Hi all,

Today was my parents' 60th anniversary! My parents are both still alive, praise the Lord, and doing about as well as they can.

Recently my 2nd oldest brother had been discussing possibly getting all us kids together and coming down to the Farm to see mom & dad a little later in the fall, to celebrate their anniversary.

There's only one hitch to all this: they want to bring their wives and kids too. This means there'd be at least six of us there visiting at the same time, with possibly more.

Personally, based on how dad has acted around company (that is, when more than 3 visitors come at the same time) AND based on my mom's health situation (which isn't the best) I have tried to explain to my brothers that a family get-together might sound great, but isn't in the best interests of mom and dad. I feel it would overwhelm dad and mom would feel pressured to have to cook, clean, etc. - not to mention the fact that she'd have to deal with anything dad does.

I understand why they want to come now, because of dad's current condition and I can appreciate that, but is there any way I can make them understand that if they really want to see dad while he still knows everyone, to instead have (for instance) maybe Tom (the oldest) & his family come for a few days, and then Dave (2nd oldest) & his family for a few it'd be better?

Thanx for all your help!

Thanx again to everyone for all your suggestions and help! I apologize for not being on here but shortly after I posted this I injured my other knee (or did I mention that?)....anyway Dave & his wife will fly in while I & my other brother & his family will drive down. There are restaurants 15 to 20 minutes from mom's place so lots of eating out (and FUN TIMES) are planned!

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Mom has even told me since Dave is planning the event she's not going to offer to pay for anything and will let us help her. That was a mild shock for me but a pleasant one.

One of our BIGGEST challenges as family caregivers is the fine balance between "knowing" our loved ones, and staying open to the changes in them that occur! What they once would not think of or tolerate can CHANGE! We sometimes forget that change is continually occurring in all of us, especially our loved ones! People who would have never been "into" something in their whole lives can suddenly change their minds!

I am so glad that things are working out thus far - personally, I think it's gonna be a once-in-a-lifetime memory for all of you!

Lvanett, I don't know how mobile your parents are, and I don't know how their diets are, and I don't know how far your farm is from good restaurants. But if those issues would not be a barrier, I personally would arrange for the whole family to meet at a restaurant, preferably with a small private dining room where the whole family can eat together and make noise in private, while someone ELSE does the cooking and the dishes. Each family pay for their own meal.

I agree let the family come BUT make sure Dad has a quiet room for him to rest in if he becomes overwhelmed......

well lynda, it sounds like plans are being made and i love pennsylvania. are you near the poconos? i don't know where that is but that's ok. i'll bring a gps and my snowboard. and of course my soon to be famous triple chocolate chunk peanut butter brownies. i think you will be glad your family is doing this. there will be really special memories to be had. and take pictures, lots of group pictures. if it's like my family it is hard to get everyone together at the same time. have fun and bless your mom for being agreeable to help! she is still going to want to be in the center of things and fussing but you can handle that. enjoy and be flexible do i need to bring my mountain tent and down sleeping bag?by the way, if you don't see me there i will probably be lost in toledo.it has been known to happen

Well since mom & dad don't go to church anymore maybe we could contact them to see if they'd be interested in helping. I know they worry about dad too and have stopped by to see how he is. Just need to get some phone numbers and such.

I'll run these ideas by Dave since he's the one in charge of planning this event. Mom said she told dad about us coming and he was "all smiles" about it. That was the best news I could've heard!

Mom has even told me since Dave is planning the event she's not going to offer to pay for anything and will let us help her. That was a mild shock for me but a pleasant one.

I'll also make sure someone aside from mom checks on dad during this long weekend event to make sure he's doing OK and isn't feeling overwhelmed or anything.

If any of you are up near Ulysses, PA around Veteran's Day weekend, come on up and say hi!

Hi Lynda. Looks like darn near all the good ideas have been given. All I need to know is when and where. I'll bring the napkins!

lynda, it sounds like the tide is turning and the excitement of planning an event is in the air. my mom was queen bee and loved all events to be at her house. although she was very ill, she wanted christams to be at her house. she wanted to hustle about and help out but finally was made to realize that she would be too tired to enjoy guests if she didn't let us do the work and she agreed, to our shock. it was the first time she allowed all to be done without her. we got together and decorated the house, asked her opinion on which wreath whe wanted where and such but all work was done by us. the place looked wonderful and she even invited outsiders who had no family to celebrate with.many hands made light work for all. she changed seats a couple of times to greet different people and chat but mostly they all came to her. a lot of pictures were taken and a good time was had by all, there were private tears in bedrooms because we knew it would be the last and it will be the most bittersweet christmas we will remember. include your mom in decisions but tell her the party is on the family. she still will want to be queen bee of the hive. and yes, there can appear to be magic elves behind the drapes making things happen. i don't know the ages of the grandkids but they can have age appropriate activities to keep them busy and productive. if nothing you calll it the farm so there must be a bit of space outside for them to run off steam if they are young. someone should be activity director for them if this is the case. and i hate to say it but make sure there is a tv and supply of favorite age appropriate movies or games on hand for the quiet times when kids get bored. make sure if it comes to this that the tv is not in the middle of everything but in an easily supervised location.keep it under control, you are all adults, so plan wisely, you will be glad you did. reminder, if all doesn't go exactly by the script, be flexible and forgiving. you don't need friction to flare up amoung the sibs and families so, that being said, make plans and let the good times roll. this is an opportunity many would give anything for. as long as everyone is understanding AND FLEXIBLE enjoy, and i hope you are able to plan others in the future.

Lynda, I share all your concerns. I am primary CG for my MOM in her home. She is now 92, but there have been 4 big gatherings in her home since Dad died. Of course there was open house after my Dad's death. Then after my oldest brothers death, then her 90th birthday party, then an open house after her younger sister's death. (younger sister was 87). There have also been events for immediate family only.

Mom sits in her throne (power recliner)in her own room, (hospital bed made up to look like a sofa, all private matters, packed in the closet) and receives her guests an fellow mourners or partiers, a small group at a time. With a break between new groups. A member of a group that has already been in is welcome to interrupt to bring Mom a new treat from the buffet. (I encourage people to bring in their plates, and show her what they have. If Mom says she would like to try this, or that, someone gets it for her. With each new group, I try to set the tone, make sure she knows who is there, and set an example of the best way to talk to her so that "communication " happens. That is the best I can do. I check on her with each group, and if she needs a potty break or a quick nap, I redirect everyone for a while.

Mom has other CGs besides myself. When there is a "major visiting" event, I try to have some one besides myself to care for her. That person does Not wear a uniform and is introduced as a friend and care giver. (That person is only there to help Mom and to relieve me of caring for Mom, not to clear tables, wash dishes, fetch for guests, clean up after.) If they take care of Mom, that is all I need, of them.. they are really only backup, so I can visit with family, and "organize".

There are ways to do this Lynda. Maybe some one from a church or support group, would chip in. Usually with my family, all the food shows up and all the garbage goes away. All I really have to do is prep Mom for the event, get the house ready, and open the door.. The thing is, that these "events" serve to unify the family. Cousins meet, siblings see one another, etc. I the best case scenario, parents see this and are glad, regardless of the work.

Often it is the family as a whole, not the individual person that means so much. I hope you can find a way to make this work. I promise, it is as important for them to be in town together as it is to actually visit with your folks, and that is ok, really. They will drift off together, watch their children meet up again, it is good to do this now, not at a funeral.

I hope you can find a middle ground, sorry your Mom may have hurt your feelings while you tried to protect them from extra stress. Last time I made an attempt to protect my Mom from bad news, she slammed me, "I am your Mother, I am a grown adult human, there is nothing about life where you know more than I do. I have lived through 2 world wars, the great depression, the loss of my own parents. I am a widow, my first born is dead, my first grandchild is dead. 2 of my brother's are dead. I don't like any of this one bit, to hear my sister is dying, is a knife in my heart. But it is not some young whipersnappers place to decide for me when I should know!, who I should see!, I will not have it." That was 3 years ago. The sister (My Aunt) died and the funeral reception (open house) was at my Mom's. It was the right place and I was gled I offered . It kept me from having to take Mom to the cemetary on a nasty January day. All we did was "Hostess" .

I don't know your family, but everything that is needed can appear, like magic. All garbage can disappear like magic. I hope you feel you can give your sibs a chance. Let them know clearly your concerns, preperations, clean up, overload to Mom and Dad. Not your fault if it goes wrong.

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My brother Dave & his wife are flying in from Texas

Out of towners don't have to bring food, but they CAN help supervise, do garbage detail, make sure the kids don't trash the house, etc. Many hands make for light work! Maybe they could be in charge of keeping your mom OUT of the doin's and holding court like she should be doin'... It'll be an adjustment for her to have her home "taken" over, but the torch has gotta be passed sooner or later and it just may give her a wonderfully satisfied feeling to see her kids and family all pulling together WITHOUT her direction! Lets her know that maybe she and your dad did a few things right along the way with y'all!

It's mighty tough to get everyone on deck when families are large and spread apart, so this is her chance to be treated like an honored guest in her own home and concentrate on enjoying all of you instead of working like a slave to make the party happen! I know she probably will feel a little funny about letting y'all do all the work, but remind her that sometimes we GIVE and sometimes we RECEIVE and it's a fine art to do either one gracefully. This is y'all's turn to give back to her, not only for her service all these years to your family, but for providing a place where all of you could gather as a family one mo' time (and hopefully more!) to celebrate your love for one another and to salute the couple who made it all happen!

Everyone here has given me a lot of food for thought! I always treasure everyone's insights and views because it really gives me a chance to explore options.

I've suggested to my siblings that we should plan on helping out with cooking, cleaning, etc. Knowing mom, I'm sure she might try to stop us but I'll let her know tongue in cheek "resistance is futile" (heehee) and that we're just as stubborn as she is (we're her kids after all, LOL). I like the idea of having the wives bring food and paper plates and such down, and also having some folks help out with vacuuming, housecleaning etc. That is EXCELLENT and PERFECT for the situation! One less stress for mom. My brother Dave & his wife are flying in from Texas so maybe what we'll do is have them stop and pick up something from the store or otherwise. I won't tell mom about any of this because then she'd think she should pay for all of it and we want to treat her and dad, to show our love and appreciation to them.

Keep talking, cuz I'm listening! LOL

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Lvanett,

Damned it ya do and damned if ya don't, huh? Well, I think you were right to TRY to clue the sibs in that Mom and Dad are NOT spring chickens any longer. I don't think I would have told Mom about it, though. There are some things we stop discussing with our elders... I think you can take the bull by the horns and contact all the wives to BRING FOOD that can be reheated, etc. and bring COOLERS in which to store it! Buy disposable plates, etc. to reduce dishes, etc. Then, when ya get there, round everyone up and organize "mess" duty... People to police their home for garbage (never count on folks to throw their own stuff away in the OBVIOUS garbage receptacles); people to organize family activites away from Mom & Dad so that they can rest inbetween waves of loved ones; people to wash and dry and put away dishes (continuously, if necessary); last thing, a crew to vacuum, take out trash, wipe countertops, clean bathrooms and leave Mom & Dad's house BETTER than it looked when the hoard arrived.

When my sis used to host reunions at the beach, everyone divided up the meals and took shifts... I took dinner one night and breakfast the next morning to get my duty out of the way! That person is responsible for the shopping, preparation, cleanup and EVERYTHING involved with that meal.

Have fun - I hope everyone will cooperate and if they do, it MAY be a JOY to all that can be repeated over and over again.

Lynda,

I recently took my granny to them for a family get together. I think she sensed that it might be her last. She wanted photos of her with everyone. I had taken my digital camera and took pictures like crazy. I then went to the local Wal-Mart and printed everyone of them for her. Although, the trip was very tiring and hard on her she keeps those pictures right beside her chair and shows them to everyone! The trip was very hard on me because my mom and three siblings and families do nothing to help me with granny. I haven't asked for money...just a weekly phone call and they are too busy I guess Try to make it as easy as possible on your mom and like others have mentioned take pictures, pictures and more pictures. You just never know.

You are in my thoughts.
RGD

Lynda I know your protecting them but when they get to this point in life they want to see their babies let her have this, they all do this to some extent.
I remember the last day my mom was here on this earth no matter what she just wanted me there by her side its something I always think about, she just wanted someone who loved her unconditionally around her not a bunch of strangers. She didnt want any common sense advice just some hugs and hand holding. Their scared, lonely and overwhelmed and no amount of protecting them is gonna do a bit of good it'll just stress you out, go with it and dont harbor any bad feelings for these siblings of yours, its a waste of time and energy. One day they will figure it all out for themselves until then concentrate on mom and dad
Throw on a pair of rose colored glasses and enjoy the view

Well I told my mom about the situation and she was hurt that I told my siblings that in all honesty, based on what I've seen when visiting them, that such a large group of people for a short time might be too much. She thinks I've discouraged them from coming and that I should've kept my mouth shut. That bugged me because here my sibs asked for my opinion as to whether or not mom could handle so much company. Y'see she doesn't ever want them to know that their visits often wear her out. I've gone and told them that, so now mom has gone and smoothed things over with them by saying she wouldn't mind if she had plenty of notice, etc. But I KNOW that no matter how much notice she gets, by the time a week before the visit occurs, she will be stressing over trying to get things ready and such. I know this because I talk to her and dad on the phone daily. My mom has a bad heart as is and she cares for dad 24/7.

If the siblings want to get together I guess I'm fine with it. I really don't know what to think or say to them anymore. My brothers are stubborn and will do whatever they want no matter what, so I'm kind of irked that they want my opinion. I just really feel like I'm stuck in the middle of a crazy situation I'd rather not be in. And ya know what, I really don't care if I don't see my sibs. They don't know me nor keep in touch most of the time and probably think I'm a nut anyhow.

Sorry for my neg posts, I'm just really stressed out, burnt out and worn out.

Hun at this point I have to say I would let it happen. Assist mom dont let her do the cooking or the cleaning have everyone pitch in and about every half hour take dad into a quiet room (bedroom) so that he can calm down a bit after all the stimulation if theres kids involved just respectfully tell the parents to try and please keep them on their best behavior while around dad.
Sweetie you know all about this just tell them to keep the word "Calm" in mind heck a few t-shirts made up with "Lyndas *Calm* family reunion" wouldnt hurt

A series of "special visits" over a period of time might actually be MORE taxing in the long run. I can only judge by our loved one, but she tends to rise to the occasion but then crashes and burns. Because of this, the potential is great that those next in line to visit wouldn't have a visit that will evoke warm memories in the future.

While dad might not, at the time, really fully enjoy the special event of all of his children and grandchildren together, later when he's rested he'll almost definitely enjoy the photographs.

And, you know, there comes a time of life when weight of consideration needs to be given to the memories of those who will be left behind. This sounds like it has the potential to be a special event to be treasured by your family.

If it were me, I'd go ahead and have the special event with the entire family.

If it were me, I'd have the big gathering ... but make sure that the visiting family got hotel rooms instead of staying with mom & dad, or with me.

P.S. I just remembered an incident from the nursing home where our LO lives, which illustrates this. A gentleman who my husband has known since infancy is coincidentally a resident there with my husband's mother. I only met him after he moved there, but have made a point to visit him for a few minutes while I'm there to tend to my MIL. Almost every time I'm there, he shows me a photo cube of photographs of him with his children, his grandchildren, etc. In fact, I've seen the cube and heard the stories about a half dozen separate times now. The man's daughter (a childhood friend of my husband) called my husband recently and when my husband mentioned the photo cube and how often he shows it off and tells the story of the family reunion, she expressed shock. She said that he slept through most of the party.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: T.O.R.P.,

lynda. it is nice that the family wants to come. it is a tough situation but since you are the one there it will be your judgement that should prevail. if this is too much for your parents will the brothers be willing to come on their own? if not is there a hotel anywhere within the area they could hole up in and visit during the days at different times. then have one time the family is all together?from recent experience i will treasure the last family get together. it was christmas and then two weeks later mom and i had a birthday, we were born on the same day. that night mom was is the hospital and two weeks later she died. anytime the family can get together it is good to try to find a way and deal with the headaches associated with a crowd as they arise. we never know how many days we have on this earth. you are in my prayers and hope you find a workable solution. it may be worth the chaos. it is also a chance to get a family photo!