Duh. I cannot believe this happened today.

BUT, at the bottom of all this.. it is my fault.

My mother's husband has Alzheimers and is on 3 kinds of meds for it. He was diagnosed a year ago, and has gotten steadily worse, will not go back to see his neuro..the GP writes his scripts. Yes, I know that is not a good idea.

He got a notice in the mail that his stickers were due on his car. And also, his driver's license needed renewing. "What??" you say, "He's still driving????" Yep. Neither my mother (who has Parkinsons), nor her husband, nor my sister who lives near them (with her husband) refuses to make him stop driving. The doctor suggested a year ago that she would write the note saying he should not drive anymore. Sister and husband don't want to be the ones to have to transport them everywhere when he loses his license. I live a good 30 miles away and although I am willing to take them to doctor's appts. and store and out for drives, I don't want to run in there to take him to Bingo, or Flea Markets, or whatever. He's not my father, but he has been married to my mom for fifteen years now. He is 80. My sister and I try to take care of both of them, I go in a couple days a week and do laundry, cleaning, cooking, taking my mom to appts., writing bills, all correspondence, whatever.

He did not know what a "registration" was...he did not know what a "title" was...he handed my sister his drivers license and said "is this it?" He "misplaced" the letter saying he needed to renew...while looking for his regist.or his title, we found hundreds of dollars hidden away in every nook and cranny in his car....My sister said, "Carl, how can you go to the license bureau so confused??" He said, "just put my license and my registration in an envelope for me and I'll just hand it to them and they'll know what I want."

And they gave him both. No questions asked. He should not be driving. Whenever I even come close to suggesting this, my mom gets raging mad at me, and Carl looks like he could kill me. This is a nowhere situation, it's not going to end well. My mother says if something happens to him, who will take care of me???? I told her I would, in my home. So, she hides her head, can't blame her. I wouldn't want to lose my independence and my life as I knew it, but it IS WHAT IT IS.....isn't it??????

Have the Dr contact the DMV!

MAGGIE,sounds like you have a "hard row to hoe" as we say here in the mountains. I feel for you. My mother remarried when I was 12 and I learned to love and accept my stepfather as my own. It is just as hard when you find you have a problem with a step parent.
The best thing you can do is back off until your sister is ready to stand with you. Perhaps you can send a message to the DMV that they need to make him retake the test and do the driving part of it. It is not unusual for them to do this when a person is over 80 especially since he forgot to renew.
If they find him ok to drive then maybe he is not at the stage where he needs to be denied the privilage yet. Some functions last lots longer than we think. As for the money...this is not unusual either. I found lots of money stashed behind pictures in my mom's house. I think this generation revert to not trusting banks. They lived through bank closures you know.
Try not to interlize their problems if you can. It will make you sick to worry constally abut what you can't change.
Good Luck

Blemski. Welcome to our group. One of the hardest things for our l/o is the loss of their independence. As much as my mom depended on me before her illness it reversed when she got sick and often would tell me to stop treating her like a baby. I put myself in her place and realized she was just scared and suddenly I had to get a hair cut, winter stuff, food shopping and asked Her to keep Me company. She got a kick out of doing for me and never realized it was all for her. The one time she wanted me to go first with the hair cut and watch. I had not been getting my hair cut as I was growing it long at the time. Well I got in the chair with her sitting right next to me and they knew the story so when I said just a trim he took off very little and my mom said OK it's not your fault her hair never looks cut she's just asking for a trim. We laughed at the time. It is hard to stay one step ahead and it's a long journey but one worth taking.

Blemski, hello and welcome.It is good you have learned to make boundries.Many times we feel we owe them all of our time.To be able to find that happy medium is good for all concerned.Not easy because we so care about them and want them to have balance in their lives as we do for our selves.
Not easy for a person who was so independent to have to depend on others.
Even we as , so called, normal love to have a physical support system.

Hi! I'm new at this website; hoping I found a support group. As for elders driving, when the doctor took my dad's license away, it didn't matter. Dad would still go out and drive without anybody knowing it. Fortunately, he never got caught. Scary, isn't it? He's been gone for 18 years.

Mom's hip broke 2 years ago at the age of 89. We are paying dearly for her having to give up driving. She was a VERY independent elder until this happened. We aren't at her beck & call as she would like us to be

quote:

I am really concerned that he is going to wipe out some innocent person, who knows how many people he has actually "hit" and kept on going.

OK, so we can't steal his car... Shoot.
I still agree with your concern not only for him and his passengers (like yo' mama) but for everyone in his path!

My sis & I were too slow on the uptake and my mom had an accident that nearly killed her and contributed greatly to shortening her life and the shape she's in today. My only consolation is that she did not harm anyone else! I wish we had been more proactive on making SURE that she could not drive... so, naturally, I take this issue very seriously in hindsight... Without the accident, I think she'd have given up that license when we pried her cold, dead fingers from around it!! The woman LOVED to drive and one of her recurring "confusions" is that she needs to get up and go find her car before it gets too dark! Gotta love it!

Seems like most folks don't just use good sense and move to a place with more assistance, where they don't have to drive, etc. without a crisis of some sort kicking them in the fanny. Maybe losing his driving ability would force he and your mother to make some long-needed changes in their lives...

I still cannot get over the DMV folks giving him the license and registration with out any hassle... there may be specific laws that state when and how a license/registration may be refused in your state... many of our loved ones are very skilled in "faking it" for a while...

giving up driving is the worst fear for anyone.It is a form of independence for most.My husband would not give up driving.He was becoming a hazzard to himself and others.So , when we had aa doctors appt I brought up the subject of his driving.This doctor sat with Leon and told him he was not thinking about the conscequences of driving with his condition.He told him he wanted him to stop driving,If he did not do it with dignity then he would call the Transportation and have his license taken away.He wanted to have him do it in a way that was good for him but if he failed to do so he would make it difficult for him.Hubby never drove again.It is sad to watch the one thing they did for so long be taken but there are others to think about.Also, If the insurance companies learn they have experienced problems , in the past , they have an accident , they can refuse to pay the claim.
All of us who drive can relate to what they feel.You take my car from my drive way and I feel so trapped,
My father in law was so wise.He knew he could cause an accident so he took it upon himself to stop driving.Besidesthere are so many crazy drivers on the road who will mow you down .Many passed their test but never apply to the rules of the drivers guide.Defensive driving , no way

I knew you guys would have a slew of ideas!
Thank you.

They are all very good. He backed into a neighbor and went on his merry way a year ago and the police came out while I was there. Unfortunately, Carl was not. So, he didn't see Carl. The police offered to stop him from driving, but my mom was emphatic that he DOESN'T HAVE A PROBLEM and we just don't like Carl. It's all so dramatic. As soon as we say anything at all about his health, we "don't like him".

We can't say his car doesn't work, because he just bought it, it's brand new actually, a year old. He goes out at least 4-5 times a week, so he would really miss not going out. He would probably call the cops on me if I took it and didn't return it. My mom is a big part of the problem. She just will not face the fact that he has AD, she says he is just forgetful from his couple strokes, (which has never been diagnosed), she is confused about the whole thing, but believes what she wants to believe. It's easier for her. When we aren't around, he takes care of her, grudgingly. She doesn't hear the nasty remarks he makes under his breath when she asks him to get something for her. If he isn't driving around, or at Bingo, he is in bed watching tv or sleeping. He has gotten lost so many times, but found his way home after quite a long time. My mom just laughs, like "he's so silly..".....??? I know why she does it. She is scared to death that he will leave her and she will be alone. But, she has two daughters and a son who will not let her be alone. I would love to have my mom come stay with me. She is alot of fun when she wants to be, she would be a ton of work, but I would feel she was safer and well cared for with me until I couldn't do it anymore. I go in and do a month's worth of their pills for them, in their pill boxes, but I'm still not sure she takes them right. I'm rambling.

I am really concerned that he is going to wipe out some innocent person, who knows how many people he has actually "hit" and kept on going. He backed into my brother's van last year and didn't want to tell him about it, fortunately, we saw him do it and took care of it.

My sister says "how are they going to get around??"...I don't know, but that is not reason enough to let him continue at such high risk.

Thank you all again, and thanks again for the unending support.
God bless all of you

My mom, back when I realized she couldn't drive, lost her keys! Of course it happened when she was having coffee at a willing neighbor's house and I was "in work". I took all the car keys and other stuff that needed safe keeping. Since she thought she lost them she never said anything. She liked being driven around anyway. When she was out I would take the car out for a run and eventually she didn't remember the car was even hers. Perhaps there is a way to get the keys and make him think he lost them??

It would be nice if you can disable the car without truely damaging it, but even sugar in the gas tank is better than a catastrophic accident. In my area, I have a good enough relationship with my mechanic to have him help me come up with a way for it to have to go to "the shop".
I love BWB's way of having it borrowed and not returned until a solution is found. Maybe he will lend it to you for an errand, and it could "break down". It would put you in the dog house for sure, so you'ld have to be prepared for that.

Maggie, why don't you call the DMV and tell them your problem with him driving? Someone there OBVIOUSLY helped him through the procedure - they should be drawn up short for helping someone so OBVIOUSLY mentally confused!! Hopefully they have some procedure to cancel his license/registration. You could also call the police department and ask them how to prevent him from driving. Other than that, the only thing you can do is disable his vehicle (remove the distributor cap or pull a couple of plug wires) so it WON'T run, let a "mechanic" (a friend of yours playing a role) look at it and tell him it'll cost $4,000 to fix...

Whether anyone wants to drive them to and fro or not, or whether it's a shame they have to give up their independence, the fact is he is a HAZARD to himself and others on the road. If they continue to attempt to live on their own, this might be a way you could apply some pressure for them to move to assisted living or in with one of their loved ones as they simply cannot be independent any longer.

Maggie, we had the same problem with my Fil, he was determined to drive. He was almost blind in one eye and has Macular Degeneration in the other. It was a huge battle, the man could barely walk, and was determined to drive to the post office and to buy cigarettes. I was so afraid he was going to have an accident and kill or mame some poor innocent soul! I even went to the Department of Public Safety and filled out a form to have him come in for a driving test. Would you believe he passed the stupid thing???? Come on, what deputy gave him that driving test? I could not believe it, and he was so angry that he had been summoned for the test. He blamed my h and caused considerable torment over it.

What stopped him from driving?? My son went to him and asked if he could borrow the truck because his was in the shop. He let him use it, and that was the end of it. We told him to never take it back. It is now parked at his house, he is going to buy it from his grandmother.

I do understand, and maybe this idea may help.
Sad to say, that it was not long after the truck being borrowed that he had his first stroke and the issue never was an issue again.

You are doing so much for your Mom and her husband, one thing I have learned....don't expect too much from the family members who have been enabling him to drive.

I sure hope this issue is solved soon for your sake as well as theirs.

Any Bingo "buddies" who might be willing to give him a ride while his car is "in the shop"?

Maggie, what can you do? Does anyone have POA or DPOA yet for them? You are doing a lot. Taking his license will probably not stop him from driving, even taking the keys, maynot. He'll have a selective memory burst and hot wire the dang thing and drive without a license. I about choked when you said he told you what to do, and what they would do, and that's how it all happened.
I'm not making light of this, you are very correct to think it will come to no good end. And the license issue is huge. Try not to pull your hair out, wigs are expensive. But this is serious, he needs to remain stimulated and as socially active as possible, Bingo flea market, et al., and I know you can't take all that on.
If I know our friends here, there will be some very good suggestions coming up soon. All I can do is be supportive in knowing how big and dangerous an issue this is.