an eye toward the future... It's HARD to afford the kind of care that elderly folks need to rehab from a bad spell of medical traumas, but even if one can, will there be enough money to keep him whole for the rest of his life?

I appreciate what you want for him. I wanted the same kinds of things for my mom and that's why I undertook her care myself. Having him come stay with you for a week might be a good idea so you can evaluate and think about ALL solutions, such as having him live closer to you or with you and employing people to care for him under your supervision.

If your father's cognitive skills have declined, he may not be able to make the best decisions for himself vis a vis his living situation and his caregiver. Has he been evaluated for how well his cognitive skills have suffered (or not)?

Your dad may or may not be able to rehab to his former level. He may or may not have the most talented people around him to help him to do so. Caring for aging people IS an art. Rehabbing them after a health issue is much more difficult than a younger adult. Attrition is not on his side! People have only so many "restarts" in them before they are simply unable to make it the entire way back to where they were before the doodoo hit the fan...

Fight the good fight, dear, but keep your eyes wide open. No matter how well he does THIS time, there will be another... and another... One of the hardest things for us to understand as adult children is to realize that our parents are mortal... We've seen them get knocked down and bounce back, be strong and vital our whole lives! That they might not be able to always be that way is almost inconceivable to us! I remember the first time I looked at my mom and realized "she's an OLD lady!" Tough stuff to comprehend! My job as her caregiver was to provide the best, most individual care possible while she went about the last 8 declining years of her life. There came a time when rehab was denied for her (not my choice). I had to accept that. There came a time when she told me she didn't want to do all that... and I had to accept that. I had to fight just a little bit harder for her than she did for herself, but not so much so that I was in denial about where we were heading, or dragging her through endless appointments, sessions, medications and changes that she really did NOT want... So be SURE that you give yourself frequent reality checks about your dad and his current condition and prognosis.

One thing at a time. You have scheduled the meeting with his care team. Get through that and LISTEN to their evaluations, suggestions and prognoses. While they may not know everything and sometimes are proven wrong, most teams are pretty sharp about what they do and can give you a reasonable idea of how well your dad is doing and whether it's reasonable to expect that he can return to his former life.

MB, dilemma for sure. It would have to be a different caregiver, someone with a different attitude altogether. And this caregiver does not drive for the agency. What kind of sticky situations could I come across? Maybe having a driver is not such a good idea after all.

I don’t think other family members would do errand-type things, though I am hoping they might do some entertainment-type stuff with him. BTW, I’m an only child, and live 1+ hours away.

I really would appreciate someone who enabled him to resume his “old life” as much as possible. Until this year, he used to drive 25,000 miles a year, so getting out and about is what makes him tick. I’ve been doing a lot of that with him.

TORP, good point on the insurance.

BG, good idea on bringing in a new caregiver every day for a week. I wonder what my father will think of that. I wonder what the agency would think???

Being able to read a person and interact with them appropriately is a skill. My dad is mild-mannered, and goes along with most things. I’m sure we’d know when we found the right person who could respect that. A little nutty would be great, too!

I still think I need to get him away from the caregiver and bring him here for a week, so he can be free of the current situation and think about what’s next.

What do I do if my father fights letting the current caregiver go? Here’s a thought… Tell him that as a person gets better, it is best to bring in caregivers with a different set of skills. For instance, this person was great with people who were really, really sick, but now that he’s better, he needs someone with a different set of skills. Such as more skill as an exercise personal-trainer? Or maybe a driver? After all, he went from hospital to nursing home, to home – always because people had different skills at each step of the way.

Am I opening a can of worms?

Thank you all again!

quote:

Ideally, it would be great if my dad had a caregiver that would drive him for simple things like a hair cut.

Refresh my memory - are there other family members in the same area who could take dad out? While it might be convenient, it puts the caregiver and the patient in some kinda sticky situations... AND it's on errands like this that family members can visit with their folks and keep an eye on them...

Given that you already have issues about your father's attachment to his caregiver, do you want to relinquish MORE of his care to that person? I'm confused...

Our caregiver occasionally drove my MIL to errands. I think she enjoyed the change of pace as much as my MIL did! She used her own car and we had to pay mileage, per our contract with the agency. That particular agency didn't want their employees driving the client's car.

I'd check with dad's insurance company just to make sure she'd be covered by his policy. In my state, you can "loan" a car and your policy covers them for liability without adding them to the policy as long as they don't live in the same house with you. But every state's laws are different.

Hun they can do either or.
They can either drive your dads car or drive their own but it is cheaper to allow them to drive yours.
If they drive their own then you get charged by the mile.
And dont worry about insurance we are all up to date on ins thats mandatory.

Lan it is not unreasonable to post a schedule for cg's to follow but on the what to look for idea's..
Id honestly watch them and see how each interacts with your dad.
Do it for a week, have them send out different cg's each day and just watch them.
And please dont judge too harshly right away each of us have unique personalities I know for me I asked my last what she thought of me when I first walked in (sis just said I reminded her of herself) well Ma said I was audacious LMAO!
Yeah I can be but thats what I got off her to begin with thats why we fit so well together.
Hell we sounded like 2 ole Italian ladies most times yellin out a window at each other.
At the end of that conversation asking what she thought she then told me "but that was my first impression what I see standing before me is a loving and loyal daughter who protects me and loves this crusty ole lady no matter what I do" **sniff gulp sniff**

What I am doing is showing you while I may come off at first like Im "audacious" (trust me she was the most audacious person I have EVER met) or something its just a case of what I get off of the person as a human being and maybe a little nutty thrown in for good measure cause they sure as hell dont need a reminder of what they are facing...at least that how I operate.
If you can find somebody who can read a person your on the right road.
But if someone sets there reads a book, watches tv (god help the lil pisher that flips on Jerry Springer one more time in my presence I swear Ill....) gets on their phone tries to do the task rather than allowing your dad to do for himself...these are the ones to send packing without even a second thought.