My mom died on Nov. 6th. She was lovely and funny and smart, and my best friend. the days should be getting easier without her, but actually they are getting harder. The world is a lesser place without her in it. I am a lesser person. She deserves to be remembered. There is so much to say about her that there is nothing good enough to say about her.

Dear Gabe,
You just remember and celebrate her life any way that occurs to you. Special colors, special everything, stories.

I believe that memory is what makes us human, the remembrance of those we love who went before is our lifeline from this life to another.

I think that's why dementia puts such a burden on us as care givers. We have to remember not only what we know but what they knew, even before their death.

I pray that your siblings come to their senses. That makes everything ten times harder for you. How are you now?

Sandi

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Originally posted by gabe:
My mom died on Nov. 6th. She was lovely and funny and smart, and my best friend. the days should be getting easier without her, but actually they are getting harder. The world is a lesser place without her in it. I am a lesser person. She deserves to be remembered. There is so much to say about her that there is nothing good enough to say about her.

Hi Gabe! How are you doing today?
In case you haven't caught up on all the posts, I lost my husband in May. I decided that this year I wasn't going to do much holiday decorating, but (under loving and well meaning pressure) I got out my little table top tree.
It's about 2 feet tall, has white lights, and I usually hang all my sparkly earrings on it.
This year it has an icicle garland, a 4 inch purple spire on top, and two heart ornaments, one red and one white. That's it.
I think it's just right. (small chuckle - next year I'll have the round red one with his name in silver. Think I should buy a round white one and paint my name in gold?)
Big hugs, darlin'. Stay warm.

Gabe I dont know how I missed this please accept my sincerest apology and condolences for your your loss and what you are going through with your siblings.
That they do not understand the person you have become...Kind caring and compassionate.
EVERYONE makes mistakes in their life its a real human being that recognizes their faults and makes a change to better themselves which you have done...if their too shallow and selfish to recognize your accomplishments in life thats their loss, they should be thankful to you for all you did. Im with you sweetie Id give anything to have 5 more minutes....
Maybe they are just hurt from the loss everyone reacts to death differently.
Dont worry sweetie the truth shall prevail, meanwhile dont get upset over their antics it does you no good to let it consume you, my own brother did the same and in the end he didnt get anything more than what was specified.
Just remember dont stoop to their level, mom is watching over you and is proud

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My four siblings are putting forth all legal efforts now to fight Mom's will. should be interesting. Apparently, they have dished out every old piece of dirt about me they can think of (of which there are many, I admit, but Mom trusted me anyway). It hurts. Whatever. They can have it all if I can get five more minutes with Mom.

I am so sorry they are behaving this way, especially since they don't seem to recognize how inappropriate their actions are! I wonder which of them would give up their "share" of their inheritance to have another five minutes with their mother? Very, very sad indeed...

Gabe, I'm glad you were able to put the wreaths on the graves and follow some tradition. I'm finding it weird to mix old traditions with new ones here but I'm trying. I can really feel for you with your siblilngs. I too was the wild child and ended up being the stay at home caregiver. I no longer have communications with my brother but interesting enough a statement from my mom's life insurance comp. was forward here and it seems the day of the closing my brother took out half of what was in the policy. Guess the rest is mine as all other bills had been paid. He just left it there and never told me. It's not a lot but is something, a Christmas gift from mom as I see it.

Gabe, I was the last person any one would have thought would step up to care. I was the baby and the wild child. I have been lucky to have this chance to show my Mom I love her in this way. I think that is how you feel, too.

Gabe you have honored your parents. You have done the wreaths. Please have comfort there.

Thanks to you all I actually did go put the wreath on my folks gravestone today. I know they would be happy. And yes, I feel better about doing it.

My four siblings are putting forth all legal efforts now to fight Mom's will. should be interesting. Apparently, they have dished out every old piece of dirt about me they can think of (of which there are many, I admit, but Mom trusted me anyway). It hurts. Whatever. They can have it all if I can get five more minutes with Mom.

Dear Gabe,
Take as long as you need to grieve, cry as many tears as you need to, this is truly a difficult time of the year to experience the loss of a LO and to mourn.

Gabe, what you are feeling is so understood.Mom has been gone for such a short time.
If you do nothing else, do the wreaths.I think you will regret not doing them.
May I ask you if you feel you are dealing with depression beyond your control.Something to think about.
It takes time to get over the loss of someone who was so much a part of ones life.
Sad your siblings want to make the pain even worse.
Not unusual for them to want to reap the harvest for not helping in the care.Like so many, they have their heads screwed on backwards.Too many have this belief they are entitled to what was their parents.Mother made her choice as they made theirs to not be apart of the daily care of her.
If possible get your self out of the house once in awhile.To try to balance that sorrow.
In time, think what mother would advise you to do.
Sorrow has no time limit.

Christmas is coming. I still haven't gotten the wreaths yet, the ones with the special bows. I know I have to. I really need to do that.

As for me, I just don't want to know that Christmas is coming. I spent so many years doing the wreaths, the tree (just as Mom liked it), the special dinner, the gifts I picked out just for her.

Oh God, I miss her so. Every minute of every day. I've spent so many years here with her. So many memories. So much loneliness now. I want to honor her by doing all of the same Christmas stuff, but I dont know that I can take the pain of it all. Selfish, I know,

In the meantime, my siblings are not speaking to me. They are going to fight Mom's will. And I don't even understand right now how they, who didn't help care for her, can now be so concerned about her "stuff".

I walk around her house, which she allowed to be my "home". and she is everywhere, and yet, nowhere. And Christmas, I don't even know what will hurt worse, to acknowledge it, or not to. All of our traditions, all of our beliefs,...I don't know that it will cause more pain, or less. My heart feels so broken. I don't think I can stand any more pain right now.

However, Mom being Mom...I so want to honor her, remember her...........but to do that, I will have to fully acknowledge that she is now gone.

When I take flowers to the graves, my aunts flowers are red, her favorite color, my mother , pinks, purples.When I make the xmas wreathes, my aunts will have red poinesttias.My mothers will be the purple.What is funny is my aunt liked red and she was very assertive.My mothers colors were soft like her personality before her illness.

Gabe, What a lovely tradition of matching wreaths. I understand about your mom wanting them to be the perfect color. For the last nine years I have always put something special on my husbands that had meaning and this year I put the angel that was in mom's room (a plastic Christmas angel that just never was taken down) on her and my dad's grave. They are a short walk between my parents and husband's. I did notice my "mother's son" did put the date mom died on the marker. Do as much or as little that you want to do this holiday. It does help to at least try to do one traditon that you normally do and perhaps just do it a little different. My first Christmas without Doug I couldn't put my ornaments on the tree but went and got a set of cheap ones instead. There was a tree but not all the memories of when and where we had got that ornament. This year in the new place I also have unbreakable ornaments on the tree but that's because psyco kitty keeps climbing it!! I do also have mom's nativity under glass in a curio where it can't be broken. It's weird but I can't seem to feel it's mine yet. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}}

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She talked and laughed and smiled, with such a twinkle in her eye, no matter how lousy she felt or how much pain she was in.

Hopefully, you will be able to follow her example and do all those special holiday things she taught you. I think if you talk to her about how you feel, she'll be a heartbeat away from the daughter she loved so dearly. {{{HUGS}}}

Oh dear friends, thank you for responding. I love you all for simply caring. Mom would have liked all of you, and would have thanked all of you for caring.

I can't even think about Christmas, and yet that's all I think about. She so loved it. I am trying to work up the guts to get go the wreath for the cemetary that she and I put on for my dad all these years. Only a certain color bow would do, not always easy to find, but I will find it. And a matching wreath has to go on the front door.

God how I miss her. She talked and laughed and smiled, with such a twinkle in her eye, no matter how lousy she felt or how much pain she was in. We truly were best friends. She would be the one I would talk to when I hurt. Now, I wander around her house, the house she allowed to be my home, and there are memories of her everywhere.

I hurt...more than I ever thought possible.

Gabe, you share all you want about mom.Too many think we should just go own with life like the loved one we loss never existed.They did and each made their mark on our lives.Share the many marks mom made on your life and society.The best one can do is talk about the one that made such an impact in our lives,

When my Dad died, I think initially I was in shock of the fact that he was gone. The deep sadness of the truth came later.
I agree with you, that words cannot express our loved one's life and what meaning they gave to our life.
Your wound is fresh. Be gentle with yourself.

Gabe, I'm so sorry about your loss. I do understand what you mean that you feel life should be easier but for me it wasn't also. Nobody wanted to talk or hear about my mom but luck for me I had here where I could talk and people did understand. Please keep posting here and tell us how you feel. We are here for you and love you.

Please Gabe, tell us about your Mother. We will remember, and honor, her with you. Nov 6 was not long ago, the holidays are rearing up. Sweetheart, talk to us. We believe you.

All except for the lesser person part. You were a credit to her. She taught you about love and you share that.

There is a new star in the sky.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bobcat,

No, no Gabe. You are not a lesser person.
Take some time to reflect how very different your life might have been if you had never known that woman, let alone had her for your mother.
Any time is a bad time to lose a very loved one, but the holidays are particularly lousy.
This will be the First Christmas Without
for many of us on this forum. Some of us lost our LOs early in the year, but for some the loss is very recent and still raw.
How did the 2 of you celebrate the season?
Share some of the funny moments with us; we need to laugh, long and loud.
Again, I have to say that you are not a lesser person. You are much greater than you think you are, just because you had her in your life.
We should all be so lucky to know someone as beautiful, bright, warm, witty and loving as your mother and her child!
Your heart will mend in time. I believe the soul uses gold thread to zigzag stitch over the tear.