Hi all,

Sorry I haven't been here in a while. Been busy with work, also some stuff at home and also with my mom.

Got some news concerning my dad for you.

I went to visit (and help) my mom & dad last week. Dad insisted on coming here with my mom because he wanted to ride. So, they both came to pick me up. We got a pizza for lunch. Dad ate 5 slices of pizza, and had at least 3 cans of Pepsi. We were concerned that he might get sick, and sure enough he did. First he had a major BM in the mens' room of a bookstore we stopped at, which took over an hour to clean up. Then he said he "didn't feel right" and appeared to be nodding off. About 40 minutes later, however, he began talking funny as if he had water in his mouth. Turned out he was foaming at the mouth and he at first threw up saliva, then threw up his lunch. He then "fell asleep" again and didn't realize what happened until 15 minutes later. Dad was so sick, it took him 3 days of bed rest to recuperate. We suspect dad had another mini-stroke.

Lately, dad's mind has been simply awful. It is probably a result of his mini-stroke. It's so sad to watch him decline. Just today he offered to help fix the sump pump and all he was able to do was remove the hose, then bring it in the house. He just wandered around the yard, carrying a bag of garbage he found on the back porch. Also he of course won't let anyone shave him. He simply will not bathe and hasn't had a shower in at least a month. He's tried to shave his whiskers himself with a razor but claims the heads are dull (and the heads were just purchased a few days ago). He wears diapers most of the time, but sometimes he won't wear any. He knows his family and friends, but never knows what day it is or what month. And he still resorts to anger at times.

The dr. was notified of dad's mini stroke and he will check dad on his next visit in December.

The one bright spot in all this is that my mom's friends, the Becks, have been extremely helpful with getting things done around the house and property for us...like installing a new mailbox after kids destroyed the other one, then having to cement the new one after kids yanked the replacement out from the ground (and the pole was 3 feet into the ground)...putting on a tin roof and adding strips to aid in melting snow from it in the winter...fixing the railing to our ramp in the front porch...and other things. They will be purchasing our property and my mom has agreed to this. She's known them for several years and we consider them family, and vice versa. Best of all mom & dad can live out their years on the land once the Becks purchase it, and us kids can also come visit too.

Lynda, so sorry to hear of your Dad's decline. I do understand the stroke, and thank you for writing about it. We have had my fil exhibit some of the same symptoms and after the second round, we figured that he had a mini-stroke also. He just sleeps and sleeps for hours on end after the big ordeal.

Thank you so much, I understand. Though I am helping with my fil, I do not have the same connection as I would if it were one of my parents. I dread to even think about it, they do not live close to me.

Stay strong Lynda, I am wearing down and am afraid that it will be a very long time before I can get the needed rest. I hope you are able to rest, mentally and physically. I am so new at this, prayers for you.

Paintedgardens and all - thought you should know that, effective last month, us kids are going to set up a fund so that when mom & dad do pass away and we get the land, we each will pay the taxes on it.

We also got some brochures and other information on PA laws regarding putting a family member in a nursing home. Mom said according to the info, she's allowed to keep her home, land, and vehicle. My brothers went down last month (I wasn't able to go with them but I was told their plans and decisions) and helped mom get all the legal aspects taken care of. All mom has to do is file the paperwork to get dad put in a nursing home when she feels the time is right. Hopefully that'll be sooner than later, as dad's starting to forget names, and is resorting to yelling and cursing. Dad was a Christian before his dementia accelerated back in November '05 so this is another sign that he's getting a little worse.

quote:

Originally posted by Lvanett:
IMO it's almost like punishment for the spouse's death!

Your quite welcome Lynda

Your tellin me! I think its a slap in the face and the $260? (I cant remember the exact amount but it was ridiculous) for burial expenses HAH! What a joke.
Dont feel bad though my moms SS benefit....a wopping 365 a month as of 2003 and she lived in SF, Ca. of all places! How do they expect people to live on that?! All I can say is thank god for Senior centers they supplemented her food every month with 2 boxes of groceries and a hot meal everyday...bless those people! And the utility companies lets not forget them!
Things I was thankful for I tell you!

Bunnys_grl - I like your 2 links about the camera and the will kit! According to mom, dad's will states that when he dies, everything will go to her and if she dies, then to the oldest (Tom). Of course she will lose her SSC benefits if dad passes away, since hers are, I believe, the lesser of their 2 checks.

As an aside and also way OT....I hate the fact that when your spouse passes you also lose some of your SSC benefits...some seniors can't live on one check, let alone 2, IMO it's almost like punishment for the spouse's death!

Lynda if funds are tight for you all heres what I did and its as effective as the ones drawn up by a Lawyer.
http://www.amazon.com/Suze-Orman-Will-Trust-Kit/dp/1401905676
This is a will and trust kit ($14) that has alot of other very important documents in it like the POA and DPOA (a very easy program that prompts you throught the whole thing) I did a simple will and both a DPOA and POA in about an hour and just brought a Notary into my home for a small fee to notarize the documents. It is also specific to each state and their laws and if you come across a problem there is a number to SO lawyers if you need it.
And the DPOA does not nessesarily go to the oldest...which one of you can handle the duties and the resposibilities that go along with this is the one that should carry these documents also I dont think it is a good idea to seperate these docs. POA and DPOA should be with the same person IMO so there is never an argument about theses things in the future. If you are going to be responsible for ANY cg duties at all with your parents (and not your brothers) then its best that it stays with you, what you can do on these documents just like the lawyers own, you can have alternates listed on theses docs. And while your at it you can draw up your own documents that you want the program allows for multiple people so you can actually pass it on down the line to family and friends.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bunnys_grl,

OOps. Tom is the eldest. Oh, that is simpler then. Sorry Lv. My mistake.

Excellent! There, one thing is done and your parents took care of it. That is good news! And your mom is aware that there are more things to be taken care of. Why not ask your mom if it would be ok for you or Tom to call her lawyer and find out a price for her for some other needs and also ask what those needs are to make sure things are squared away? If you feel your parents cannot afford it, or they just don't wish to spend it on the lawyer's fee, then maybe the whole family pitches in an equal share to get it done. Some one of you needs to be the DPOA, and also you should get Health Care Proxies done for your mom and dad. (If your folks ever moved to NYS with you or your brother, then you should also seek a NY attorney at that time.) What about the "everyone pitching in a few dollars" idea? Would that help get the job done? I would suggest you and Tom going with them to the lawyers so you know what any decisions are and you would have input. Dave is way far away, so you could both report to him. Your mom will most likely wish to make Dave the DPOA as he is the eldest son. Are you and Tom comfortable with that as it is the most likely scenario? Talk with Tom.
What else could be done at the lawyers my cyber friends? Wish to do all in one trip of course. PS--Good work, Lynda. Thank YOu!

quote:

Originally posted by paintedgardens:
Confused why you always speak of "getting your dad committed"

That's my fault, I didn't mean it that way. I'm not always good at explaining myself and sometimes use the wrong words. I didn't mean "committed" like being sent to an institution, I meant committed as in, committed to a nursing facility.

Oh about us, I am 41, my brother Tom who lives nearby is 50, my other brother Dave in TX will be 49 next month. My dad just turned 77 on Sept. 11th. My mom is 76. They do both have a will.

I know my mom has talked about talking to an attorney about her legal rights/obligations regarding having dad placed in a nursing home but then she worries about their fees and I've told her us kids would help pay them, in hopes that she'd seek one. That's why I've thought of talking to one myself. I realize the laws in PA are different, so maybe I should see who's around in her area instead.

I need to re-read some of the other messages too so I will be back. (Good ol' insomnia....LOL) Just wanted to clarify some things for now.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Lvanett,

One quick clarification--you do not need an attorney. Your folks need the attorney. They would be signing the DPOA and naming someone. If you want the DPOA, then suggest yourself. Otherwise, it will likely go to one of the brothers. But think. What do you think would be best? Then propose it to your mom when she seems receptive.

Confused why you always speak of "getting your dad committed". Huh? Do we seem like the kind of folks that encourage people to have their folks "committed"? To begin with, you cannot have someone committed in NYS unless they are a danger to themselves or others but of course he's in PA and so this is just not even on the table, Lynda, and why would you even think of it anyway? I do not understand. If he was definitely suicidal or homicidal and he lived with you, you could get him thrown in the LBin--is that what you think we expect of you? We are all dealing with people with dementia for God's sake. None of us ever speak of having our LOs committed. Why are you talking of it?

Let's start with something more basic...how old are your mom and dad, yourself and your siblings? Which sibling, agewise, is 10 miles from you? Which in TX? Your folks are in PA, right? Now, do your parents have a will? If they do, they likely used a PA lawyer. S/He could also draw up a DPOA if your mom is willing. Just stay on the track Lynda. Don't go off in the field. Stay with us here. Thata girl. Now get back to us with those answers when ya can, girl. We love ya' woman.

Ok Baby then Im going to give you a suggestion that helped me here with my Hunny...He was on the denial train to parts unknown where his mom was concerned...Solution to this bad behavior, denial that is...eye spy camera. Ill tell you it gave him a wake up call quickly. She is good when he is home or in the vicinity but once she knows hes gone...let her ripp! The first day I let him just sit and watch he looked at me and said so this is dementia??? Lynda he said the "WORD" the one he could never say before. This thing is so easy to set up and cheap on the pocketbook too!
http://ww2.harborfreight.com/cpi/ctaf/Displayitem.taf?itemnumber=91851
Heres the link think about it and suggest it to mom for an eye opening experience. Or buy it for her

Bunnys_grl - I know he can't help what he does.
I know that, really I do! I've read enough literature and also witnessed other seniors who were "mental cases" as a result of dementia, Parkinson's, stroke, etc. (We had one who used to go to my old church!) It's my mom that doesn't seem to understand. I've told her that she needs to be more careful about what he eats, what he does, everything. I've even provided her with literature and books on dementia & caregiving. She claims she realizes he's not the same but I have to wonder.

I'll have to see what lawyers I can talk to locally about getting dad committed...not sure how much I can do since the house is in their name and all...but worth a shot! I just hope I can afford their fees, I don't make that much money myself. =gulp!=

This is Lyndas post in its entirety...Bad bunny hit the wrong button again

wow... I got a lot of reading to do! I AM listening and reading to everyone's posts and PMs (tho it might seem like I'm not) Honest!

anyhoo...I will look into the DPOA. I have 2 brothers, one in TX and one who lives 10 mins. from me, so I'll see if he wants to go in on that...

about not seeing my dad eating the pizza, I wasn't there when he ate them...they got the pizza, he ate some while coming back to my place to pick me up...that's what I meant....my mom and I DO watch his eating but of course she was driving (I"m not excusing what he did, just trying to explain) at the time....anyway about the eating yes we watch what he eats. Absolutely.

I have an update about the Becks wanting the property...it is now not even close to a "done deal." I talked to my mom about this and she said until she is certain they will pay her what she asks, there is no way they will get the land. She recently discovered they have financial problems and keep taking out loans because the wife spends the money foolishly. So, based on that, they will probably NOT get the property. My mom has also said that she will ask for at least $200,000 for the property once it's listed, not including the home.

Also if I don't come back in a few days please don't think I am ignoring yall or anything... I am busy with this board, as well as my job, and running 2 groups, etc. etc. I'll be back.


Love & prayers, Lynda

Sorry Lynda I hit the dang wrong button again and added to your post with my own! I swear they need to move that button to the other side!

I wanted to add something about the Becks and my mom's caregiving of dad. They have seen the way she treats him, but what gets me is WHY they let her treat him this way? Especially since the hubby witnessed his family care for his gramma while growing up...Their attitude (from what I've gathered) about her caregiving is, well dad is hard to care for.

I think everyone knows how I feel about the quality of my mom's caregiving skills, I am STILL trying to get her to have him committed to a facility or at the very least, have someone come in...now she claims that she called a local agency and their aides only do light housekeeping and won't do the "dirty work" as she calls it....my aunt who lives nearby also called them (for her hubby with Parkinsons) and they told her the same thing. Mom also is saying that since she sees dad declining a little more with every day (and since he sleeps all day on a more regular basis) it will be only a matter of time before he'll need to go to a hospital and then they will probably have him committed, nevertheless I am STILL pressuring her to look into putting dad in a home....mom finally confessed that the reason she hasn't done so yet is cuz she doesn't want to sell her home.

I apologize if I made it sound like she was ready to sell her house off right away, I was under that impression myself for a while...but with these latest revelations about the Becks' finances it's put on hold. Mom also revealed to me she wasn't going to sell it to them right away anyway, so I think (?) that's a good thing.

I'm not going to let mom just keep caring for dad alone, and I'm not letting my brothers just slack off in pressuring her to GET SOME PERSONAL HELP....I will keep on her. I'm not too good with lawyers and such myself so I will need plenty of help should I have to consult one for her!

about not seeing my dad eating the pizza, I wasn't there when he ate them...they got the pizza, he ate some while coming back to my place to pick me up...that's what I meant....my mom and I DO watch his eating but of course she was driving (I"m not excusing what he did, just trying to explain) at the time....anyway about the eating yes we watch what he eats.


Ahhhh Gotcha Lynda I still have to take issue here though...Not with you but, (well maybe a little on the comment) He didnt do anything wrong...your dad that is. He cant help his lack of moderation HE IS altered...I dont know how many more ways we can all say this here until it finally sinks in. He cant help what he does, his brain is not functioning correctly/he doesnt live at the same address as 10 years ago/cant think for himself clearly/makes bad decisions ect ect. I dont care how you try to reach out for something the answer is always going to be the same here Lynda. The food was left in reach, the pop can pops I can hear it...I pull over...I find where the noise is comin from I stop the destructive behavior and remove the food. Like in my home the food is locked away because I know this tendency our LO's have to gorge themselves on food and at inappropriate times too. try 3:30-4am in the morning...sound familiar??? Im tellin ya this is a behavior they all have and if they are still mobile locking foods away is the only solution to this. Mom needs to know this behavior. One person pointed out to me not too long ago to lock away liquor. Hey I didnt even think about that as we dont drink but our LO's might just get a hankerin for this and pull a bottle out from our guest reserve...silly... you betcha, but its not to them sweetie.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bunnys_grl,

PG good work! Really...Lynda PG is absolutely right here on the values even if there is a manufactured home or trailer of some sort it increases the value of the property considering the land has plumbing, electricity, phone, piped in, and in road access ect.
As to your mom we have all been saying over and over again to you that handling dad has been trying to say the least if these "Becks" come along seeing what we are seeing in your writings here concerning moms cg skills they could do you all a disservice and call out APS (were talking worse case senario here) and have a mess on your hands you can no longer control even a little...Flashing light up ahead Lynda Im tellin ya... If these people want the property I would have them wait...And why are they darting in on your property only???? If they have that much to put out why not a different piece of land in that county....Open eyes baby...there are too many unanswered questions and please dont tell me its cause their so dam close to you this is land that you claim they dont care about the house on it which tells me there is NO EMOTION involved here AT ALL. I could see if they had an attachment to the house cause of your parents but this isnt the case you said so yourself...I just dont get those warm fuzzy feelins when it comes to these people Lynda...seriously. Im for the wake up call here fully....This is an investment for them thats it...If your best friend was tellin you this story youve told would you jump on the train with her or would you temper this with some sound words of wisdom like we have here???? Chew on these posts for a moment Lynda...this could get ugly and like PG said leave you holdin the bag.
Im gonna get the truth bug out here Lynda...
Not watching when your dad was eating sends out a big red flag to me. Your treating him as if he is of sound mind...hes not simply put. And if mom is fostering this behavior she has no clue to the trouble that is comin round the corner at her if she doesnt straighten up and acknowledge this. Could it be she is altered herself??? Sure she is tired so are you but both you and her have a responsibility to your dad here as long as hes in your care...I just dont see this happening, you and mom are fighting over quality of care and ignoring the obvious needs of the patient...He needs structure in a safe environment...Is he getting that in your opinion? Be truthful... And please set aside your "daughter persona" for a moment here and look at this as an outsider. It is for your parents well being.
If you allow mom to make this huge decision on her own without thinking this through to the very end she is going to be in a world of trouble when things start to go south.
Heres an idea of where Im going with this. Mom sells the property Dad gets worse has to be put into nursing home...thats first... mom is stuck with no funds...100,000 aint nothin especially after all the bills start coming around.... what if mom suddenly falls ill (god forbid) but what if that occurs. what are you going to do then? Bring her into your home? What if your mom falls ill now while taking care of dad these are all senarios that could happen to make this journey tough on you...If the Becks are a nice bunch rock on but dont think for one moment they wont call Social services out the moment they see a decline in quality of care or an illness.
I want you to think hard on this as this could be a nightmare at your doorstep.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bunnys_grl,

Lynda, everyone is telling you pretty much the same thing. Make sure you don't get tied into the Tax Appraisal Rate. You do need a Real Estate person to give you the Fair Market Value, thus the price will go up by THOUSANDS...When I moved out, my Sis thought she was gonna bounce on over, get a 75,000 loan, and buy the house from Mom. Didnt work, cause for once I was glad little Bro came to my resue and said NO WAY!!!
So when they got the fair market value back it was just an estimate but I liked the looks, sound etc. of it. $265,455.00. Sure did bring alot up for all the kids to maintain the fact , myself included, that all my hard work, pain, misery, etc. along with all the crap I had taken from some of my other siblings. a little easier to bear. Of course SIS isnt happy at all, and has actually started moving some of her personal things back into her home. Sure would like to have been a fly on the wall that nite when it was all being discussed. It really was a hard lump for BIL to swallow, in fact he was actually speechless...OMG In fact I dont think he's talked to anyone since my brothers passing on Sept. 12th. What a shame for him. I know how bad he wanted to get some kind of paperwork done before he invested ONE SINGLE DIME OF HIS MONEY.
IT'S SUCH A SHAME THAT MONEY DOES HAVE CONTROL ON ALOT OF PEOPLE, OR AT LEAST THE love of it>>>
TAKE CARE AND KEEP US UPDATED, ok>>>>
I PRAY YOUR DAD GETS TO GET HIS WISH AND BE IN HIS OWN HME, HIS OWN SURROUNDINGS WHEN HE GOES TO BE W/JESUS. OUR GOD IS GOOD SO I;M SURE IF YOUR DAD HAS MADE HIS WISHES KNOWN, THAT GOD WILL RECOGNIZE THEM. FEEL FREE TO EMAIL ME DIRECT AT ANY TIME YOU WISH,, OK. I DON;T DRIVE AT NITE BUT AM USUALLY PLAYING GAMES CHECKING MY EMAILS. JUST REMEMBER, YOU ARE TOO BLESSED TO BE STRESSED!!!

Sorry Lvanett if I come down too hard on you. I think it was because you seemed in lalaland to me. But I apologize. Hope I am wrong and everything is grand but yikes, I fear not. No matter what, I hope you stick around the chat room. No matter what, everybody is still here to help.