Tomorrow will be my first Thanksgiving without my mother. She died 5 weeks ago. I have been thinking about this first milestone day ever since then. It seems like no time at all has passed, and yet like years have passed since she died. Still, here it is.

Thanksgiving was always THE day for mom-almost as big as her birthday (attention whore that she was). There was much sentimental value for her, remembering the first time my father brought her home to meet his family. I am an only child and my father died in 1961. After grandma died (1979) and the cousins scattered to the four winds, it was just the two of us. Mom insisted on a traditional dinner and I enjoyed cooking. Sweet potato pie is my speciality, thank you very much. It was however, an annual challenge to find the worlds smallest turkey-for two weight concious women, a wee baby turkey or a turklette. One year I suggested something different-something easier for two - rock cornish game hens. This met with maternal disdain, a wrinkled nose, and shades of Mommy Dearest: "No baby birds! Ever!" "I want a turkey with chestnut stuffing- the creamed spinach (a boil n bag item-easy to do) with the sliced hard boiled eggs on top, like grandma did, and pie. Apple. Pecan. Pumpkin. There must be pumpkin. I want the whole shebang!" So we had leftovers through New Years, but I managed a Thanksgiving dinner to make the Pilgrims proud. After a few years, mom caught on and I started making reservations for two. Thanksgiving dinners at her favorite "comfort food" restaurant pleased her- she got her stuffing and dessert and she was with her family.

This year, for the first time, I'll be going out to Thanksgiving dinner with more than one person, and none of them a relative. As my mom's health declined over the years, I wondered what the first Thanksgiving without her would be like and here it is. I am apprehensive about facing the day. I'll be surrounding myself with lots and lots of people and noise and food, wrapping myself in a big ol' comforter of distraction. I'll be with my boyfriend and some new friends and we'll be at the restaurant my mom took me to after seeing my first Broadway musical. I'll order the whole shebang turkey dinner, including someone else's sweet potato pie (harumph!) and no baby birds. Ever. Mom would've approved.

My mother passed away in 1998 and father 2006 and not a day goes by that I think of them. Every holiday I see people with mothers and here I am without a mother. It hurts sometimes but then I realize she is no longer suffering in her diseased body. She is in a much better place.

Yes, it is hard and it may never be better BUT think about the love she gave you and the times when she was healthy and full of life. That is what gets me through the holidays.

word wench, my mother passed 3 years ago last Oct.To me it seems like yesterday.That day will be forever in my mind.We always feel the loss.Never goes away.What we do is store those emotions within and allow ourselves to regain who we are and what we want for our years of living.Each of us mourn in a different way.
Because my mother and aunt lved with me for 25 years my home has so many memories of them.I would give anything to turn back the clock 10 years.

MB

You are absolutely right on the raspberry salad. I forgot for a reason. I wouldn't have been able to eat it w/o becoming upset and choking on it. I do have plans to make it for Christmas cause the kids love it.

Mom died only 12 days ago but to me it seems like a lifetime ago. Then again, the Mom I "knew" died when the disease progressed.

Word wench, I saw my mother go through so much internal pain with her dementia.The demins , dementia, were eating her up inside.When she had bad moments that were so sad.I saw her at her worst but still at moments she was good.How I wanted to have those moments continue for as long as possible.
There are moments, when I am alone when I sadden at the thoughts of her last days.It took time to get past the feelings you are experienceing.But there are only 2 memories that stay with me.The day she died in my arms , but most of all I see and remember her as she was before being taken over by these demins.I do not think of her as she was in her coffin.I believe the fact that she looked so beautiful and was the mother I once had.It takes time to seperate the memories we have.The bad will soon fade and only the good will shine through.Also , my mother always encouraged me to live life to its fullest and gain as much as you are able from each day.There are many things that remind me of my mother .They still bring much sorrow.Just give in to this sorrow and allow your self to cry , if need be.Tghe one thing that helps is remembering and talking of the thingsI recall at her better times.One day at a time is all you can ask of your self.Just think how hard she struggled to stay alive.Let that be a guide to your fight to make a good life for your self.Think of what mom raised you to be and wanted for you.Let that be your guide for each wakening day.LEARN BY THE THINGS THAT MOTHER WOULD HAVE WANTED TO DO AND WAS UNABLE.You have the chance to carry the torch of life for her

Thank you all for your thoughts, wishes and contributions to this thread. Despite my apprehension, facing my first Thanksgiving six weeks after my mother died, I seem to have made it through the day relatively unscathed and with hardly a tear. I thought about her- yes, quite a bit. As I do every day. I suppose I expected to be an emotional wreck. And on the basis if that, I held up pretty well. I guess.

On Thanksgiving Day I woke up early enough to catch some of the parade on TV -the Snoopy balloon, then some of the dog show that followed,(both mom's faves) and then headed for the gym, about the same time I would have gone off to have midday dinner with mom. I came home, dressed up, and headed off to Thanksgiving dinner with friends at a restaurant. Dinner was three hours, including good conversation and dessert. Mom would have liked the food, but complained about the small portion of stuffing (her favorite part of the meal).

I surprised myself how easy the day was to get through. Is it denial? Or is it the slow realization that even though my mom always stressed how important Thanksgiving was to her, it was not our best time together, and not my best memory - especially the last few years when her complaints and frustration at her own physical deterioration overwhelmed her ability to enjoy anything, even my company.

Is it vain to think this now? Six weeks after she died? I'm still taking one day at a time, but still worrying about not having a nervous breakdown in the middle of a shopping mall six months from now. Stay tuned...

Cheers, all.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: wordwench,

All of us who have spent holidays with a loved one who has passed will always have this void in our hearts.What makes it easier is to recall pass holidays . When I am preparing a dinner and use certain dishes for certain foods I recall when they used them.A certain dish for cranberry saisem the celery dish.The special gravey boat.I have the grater my grandmother used when she made cole slaw.As I was useing it I recalled all the meals this made possible.I thought, if these dishes could share the many stories told around the table they sat.It is there presence and the memories that cause us to miss them.I can recall such wonderful moments.Nothing spectactular.Just the presence of all the family around the table.Then the ladies gathered in the kitchen helping with dishes while the men watched their football or listened to the radio , before tv.All these ladies wanted no more then to come together and share .They shared stories of the things that happened in their child hood.The good, bad and the funny.They were the things that stay embeded in ones mind.Even though , as my mother and aunt got older, they continued to tell these stories.Even though I had heard them so often, it was good to hear .It allows you to see what mad an impact on their lives.I had my mother and son in law for dinner, and their dog Buddy.I am known as grandmom to him, lol.Hubby has no idea what one days is to another, but enjoyed the food.The non presence of my mother and aunt was so evident.As I took certain dihes out for serving I shared with my daughter what memories of past dinners came to mind.After all is said and done the good memories can never be taken away as our loved ones have been.I now see how my children love to talk about events of the past.They love it .

After 8 years I still have a hard time with Thanksgiving. It has gotten better but hurts still. This was the first year I was able to watch the parade without crying. The first year we had pizza because I didn't want anything to do with it and my son agreed so brother took mom out to eat with his family (on mom of course and we were not even asked to come). All of you with the first year ahead of you all I can tell you is to do what you feel is right and what you can handle and don't let anyone else tell you it's wrong. While the hurt and tears will always be there (I did cry but just not during the parade like I use to) it does get a bit better.

Mz.Lisa, Wordwench and everyone else struggling to face the holidays without a loved one - I feel ya. It took many years to become accustomed to the fact that my dad would not be joining us for Thanksgiving. As a Navy doctor, he was not always at home for the holidays anyway, so when he wasn't there the first one, it took several years of repetitions before I stopped listening for him letting himself into the house in the wee hours after hopping a flight home from whoknowswhere just to be with us...

We still carry on traditions and tell the same stories as when he and my grandmothers were still alive... because I lost him early in my life, I try not to take loved ones for granted at holidays. None of us knows when we will have an absent place setting...

I hope that as the holidays fly by that you both will keep your moms close to your heart & thoughts... I KNOW you won't look at a rock cornish game hen EVER without hearing your mom in your ear, WW! Mz.Lisa, smart "forgetting." If you had made that raspberry salad, I think you would have just lost it when you saw it sitting on the table and your mom wasn't there... In future years, those will be treasured traditions, but this time, it was just too fresh a wound, I think. I remember cooking dinner Thanksgiving of '99 when Mom was still in Intensive Care from her car wreck. I could hardly stand to even TASTE anything as I went about making HER recipes... besides the giant lump in my throat, I knew she was receiving her dinner by enteric feeding... I made it through for my family and guests, but I could hardly get more than a bite or two down myself thinking of her laying there not being able to enjoy even a morsel of food! And you betcha I shed more than one tear in that stuffing!!

What Mae says is so true - when we're hurting and mourning, surrounding ourselves with loved ones is the best medicine... it doesn't fill the void left by absent loved ones, but it does remind us that the world still turns and the holidays won't always feel so joyless. My kitchen has mutely watched me shed many tears out of the sight of my family... just gotta remember not to cry into the pie...
{{{BIG HUGS & SIGHS}}}

wordwench,

I too am learning the holidays are hard. Mom died 9 days ago. I miss her so much. I forgot to make her traditional raspberry salad last nite then I didn't wake up till 1130am to start the meal.

Life does go on, holidays continue yet I wonder if the void Mom left will ever change. I keep my happy face on for the kids and in my quiet alone moments mourn & cry. Now is one of "those moments".

wordwrench, it is good to be around those who can help the day have meaning.The loss of a loved one takes time to get over.