Hi, I know I can't be the only one with an elder parent who is more emotionally dependent than physically dependent. Most often it is a man who has always relied on his wife for social engagement and who won't go to any social activities without her. So, when she passes away, he sits at home like a recluse and expects the only daughter to fulfill all his companionship needs.

May I ask what some of you do about meeting the social needs of a single, elderly parent who just won't do for himself? He can drive, but doesn't want to play games at the senior center, he doesn't want to go to church, since he's the only single elderly man (not really), he won't even call the relatives to invite them over, but he sits around waiting for them to call. But when he sits at home alone in the suburbs, after a week of no human interaction, except for calls and a visit from his daughter, he is becoming sluggish, neglectful, sleepy, and you can tell that without external stimulation, his mind is going to deteriorate. He says he's old, but as soon as someone else provides him an activity to motivate him, he can cook a meal, run uphill. He's just not self-motivated.
I guess the best thing is to get him into an independent living place that has a lot of organized group activities. Of course, he is going to resist and not help with looking for a place and meanwhile sit all day reading the newspaper while his full-time working daughter has to take time out from work. Am I being an enabler? What do the rest of you do about perfectly healthy anti-social elders who still need human interaction but won't get up and go to it themselves? It kills me to think of him sitting all day by himself, but it's his own fault -- he has plenty of resources nearby but won't use them. He's never had any friends, so I guess he won't make any now. Right now, he doesn't need me physically, so it seems I really should be trying to have my own life before he really needs help.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: nynyk,

Hi, Maria -
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply -- I'm sorry, I'm a bit tardy reading it (and had to change my user account). I still hope to get my dad into a retirement community with activities. I just can't move him during the next two years, because I have other urgent priorities to take care of for myself. So, I'm worrying about him deteriorating during those two years. I guess I have to quit wringing my hands and just recognize what you say, there's little one can do in his case. It's awful to have to see him isolate himself, though. Thanks, again, for your thoughts.
Nancy

Hi Nynyk,

I'm an only child and have felt quite a responsibility toward my parents and their emotional wellbeing, over the years. I imagine that I understand a bit of what you are feeling toward your father. There is a lot of love and concern involved, but there is also a sense of needing to make things right---as if we have to fix something (even before anything happens), so that we can be sure that they will be okay.

And you are right to be concerned about the matter of isolation; especially in the elderly. Much of my own mother's decline coincided with her choices after my father died; many of which resulted in a self-induced isolation. But she had always been a very private and emotionally distant sort of person. It was difficult to tell how much of her behavior was finding her own comfort zone, and what part of it was detremental to her health...and furthermore, what part of it was a symptom of a progressive disease process.

It seems to me, however, that there is little one can do in a case like this. Our parent's personalities have been "set" for many, many years--even from before we were born. If your father is well, there will be no forcing any changes on him. By the same token, however, while he appears to still be well, this is your opportunity to open some dialogue with him regarding all of your concerns.

You can tell him that you love him and that you are worried, and explain why. You can tell him that while you are (fill in the blank here about where your life is taking you), you want to be sure that he will remain well and have all of the resources, supportive friends, etc. that he will need.

You can talk about eventualities. Like, what if you are in a serious auto accident, Dad? How do you want things to be handled? Who do you trust to make sure these things will be done as you wish?... And TRY to get him in to see a doc for a full evaluation. Tell him it will make you feel so much better just knowing that he is well! Sometimes these evaluations turn up some interesting findings, and you will both be better prepared for any eventualities the earlier you discover any problems which may yet remain hidden.

Furthermore, it would be super if you could get him to select someone as his Durable Power of Attorney. This cannot be done later if he were to lose his ability to reason and make responsible choices for himself. Ideally, it should be done now. You (or whomever he chooses) can just tuck that little document away and almost forget about it. But when you NEED it, it will be there, and it will give you the authority to make choices for your dad when you know he is no longer able to make good choices for himself.

Good luck to you, Nynyk. You are embarking on an interesting journey; one which may prove to be difficult many times. With your heart and your head in the right place, though, you and your dad will make it through this! ...check in here often...there are a bunch of great people here, at ECO--all, with tons of love and experience to share.

My best to you and your dad,
maria