Are there specific signs to look for when someone might need to move into a care facility? I'm sure most of it is common sense, but the thought of moving a loved one out of their home and into a care facility, most common sense goes out the window.

My stepmother has been taking care of my dad who has dementia for several years now. I can really notice a decline the last 6 months. Where he used to be good natured, he is now fighting her all the time over showers (usually swearing at her which is totally out of character for him), going outside for a walk, going for a ride, and most recently, he refused to take off his clothes & put his pajamas on for bed so he went to bed with his street clothes on. He hasn't been violent but I wonder if that could be next?

To add to this, she broke her arm a few weeks ago so I have brought in a nursing service to help out with housekeeping, laundry, cooking, and any personal needs. We had them daily, now we have someone come in 4 hours a day, Mon., Wed. & Fri. She said she ran out of things to keep them busy for 6 hours a day. Either I or another family member helps on weekends.

The house is also in chaos because pipes broke & there is a huge leak in the spare bedroom & bath. All of the furniture had to be moved out and into the family room and the rug pulled back to let the flooring dry.

I'm wondering if all of this commotion is upsetting Dad and his reaction to it all is to be difficult? It's so hard on my stepmom who is 83. She's a strong woman but it is still taking it's toll on her. I am the only sibling in the area and I work so I can't always be over there.

We're filing for VA Aid & Attendance to get a pension to help with costs of the help we bring in. Because they take care of both parents, it's $33 an hour. That adds up. I want them to have good care but my brother & I are footing the bill as the other 2 siblings cannot help with finances.

Everything just seems to snowball into something else. The main concern is how long can Dad live at home and how long can she take care of him? I think we should have more help on a daily basis. She thinks they should always be doing something like housework but part of that is to be with him, sit with him, and give her a respite but she thinks it's too expensive. Yes it is expensive but I don't want her to get worn out, hurt or lose her spirit.

Sorry for rambling but I have all these thoughts going on in my head and I'm not sure what the right thing is to do...keep him at home or a care facility? We were thinking of the VA home where they have Alzheimer/Dementia units and charge a certain percentage of his income which is more reasonable than a lot of places.

We are also at a point where he refuses to sign his name to anything. He gets a small check payable only to him and so we can't deposit it because he won't sign it.

I think the first place to start is with the VA Aid & Attendance. I hope I'm right.

Thank you for reading this.

I have only found 1 near where they live. They live in a small town but I will keep looking. Thanks for the encouragement!

Robin

P.S. I do see that UTIs are mentioned in several posts as a reason for different behaviors. Could someone elaborate on that? I don't understand how that could affect someone like that.

Many thanks....

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Robindg,

Is there only one in your area? Some that have a dementia wing will still have apartments for couples, and an elder with dementia can stay with a competent spouse, that is how it was for my friend's parents. Sometimes though it is hard to find much choice. Good luck, it would be hard on both of them to seperate.

Hi Bobcat,

Thanks so much for the information and support. I called Dad's doctor today to discuss his condition. He hasn't called me back yet but I expect to talk to him tomorrow. I would like to get him in for an exam. If anti-anxiety meds is the answer then so be it. Like you said, we don't like doping our LOs but it could certainly offset the state of anxiety and/or anger they live in now.

Neither one of us has a DPOA or a POA. One of those things we never thought to do but will have to do soon. Thank you for the reminder.

Dad was back to his good natured self today. But the fact remains, we still need to think of the future as his condition simply won't get any better. Not sure about Mom moving into the facility with him. It appears it's just for Alzheimer/Dementia patients only, not couples. I'm sure it would be really hard for them to separate, harder on her than on him.

Things always look better after sleeping on it and today was a better day.

Many thanks,

Robin

Hi Robin, good to see you back, but sorry it is with these difficulties. Let's start with the check. Mom's bank doesn't require endorsement except for cash back, same with mine. It has to be marked "for deposit only", and put into an account with his name on it. Also these days, see if it is possible to get direct deposit. (It would take the POA to arrange that, and I have forgotten who has POA/DPOA for him, hopefully you and for your stepmom as well).

Any relief you can get from VA, would certainly help with the money issue and I wish you luck. From what I have seen here, it doesn't add up to a whole lot, but every little bit does help.

About knowing when to move? Every case is different. A friend of mine got her parents into an AL and it truely was a lot less expensive in the big picture. Similar situation, her Mom simply could not keep up with her Dad and the house. (My friend works full time and has 2 special needs children, no way to bring everyone under one roof).

These are some of the issues to face. Will this move be for both of them, this is often best and saves the expense of maintaining the house. Whatever the plan, stepmom will have to approve and I doubt she will let him go on his own. Who can make decisions for him, has DPOA?

You are right about it being common sense, but it takes an uncommon coordination of common sense when there is a competent spouse, two supportive kids (and perhaps two more that care) and an uncooperative Dad with dementia.

You may "know" but not be able to "do". I tend to believe that if a good AL is available, for them to move as a couple early, while there is time to adapt, make friends, get to know the staff, (at least for stepmom).

Yes the commotion is probably very disorienting for your Dad, so will be strangers coming and going, sitting with him, helping him. So will a move be upsetting at least for a while. Somethings you just have to ride out.

In the mean time see to it that he has a check up. Over and over in this forum there are reports of changes in attitude or behavior being a symptom of a UTI or other infection. After ruling out any infections as a cause, sometimes an anti-anxiety med is useful. Believe me, none of us is in favor of doping our LOs, but you can balance that against having them exist in a state of anxiety and/or anger.

Good luck getting all on the same page with this.