I will be taking care of my dad for 3 days this weekend. He is 89 and has dementia. I want to be able to keep him occupied other than TV.

When I am over there, we play Black Jack. Poker is too complicated for him now. He does pretty well counting up to 21 and remembers to say "Hit me" which I am thrilled about.

Does anyone else know of any other interactive games or mental exercises I can play with him?

Sometimes we do a crossword puzzle. It ends up with me just giving him very easy hints to get him to think up corresponding words. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Also, I have a concern with hygene issues. Dad wears Depends but sometimes needs help such as reminding to wipe himself and putting a new pair on. I can give him direction through the bathroom door but I don't know if he's cleaning himself or not. Sorry this is not a pleasant topic. Any ideas on how to handle this? Especially hard at night time. I was thinking of bringing in help during night otherwise I would have to stay awake pretty much all night as he gets up 4-5 times a night to use bathroom according to my stepmom.

Thank you for any help and/or suggestions!

Robin

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Robindg,

Good job Robin. You want to take care of my Mom?? Your Dad is very lucky to have such a loving daughter. Excellent job!!

Here-here to the finest group of people in cyber and real life.

That's a great idea to color! I would think they would enjoy the different colors.

Thanks to all of you again for your kind responses and good wishes. The amount of support on this message board is amazing. I'm so fortunate to have found this board.

Robin

I have a whole directory of images I find on the 'net - butterflies, mandalas, buirds, fairies, etc. If anyone would like me to zip 'em up and share, I would be glad to email or pm them (assuming I can attach them to a PM). I just print them out on 8½ x 11 card stock (easier for her to handle than paper). And (I hate to admit this) if she colors them all and I do not have time to surf for new ones, she doesn't remember the ones she has done...

Mom enjoys coloring so much that I bought her a pack of...I dunno... a HUNDRED colored markers in every graduated shade of the rainbow... Ummmm, just in case you ever find yourself tempted to do this, try to stay around 30 or so... Ask me how I know...

Bless her heart, she has several tucked in BOTH fists and she is coloring or looking for another one. Then there's a minor problem with the caps... some of the shades are very close and she doesn't put the right cap on the right pen... sometimes, she ain't even close on the color wheel... sometimes the cap and pen do not find one another! So unless your LO shows a BIGTIME interest and can physically juggle all those markers, limit the number! 'Course sometimes, I think she just likes to marvel at all the pretty colors ...

that's the spirit!!!

I brought my mom a coloring book (Cinderella) and some really neat colored pencils that are fat and easy to hold and are more like crayons. Will see how she likes it. I had fun coloring the first page.

robin, you did great. none of it is easy but you are a champ. i can tell you that no matter how many times we have been though it we probably all groan when the accident occur. our shoulders slump momentarily, it will never be good timing, but we square our shoulders yet again, take a deep breath and trudge back in to do our best. again, your family is lucky to have you. the silliness you had with your dad will be diamonds to store in your memory chest and will never lose their brilliance. shine on robin. you're great

Robin, you are a champ. Talk about juggling in a challenging situation!!! I won't say that next time will be easier, because it may not be, but at least you will have more confidence going in. Good work!!

Wow Robin you did great! Your empathy and heart of gold made that man's weekend heaven even if he may not remember. But you will!
I'm so happy it went well!

Aww, Robin... reading about your weekend brought some tears and some chuckles to me... It sounds like you did fine!! Trust me when I say that even if you did this every single day, there would be times during those days when things wouldn't go right... and ya have to just blow off a lot of the anger and frustration that gets hurled your way, but at the end of any day, we all live for those moments of sharing a joke, "walkin' dis way," a glance, holding hands for a moment, seeing them smile or heartily laugh out loud.

The tenderness of consoling a parent (you know, the one who not so very many years ago consoled us) feels strange the first time or two that you do it, but it is a sweet feeling to know that a rub on the back or a pat on the hand can work the same kind of magic that they used to work on us. It's a cool full circle kind of a feeling - a trifle bittersweet maybe, but still sweet.

I hope you have many, many close moments with your dad ahead of you before he has to go on his way. You did great! Those memories will become treasures! {{{HUGS}}}

Hi all,

Thought I'd let you know how the weekend with Dad went. It had it's ups and downs. I tried to follow his routine and found out if I deviated from it, he was very confused. It could have been just a slight change such as, instead of going into the living room after lunch, I took him into the bathroom to wash his hands. He was frustrated because he didn't know what was going on.

The hygiene part was as bad as I expected, unfortunately. I won't go into details but we had 3 accidents the first day/night. He got so mad, which I think was frustration on his part, that he threw a roll of paper at me. At 2:00 AM I was thinking about the loss of his dignity as I was trying to be cheerful and matter-of-fact while helping him. When he sat down on the edge of his bed, I patted him on the back and tried to tell him that he was ok and to go back to sleep; which he did.

On the other side of the coin, we laughed a lot. When I want him to follow me somewhere, I would say "Walk this way." and then I would walk funny and he got the biggest kick out of that. One time at 4:00 AM he was kidding around as I was helping him. Just 2 hours prior to that, he was mad at me. (mad/frustrated at the situation, really) We played cards (blackjack) and he did really well. Sometimes he miscounted but who cares? He was participating and thinking. Sunday morning we sorted the newspaper and I asked him for specific sections which he was able to determine.

We took their little dog to the park each day for a walk then a short drive after that. He's happiest when he has their dog on his lap. Thank goodness for that little dog!

I hit paydirt with TV sometimes. I found an old Lawrence Welk show on PBS and he loved that. He sat on the edge of his chair leaning forward and listening to the music. We also watched a gospel music show by the Gaithers. He loved that also which surprised me. I didn't know he liked gospel music.

I noticed on Sunday morning, he was very sleepy and kept dozing off in his chair. Not sure what that is about. I found that rarely could I give him choices about anything. He always had to be told what to do. If I gave him a choice, it would confuse him. After a meal, he'd ask me, "What do I do now?" so I would tell him what to do.

He kept asking me where his wife was and when she was coming back. I expected that. I also learned a lesson. The first time, I said she would be back "Day after tomorrow." That seemed to tick him off so the next time he asked me, I just said "She'll be back in the morning." That way it didn't seem as long to him.

Again, he thought the people on the TV were talking at him, looking at him, waving at him. His reality is askew now. He is still able to dress himself; shoes, socks, jeans, belt, shirt and sweater. Also shave himself with electric razor and plug it in to recharge. That was a surprise. He was concerned how he was going to look for when his wife came home.

He didn't really know who I was even though I called him "Dad" with practically every sentence I used. He thought he was at my house. At one time he called me "Fella" and I am definitely female. My brother called and he spoke with him. I think he understood who he was but I had to explain families: Parents/children/daughters/sons. I don't think the concept sunk in though.

Thank you for all your support and suggestions.

Robin

we have also experience the TV land visitors. daisy is amazed by the crowds at sporting events and sometimes when i put her to bed she wants to wait for the lady to come back. the first time this happened i was very puzzled and it took me awhile. she kept saying the lady she was just with. the nice lady. then she would get really frustrated when she couldn't remember her name. i figured it out. they had a show on with a close up dialogue carried on between two very pleasant looking, attractive looking women. she seemed to be especially taken with the brunette and wanted to talk to her. she's not much of a talker so it was a surprise. i guess we never know how much they are taking in when the are observing their surroundings.

Oh, yes(!) Robin. We certainly have experienced the people-in-the-box phenomenon!

Mom likes to watch TV more than she enjoys almost anything else, so I have to be hyper-vigilant about her viewing. She is easily frightened and confused by some programs and commercials. Even the weather channel can send her into a tizzy if storms are predicted---she cannot discern that the tornado watch is 500 miles away. If she happens to understand what is being hawked in an ad, it becomes imperative that we buy it because "those people" said we need it!

Sometimes it is cute, though. Once she was frustrated with me and constantly asking where I was and what I was doing. Finally, we got down to the crux of the matter---the people in the TV were her guests, and I was being rude by not sitting and visiting with them.

You mention Nick at Night... I find that cartoons are also something that must be selected with care. These days it seems to be popular to draw cartoon characters in a fairly bizarre style. Personally, I don't find them attractive or endearing. Some of them even appear deformed to me. But to Mom, these types of cartoons are particularly troubling. I imagine her viewing such things must be like having a terrible nightmare and being unable to awaken.

Our short list for TV viewing is PBS (sweet cartoons and no commercials), Boomerang (nice comfy old cartoons), Discovery (but I stay on top of what the programming is), Food Network, The Weather Channel, and EWTN (religious programming). Everything else that she watches are "safe" videos that we have on hand.

Thank you again, folks, for all your encouragement, suggestions and reassurance.

One thing I've noticed that's happening is that when he watches TV, sometimes he thinks they're talking to him or looking at him and he'll say "Quit looking at me." to the TV. Has anyone experienced this? I tell him they're talking to each other and not to him and he just chuckles. But with all the strange things on TV especially in commercials, is it any wonder that he or others can get confused? I get confused wondering what they heck they're trying to say (or sell) so I can only imagine how hard it must be for him to process what he sees. I just try to reassure him or try to change the subject or channel. But goodness knows what you'll find on another channel!

I guess it's good to stick with DVDs or known channels but even Nick at Night can have a different spin on commercials that can be confusing.

I like everyone's ideas so far and have a lot to choose from. I truly appreciate your help!

Robin

Robin, It's a relief to hear you will be with him in HIS home. Too, many changes can produce anxiety. This sounds pretty good, so far. Especially since you are an on going participant in his life. Major CUDOs to you.

One thing I had Mom do the other night, was to sort greeting cards (you know, the kind sent by charities) into groups. Birthday, get well, miss you, and blank notes. Her difficulty with that one is her vision, more than dementia, but there weren't that many, and she does read the news paper with the help of a lighted magnifying glass on a pole. So It was a good task for her since she is always asking me to be her secretary.

The hygiene issue, Like has been said , is to be as low key as possible and just do it with no fuss on your part as if that is just as normal as eating breakfast. And as has been said, let your stepmom give you details about how she handles this, it is in everyone's best interest for all this to go smoothly . It is quite possible that he still does a good job with this.

I would emphasize that since he is at home, his regular shedule and activities, are your best plan. Continuity is your friend. Expect him to wonder where his wife is, and reassure him she will be there soon. Then again, he may not ask at all.

Mom loves Andy Griffith and Little House On the Prairie. It is strange how sharp she can be about somethings, but each show is like a new episode to her. She never remembers she has seen it a dozen times. TV must be in a part of her brain that was affected by mini strokes in the past. Go figure. TV is not all bad. Make sure you can access his favorites, know the shedule and the channels, and feel free to relax, wash dishes, fix meals, and know he is safely entertained.

Best of luck, Robin. It sounds like everything will go just fine, especially since you are close by and have a good handle on how things are with dad on a daily basis.

You are right: it is helpful to keep those neural pathways as open as we can; however, I think simply having activities in general - funny movies, a good laugh, playing silly card games, throwing bread crumbs at pigeons - ANY activity is bound to be stimulating to the ol' brain and provides enjoyable diversion.

My dad died long, long ago, so I didn't have to face his decline - heck, Mom's is bad enough! It's a heart-wrencher all the way around, but for those of us who love them, it's no hill for a stepper.

I hope your stay will be full of special moments for both of you!

You have all given me such wonderful advice. The primary caregiver is my stepmom. She is leaving for 3 days to take care of some family business but it will definitely be a break for her and I'm happy to do this for her.

I live about 40 minutes away from them and I will be going to their house to stay as it's best for Dad to be in familiar territory. I see them once a week and talk on the phone several times a week. They live in a small town so every couple of weeks, they come into my town for shopping. I work from home that day and Dad stays with me while she goes shopping. I help her with every day issues like the checkbook or being her "Help Desk" when she's on the computer.

Awhile ago I bought a DVD of old Andy Griffith shows as Dad loves Barney Fife. The good news is that I can show it over & over to him and he never gets tired of it.

I appreciate you folks saying that TV IS ok as he does love the old westerns. I guess I just think I'm helping him stay as sharp as possible for a little bit longer by mental activities even though logically I know what is inevitable.

My mother passed away in 1970 after battling cancer for 6 years. I was age 12-18. During that time period from age 16 on, my dad was traveling 4 days out of the week so I would sleep with her, get up every few hours to give her medication and help her with her bedpan so bathroom issues are familiar to me but when you have to help your once big strong daddy who is a veteran of WWII, it's a little tough. But you are right, we get through it with humor. After all, we don't take care of them out of duty, we take care of them out of love.

No hubby, but do have a brother who lives on East Coast who tries his very best to help out when he can.

Many thanks again, friends, and I'll let you know how it goes!

Robin

hi robin, before daisy went downhill she used to enjoy the game sorry. i know you don't want to do much tv but men still like john wayne, westerns, bonanza. they are available at video stores and keep in mind only wonder woman can fill every second of the day with action. we have already decided that being wonder woman is not all it's cracked up to be, the steel cups heat up in the sun, they chafe and are a bitch in crowded elevators! also them shorts ride up! seriously, you are great to do this but it is also a great chance to spend time with your dad. people all gave great advice but keep in mind, i have never been able to single handedly occupy every minute of every day. you will be setting yourself up for frustration and disappointment if you expect too much of yourself. enjoy time together sharing a movie and a bowl of popcorn or something. it can be just as rewarding to just be together.relax. about the hygiene issues, i don't have any advice on that since i have always handled women. ask stepmom on that one. treasure your time there and take time to chill

Hi Robin,
When I take my Mom to the bathroom I would just crack the door a little so I could look inside without her knowing. That way I could see if she cleaned herself with the wipes and if she needed help getting off the toilet.
If you can I think you should get someone to help you at night.
Good luck. It's wonderful you are helping.