My dad died in late Sept. after being sick for six months. Caring for him was terrifying for me because, well, I'm scared to death of being responsible for a sick person.

I'm doing OK with the grief, although a day hasn't gone by yet that tears don't - at least - well up in my eyes. My dad was a big part of my life, even before he got sick, so there's a giant hole there now. I'm very, very sad but I'm functioning and, I guess, handling that part OK.

However, I'm still obsessing about his care while he was sick and I'm still annoyed at my sister. She seemed to sail through his illness and death with no qualms and quickly (almost without stopping) resumed her happy life. (She was busy falling in love while my dad was dying so now she's all ooey-gooey with this new boyfriend.)

My husband has a saying I adore: Get off your cross, use the wood to build a bridge and get over it!

So how do I get over it? I want to keep my dad alive in my memories, but not as a sick person! And it would certainly make life easier if I could think of my sister without sneering and/or retching. We don't really have the kind of relationship (our family is famously stoic and buttoned-up) where I could tell her why I resent her, so I guess I'm kind of hoping it blows over or hoping I can, in my own head, get off my cross, etc. And when will I stop thinking about Sick Dad and remember Happy Fun Dad?

Hey JT Im so sorry about your dads passing I really am I still mourn for my own mom it will never go away it just fades a little but I want you to think outside the box for a moment will you....Dont obsess over the care you gave to him it was the very best you could do in that situation and I want you to try to look at it another way also, it was his time... he was probably tired of fighting. I have to tell you I still remember the sick person that my mom was at the time of death...this takes time dont beat yourself up over this there will come a day when you remember the good days....And as for your sister(theres a little thing I like to call fate it steps in when needed) While you look upon your sister with bad feelings because of her lack of remorse in your opinion, did you ever ask her how she really felt or was it just implied? Falling in love probably shielded her from those intense feelings you have right now...would you have wanted to see her suffer like that, sometimes people go off the deep end in these situations (not knowing your sister she might have reacted that way) if not for love. You know what I mean? You said it yourself your family is stoic (I know this behavior in my own family) you cant cry out for fear that someone would shut you down...could your sister fear being shut down?
For now build a memory garden in his honor with a cross and a bridge in it... as you tend to it think of your dad and the beauty you are creating...time there just might heal your heart.

The sadness I feel is for the mother who once was.Her smile, her being my number one cheer leader.I do not recall the years of caregiving.I recall her as she was, and the day she died in my arms.The change was so dramatic.My tears are also for her.She worked so hard all her life.She wanted so little out of life.Her one fear was having the problems my grandmother had.Grand mother had toes removed and then dementia set in.My mother had many fears as a person but this was the one that she feared most.She was finally at a place she wanted and then something took over her mind and gave her a life of hell.So sad, When I get images of her, it is her smiling at me with all her love and approval.

I just lost my father and every time I see his picture, tears well up in my eyes and I ask myself, "Did I do all I could to prolong his life?"

Don't do this to yourself. You were a loving caregiver and I know your father knew it too. Like my father, I am sure he appreciated ti but did not convey it to you.

In God's eyes you are an angel who will be rewards some day. I think of my father now in a perfect body - no more imperfect body. He and my mother are now in a much better place than me that is for sure!

JT, I'm glad the scrapbook idea sounded good to you. Only you will know if and when the time is right for that. When I did one for my dad, I couldn't put a thing in without sobbing like a baby..even if it was something silly. It took me a long time to be able to look through it in a way that brought more smiles (but, yes, the tears always come). It isn't that I need those things to remember my dad. Sometimes it is just nice to have something tangible to hold, look at, etc. Maybe someday the "mood" will strike you to do it. If not, you will find your own way, and whatever that is will be whatever works for you. Let the tears be okay, for they may always come. And, probably when you least expect it, you'll find the tears lead into a smile over something you remember.

The scrapbook idea is wonderful, but I am nowhere NEAR being able to do that! I have a picture of my dad on the fridge (from one of our trips) and I can't even look at that without crying. And I just saw a friend of my dad's (who was so wonderful when my dad was sick, arranging for bridge club to meet at my dad's house, which was not only fun for my dad but gave me a break, plus visiting whenever my dad was hospitalized) and I got all teary over just seeing his name! (very inconvenient at the moment, since I'm in a coffee shop ...)

Up days and down days, that's for sure. I just miss him, that's all. To be expected.

And my sister's out of the country for the next six months, so that's nice. Maybe I'll be able to be around her without seething by the time she gets back in June ...

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[QUOTE]Originally posted by BEVERLY KITCHENS:
J.T. Yes, grieving is a long and sometimes harder process for some than others. But as caregivers, for me at least, when I see my Mom each/every day, just fading away right before my eyes, I have to wonder, has my grieving already started. I cry when she cant see, I have my times of anger over all my siblings, which I now know they are who they are, and I shall give them no more power, no more of my energy, no more of my anger, no more of anything will they get from me but the call that "Our Mom" has gone.
I saw how they all did ox Xmas, the entire time of 2 1/2 hrs. they were here, and havent heard from them since, dealt w/my brother closing out Mom's savings account and he just goes on as if he has done no wrong My SIL"s famous words are "bottom Line" we did it for you and Mom. Otherwise you would have nothing to fall back on. You need to live w/in your means.
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Beverly.....that was truely wonderful. I am exactly where you are right now!!!
How could this have happened to our beautiful,strong,Mothers.?

I too miss the days we went shopping then to lunch. the days we spent giggling and laughing at everything and anything.

I too am "preparing" I ask God everyday and night to give me the strenght and courage to handle this. Maybe He does not feel we are strong enough yet.

But your words really touched me. Thank you.

What great comments from everyone!! I loved each and every post, especially:

quote:

the other day I had an impulse to call her because I was lonely. Now, that hurt and made me cry all day, but at the same time it made me realize that my subconscious is doing it's job. She felt like my mom again, not my baby!

...Sigh... I sure do miss my Mom - not the one she has become, but the one who was my buddy. I look forward to the day when I can see her like that again... She can walk and do things in my dreams, but she is still always sick... One day I hope to dream we'll go shopping, eat lunch, gab about silly things and drink a couple too many glasses of wine again...

Good morning to everyone

Everyone's coping skills, memories and advice are very toucing. Gabe, I love the idea of your scrapbook! And the straw, well ... that really says alot. Sometimes, it's about the "little and very special things."

One thing I would like to add is that, after the passing, and when you are able to think straight again ..... allow yourself to be "open" for a sign from your loved one.

My sign came from Mother, in that I smelled her perfume one day, several weeks after she had passed. And, I was outside! How could *that* have happened!

And, from Daddy, it was a big blue butterfly that just wouldn't leave me alone! It followed me around the yard to the pear tree; it landed on the deck railing when I sat down. Finally, the tears cleared from my eyes and it was like a veil was lifted. It was Daddy's spirit.

And, I apologize if that sounds a little too far fetched, but that is how I chose to view it. It was a *healing* for me that I'm not sure I'd have found any other way.

I told that story to my 11-yr-old granddaughter several years ago, and to this day - whenever she sees a blue butterfly, she says, "LOOK, Maw! There's your Daddy!" It's a wonderful bonding thing for us, and it makes me smile.

JT, I'm truly sorry for the loss of your dad. As others have said, your grief is your own, and the path through it is individual. After having lost my dad 14 years ago, I can say that the void doesn't go away, the missing remains, and yes, even the tears at times. However, there are more smiles now in remembering, and if those memories bring some tears, I've come to realize that there is nothing wrong with that. One thing I did after my dad died was to make a scrapbook all about him. There are favorite pictures, but also various items that symbolize special things between he and I. It even holds the stupid plastic straw that I spent hours twisting as we kept "vigil" on his last day in the hospital. That straw no longer brings pain, it reminds me of the courageous battle he fought and makes me feel oh so proud of the man he was. The scrapbook is all about him and our relationship, and its touching and silly, and just for me. I go through it from time to time and it somehow brings him closer to me when my missing of him is at its deepest. After finding out how much that scrapbook has come to mean to me, I already know I will devote one to my mom when the day comes that I lose her, too. I don't know if this helps at all, I just wanted to share one thing that has helped me. I pray for peace for you as you walk this path.

Beverlys Kitchen, Sand Mason, thank you.You have said it all so well.

Beverly Kitchens, what beautiful,true, painful, thoughtful words you wrote. So very much wrapped up in just a few paragraphs. Such a gift of understanding and expression.

J.T. Yes, grieving is a long and sometimes harder process for some than others. But as caregivers, for me at least, when I see my Mom each/every day, just fading away right before my eyes, I have to wonder, has my grieving already started. I cry when she cant see, I have my times of anger over all my siblings, which I now know they are who they are, and I shall give them no more power, no more of my energy, no more of my anger, no more of anything will they get from me but the call that "Our Mom" has gone.
I saw how they all did ox Xmas, the entire time of 2 1/2 hrs. they were here, and havent heard from them since, dealt w/my brother closing out Mom's savings account and he just goes on as if he has done no wrong My SIL"s famous words are "bottom Line" we did it for you and Mom. Otherwise you would have nothing to fall back on. You need to live w/in your means.

Well, now I've gone off into ranting, which I wasnt going to do. The point I was trying to convey is, dont we as caregives, start watching and grieving the day we take our loved ones. My Mom isnt the Mom I grew up with, she was always strong, very active,,out doing something everyday, loved to be with her grandkids, which now she cant even remember their names, and my Mom was a fighter.
Now I watch her sleep in the recliner, wipe the drool off of her face, try to keep the safety strap where its not hurting her, and look at her an cry. This person is now someone I dont know, this is someone I care for, remember all of the things of the past, but also know they will never be again.
I am already in a grief state. I am getting all of her things in order, getting her "list" that she has had for years, of her friends, many which have already deceased, her family members, all gone, except for 3 sisters, out of a family of 16 children. So you see, she is "already gone" mentally, so now nature will takes its course w/her little fraille body as God sees fit.
My reality will only hit me when one morning I wake up and I dont hear the baby monitor go off, no sounds of the wrenching pain that is going thru her body, and makes itself known only by her moaining and groaning as she tries to turn over.
Yes that is when the "real" reality will come, but as each day goes by, I try the nite before to ask for strength in preparing me for that time. I'm so emotionally drained and physically drained that it will hit me different than it will all the SIB's. They will all go into their "drams awards" show and my Sis, oh I feel for her. She is so narsistic I'm not even sure she will come to Mom's funeral but I know she will come for the will probate.

So J.T. You take whatever time, YOU need, do whatever it is YOU need to do to get yourself back into mainstream again, but most of all, DON'T BEAT UP ON YOURSELF!!! You were a blessing as a caregive, you know you did the right thing, so just take deep breaths each day, and take them as they come. No one, but other devoted caregives know how you feel, so please keep in touch and keep us updated on your progress and all the new and wonderful things you can do for you.
You have just completed a vry long journey so give yourself time to look back, reflect, and most of all, remember that the moments you spent caring for your loved one, are YOUR memories and no one can ever take that away from you.\
God Bless

Thanks, everybody, for your support and kind words. I realize the grieving-for-dad thing is going to take some time. I'm willing to ride it out. And I AM getting stuff done that I haven't been able to do for years (even before he was sick he was, well, elderly).

And I've been thinking about why my sister (and my resentment towards her) has such a grip on me. (I KNOW it's a waste of time and energy but I can't let go of it!) I was sorely disappointed in my sister this summer (while my dad was sick). She has been on a pedestal my whole life (my parents were very conscientious about loving all of us equally and all that, but sis is a SUPER high-achiever so even if my parents were good about it, the rest of the world didn't necessarily fall in line). So there's the whole disappointment thing, plus I want to shout to the rest of the world, "She's not as perfect as you think she is!"

I overheard her on the phone over the holidays telling a friend about my dad's illness and the care that was necessary and, judging from her end of the conversation, she took care of him single-handedly. I just about coughed up my Chex Mix.

So not only am I full of resentment, but it's PETTY resentment to boot!

I so have to grow up ...

JT

Realize that with a little more time you will start to remember your Dad more as he was before he got sick. Caregiving is a shocking job and you need more time to get over that part of it.

My mom died in July and after having had full responsibility for her for 11 years, with her like a newborn at the end, I know I'm still in shock.

I am starting to put her back where she belongs in my heart, the other day I had an impulse to call her because I was lonely. Now, that hurt and made me cry all day, but at the same time it made me realize that my subconscious is doing it's job. She felt like my mom again, not my baby!

Sister's can be wonderful friends, more at some times of life than others. Maybe this isn't the time for that. Find a girlfriend who can hear you out and maybe later, after you heal, your sister will become a buddy again.

Sandi

JT, gotta love that "take charge" saying of your husband's. But, I know for a fact that I couldn't have handled it (in a positive) way when I was going through the grief of losing my dad.

May has given you excellent advice! I found out (the hard way) that holding anger against someone else gives them wayyyy too much POWER over you. I seethed inside against my slack a%# brother "right before" Daddy died and then more so "after" Daddy was gone. Day in; day out ... he was ALL I could think of and I used to obsess of EVIL ways that I could "get back at him" for being so uninvolved, when it really mattered the most.

If *someone* (anyone) would have told me that I was giving him that much power, I'd like to "think" anyway that I'd have let go of that anger wayyyy sooner!!!!

As far as grieving your dad, I very much understand that, too. And, I am so sorry for you. You're just "not ready" yet. Grieving takes its own time for each and every person. But, I want to tell you that it WILL get less painful every day that passes. No, you will never truly "get over it" ... not when you love that much. It just gets more manageable and, with time, you will recall the Happy Fun Dad. Just trust me on that one, honey.

PS - And you go right on and cry whenever you need to. Nobody else understands your heart better than you.

Jt, My mother has been gone for 2 years.The pain , the void remains and I have many reary eyed days.Most of my memories of her are when she was so full of life.Her final days stay embeded in my mind but the positive stays more.
My brother had not seen my mother in so long.He made excuses but I new the truth.
There is a part of my that feels these awful feelings toward him.But What he did was his problem and he has had his moments caused by guilt.Do not allow something like this prevent you from going forward.This is you chance to get back some of your life.The pain of your loss, will remain for ever but you will deal with it in your way.There is no time limited on grief.Just let the anger for sister go away.It will eat you up inside and cause you to use energy that could serve you better.Think about it, your sister, as before, goes on with her life and you are staying still.Go forward and let the future be yours to create