Hey All,

Although I havent posted recently, I still cehck in all the time...so hope all are well!

Dad has been doing well...his mood has been great. We have hit kind of a plateau with everything. His memory is failing more recently, but still, we seemed to be in a good place...then this morning happened.

A little background...for the past couple fo weeks, each time we go to the grocery store, Dad makes a comment about going to work down there. We have been avoiding answering it...jsut say soemthin like "Oh dad, this is your retirement, you get to relax and enjoy!" or steer the subject away.

This morning the CG got there and said "Hey Fran, I am going to go up and lay out some clothes for you...Bernard is coming today to help you with the shower (Bernard is the PCA we hired)"> Dad looked at me and started to yell " I want him fired...I dont need anyone helping me"...I looked at him and said (very calmly--I was suprised) "Dad...don't yell at me. Bernard needs to come and help out...you need to take showers regularly". He pouted then...so the CG said "I am going to head up and lay out your clothes"..>Dad kind of fought this and ended upgoing upstairs himself. The CG went with him and they started picking out clothes. ALthough it is defintiely fall here, today was relatively warm..about 60. dad laid out a t-shirt, then a thermal t-shirt and a quilted shirt. We explained it would be too warm. I bought him a bunch of new clothes recently and he pulled out one of the shirts, complained it was too big and started yelling again. I calmly asked him where this attitude was coming from...he continued yelling and I said that if was going to continue yelling and talking to myself and the CG like that I would have to call the doctor.

He calmed a bit and I left for work. I just spoke with the CG and it appears that after I left, he broke down and spent a couple fo hours crying. He told her that he felt useless and he wanted to do what he wanted to do. She told me that it appeared he is finally realizing something was wrong with his mind. He siad he is tired of being in the house, the CG explained that they can always go out, but when she suggests it he says no.

When I spoke wiht her I said that we shouldn't present it as "do you want to go"...he always says no. When I am with him and we have to go out, I always state it as "Come on dad, we need to go to..." and he may squawk a bit, but he goes.

His mood has been so good for WEEKS. No outbursts, friendly, likeable, caring...today was the exact opposite. How do I handle this when I get home. Do I talk to him more about the dementia/Alzheimers? On top of it all, Dad has two cats and I am pretty sure one of them (he is 15 years old) is slowly dieing...and I don't know whow this will effect him too...

So, after all of this rambling...how do you talk to someone who is finally realizing that their options are limited? How do you let them know that you will be there (we actually did talk about that a few weeks back when Dad said to fire the CG becuase he was afraid that he would run out of money and when he was living alone again woud be destitute. I explained that my partner and I were not leaving him and he seemed much happier then) and not leave them alone...and that is a good thing.

Does anyone know of any little projects that someone can do that will keep their minds occupied at the same time...I guess we are entering into a whole new stage and I don't know what to do.

Any suggestions are welcome

I don't know your age. Age is not a measure of under standing and maturety. This Cr*p with the cat was all I would need to stop that strange son from ever inteacting again with my mother.

Stomp that abusive child out of your father's support group. No one that would wag a dead beloved pet in the face of an elder in the way you described, should ever have access to that elder again.


So sorry, I am freaking out here. Smash that horrid child.

The sad part is he is 30 years old and still acts like this.

When he takes care of Dad, he doesn't! Dad does it all himself. I actually already spoke to Michael about not letting my brother take care of dad anymore. Sometimes I think he is doing what he does on purpose so he doesn't have to help.

I agree with the whole "you don't help, you don't get a say" thing. That is how I have been doing it. Not one of my siblings has done a thing--and they don't contribute a thing--so they get no say in anything--Michael does, so he gets a say.

It is just so hard at times. My youngest sister even said to me "I don't feel the need to call and talk to Dad because I know you are taking good care of him"...HUH??? I mean, whats a phone call.

I also have taken to marking everything down...from visit to expenses. Doing this more to cover my butt should anything happen.

Honestly, I hope that I raised my own kids to not behave like my own siblings are when I get old! LOL

Grrr wouldnt ya like to string some people up by their.....Ok Ill be nice....But what was Brian thinkin?! What is the matter with him?! Im sorry I was gonna be nice but....
I think that brother of yours needs to be EDUCATED on AD toot sweet this is exactly what some of my MIL's nephews would pull here needless to say...
They ARE BANNED from seeing her now, I will not have someone come in and undermine my MIL's happiness (what little there IS)
Gossiping IS forbidden whatever ideas they may or may not have concerning those who reside in this house they need to keep their opinions to themselves unless they live within those four walls and contribute to this house then and ONLY then can they approach ME with their issues NOT my MIL!
And what happen with your Dads cat?! THAT is CRUEL
Sweetheart unless and until that boy educates himself on this disease I wouldnt let him anywhere near your dad at the very least I wouldnt leave him alone with Dad without guidance from Micheal or your CG.

Hey all..

An update...

That evening when I got home I spoke with the caregiver some more and stuff came out. It appeared to the CG that my dad actually was having a problem with my partner, Michael. Some of the things that were said were actually things I had heard from my younger sibling, so I think that they may have been planted in dads head earlier in the week. After the CG left, I sat down with Dad and talked. I explained that some of the things he thought about Michael weren't really true. He seemed surprised and even apologetic to Michael.

It is funny--siblings...my brother had decided that Michael (my partner) was living a good life...free. What one of them realize is that Michael lives with Dad as much as I do. He covers when I need to run out--he helps dad with puzzlesgames--he talks to dad abount anything and everything--he makes dinner,etc. None of siblings see that or seem to care...he also contributes a lot of $ to the household stuff...none of my siblings do that either, but seem to be having a field day talking about it offsite.

So Brian repeats this stuff to Dad who sits on it and mulls it over and over in his head.

Another example...the day after this outburst, Dads cat passed away. He had been sick and we had been getting Dad ready for his death. Dad broke down a bit, but Michael stayed with him while I took care of the cats remains in the house. Not knowing how we were going to dispose of him, I put him in the yard in a box until we figured it out. The next day Brian (my younger brother) stopped by (not to visit--to borrow $) and I told him about the cat...he immediately went to Dad and asked him how he felt about it. Now he knows Dads memory is bad...so Dad got upset about it again. Then 15 minutes later Brian went into the yard, got the cat out of the box and brought him to the window...Dad was horrified as was his wife and I. I tried to explain to him to let it go, Dad was ok, but he kept ripping the "bandaid off".

Since this, things have gotten back to normal. Yesterday we went to the hospital to take part in an Alz study. Dad was having a very good day (happens every time we head to the drs!), the dr confirmed the dementia/Alz diagnosis...felt dad was more toward mild than mid stage...told me to keep doing what I was doing. Dad didn't know the month, year, place where we were, but every math problem he was asked he jumped on quickly and got it right.

So there is the update..a. little rambling, but so be it.

Thanks for all of your help and guidance!!!

This message has been edited. Last edited by: PRCT7777,

The crying, anger outbursts, refusing to dress or bathe, not wanting to participate in outings, etc. sound like there could be some depression to me. If it were me, I'd call his doctor and describe what you're seeing. If the doctor thinks it sounds like depression, finding the right antidepressant can add a whole lot of quality to their lives. It took a few weeks to see the full benefit, but Lexapro made a HUGE difference for our loved one. She still has the dementia, but she no longer has the mood swings.

PRCT, this is par for the course. It MAY indicate a deepening of symptoms, or it may be a "clear spot."

quote:

He told her that he felt useless and he wanted to do what he wanted to do.

From his mouth to God's ear!
I frequently try to imagine how I would feel in my mom's place. One thing I think they MUST get so sick of is not being able to do what they want to do when they want to do it and the way they would like to do it! I think rather than discussing his dementia with him, perhaps simply listening to him would be in order. I think being able to express his frustrations and KNOW that you care may be powerful medicine. It doesn't necessarily mean that things have to change - he just may need an ear for his frustrations. Getting old sux.

Since he was having a rough day, I think I would not have said one word about his wardrobe selection - he could always peel off the outer shirt if he became too warm. While it is EASIER for us to select clothing, please allow him to at least participate as long as he can. Offering simple choices helps people feel more in-charge of their lives - "Do you want the plaid shirt or the checked one?" If his choices leave something to be desired in the area of color matching and good taste, leave him alone. It matters more that he feels involved with his life than for him to look dapper.

He may not have been so much complaining about the size of the shirt, Bernard helping him, etc. as he feels dependent and not in control of his own destiny. If he skipped a shower appointment, would the sun still rise? It doesn't sound to me like he is fighting the sense of these things, but he is fed up with stepping to the tune of his caregivers. Sometimes people are very structured in their personal lives; other times they are not. I am not an intensely structured person and the thought of having to eat breakfast at 8 am every morning, lunch at noon and dinner at 5 takes my appetite away. Sometimes I like to shower quickly in the morning, but usually I like to linger with a long bath. I don't think I would enjoy shower appointments Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

Please understand, I am not being critical of his care - it sounds EXCELLENT. Most folks thrive on routine, especially people who are impaired by degenerative brain disorders. But I think even so, many people have outbursts of anger or emotion simply because the "sameness" and lack of their involvement is boring them to tears. What happens when an adult with dementia says, "I don't wanna!" Frequently, there is a ruckus and sometimes a showdown between them and their caregiver. Guess who wins? Every time?

Try involving him in more productive activity, even if it's only raking leaves or snapping beans. When he seems emotionally distant or annoyed, try changing the schedule and playing hooky together.

Since things have been going so well from your observation, perhaps it is because he is "going along." I think perhaps it MIGHT have been a good day to send the caregiver home early, take off from work and do something with dad - just the two of you! He MAY be hankering for YOUR attention. This is where caregiving gets hard because often our loved ones don't want aides or therapists - they want US! Try and make time to have unscheduled adventures together. On such a nice day, it might have been wonderful to blow off the caregivers, aides and work and go to the park and eat hot dogs.

I never miss an opportunity to let Mom know that I am here for the duration, god willing. She doesn't have to worry about money or bills - I am taking care of things for her. It's difficult sometimes for them to simply relax and lean on us - it is not something to which they are accustomed! It takes a lot of reassurance to let them know they can count on us to be there for them; to listen to them; to do for them when they cannot.

I don't talk about dementia to mom - on the rare instances when it has come up, I explain that she incurred brain damage in car wreck and I am here to do her remembering for her! And we laugh about it! When she tells me how good the dinner was that night, I remind her who taught me to cook and didn't THAT work out well?!!! And we laugh. When she wishes I didn't have to work so hard to care for her, I tell her that my mama taught me that hard work never hurt anyone and wink. And we laugh. When she is in the hospital and tells me to go home and take care of my husband and son, I remind her that they are adults and that I am not leaving her there alone. And she smiles.

Simple arts and crafts projects may be enjoyable for your dad, but I suspect he may enjoy them more when he does them with you rather than by himself. My mom is bedridden and not very high functioning. She likes to color, so I print out color pages of all kinds on card stock for her to enjoy. I have noticed that the times when I am busy and do not remark much over them, she doesn't color as well nor choose the colors as carefully as when I pop in frequently and remark about how wonderful the pictures are coming and engage her in conversation about them ("What color is the flower going to be?").

A LOT of this is about the relationship between us and our loved one. They thrive on OUR attention. It's so easy to become routine and not actually spend any meaningful time with them even though we are tending to their every need! Life just isn't only about "needs" and it's easy to forget that with the balancing act we perform.

I take an outburst like your father had not as criticism, or a reason to feel guilty, but as a "heads up" - a reminder and a window into their world. I can be an oblivious, preoccupied person and I am grateful to be reminded when I am being TOO oblivious to her "wants."

I think you are doing great! We all get surprises and "lessons" from our loved ones. Despite how aggravating, perplexing and annoying they are, my mom will be occasionally "drawing me up short" until the day she dies. When she passes, I will miss and be poorer for the loss of the lessons she still teaches me.

first a question. is your caregiver new from training or more mature and set in her ways? either way she must learn to be sensitive and flexible. i think this is the hardest phase. our loved ones are between remembering and h*ll. they remember life as it was and fear the future. i have always been of the opinion that to reinforce the diagnosis of dementia or alz is cruel. i feel it is better to have help insinuate themselves into your loved ones lives smoothly and kindly. what were your dad's past hobbies or interests? are there things he can still do that he enjoyed with a little assistance? a good personality match with dad and the caregiver is very important in this phase. they have to be more than a caregiver, they have to be a companion, willing to be involved in interests to stimulate his mind. for daisy it was letting her help me in the kitchen. she was able to do a lot if she were supervised. some of it was just busywork but she was happy. now she is not able to do any of those things but she wtill takes credit for goodies we make. do let her help with the rolling pin or drop cookies. anyway, what is he capable of? what is is level of concentration on any project? can he play simple card or board games.ask him to sort and roll your change jar.there are many simple things like this he can do as the winter closes in on us all. caregiver should not announce his bath. most elders find this difficult to accept without a big drumroll. let him pick out his clothes after telling him what condtions he will be dressing for. let bernard be the one who gets the shower going when he arrives. caregiver needs to loosen up and use common sense. if she is not a good match it is better to find out now. some do not know how to use their imaginations or be flexible and with this disease it is a necessity. would he eenjoy a winter project from the hobby store. ask him to clip articcles from the paper that he finds interesting. tell him you don't seem to find the time to go through the whole thing. then either the caregiver or you can talk about what he clips. a walk is always in order if they are physically capable to do this safely.a short walk and people watching breaks at a mall are good. provide him with old greeting cards and tell him an organizqation is making christmas cards for the troups, this one is not a lie. the caregiver can set with him and help. she can write a message in them if he is unable. amazing how far a pair of safe scissors and a glue stick can go. these are just ideas for now. if i had more info i could probably zero in on more specific ideas. if you go with the card idea you will need to purchase a bunch of construction paper and ask friends or neighbors for old greeting cards. for a game try yahtzee. it will help with reasoning, counting and memory. have the caregiver encourage him do what he is still capable of. if you write her permission to handle things in a flexible manner with common sense but it mght be necessary to be very specific about how you do not want something handled. giver her time and f she just doesn't get it look at a compatible replacement.

Glad to see you back dear.
Man is this a pickle of a disease or what? Just when you get it down and right someone switches the channel.
The issue of speaking to your Dad about AD my thought on this is No dont, that is not only frustrating you can send them into a depression so steer away from this.
Your CG, well I think like with any CG they cant step over a line, they have to give choices its very much a part of what they have been instructed to do, they are to show any patient within their care dignity, privacy, confidentiality, freedom from restraint, and the right to independent choices, anything outside that they can not do, so thats where you must step in.
In this instance when a patient is showing a more confused state we are still obligated to follow the rules.
I truly see where following the rules set forth often conflict with what is best for a situation such as this sometimes choices arent necessarily a good thing like you have said if you ask Dad if he WANTS to go out and he says no verses Come on Dad we need to go he'll balk at it for a moment but he goes, gets some sunshine and fresh air and generally feels a little better for it.
Maybe if you write up some guide lines for your dads CG to follow giving her permission to properly deal with these situations she may feel a little more at ease as it stands right now if she was anywhere else like a NH she could be fired for following these techniques we employ for an AD patient sweetie.
Write that its ok for her not to give a choice in dressing or going outside unless you have otherwise stated to her that morning not to do so. Your going to have to make her feel safe, that there wont be repercussions in following your orders on how to handle a situation with Dad that requires a different technique than she was instructed on how to handle.
More people have to learn about how to handle AD and honestly CG's arent instructed for this matter they are instructed based on a Red Cross way of dealing with a patient that is not altered mentally. Oh sure they (RC) claim it is but honestly its not I just viewed a video in class 2 weeks ago that I was more than appalled at how they handled a situation with an actual AD patient in a NH the resident was actually agitated after the RN handled a situation about memory issues and something we speak about here, Death of a spouse its cruel to tell an afflicted person with AD their spouse is passed on if they have forgotten and thats exactly what occurred. P*ssed me the H*ll off seeing that.
How to deal with this disease is constantly changing the approach for the most part we arent going to win so we just adjust and get creative, keep reassuring dad you are not going anywhere and neither is he if and when he asks and remember this is just a phase.
Try coloring, crafts, gardening in small pots, larger puzzles (wood ones in the kids section) is there music he likes listening to, videos of older movies he was fond of? One thing that worked here for MIL was suggested here by a member counting change I had collected and separating it for me. Worked every time

My husband because obsessed that he worked, as a bartender at the american legion.No matter what we did he never payed attention.My son took him to the metting place to show him they only held meetings there, no luck.My husband would leave a message at the legion and ask him about his pay and what liquor to order.I talked to the person and toled him what the problem was.This continued for months.I would tell him it was his day off as he had worked the night shift.Why he ever believe he worked at this place is beyond me.He knew where the building was as he was a card carrying member.
I do not recall how we got passed this, I know it was not easy.
I had a friend whos husband had the same idea.So she took him each day to the supermarket and let him gather the carts.She explained to the manager that he thought he worked their.
My husband
always obsessed about a job.Still does.
One thing you will have to watch.He may take off thinking he can walk to his job.
When they believe something so strongly that are determined and resourceful .

this is tough.I recall hubby at this stage.They are not ready for doing things that appear to be patronizing them.They need stimulation.The more he is able to get out the better.Is there any place he can go to interact with other seniors?
Ask him why he believes he is acting as he is.Aks him what would make he feel more positive during the day.Is there a senior center in your area.Possibly the change and interaction would do him good.They still know when something they do feels meaningless.