I was called to care for my Father in the spring of 2005. He had remarried 45 days after Mom's death, and had signed over the family trust to the new wife and her adult son 30 days after the nuptuals. Dad had two strokes by that time as was totally paralyzed on one side and was showing signs of "different than normal" behavior by that time. I was not allowed to speak to or see Dad the three years following the marriage. I was called by APS in CA to help with Dad when the suspected abuse was reported. I spent 6 months flying back and forth from AZ to CA to get Dad divorced, make settlements with the ex, and revoke the "new" family tust which had placed the new wife's son in charge of Dad should he become incapacitated. Dad's home was free and clear and he had a few bucks in the bank which the wife and her son managed to slip into another account in their name at the same bank as Dad. All legal! After hiring home care workers who literally cleaned Dad's house out by taking out his belongings in black trash bags at night, I called my brother who had been estranged from both my parents for over 15 years, but happened to live close by, to help out with Dad. After telling me his Dad died 15 years earlier, I got in touch with my ex-sister-in-law, who had been out of touch for the same period of time. I offered her a job caring for Dad. She was on disability, and lived very poorly. She accepted, moved in with Dad with her adult daughter. I provided a sizable paycheck, a beautiful home, keys to a new Mercedes, and a credit card for groceries or incidentals for Dad. Two days after I went to court and got a divorce from the previous witch, I called Dad's home to talk to Dad to discover the phones had been placed on recording divices, my calls recorded and Dad once again locked in his bedroom, unable to speak to anyone or have any visitors. My brother who wanted nothing to do with Dad had moved back with his son, girlfriend. All in all there were 12 people living in the home. Dad was now engaged to his ex-daughter-in-law, a new POA was drafted making her, and two of her children his new attorneys in fact. I had placed Dad on Hospice and they convinced Hospice Dad was in pain, (he was angry that he was locked up again). My sister in law and broher were giving Dad morphine, sleeping pills and his anti-anxiety medicine within 30 minutes of each other. My brother was behind the new legal documents, stating Dad has given his home to him. I was told by hospice that Dad had two days to live after projectile vomiting blood. I hired a third attorney and went back to court for a conservatorship. After 30 days had them forcibly removed from his residence, along with all of Mom's jewelry. I could not leave the state with Dad, so for the next 9 months, while waiting on court orders to leave, I traveled up to 4 times per month to take care of Dad. All this was with full time home care at a cost that exceeded $20,000 a month. Dad's money and home is still tied up in Calif. I am now paying our gardener to stay in Dad's home, free and clear, and sending him money to eat. I am a single grandmother, who just took legal guardianship of my grandson 30 days prior to caring for Dad. Both mine and Dad's cash is gone, his house is entangled in the Calif. courts, I have just dismissed my third attorney for not doing anything except collecting more money and not even advising me of court dates and not showing up himself. I have mortgaged my home, taken out personal loans, and have totally lost my real estate business. I have always been self upporting and feel like I have failed everybody. Dad would marry a goat if they stayed by his side and told him they loved him. I am alone, and don't know where to turn. Dad is now in a nursing home in AZ, but the exploitation continues. I was just notified by the ex attoreny that my brother brought Mom's jewelry back, with all the diamonds removed. I can't find anyone who cares. I just fired a care management company in AZ that was charging all 4 of her patients in the same nursing home the same fee repeatedly, spending 15 minutes with each one and charging each of us for 3 hours at a time @ $95.00 an hour. You do the math. I can not find anyone who cares, and I am just too tired to really care anymore. Dad is not being physically abused anymore, and I guess I should be thankful, but the exploitation and emotional abuse continues. The activity director at rhe nursing home he is in was just seen dumping 40# of his bird seed that I purchased for him. All of this has been so unnecessary, but it is costing me my life and I don't know where to start to get it back. I have done all of this with no outside financial or emotional support. I feel like I am the one who needs to be put away. I brought Dad home for Thanksgiving day and he doesn't even remember coming here. The staff at the nursing home still believes him and ask him for instructions as to his care even though I have court orders stating his mental condition and stating that I am to make all decisions. Is there anyone out there has has the foggiest notion of what I am going through, or am I the only one who is losing their sanity as well as their entire life? I'm not sure it's worth all of this. I have nothing left except my grandson, who is depending on me, and I am empty.

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My CPA told me I just "got off track".

I'd like to nominate this bean-counter for the Understatement of the Year Award!

...another one that needs duct-taping to a chair...

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I guess I'm just scared that this will never end and I'll be living in the streets along with my values.

No foolin', eh? ...sigh... Jeanette, I know it sounds insipid, but there IS such a thing as doin' what's right and there are STILL people out there who fight the good fight at great personal cost and sacrifice... of COURSE it should not be this way - people should not have to battle against this kind of abuse and greed, but when push comes to shove, it's always that way in every walk of life, isn't it? There are always those who feed on the less fortunate, the weaker...

I don't wanna end up on the street either, but if folks like you will be there, I'll feel a whole lot better about the deal.

Baby lemme put a little spin on this for you, yes these friends are probably tired of hearing this but the one thing that shines clear and true here is that you have compassion and trust that these people have dismissed from their lives in a heartbeat...they dont get that you are still trying to "trust" anyone out there in the world and it frustrates them. Thats what they are reacting to. They have probably said the same thing to you I have said but it doesnt seem to them that it is making a difference...they want to protect their friend (you) but they cant do anything when your not willing to take advice so they get frustrated at your reaching out to them, turn their backs and say nothing. Sound about right??? Hell Ive given the same advice 2 or more other people gave, got kicked in the gut for my efforts, now I dont say sometimes what needs to be said unless it touches a nerve in me.
Granted some ideas are a little out there (boy have I heard a few) but I know deep down they are reacting in anger FOR you not against you.
When it comes to this part of life and elder care or money matters baby all bets are off. Trust is off the table and out the window. Tread carefully keep records cover your butt and trust no one unless they have nothing to gain...and even then be cautious.
Oh yeah lol And carry a big stick!

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bunnys_grl,

Thanks, this is the first place I have found any support. My CPA told me I just "got off track". My friends are tired of listening. I think they are really afriaid this could happen to them. I guess I'm just scared that this will never end and I'll be living in the streets along with my values.

Jeanette, When reading this I almost fell off my chair.Like reading a horror story.I am sorry .

Jeanette "Vultures" seems to be the word of the century...Man do I feel you there! I used to be the same way as you trusting to a fault giving 3 chances...Now after my moms death and getting clawed by those "vultures" I dont give any chances. Cross me once and its O-V-E-R!
You have done so much and continue to do so...you amaze me and I cant fault one person that shows this much compassion in the face of adversity thats for dang sure! Stick around Baby we got your back... If ever your feeling unsure about any little thing you come across give a hollar anyone of us has walked this path spikes and all... we'll all try to steer you in the right direction without trying get something from you. Your safe here
As to fraud ect when it comes to NH's carry with you a recorder and a digital camera if you dont have these go out and get them, every session with a lawyer record everything. If he objects to this at all just tell him its so you can go over it at your own pace at home. He shouldnt have a problem with this unless he is less than honorable in his practice.

Thanks for responding. I feel so alone and tired. If I didn't have to care for my grandson, I would lay down and not wake up. I feel like it is simply too late to recover from all this. Dad doesn't even remember what he did to cause all this. I'm having a hard time justifying continuing to keep on top of things. There are so many "vulchers" out there and there's only one of me. As soon as I spot one and get their claws out of my back there are two new ones to take their place. Elder care is the dirtiest business I have ever dealt with. I don't know who to trust anymore, and I normally trust everybody until I am proved different. that certainly hasn't proved to work very well. The nursing home has a social class all it's own, based on degree of disability. This is all so crazy......... I feel like I have literally been sucked up by the system. I have written so many letters to the board of directors, attorneys, and no one listens. I have the best elder attorney in Phoenix, but he won't even respond to any claims of fraud against the management company he personally referred to me. If he doesn't see the problem, then he doesn't have to fix it. There are so many ways to defraud the elderly and I believe those who do the defrauding justify themselves by believing that the person they are caring for is going to die anyway and as long as somebody is going to get the leftover goods, they might as well get their share, off the top, especially since they "feel" they were underpaid for what they did anyway. I have spent over $200,000 this past year and a half and a half to have Dad abused, lied about, locked up, called names and neglected. More money isn't going to change anything. I've just found a generous pocketbook attracts more vulchers and as soon as that one is closing, they look for the next dying bird. These people have no feelings or ethics, and if someone gets trampled in the process, well that's life!

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Originally posted by Jeanette10:Is there anyone out there has has the foggiest notion of what I am going through, or am I the only one who is losing their sanity as well as their entire life?

Dear Jeanette: Ohhhhhhhhh YES, I know what you're going through. I'm able to touch on most everything you've said with similar and equal lousy experiences here on my end. This is what happens when you’re busy constantly trying to put out fires and sadly, unavoidable.

You've met all these challenges head on and for this, you're to be commended.

As well, when it comes to home health aides, well.....this is a topic onto iteself. Having to trust people to do a service in your home or your loved ones home is probably the most difficult part in all of this and not because they can't do what's expected of them but because you're automatically vulnerable to everything wrong and bad that can happen. Unless you're keeping an eye on every move they make (which is so defeating and impossible), it's not at all surprising to find how these vulchers will help themselves. More hired caregivers are people who look upon what they do with drudgery and distain and it's a rare find when one comes along who disproves this sad fact of life.

Jeanette, you're tired and disgusted but everything you've acted upon and reacted to says that you're doing it all whole-heartedly and you're nobody's fool. Sadly, there are just a lot of bad intentions out there.

Jeanette - before I say anything, you are MORE than welcome to ECO! Your story is absolute horror. You are OBVIOUSLY some kinda gal to stand up to all this over and over and over and over...

In case no one has told you yet, THANK YOU for all you have done, not only for your dad, but for elders in general. If it were not for courageous, tenacious people like YOU fighting against the greedheads and the system which feed on the elderly until they are nothing but dried up husks, things would be a lot worse than they are today. That THIS kind of EVIL can go on LEGALLY is MADNESS if the highest order! I wish 60 Minutes or Oprah would do your story! How a family can produce one individual as caring as you and another as paracitic as your brother is a mystery of genetics that continually baffles me! It certainly gives credence to the belief that some people are just plain born evil.

I am certainly NOT going to tell you after all you have personally suffered for your father's welfare that wrapping yourself up in the Good-Deed blanket will keep you warm at night! That your father was victimized by greedy relatives, then the system itself is bad enough; that YOU should have become a victim while righting the wrong is unconscionable. I am so sorry that our legal system does not view this kind of fraud for the CRIME that it is is beyond my understanding. SHAME on the people who allow this kind of abuse to go on and on and on...

Know that, at least in THIS caregiver's heart, you ARE a hero. Your experience leaves you with MUCH first-hand wisdom to share. I pray that karma will act swiftly in your case and bring the cause for which you fight to public attention for action and that you will somehow receive reasonable compensation that will return you to solid financial footing.

My hat is off to you and my heart goes with you in your continuing struggle to regain your footing.

Jeanette 10 welcome in. I am...my chin is on the floor here. I cant even tell you how mad I am at all here. People preying on the sick makes me madder than all get out.
I know your gonna feel this to the core but I want you to hear this for your own sake.
Your giving these people full rein too? Why? Im am sorry maybe you dont want to hear this maybe no one told you or has the guts to..You dont give people who have NEVER earned trust a paycheck credit card keys to a house and car. Cant cry over spilt milk now, whats done is done.
What you can do now is get someone who has your Dads best interests at heart now. Hire an Eldercare attorney. Attend to that NH where Dad is. Is it not up to snuff? Take him in to your home. If thats not possible visit a few Alzheimers groups in your area for some referrals
to not only competant counsel but competant NH's.
Really Baby stop letting people walk all over you! Its not fair to you and is certainly not fair to dad. I am right there with you Im glad he is no longer abused, but dam baby stop letting people abuse your trust. You sound like you have a heart but obviously this is attracting a whole lot of greedy people your way...You better start carrying a big stick! Last piece here...If it dont feel right, sound right, look right, or smell right. It aint right. Take another path, listen to yourself, stop trusting any ole person that shows an interest! Youll thank yourself later.
I am sorry your going through all of this truly