Tonight, I hurt. Sitting out back and smoking, thinking I would be planning one heck of a big party like last year.

No party, no folks planning on coming over. Just me, 2 dogs, and probably a lot of tears. I know I need to go to the cemetery, but driving out might be sort of a problem with this river coming out of my eyes.

I've shed more tears today and tonight than I have the whole time. Dunno if its hitting me now, or what. I think it started hitting me, when I mopped her room Friday night.

The folks who keep saying "well she lived a long, good life" I just wanna smackum right up side the head. That don't make me miss her any less.

Suppose we need a "still grieving section". I feel like its hit me like a ton of bricks now. Hoping when I wake in the am (or pm) I feel better.

I go to my shrink Friday. That was the closest appointment she could get me. I know what I'm feeling IS normal. But still she needs to know what all has gone on. I hope she doesn't grill me for not cutting back on my antidepressant like we talked about doing in late June. I just don't think right now is a good time for that.

Bert did come get that Lazy Boy lift chair he gave Mom 5 days before she went in the hospital. He brought help Merrwid, he was Mom's only biological child. Rest of us she adopted. He's 71.

Right before he came good neighbor Matt, wanted to take that portable carport down. I'd told him if he wanted it, he could have it last week. So I now reek, as its been major hot today.

I'd put that carport up, so Mom could have mine as a bird santuary, and her flowers where she could see them from her chair in the living room. That way she wouldn't have my red car in the background. The portable carport has now done its job. Kept my car from getting too much sun on it, while Mom was here. It also kept bird chit off my car, as we had 3 feeders under the carport so she could watch the birds eat too.

Right now its raining. Its been grumbling for the past 2 hours.

So suppose so far, had a busy day. Bert didn't want much of what Mom had except the crystal owls he'd got for her, and a couple of pictures. He wasn't about to go through photo albums and get photos. He said he probably brought them all from his aunts anyway. Only stayed about 30 minutes.

Sorry, hon I'm not sure who Bert is, but I have another sign for him, if you're up to it:
This ain't Burger King
You take it MY way or you
don't get it at all.

Bnot, today I celebrate your Mom's life, and send you hugs.

Thanks BC. I know she's glad to spend her birthday with my baby brother. She hasn't had a birthday with him since 1976.

I've tried to stay busy today. I moved the handi capped ramp I'd made her from the front door. Neighbor Matt, helped me move one of her cement planters where I wanted it.

Used the blower to get the bird seed out from under the carport.

Ms Lois came by (lady from the church that visited Mom), and picked up the stuff I had ready for her. I still have a box of my Christmas cards to go through. That ought to keep me busy tonight.

I'm surviving the day anyway.

She will celebrate this one with folks that she hasn't seen in a long time. It still hurts. (((HUGS))) sweet heart.

Thanks fullermartins. Some days are better than others. Today was a good day. Got errands ran.

Lady from Mom's church wanted all those used greeting cards. I fished them out of the recycle ben.

Then she emailed me back, asking me to take the backs off them. OMG.. So I've been busy.

Her son works somewhere, that fixes up stuff and re-sells it. I have Mom's old walker, lifter toilet seat, and the bar that attached on to the tub (removable kind).

I finally said the heck with it, and got out and cut the yard today. I finished at darkthiry. Almost had to duct tape the flashlight on it. When I look at the front tomorrow, might wish I did! I'm sure the front looks like its been cut by a blind man!

Biological father called 2 times today. I think he's trying to make up for all those years I had no clue where he was, and never calling me at all when his wife was alive. I just hope he ain't looking for someone to take care of him later, as he's 85.

I give it my all with Mom. Poured my heart and soul out with her. She'd been my Mom as far back as I can remember. She was the one there for me. I'm so glad I had the opportunity to be there for her when she needed me.

I tried my best to treat Mom like each day was her last day. I have no regret at all, looking back. I had 1 Christmas with her here, 1 thanksgiving, 2 Easters, and 1 birthday. That was time, when she moved to Austin, I really didn't think I'd have with her. Every day was quality time for us. I really miss her late at night when I read my Daily Word. That was our real quality time, when the world stopped for us to be together.

Tomorrow is, or would have been her birthday. I hope I can stay as busy as I have today. Busy does help. Maybe I'll go digging in the attic, and pull out all those Christmas cards I never threw away for Ms Lois. Add them with Mom's cards.

Just wanted you to know that I have been thinking of you all day and I hope you are doing "ok"...I can only imagine what a difficult day it has been for you......

Thanks for the hug, MB.

Trying to stay busy today. Back to my old sleeping schedule, looks to me. Waking up about noon, going to bed between midnight at 2am.

Staying busy helps. Today, I fished out all those greeting cards of Mom's I'd put in the recycle been. Lady from Mom's church says she uses them in Sunday school. I'm so glad they can use these, as I kept putting off taking them to the recycle place. Dunno why.

I took my next door neighbor on errands with me. Trip to Walgreens, Home Depot, and Walmart. She doesn't drive, and separated from her husband. She doesn't mind riding in the Marlboro mobile, as she's a smoker too. Very quiet person. I miss her husband next door, he's very talkative and outgoing. Could always talk easy with him. Getting to know her a little better, but she's still just real quiet.

Big loud thunderstorm again here. Yard is like a swamp. And grass is getting pretty deep. We got 1-1/2 inches of rain, in that one hour. It poured, and my yard is slowly draining to the road still.

I made Bert one of the signs he'd told me he wanted when I died. Lol, I don't plan on that happening anytime soon. I hate at 71 for him to wait to get this one. It says "Martha Stewart Doesn't live here". Been doing a little each day on it. Finally got the black paint for lettering today. Now all I have to do, is drill the 2 holes for hanging and put the string in it. It'll be ready when he comes, hopefully Wed.

{{{{HUGS}}}}