Hello to all and God bless you. It's been a long time since I visited and posted here, but I am so thankful for the opportunity to do so now. When I first started posting in 2001 my mother was living with my husband, Keith, and I. She had demensia and passed on in January 2003. In 2006, Keith was diagnosed the congestive heart failure and he passed away in March, 2007 at the young age of 54. Whew... I am still adjusting and imagine that I will continue to do so for some while. Everything is different and I am lucky to still have my brother, sil, 2 nephews, their wives, some truly good friends, 2 wonderful dogs and my job. One of the things that has hit me the hardest is the way Keith's parents and two of his three adult children have behaved every since the heart failure was diagnosed. They live in Georgia and we lived (I still do) in Virginia. They were convinced that the heart failure was caused by an unhealthy life style and blamed both Keith and I for letting this happen. I was often told by his parents how to take care of him and yelled at for not doing it properly. I understand that this has been increadibly hard for them, but their hostility was hard to take. When Keith passed and I phoned his parents, they had already planned the funeral in their heads. This shocked me because they didn't even come to visit Keith during his last year in spite of my calling and telling them in the summer of '06 that I would do anything to get them up here and that it was important that they see Keith. They claimed to have had car-trouble and I offered to get them plane tickets, but I knew that they would never visit. I went along with the idea of having the funeral in Georgia, but was finally pushed to extreme sarcasm, when I was told my Keith's mother that she understood that I did have some rights, but they had ideas of how things should go. After that comment, I became very sarcastic and started to lose my temper but was cut off and was told by Keith's mom the "She didn't want no ugly." I did manage to refrain from warning her not to look in any mirrors. Anyway, I was tired, sad and angry and decided that I wasn't going all the way to Georgia to attend Keith's funeral. I have no regrets about that. I know the Keith understood and it was best not to insert my anger and frustration into all of that emotion. No sir, no regrets at all. However, with the exception of his daughter, who really did appreciate my efforts in getting Keith home so that the kids could see him off, his parents and his 2 sons really think I am some type of monster. I didn't send him in the proper clothes. I didn't show the proper amount of respect of grief. I just wasn't right. I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does. I'm trying to let it go and wonder if anyone has any advice. Thanks so much for letting me vent for such a long time.

it is has been awhile since i posted here but yours was the first i read.
i guess cause i also have had '' well meaning'' folks bug me to pieces' why didnt i do this or that', about moms funeral...GRRRR!
NO ONE Has any idea what it is like to have to go thru something like you have gone thru- EXCEPT you!
if you did the besT you could at the time- well then ,thats all there is to it.
i LOVE the sock idea and defenetly want to put some in the car to hand out.
i give you a BIG HUG right now for doing what you had to do and handling it with grace and still putting one foot ahead of the other.
i am proud of you.

Adjusting, not something done so easily.To have to deal with outside forces only makes the adjustment more difficult.
What you do is deal with your self .You let their remarks go in one ear and out the other.
None of us need any more stress to deal with when trying to deal with the many emotions that come with a loss.
Just tell them , there is the doot, do not let it hit you on the way out.How easy it is for those who have not been there to second guess every decision we made or will make.At least we do not stand on the side lines, we do something .
Keep socks handy .When they begin to ramp, hand them a sock and tell them to stick a sock in it.That will really give them something to talk about.
Or tell them to go fly a lite.What we said as kids when someone said something witout being asked

Just tell them thank you for all their input but you feel you were able to handle everything just find.Remind them of the quality of life your loved one had because of your good decision making.Under your breath, tell them to go pound sand.
Now that I am refreshed I am having a few moments of looking back and reflecting.All the family that was never present for hubby or me when we needed them.Now they all miss him and are looking for something to remember him by.
I will never say anything because they know why they are having these feelings.A little guilt on their part.Now people want to be with me .Well I needed them as did their father, uncle before.I was vunerable at my lowest moments but have come to understand certain behaviors by family.It is too late to make up for their failures.Maybe they will have their prioriries in order , in time.

AuntP your quite welcome sometimes we get in these messes with extended family and have no clue why where or when we did something or said something to these people that caused this type of rift to occur but the simple fact is we have nothing to do with it.
This is THEIR war within themselves I mean really with all we do on a daily basis how the heck can we get involved or make any kind of imprint on their lives when we're neck deep in our LO's care and all that entails
Maybe we were short with them once who knows, that just tells me there is no understanding for the position you have been placed in nor is there compassion, if this was them in our shoes (and Im tryin awfully hard not to judge) the way these folks are acting right now with you indicates to me they couldnt handle that situation with Keith.
Plus chalk a little of this up to being in mourning some folks lash out for no other reason than being angry at the loss of a LO. Its all a part of the grieving process. Forgive them for they know not what they do
In the end I believe Karma is a very real thing, everything and everyone is where they were suppose to be doing what they were suppose to do to ensure Keiths happiness in the end
Now you have that wonderful angel settin on your shoulder watching out for you... be silent, take some deep breaths, let go of the anger and just listen the love and healing that envelopes you when you do is priceless.

Thank you so much for your encouraging words. They have really helped me to remember to keep all of this in perspective. I do know that I did my best. And, I know that Keith was happy. We made an effort to laugh every day, even if we had to resort to stupid knock-knock jokes. You people are so compasionate and I am eternally grateful for this resource. I'm impressed with your strength, wisdom and confidence and I will reflect on that when other people's judgments get the best of me. God bless and thank you again!!

Welcome back AuntP
Do you feel like you gave all you could to insure your husbands comfort? You sound like, even through all those uneducated comments from non existent members of his family you still did the very best you could with what you had, he passed by the side of the one person he loved and knew would take care of him, if he didnt think the world of you he would have been out that door the moment he got that diagnosis think about that...take some comfort in that thought.
Dont give power to these so called family members that couldnt find it within themselves to even visit him at YOUR expense...now THAT speaks volumes to me. I dont care how uncomfortable anyone feels about death and dying 5 minutes or a couple of days out of a lifetime isnt gonna kill someone if they go an visit THEIR OWN SON or children. PUULEESE!
Im sorry thats a crock of CR*P
DO NOT EVER question YOUR morals question THEIRS!
The reason I bet that their pissed is ole GUILT is rappin at their door.
Take the high road on this one baby let them wallow in their own self destructive shallow lives.
Im proud you stood up for your husband and yourself in the end.
Their just gonna have to get used to the fact their lives are gonna be mighty LONELY cause Karma's a b*tch what goes around comes around.

AuntP.Nice to see old friends.One bit of advice I offer.Are you happy with all the decisions you made?If so , let all the rest go.
There will always be those who want to second guess decisions we make.I guess that is what makes the world go round, people second guessing.
Trust in your self and let no one take that away.

There will never be anyone who will get away with second guessing me.I just tell them put it in their pipe and smoke it.
Self confidence auntie , that will be the thing that lets you go.